Capturing Peace
Page 3
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“Hi, sweetheart!”
“Hey, Mom,” I huffed as I dropped everything into his toy chest and let the lid shut. “Parker passed out playing.”
Her soft laugh filled the phone. “I bet, today was crazy. Did he have fun?”
“Understatement. ‘Fun’ is an understatement. Thank you for everything you did to help. He really did have a blast, and he loved his presents.”
“Good, I’m glad. What are you going to do for the rest of the night? Did you want to come over for brunch tomorrow?”
I smiled as I waited for the next words that would come from her.
“I just hate that you two are so far away.”
Laughing, I plopped down on the couch and stretched out. “It’s not even a ten-minute drive!”
“But you’re all alone, and ten minutes is a long time in case of an emergency.”
“Mom, I love you, we’re fine. I’m just going to watch TV until I’m tired, and, yes, brunch tomorrow sounds great.”
There was a beat of silence before she said, “You’re always welcome to bring someone, honey.”
I suppressed a groan. I knew she was just looking out for Parker and me, but I didn’t need—or want—a man in my life.
There hadn’t been anyone since Austin had given me an ultimatum of being together, or keeping Parker. There hadn’t been a need for a guy. I knew no one would want a child at my age, and I had my family.
Even though the first day of my family knowing had been intense—well, really, the first month had been—my family had supported my decision to keep the baby, and had been there for me through everything. Keegan had gone to Austin’s that first night and beaten the shit out of him. Austin and his parents hadn’t pressed charges when Keegan told his parents about our breakup, and Austin hadn’t said a word to me since.
I’d continued going to school, and when rumors started flying about my growing belly, Austin told all our friends that I’d cheated on him. He’d taken another beating from Keegan for that, but I never tried to stop the rumors. Like I’d done in our last minutes together, I’d refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing how much he’d hurt me.
I refused to let anyone see how much they were hurting me.
With help from my mom, I’d finished out the rest of high school, and graduated with a 3.9 GPA. Even though my parents encouraged me to go to college, I’d decided against it and had immediately begun looking for a job that could support my son and me. I’d started at the bottom of a local business, and had quickly worked my way up over the last four years. Within six months of graduation, Parker and I had moved into the apartment we still lived in, and I’d fought my mom on putting him in day care.
She’d won.
She watched him while I worked, but I paid her just as much as the nicest day care in the city charged. I wasn’t stupid, though; I knew she was “secretly” putting the money in a college account for Parker. But Dad had made me promise I wouldn’t let on to the fact that I knew, so I’d kept paying her, and Parker had continued going to her house five days a week until he’d gone into kindergarten last year.
My life was perfect. My son was healthy and incredibly smart, he and I both had a great relationship with my parents and brother, and I was supporting us well enough that we lived in a great complex and I could give him whatever he wanted. Eh, well, to an extent. But why mess that up by throwing a guy into the picture?
“Mom, I’m not bringing anyone.”
“You need a man in your life . . . Parker needs a dad.”
Damn it. I hated when she involved Parker . . . she knew how that got to me. “He has Keegan and Dad.”
“Keegan only comes home every other weekend if he’s not deployed.”
Keegan had joined the army after deciding college wasn’t for him, two years in. I was so proud of him, and thankful he was stationed only a little over an hour from Denver so he could come home often. “And he’s getting out soon, so he’ll be around more.”
“I know you can do this on your own, Reagan. But that doesn’t mean you have to or should.”
“Dating would be exhausting for me . . . and I don’t want to put Parker through that.” I chewed on my bottom lip for a second as I debated whether or not I should voice my fears. With a hard breath, I told her the rest quickly. “Austin didn’t want him, I wouldn’t be able to handle it if I let someone into our life and he decided he didn’t want Parker either.”
“Reagan,” she crooned, her voice wavering. “They won’t all be like him.”
“I know, I just—I’m not ready for that possibility. You know? I can take the rejection . . . just not if they reject him.”
“I understand, sweetheart. I really do. But I’ll never stop praying for the perfect man for you and Parker.”
I wanted to tell her that even if he was out there, I probably wouldn’t give him the time of day; but the way she was talking broke my heart, so I kept my mouth shut. I knew everyone in my family wanted that for Parker and me, and it’s not that I didn’t want that for us either. I just couldn’t imagine myself taking that leap of faith in someone else. Someone who could potentially ruin us forever.
Coen—July 30, 2010
“SACO, MAN, YOU can’t let her f**king do this to you. It’s your f**king kid, she can’t just keep him from you.”
