Carnal Secrets
Page 36

If Shaya hadn’t known about Derren’s plan to make Nick into his Alpha, she would have bought that act. She wasn’t yet sure whether she wanted the plan to be successful or not. On the one hand, being an Alpha was natural to Nick and would make his wolf content. On the other hand, Nick had been loaded with responsibilities for a very long time. If he wanted a breather, he deserved one.
While the others continued discussing the extremists, Nick turned her in his arms and brushed her hair from her face. “You’re thinking very hard about something.”
“Just wondering what to do about the house. I mean, are we going back to California for good?”
Pursing his lips, Nick shrugged. “That’s up to you.” He had never felt bonded to any particular place—not even to the land where he’d once been Alpha. As such, neither he nor his wolf was being tugged in a direction other than Shaya.
“No, it’s up to both of us.” If the idiot wasn’t making decisions for her, he was handing them completely over to her—unreal. It struck her then that being a partnership was uncharted territory for Nick. As Alpha, he’d been used to making decisions alone and putting what everybody else needed before himself. She didn’t want him always putting her needs first. A relationship was about finding middle ground. “It has to be something that works for us both.”
“I know that, baby, but I don’t see the point in being fussy about something that means more to you than it does to me. I don’t feel drawn to any particular place. Maybe you do.”
“Actually, no. I’ve always wanted to travel. My dad used to tell me stories of all the places he’d been, and I’d always wanted to see them when I was old enough to go traveling.”
“Then maybe you’ll be happy to finally learn what the job you’ve applied for is.”
“Go on.”
“Dean Middleton is soon retiring from his position as one of the wolf shifter mediators. If you want the job, it’ll mean you’ll need to travel a lot.” In Nick’s opinion, no position would suit her better.
Shaya could only gawk. Then she was smiling widely and wrapping her arms around him. “Thank you!” It was, in fact, a job she would love.
“Dean’s contract doesn’t run out for another four weeks,” he told her when she released him, “so you have time to still go through the interview process. I’m confident they’ll adore you and decide you’re best for the job.”
Clearly Shaya’s delight had caught Taryn’s and Derren’s attention, because they both appeared. “What’s going on?” asked Taryn.
Excited, Shaya told them. “I would love it.” And it would give her a sense of purpose—another thing she would enjoy having. Grateful, she snuggled against Nick.
Taryn nodded approvingly at Nick. “Good call, Axton. I actually wouldn’t have thought of that, and I’ve known her for forever.”
“What kind of mate would I be if I didn’t know her inside out?” Nick dropped a kiss on Shaya’s head.
“An Alpha female as a mediator,” drawled Taryn. “Even better.”
Nick shook his head in exasperation. “How many times do I have to say it? I’m not starting a pack. You’re almost as bad as…” Nick stopped, frowning. His mouth repeatedly opened and closed, but the name of the guy he was talking about, the guy in front of him who he had known for a long time, wouldn’t come out. It wouldn’t come out, because he couldn’t remember it. He reached for it again and again, feeling like it was on the tip of his tongue…but it didn’t come. His wolf growled and instantly began pacing, knowing this wasn’t good.
Shaya frowned in confusion, unsure what was wrong. “Hey, you okay?” Nick looked at her, but he didn’t answer. He seemed to be struggling with something. Totally baffled, she turned to Derren and raised a questioning brow. The guy was pale. What the hell was going on? “Nick, what is it?”
Nick shook himself out of it, determined to hide his panic from Shaya. How could he not panic? The memory lapse was a too-familiar feeling—a sign that his cognitive functions were again degenerating. That could only mean one thing…a thing he had dreaded and feared and hoped would never happen. And there was really only one thing he could do if he wanted his mate—the only thing that mattered to him—to live a full, happy life: leave that life.
His wolf didn’t agree with Nick’s decision, as the animal was too elemental in his way of thinking. Shaya was his mate, she was his, and so Nick must claim her—things were really that simple to his wolf. As such, he was raging with Nick for his decision to leave, pacing, growling, tearing into Nick with his claws. But Nick ignored his protests. This wasn’t something he would budge on, no matter how much it enraged his wolf, or how much it would hurt them both to do it.
Forcing a smile for Shaya, Nick kissed her gently on the mouth, wishing he could deepen it, take his time, and enjoy this one last taste of her. But his Shaya wasn’t stupid; she would know something was wrong, would sense the desperation in that kiss. Worse, she would insist that he stay, would demand that they face this together because that was who she was. So f**king brave and with such a big heart and a stubborn will.
He didn’t want her to one day find herself looking into the eyes of a person she had mated with and seeing nothing of that person there. He didn’t want her to spend her life without someone being there for her, loving her, and caring for her. She had already lost her twin, had been through enough. She needed and deserved to have somebody who could take of her, not for it to be the other way around.
“I just remembered I haven’t let Bruce out of the motor home for some air today.” Most likely because he was uncomfortable being in a house full of strange shifters, Bruce preferred to stay in the motor home most of the time. “I’ll be back in a minute,” he added, running his finger from her temple to her jawline, needing to touch her, needing that contact…and bracing himself to give it up.
Suspicious and, for a reason she wasn’t sure of, suddenly anxious, Shaya nonetheless nodded. “Okay.”
“I’ll be back in a minute.” He took one last moment to drink in the sight of her, drink in every single detail of her face, despite that each one was already committed to memory—a memory that would disintegrate until it eventually didn’t include her. The idea of that was enough to put a lump in his throat.
Ignoring his wolf’s raging, Nick forced another smile for her and then strolled out of the house. It hurt to do it. Hurt to do the one thing he’d sworn to her that he’d never do. Hurt to know he’d never again see her, never again hear her laugh, and never again experience the calm that only she gave him. But he’d do it for her. And it was for her, though he doubted she’d see it that way.
