“What?”
She nodded, a glazed look coming over her eyes. “He died, too. Everyone who loves me dies. Everyone in my family. Jeffrey. I can’t love Noah because he’ll die, too.”
I felt my mouth drop open. She believed this. I saw the fear, and I scooted close, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. “No, no, no. Noah won’t die.”
She turned into me, but kept shaking her head. “I know it’s dumb. I know it’s a superstition, but it’s how I feel. I’m afraid of being happy with him and letting myself love him, but I do.” More tears swam in her eyes. “I love him so much, but I can’t lose him. I can’t lose anyone. If he went, it would destroy me.”
I wasn’t sure what was more shocking—her belief that if she loved someone, she would lose them or the fact that she’d had a fiancé. She’d never said a word, but seeing her tears, I could only imagine the love she must’ve had for him. She looked broken, a side to Theresa I had never witnessed. So many emotions swept through me—sorrow, pain, tears. I wiped my own away and pulled back. “Theresa, you won’t lose him.”
“I’m terrified.”
She was terrified of losing the man she loved. I couldn’t help but sit back and reflect on my own situation. Carter was still a part of the mafia, even though he was technically out. He wasn’t. He was still in, no matter how he and I were trying to delude ourselves. He was here. He was hiding things, or keeping things from me. He was still in. I should have been terrified—Carter had a better chance of being killed than Noah. But I wasn’t.
What did that say about me? Was I numb to it now? Or was I really not worried?
Theresa wiped more tears away and sat back, trying to compose herself. I sat and pondered my own love.
Was something wrong with me? Or had I gotten comfortable with the constant fear? I glanced around again and this time, I found where Thomas stood. I caught sight of him behind a post across from us. I didn’t know why I hadn’t seen him before. Maybe he allowed it this time, like he knew something was wrong. I didn’t know, but I looked around again. There was Michael. Peter. Thomas 2, as I called him. My guards. They gave me a sense of security, but I realized that security was an illusion. They were protecting me for a reason, protecting me from a real threat.
I should have been terrified too, but I wasn’t.
An unsettled sensation rested on my shoulders.
I swallowed over a knot in my throat. I shouldn’t feel secure. That wasn’t the truth of my life and sitting here, hearing Theresa’s very real fear, chipped away at my reality. I couldn’t stop it.
Carter’s face flashed to my mind. He was scared. I’d seen it that night when he came to tell me about all this.
“I need to tell you what happened today, because it could affect us… Things are going to happen now.”
My hand reached for Theresa’s again. Swallowing my memories and the terror I should have been feeling, I said, “If you love Noah, don’t waste time.”
I had asked Carter later, “What happens now?”
I wouldn’t let Theresa go. “You don’t know how long you might have.”
His eyes had been in so much pain as he said, “War.”
“Live with him and love him,” I told her, leaving off the as long as you can. I kept that from leaving my tongue.
Her eyes clung to mine. This wasn’t a normal exchange for us. Theresa was my superior at work and a friend, a sister at times. She was professional, spunky, and liked to have fun. But she didn’t enjoy facing the world head-on. She liked to stick her head in the sand.
I understood it now. Living life that way, denying the truths and harsh realities, could make you feel secure and sheltered. She looked at life as black or white, wrong or right. This was why she didn’t like Carter. He was in the gray area. She couldn’t proclaim him as bad and stand in judgment, putting her head back in the sand, because I loved him and Noah considered him like a brother. Noah was Carter’s “right” brother—in the world he wanted to go to, not from the world he wanted to leave.
Cole was the “wrong” brother, the other one. His mere existence was pulling Carter back to the wrong way of life.
“Emma?”
“Mmm?” Focusing on her pulled me from my thoughts. My unsettled sensation was still there, and even as I concentrated on my friend, my wine night with her, I couldn’t shake the edgy feeling.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.” I forced a grin. “Why?”
“Because I’m losing circulation in my hand.” She lifted it, and I saw my death grip on her.
I immediately let go. “I’m so sorry. I was just…” Realizing my own truths. “My mind wandered.”
“You think I should get over it?” Her smile slipped a tiny bit. “Live with the fear of losing him, as long as I can love him while I have him?”
I nodded. “I do.”
“Okay.” She reached for her wine and downed the rest of it. “Can I get drunk first, though?”
“Yes, please.” I laughed and scanned the restaurant for a server. Both of our glasses were empty. A waiter appeared and filled them back up, and continued to do this as we stayed there for another two hours.
I didn’t know if it was the wine or the bonding I had experienced with Theresa, but I let go of all her wariness about Carter. It had become a wedge between us, whether she realized it or not, but now I felt the old kinship we’d had when we first began working together. I’d missed this time with her. Theresa was once again my sister, which made me think about my real sister.
Her name was Andrea. And she was waiting to meet me, whenever I made that decision. Live with him and love him as long as you can. I had shared this sentiment with Theresa; maybe I needed to follow my own advice.
After no bill came to us, confirming my suspicions, we left the restaurant. I wanted to tell Carter as soon as I saw him. I wanted to say thank you, again, for every time he took care of us at his businesses, but also talk to him about my sister. In a way, it was because of him that she found me.
Riding home in the limousine, I couldn’t stop thinking about Andrea. She looked like me in the pictures. She would have memories of our mother and maybe an explanation of what had separated AJ and myself from her. The more I thought about her and considered our first meeting, the more excited I grew.
