I stared at the image on the black and white photo she’d handed to me.
It couldn’t be mine. Could it? What would this do to Elaina? FUCK!
Cora turned and shrugged in Elaina’s direction while I kept staring at what I held in my hand. “Well, that’s all I wanted to tell you, darling. I know you’re off in the morning and thought you should know that you’re going to be a daddy. So take care of yourself over there. Be safe and all that rubbish, oh, and send me a cheque now and again. I have to pay the bills you know so I can take care of your child, Neil.”
And then, Cora walked out as I stared at the doctor’s scan and felt I might be sick. I didn’t even say anything. I couldn’t. I don’t know how many moments passed. Could have been a few seconds, could have been an hour but when I looked up, Elaina was gone. The only evidence to show she’d really been present to hear Cora’s claim, were the two shopping bags full of our dinner sitting on the floor at the top of the stairs.
The hours that followed were something out of a horror film. I couldn’t find her and I didn’t know where she had gone off to. She wouldn’t answer my calls or take my messages. Elaina’s mum said she’d called to say I’d left a day early and she was going to stay with a school friend. Elaina didn’t say which friend. Ian hadn’t heard from her. Both her mother and brother were mystified as to what was going on and couldn’t help me.
And I was out of time with no good options.
Desperate and terrified, I pulled every trick in the book trying to get an emergency extension of my tour, but was soundly vetoed. My final orders stood. Report to my commanding officer by the prescribed time in the morning or be arrested and tried in military court.
That night was one of the longest, most horrible experiences I can remember. I didn’t sleep for fear she might show up or ring me. She didn’t though.
The next morning I dragged myself to the train station in misery because my time was up. I scanned the platforms for any sign of her, my heart in shreds, terrified of what I’d say to her but desperately wishing for a chance to try to tell her how sorry I was, and how we could figure out what to do. I loved her, and couldn’t lose her, and I’d make things work out—somehow.
My Cherry Girl wasn’t there.
13
One year later
My final tour in the army had been the worst of my career. I saw the most dangerous action. The riskiest maneuvers attempted, the closest I ever came to dying. The most loss of life experienced of troops I knew and commanded. Just a total f**kin’ mess of events and situations all coalescing into a very dark time for me.
Coming out of it, I was a changed man. For many reasons, but the worst part was finally making it back home to London and finding out she really had gone. Elaina did take the au pair position and moved away to Italy to work within a few months of my leaving.
I’d lost my girl. My Cherry Girl was lost to me and I faced the prospect of living a life without her. During my tour, she never contacted me once. Her mum and Ian still did, but kept out of our business and accepted that whatever had happened between us was not up for discussion, ensuring our privacy was respected. It felt like she’d died, she was that lost to me. I think it would have hurt less if she had died.
When I returned to my flat I found a letter from her dated the day I’d left for Afghanistan.
Dear Neil,
This is terribly hard for me to say, but I have to. I release you. You’re free of anything you ever promised to me about us. I understand your situation and accept what you have to do about it. But, in order for me to survive it, I have to let you go. It’s the only way I can manage to get on with my life, and I ask for you to do the same with me. Let me go. Don’t come for me or try to change my mind. This is how it has to be now.
Goodbye, Neil, and please know that I’ll be wishing for you great success in all that you do, and praying for your safe return home wherever and whenever that may be.
Be well,
Elaina
I read and reread her letter a hundred times. There were some water splotches on it and I imagined they could have been from her tears. I couldn’t bear to throw it away but there were many times I nearly did. The dark times when I was so very angry with her for not giving me a chance to tell her anything about what really happened.
No, I didn’t get that from her. I didn’t get the chance to tell her about what I’d been through in the war. I didn’t get the chance to tell her of the new job opportunity I was offered from a fellow officer—who barely made it out of the army still breathing—we were determined to make into a success.
I didn’t get to tell her about the bizarre turn of events that left me the sole inheritor of a Scottish estate belonging to a great uncle I’d never met. There was a house and land involved along with a fair chunk of money, that left me in a very good place financially for the first time in my life. After actually seeing the place, I didn’t get the opportunity to tell her about it, or say how much I knew she’d love the grounds, or the little lake, or the old cherry trees that blossomed on the property, reminding me so much of our trip to Hallborough.
Everything was f**ked up and my heart was broken.
And, most importantly, I couldn’t tell Elaina that I was definitely not the father of Cora’s baby. I’d been willing to face up to the responsibility of providing for the child if it was mine of course, but it wasn’t mine and Cora shared that with me as soon as her son was born. Whether she was being a decent human being or because it was instantly apparent I couldn’t have fathered him, I don’t know. The point was moot anyway, my loss too great to repair by then.
Cora had up and married the real father before I’d even returned home from my tour. A big Black bloke named Nigel. This was all confirmed when I saw them in the supermarket one day shortly after I got back. The little baby with all the chocolate skin belonged to somebody else. Cute though. I managed a very hollow-sounding ‘congratulations’ and walked out of there, the bitter taste of injustice and anger fueling me forward.
I still desperately longed for Elaina, but the resentment burning inside me at her leaving without a word, had hardened me. So hard that I closed off my emotions and accepted my fate. I’d known bitter disappointment and grief before and I’d lived through it. I was used to accepting things that hurt me terribly and crushed my heart. This was just another one of those.
