I am beyond shocked. “What? Why? Why on earth would he do that?”
“To punish me for not giving him any more money.”
I can’t help the shiver that rips through me. My relationship with my mom is fucked up, but this is out in the stratosphere.
The truth is, I’m scared. “But they’ll cave once you put on your defense. It’ll be fine. I mean, it will cost you a boatload of money, but you have about a billion boats of money, right? And you’re innocent, so eventually they’ll drop the charges.”
“Money helps,” Damien says, “but it’s not a guarantee. And innocent people get convicted all the time. And besides,” he adds, his voice as level as I have ever heard it. “I’m not innocent.”
24
I stare, certain that I could not possibly have heard his words right. “No. No,” I say. “Richter killed himself. He jumped off a building and committed suicide.” If I say it enough, it will have to be true.
“He fell to his death, yes.”
I stare at Damien’s face, this man that I have fallen for so completely. Does he have it within him to kill a man?
The answer is not long in coming—I know that he does. He would kill to protect me, I am certain of it. And he would kill to protect himself.
Suddenly, I no longer doubt his words. I shiver, but not because I am horrified. No, I tremble because I fear that I will lose him. That he will be convicted for protecting himself against a man who was truly a monster.
“Nikki,” he says, his voice infinitely sad. “I’m sorry. I’ll go.” He starts to get up off the bed.
“No.” The word seems ripped from me, and I grab hard to his hand and pull him back down. “Don’t leave me. You did what you had to do. What your father should have done, the bastard. I swear if I’d been around back then and knew what that son of a bitch was doing to you, I would have killed him myself.”
Slowly, Damien closes his eyes. I think that it is relief that I see on his face.
“Tell me exactly what happened,” I say gently.
Damien lets go of my hand and stands up. For a moment, I’m afraid that he is leaving anyway, but then I realize that he just needs to move. He walks around the bed, then pauses in front of the Monet. Haystacks in a field and the splendid colors of sunset.
Sunset.
That is our safeword. The word that Damien told me to pick that very first night that I was his. Mine to use if he went too far.
I look at him, and I hope that he will not invoke the word now. I know that it must be hard to go back, to tell me what happened that night. But I need to hear it. More, I need for Damien to tell me. And I fervently hope that the secrets he is so used to keeping won’t tie his tongue now.
“Damien?”
He doesn’t turn around. Doesn’t even move. But I hear his voice, low and steady. “It started when I was nine. The touching. The threats. I won’t tell you the details—I don’t want those memories in my head, much less in yours. But I will tell you it was horrible. I hated him. I hated my father. And I hated myself. Not because I was ashamed—I was never ashamed. But because I had no power to stop him.” He turns to me. “I learned how important power is. It’s the only thing that can truly protect you, and back then, I had none.”
I barely nod, afraid that if I speak or react too much, he will stop talking.
“It went on for years. I grew bigger and stronger, but he was a huge man, and as I got older he added more threats to his repertoire. He had photographs. And there were—” He pauses and takes a deep breath. “There were other things that he threatened.”
“What changed?” I say gently. I don’t want him to relive all those years. I just want to know what happened the night that Richter died.
“All that time he never—he never raped me.” His voice is so low and monotone that it gives me chills. “When I was fourteen, we were in Germany at a tennis center in Munich. I went up to the courts on the roof one night—I don’t remember why. I couldn’t sleep, I was antsy. Whatever. He came up, too. He’d been drinking. I could smell it on him. I tried to go back down, and he blocked me. He tried—for the first time he tried to take his sick games further.” Damien meets my eyes. “I didn’t let him.”
“You pushed him off the roof?” I can barely hear through the pounding of my pulse in my ears.
“No,” he says.
I’m confused. “What happened?”