She nodded, a glazed look coming over her eyes. “He died, too. Everyone who loves me dies. Everyone in my family. Jeffrey. I can’t love Noah because he’ll die, too.”
I felt my mouth drop open. She believed this. I saw the fear, and I scooted close, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. “No, no, no. Noah won’t die.”
She turned into me, but kept shaking her head. “I know it’s dumb. I know it’s a superstition, but it’s how I feel. I’m afraid of being happy with him and letting myself love him, but I do.” More tears swam in her eyes. “I love him so much, but I can’t lose him. I can’t lose anyone. If he went, it would destroy me.”
I wasn’t sure what was more shocking—her belief that if she loved someone, she would lose them or the fact that she’d had a fiancé. She’d never said a word, but seeing her tears, I could only imagine the love she must’ve had for him. She looked broken, a side to Theresa I had never witnessed. So many emotions swept through me—sorrow, pain, tears. I wiped my own away and pulled back. “Theresa, you won’t lose him.”
“I’m terrified.”
She was terrified of losing the man she loved. I couldn’t help but sit back and reflect on my own situation. Carter was still a part of the mafia, even though he was technically out. He wasn’t. He was still in, no matter how he and I were trying to delude ourselves. He was here. He was hiding things, or keeping things from me. He was still in. I should have been terrified—Carter had a better chance of being killed than Noah. But I wasn’t.
What did that say about me? Was I numb to it now? Or was I really not worried?
Theresa wiped more tears away and sat back, trying to compose herself. I sat and pondered my own love.
Was something wrong with me? Or had I gotten comfortable with the constant fear? I glanced around again and this time, I found where Thomas stood. I caught sight of him behind a post across from us. I didn’t know why I hadn’t seen him before. Maybe he allowed it this time, like he knew something was wrong. I didn’t know, but I looked around again. There was Michael. Peter. Thomas 2, as I called him. My guards. They gave me a sense of security, but I realized that security was an illusion. They were protecting me for a reason, protecting me from a real threat.
I should have been terrified too, but I wasn’t.
An unsettled sensation rested on my shoulders.
I swallowed over a knot in my throat. I shouldn’t feel secure. That wasn’t the truth of my life and sitting here, hearing Theresa’s very real fear, chipped away at my reality. I couldn’t stop it.
Carter’s face flashed to my mind. He was scared. I’d seen it that night when he came to tell me about all this.
“I need to tell you what happened today, because it could affect us… Things are going to happen now.”
My hand reached for Theresa’s again. Swallowing my memories and the terror I should have been feeling, I said, “If you love Noah, don’t waste time.”
I had asked Carter later, “What happens now?”
I wouldn’t let Theresa go. “You don’t know how long you might have.”
His eyes had been in so much pain as he said, “War.”
“Live with him and love him,” I told her, leaving off the as long as you can. I kept that from leaving my tongue.
Her eyes clung to mine. This wasn’t a normal exchange for us. Theresa was my superior at work and a friend, a sister at times. She was professional, spunky, and liked to have fun. But she didn’t enjoy facing the world head-on. She liked to stick her head in the sand.
I understood it now. Living life that way, denying the truths and harsh realities, could make you feel secure and sheltered. She looked at life as black or white, wrong or right. This was why she didn’t like Carter. He was in the gray area. She couldn’t proclaim him as bad and stand in judgment, putting her head back in the sand, because I loved him and Noah considered him like a brother. Noah was Carter’s “right” brother—in the world he wanted to go to, not from the world he wanted to leave.
Cole was the “wrong” brother, the other one. His mere existence was pulling Carter back to the wrong way of life.
“Emma?”
“Mmm?” Focusing on her pulled me from my thoughts. My unsettled sensation was still there, and even as I concentrated on my friend, my wine night with her, I couldn’t shake the edgy feeling.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.” I forced a grin. “Why?”
“Because I’m losing circulation in my hand.” She lifted it, and I saw my death grip on her.
I immediately let go. “I’m so sorry. I was just…” Realizing my own truths. “My mind wandered.”
“You think I should get over it?” Her smile slipped a tiny bit. “Live with the fear of losing him, as long as I can love him while I have him?”
I nodded. “I do.”
“Okay.” She reached for her wine and downed the rest of it. “Can I get drunk first, though?”
“Yes, please.” I laughed and scanned the restaurant for a server. Both of our glasses were empty. A waiter appeared and filled them back up, and continued to do this as we stayed there for another two hours.
I didn’t know if it was the wine or the bonding I had experienced with Theresa, but I let go of all her wariness about Carter. It had become a wedge between us, whether she realized it or not, but now I felt the old kinship we’d had when we first began working together. I’d missed this time with her. Theresa was once again my sister, which made me think about my real sister.
Her name was Andrea. And she was waiting to meet me, whenever I made that decision. Live with him and love him as long as you can. I had shared this sentiment with Theresa; maybe I needed to follow my own advice.
After no bill came to us, confirming my suspicions, we left the restaurant. I wanted to tell Carter as soon as I saw him. I wanted to say thank you, again, for every time he took care of us at his businesses, but also talk to him about my sister. In a way, it was because of him that she found me.
Riding home in the limousine, I couldn’t stop thinking about Andrea. She looked like me in the pictures. She would have memories of our mother and maybe an explanation of what had separated AJ and myself from her. The more I thought about her and considered our first meeting, the more excited I grew.