It couldn’t be mine. Could it? What would this do to Elaina? FUCK!
Cora turned and shrugged in Elaina’s direction while I kept staring at what I held in my hand. “Well, that’s all I wanted to tell you, darling. I know you’re off in the morning and thought you should know that you’re going to be a daddy. So take care of yourself over there. Be safe and all that rubbish, oh, and send me a cheque now and again. I have to pay the bills you know so I can take care of your child, Neil.”
And then, Cora walked out as I stared at the doctor’s scan and felt I might be sick. I didn’t even say anything. I couldn’t. I don’t know how many moments passed. Could have been a few seconds, could have been an hour but when I looked up, Elaina was gone. The only evidence to show she’d really been present to hear Cora’s claim, were the two shopping bags full of our dinner sitting on the floor at the top of the stairs.
The hours that followed were something out of a horror film. I couldn’t find her and I didn’t know where she had gone off to. She wouldn’t answer my calls or take my messages. Elaina’s mum said she’d called to say I’d left a day early and she was going to stay with a school friend. Elaina didn’t say which friend. Ian hadn’t heard from her. Both her mother and brother were mystified as to what was going on and couldn’t help me.
And I was out of time with no good options.
Desperate and terrified, I pulled every trick in the book trying to get an emergency extension of my tour, but was soundly vetoed. My final orders stood. Report to my commanding officer by the prescribed time in the morning or be arrested and tried in military court.
That night was one of the longest, most horrible experiences I can remember. I didn’t sleep for fear she might show up or ring me. She didn’t though.
The next morning I dragged myself to the train station in misery because my time was up. I scanned the platforms for any sign of her, my heart in shreds, terrified of what I’d say to her but desperately wishing for a chance to try to tell her how sorry I was, and how we could figure out what to do. I loved her, and couldn’t lose her, and I’d make things work out—somehow.
My Cherry Girl wasn’t there.
13
One year later
My final tour in the army had been the worst of my career. I saw the most dangerous action. The riskiest maneuvers attempted, the closest I ever came to dying. The most loss of life experienced of troops I knew and commanded. Just a total f**kin’ mess of events and situations all coalescing into a very dark time for me.
Coming out of it, I was a changed man. For many reasons, but the worst part was finally making it back home to London and finding out she really had gone. Elaina did take the au pair position and moved away to Italy to work within a few months of my leaving.
I’d lost my girl. My Cherry Girl was lost to me and I faced the prospect of living a life without her. During my tour, she never contacted me once. Her mum and Ian still did, but kept out of our business and accepted that whatever had happened between us was not up for discussion, ensuring our privacy was respected. It felt like she’d died, she was that lost to me. I think it would have hurt less if she had died.
When I returned to my flat I found a letter from her dated the day I’d left for Afghanistan.
Dear Neil,
This is terribly hard for me to say, but I have to. I release you. You’re free of anything you ever promised to me about us. I understand your situation and accept what you have to do about it. But, in order for me to survive it, I have to let you go. It’s the only way I can manage to get on with my life, and I ask for you to do the same with me. Let me go. Don’t come for me or try to change my mind. This is how it has to be now.
Goodbye, Neil, and please know that I’ll be wishing for you great success in all that you do, and praying for your safe return home wherever and whenever that may be.
Be well,
Elaina
I read and reread her letter a hundred times. There were some water splotches on it and I imagined they could have been from her tears. I couldn’t bear to throw it away but there were many times I nearly did. The dark times when I was so very angry with her for not giving me a chance to tell her anything about what really happened.
No, I didn’t get that from her. I didn’t get the chance to tell her about what I’d been through in the war. I didn’t get the chance to tell her of the new job opportunity I was offered from a fellow officer—who barely made it out of the army still breathing—we were determined to make into a success.
I didn’t get to tell her about the bizarre turn of events that left me the sole inheritor of a Scottish estate belonging to a great uncle I’d never met. There was a house and land involved along with a fair chunk of money, that left me in a very good place financially for the first time in my life. After actually seeing the place, I didn’t get the opportunity to tell her about it, or say how much I knew she’d love the grounds, or the little lake, or the old cherry trees that blossomed on the property, reminding me so much of our trip to Hallborough.
Everything was f**ked up and my heart was broken.
And, most importantly, I couldn’t tell Elaina that I was definitely not the father of Cora’s baby. I’d been willing to face up to the responsibility of providing for the child if it was mine of course, but it wasn’t mine and Cora shared that with me as soon as her son was born. Whether she was being a decent human being or because it was instantly apparent I couldn’t have fathered him, I don’t know. The point was moot anyway, my loss too great to repair by then.
Cora had up and married the real father before I’d even returned home from my tour. A big Black bloke named Nigel. This was all confirmed when I saw them in the supermarket one day shortly after I got back. The little baby with all the chocolate skin belonged to somebody else. Cute though. I managed a very hollow-sounding ‘congratulations’ and walked out of there, the bitter taste of injustice and anger fueling me forward.
I still desperately longed for Elaina, but the resentment burning inside me at her leaving without a word, had hardened me. So hard that I closed off my emotions and accepted my fate. I’d known bitter disappointment and grief before and I’d lived through it. I was used to accepting things that hurt me terribly and crushed my heart. This was just another one of those.