“We fought,” he says. “I hit him with my racquet. He grabbed it out of my hands. Smacked me across the back of my head with it—I’m lucky the wound wasn’t visible, or the police might have been more interested in me at the time. But it was a nasty fight—and we were at the edge of the roof, an area without the fencing that was by the courts to keep stray balls from going over. I don’t remember exactly what happened. He lunged for me, and I got a good shove in. He stumbled backward and then tripped over something, I’m still not sure what. He was drunk, so maybe it was his own two feet. He went over, but he managed to grab the ledge. He was hanging there, and I was frozen to the spot. I couldn’t move. He called for me to help him.”
I realize that I’m holding my breath.
“I just stood there. He screamed for me, and I can remember the way my head was still throbbing from his blow, but I took one step toward him. One step, and then I stopped. And then he fell.” He closes his eyes, and I see the tremor that shakes his body. “I went back to my room, but I didn’t sleep. The next morning the assistant coach burst in with the news that Richter was dead.”
“They can’t possibly convict you,” I say. “You did nothing wrong.”
“There was a moment when I could have saved him,” he says. “I could have moved faster. I could have reached him.”
“Don’t you dare feel guilty for ‘could have,’ ” I say.
His eyes are hard when he looks at me. “I don’t. I don’t regret it for an instant.”
“Damien, don’t you see? You just need to tell the police all of this.”
“All of what? All of the abuse?”
“Yes,” I say.
“No.”
“But—”
“Nikki, I said no.”
I draw in a deep breath. “So what happens now?”
“I called Charles from the limo. We’re going to Munich tomorrow. The legal team is already in place. I’m hoping that we’ll be able to present a decent defense.”
“You have a decent defense.”
“Don’t push me on that, Nikki. I’m not making that aspect of my life public. Richter took a lot from me, but he’s not taking my privacy, too.”
I nod, because there is no point in arguing this right now. “So the tennis center bigwigs in Germany,” I begin. “Charles and your dad were hoping that if you endorsed the Richter Tennis Center here that those folks would pull strings with the cops?”
“That’s right.”
“But you said your dad started it all.”
“I said that I think he did,” Damien clarifies. “I don’t know everything that goes on in my father’s head, but I do know that before I settled with Padgett, he had at least two meetings with my father. Considering your conversation with Carl, I think he may have been involved, too. I think my father must have told Padgett about the janitor—Schmidt apparently witnessed our fight, though he left before Richter went off the roof.”
“To punish me for not giving him any more money.”
I can’t help the shiver that rips through me. My relationship with my mom is fucked up, but this is out in the stratosphere.
The truth is, I’m scared. “But they’ll cave once you put on your defense. It’ll be fine. I mean, it will cost you a boatload of money, but you have about a billion boats of money, right? And you’re innocent, so eventually they’ll drop the charges.”
“Money helps,” Damien says, “but it’s not a guarantee. And innocent people get convicted all the time. And besides,” he adds, his voice as level as I have ever heard it. “I’m not innocent.”
24
I stare, certain that I could not possibly have heard his words right. “No. No,” I say. “Richter killed himself. He jumped off a building and committed suicide.” If I say it enough, it will have to be true.
“He fell to his death, yes.”
I stare at Damien’s face, this man that I have fallen for so completely. Does he have it within him to kill a man?
The answer is not long in coming—I know that he does. He would kill to protect me, I am certain of it. And he would kill to protect himself.
Suddenly, I no longer doubt his words. I shiver, but not because I am horrified. No, I tremble because I fear that I will lose him. That he will be convicted for protecting himself against a man who was truly a monster.
“Nikki,” he says, his voice infinitely sad. “I’m sorry. I’ll go.” He starts to get up off the bed.
“No.” The word seems ripped from me, and I grab hard to his hand and pull him back down. “Don’t leave me. You did what you had to do. What your father should have done, the bastard. I swear if I’d been around back then and knew what that son of a bitch was doing to you, I would have killed him myself.”
Slowly, Damien closes his eyes. I think that it is relief that I see on his face.
“Tell me exactly what happened,” I say gently.
Damien lets go of my hand and stands up. For a moment, I’m afraid that he is leaving anyway, but then I realize that he just needs to move. He walks around the bed, then pauses in front of the Monet. Haystacks in a field and the splendid colors of sunset.