“Hey, Mom,” I huffed as I dropped everything into his toy chest and let the lid shut. “Parker passed out playing.”
Her soft laugh filled the phone. “I bet, today was crazy. Did he have fun?”
“Understatement. ‘Fun’ is an understatement. Thank you for everything you did to help. He really did have a blast, and he loved his presents.”
“Good, I’m glad. What are you going to do for the rest of the night? Did you want to come over for brunch tomorrow?”
I smiled as I waited for the next words that would come from her.
“I just hate that you two are so far away.”
Laughing, I plopped down on the couch and stretched out. “It’s not even a ten-minute drive!”
“But you’re all alone, and ten minutes is a long time in case of an emergency.”
“Mom, I love you, we’re fine. I’m just going to watch TV until I’m tired, and, yes, brunch tomorrow sounds great.”
There was a beat of silence before she said, “You’re always welcome to bring someone, honey.”
I suppressed a groan. I knew she was just looking out for Parker and me, but I didn’t need—or want—a man in my life.
There hadn’t been anyone since Austin had given me an ultimatum of being together, or keeping Parker. There hadn’t been a need for a guy. I knew no one would want a child at my age, and I had my family.
Even though the first day of my family knowing had been intense—well, really, the first month had been—my family had supported my decision to keep the baby, and had been there for me through everything. Keegan had gone to Austin’s that first night and beaten the shit out of him. Austin and his parents hadn’t pressed charges when Keegan told his parents about our breakup, and Austin hadn’t said a word to me since.
I’d continued going to school, and when rumors started flying about my growing belly, Austin told all our friends that I’d cheated on him. He’d taken another beating from Keegan for that, but I never tried to stop the rumors. Like I’d done in our last minutes together, I’d refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing how much he’d hurt me.
I refused to let anyone see how much they were hurting me.
With help from my mom, I’d finished out the rest of high school, and graduated with a 3.9 GPA. Even though my parents encouraged me to go to college, I’d decided against it and had immediately begun looking for a job that could support my son and me. I’d started at the bottom of a local business, and had quickly worked my way up over the last four years. Within six months of graduation, Parker and I had moved into the apartment we still lived in, and I’d fought my mom on putting him in day care.
She’d won.
She watched him while I worked, but I paid her just as much as the nicest day care in the city charged. I wasn’t stupid, though; I knew she was “secretly” putting the money in a college account for Parker. But Dad had made me promise I wouldn’t let on to the fact that I knew, so I’d kept paying her, and Parker had continued going to her house five days a week until he’d gone into kindergarten last year.
My life was perfect. My son was healthy and incredibly smart, he and I both had a great relationship with my parents and brother, and I was supporting us well enough that we lived in a great complex and I could give him whatever he wanted. Eh, well, to an extent. But why mess that up by throwing a guy into the picture?
“Mom, I’m not bringing anyone.”
“You need a man in your life . . . Parker needs a dad.”
Damn it. I hated when she involved Parker . . . she knew how that got to me. “He has Keegan and Dad.”
“Keegan only comes home every other weekend if he’s not deployed.”
Keegan had joined the army after deciding college wasn’t for him, two years in. I was so proud of him, and thankful he was stationed only a little over an hour from Denver so he could come home often. “And he’s getting out soon, so he’ll be around more.”
“I know you can do this on your own, Reagan. But that doesn’t mean you have to or should.”
“Dating would be exhausting for me . . . and I don’t want to put Parker through that.” I chewed on my bottom lip for a second as I debated whether or not I should voice my fears. With a hard breath, I told her the rest quickly. “Austin didn’t want him, I wouldn’t be able to handle it if I let someone into our life and he decided he didn’t want Parker either.”
“Reagan,” she crooned, her voice wavering. “They won’t all be like him.”
“I know, I just—I’m not ready for that possibility. You know? I can take the rejection . . . just not if they reject him.”
“I understand, sweetheart. I really do. But I’ll never stop praying for the perfect man for you and Parker.”
I wanted to tell her that even if he was out there, I probably wouldn’t give him the time of day; but the way she was talking broke my heart, so I kept my mouth shut. I knew everyone in my family wanted that for Parker and me, and it’s not that I didn’t want that for us either. I just couldn’t imagine myself taking that leap of faith in someone else. Someone who could potentially ruin us forever.
Coen—July 30, 2010
“SACO, MAN, YOU can’t let her f**king do this to you. It’s your f**king kid, she can’t just keep him from you.”