He hadn’t been inside the motor home for more than five seconds when Derren abruptly barged in. “What are you doing?”
Nick threw Derren an impatient look. At least he could remember his name again. “Is that a serious question?”
“I thought you didn’t want to leave her.”
“I don’t. But I won’t f**k up her life.”
“Don’t you think Shaya gets some say in this? Or don’t you think you owe it to her to at least consult another healer?”
“If a healer as strong as Amber can’t help, no one can. And you know it.”
Derren bowed his head, inhaling deeply. When he looked up again, there was pain in his expression. “If you run, you’ll lose her forever, Nick. She’ll never forgive you.”
“I’d rather she hated me than for her to watch me slowly become someone I’m not, become her patient. That’s not a mate.” And at least this way, she would remember him as he was. “The upside of leaving is that I’ll lead Logan away from her. No doubt some of his followers are still watching from a distance. They’ll see me leaving.”
“I’m coming with you.”
Nick shook his head. “No.”
A snort. “Surely you’ve learned by now that arguing with me over this gets you nowhere.”
“I want you to stay with her,” he said through his teeth. “I want to be sure that she’s safe.” He trusted Derren with her.
Arching a daring brow, Derren folded his arms across his chest. “If you want to be sure she’s safe, stay.”
Son of a bitch. “Why are you doing this?”
“I’m your friend, and I don’t want you to make a mistake you’ll regret for the rest of your life.”
Nick snickered. “How could I regret anything when I probably won’t even remember her after six years or so? It would hurt her to see that happen.”
“So you’re going to cut and run?”
Hearing the new voice—a female voice filled with hurt, betrayal, and fury—Nick squeezed his eyes shut. He’d been so wrapped up in his own panic that he hadn’t sensed her come in.
Shaya advanced toward them, arms folded. It hadn’t taken a genius to work out that something was seriously wrong, particularly when Derren had dashed out after Nick. So she’d followed and remained outside the motor home, eavesdropping on the conversation between the two males. A part of her was hurting for Nick, sympathized with him, and even understood why he had made this decision and why he believed this was his only choice. But the other part of her was too torn up and felt too betrayed to give a flying f**k—he was her mate, he’d sworn that he wouldn’t abandon her again, and now he was going back on his word. Her wolf wasn’t angry; she was too busy freaking the f**k out, panicky and anxious.
Without moving her eyes from Nick, she gritted out, “Derren, leave.”
The authority in her voice made Nick’s wolf stop in his pacing, surprised. Even more surprising, Derren’s wolf didn’t appear to have bristled at a command coming from a submissive wolf. Nor did Derren; he coaxed Bruce to follow him out of the motor home and closed the door behind them…leaving Nick alone with a totally pissed-off female wolf who looked ready to bloody him—again.
Shaya smiled bitterly. “Here you are again making decisions for both of us, deciding what’s ‘best’ for me and leaving me, all in the name of that.”
“Are you telling me you wouldn’t do the same if the situation was reversed?”
Okay, yeah, she probably would, but while she was hurting this badly, she wasn’t concerned with being fair. “If I want to be here for you and stick by you through all this, then that is my choice.”
His face hardened. “I’m supposed to protect you, Shay. I’m supposed to protect you, care for you, and be a pillar of strength for you. It shouldn’t be the other f**king way around.”
A snicker. “Sounds like pride talking to me.”
Yes, his pride was taking a huge blow, but that hadn’t been what he’d meant and she knew it. “I can’t give you what you need,” he said quietly, his voice gravelly with emotion.
“You promised me,” she hissed.
“Shay—”
“You promised me. You swore you wouldn’t leave me again! I trusted you!”
“That was before I knew I wasn’t healed. And you’ve never really trusted me, Shay.”
The sadness in those latter words made her want to cry. He looked and sounded so lonely, and it broke her and her wolf inside. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to make this decision for me. I choose to stand by you through this.”
“Why? So you can watch me slowly deteriorate and become someone you don’t know? Well f**k that. I choose to not make you go through that.” And then she was punching the shit out of his chest. He locked his arms around her, grunting through clenched teeth as she dealt his ribs blow after blow. After a minute or so, she finally stopped. She didn’t move away, kept her forehead leaning against his chest as she tried to calm down, panting and clenching her fists. He gently kissed her hair, loving the softness of it and knowing he’d miss it.
She didn’t look up at him when she spoke. “I’ll hate you forever if you go now.”
Cupping her face, Nick lifted her gaze to his. “I would rather you despised me than for you to be without a mate. I wouldn’t be a mate, Shay. I wouldn’t even be someone you knew.” He ran the pad of his thumb across her bottom lip. “You deserve better than me anyway. You always knew that. It’s why you don’t want me to claim you.”
No, it wasn’t; she did want him to claim her. And maybe she hadn’t known exactly how much she wanted that until right then, but it was true. She had come to trust him as much as she trusted Taryn—which was saying a lot—had come to depend on him, and had come to finally accept his place in her life. And now he wanted to leave. Not a chance. If the situation had been reversed, nothing would have made Nick leave her. He would never have made her go through such a thing alone; he’d have supported her every step of the way. She’d be damned if she’d behave any differently. He was hers. Ill, healthy—it didn’t matter. And if he didn’t like her decision, he could kiss her wolf’s furry ass.
Dropping his hands from her face, Nick stepped back. “I need you to go inside now, Shay.”
Her eyes flared with defiance and anger. “No.”
Nick sighed. “Baby, please—”
“No.”
He arched a brow at her. “Don’t make me put you unconscious again, Shay. If that’s what it takes, I’ll do it. You know I never make a threat I don’t intend to follow through on.”