Sunset.
That is our safeword. The word that Damien told me to pick that very first night that I was his. Mine to use if he went too far.
I look at him, and I hope that he will not invoke the word now. I know that it must be hard to go back, to tell me what happened that night. But I need to hear it. More, I need for Damien to tell me. And I fervently hope that the secrets he is so used to keeping won’t tie his tongue now.
“Damien?”
He doesn’t turn around. Doesn’t even move. But I hear his voice, low and steady. “It started when I was nine. The touching. The threats. I won’t tell you the details—I don’t want those memories in my head, much less in yours. But I will tell you it was horrible. I hated him. I hated my father. And I hated myself. Not because I was ashamed—I was never ashamed. But because I had no power to stop him.” He turns to me. “I learned how important power is. It’s the only thing that can truly protect you, and back then, I had none.”
I barely nod, afraid that if I speak or react too much, he will stop talking.
“It went on for years. I grew bigger and stronger, but he was a huge man, and as I got older he added more threats to his repertoire. He had photographs. And there were—” He pauses and takes a deep breath. “There were other things that he threatened.”
“What changed?” I say gently. I don’t want him to relive all those years. I just want to know what happened the night that Richter died.
“All that time he never—he never raped me.” His voice is so low and monotone that it gives me chills. “When I was fourteen, we were in Germany at a tennis center in Munich. I went up to the courts on the roof one night—I don’t remember why. I couldn’t sleep, I was antsy. Whatever. He came up, too. He’d been drinking. I could smell it on him. I tried to go back down, and he blocked me. He tried—for the first time he tried to take his sick games further.” Damien meets my eyes. “I didn’t let him.”
“You pushed him off the roof?” I can barely hear through the pounding of my pulse in my ears.
“No,” he says.
I’m confused. “What happened?”
“We fought,” he says. “I hit him with my racquet. He grabbed it out of my hands. Smacked me across the back of my head with it—I’m lucky the wound wasn’t visible, or the police might have been more interested in me at the time. But it was a nasty fight—and we were at the edge of the roof, an area without the fencing that was by the courts to keep stray balls from going over. I don’t remember exactly what happened. He lunged for me, and I got a good shove in. He stumbled backward and then tripped over something, I’m still not sure what. He was drunk, so maybe it was his own two feet. He went over, but he managed to grab the ledge. He was hanging there, and I was frozen to the spot. I couldn’t move. He called for me to help him.”
I realize that I’m holding my breath.
“I just stood there. He screamed for me, and I can remember the way my head was still throbbing from his blow, but I took one step toward him. One step, and then I stopped. And then he fell.” He closes his eyes, and I see the tremor that shakes his body. “I went back to my room, but I didn’t sleep. The next morning the assistant coach burst in with the news that Richter was dead.”
“They can’t possibly convict you,” I say. “You did nothing wrong.”
“There was a moment when I could have saved him,” he says. “I could have moved faster. I could have reached him.”
“Don’t you dare feel guilty for ‘could have,’ ” I say.
His eyes are hard when he looks at me. “I don’t. I don’t regret it for an instant.”
“Damien, don’t you see? You just need to tell the police all of this.”
“All of what? All of the abuse?”
“Yes,” I say.
“No.”
“But—”
“Nikki, I said no.”
I draw in a deep breath. “So what happens now?”
“I called Charles from the limo. We’re going to Munich tomorrow. The legal team is already in place. I’m hoping that we’ll be able to present a decent defense.”
“You have a decent defense.”
“Don’t push me on that, Nikki. I’m not making that aspect of my life public. Richter took a lot from me, but he’s not taking my privacy, too.”
I nod, because there is no point in arguing this right now. “So the tennis center bigwigs in Germany,” I begin. “Charles and your dad were hoping that if you endorsed the Richter Tennis Center here that those folks would pull strings with the cops?”
“That’s right.”
“But you said your dad started it all.”
“I said that I think he did,” Damien clarifies. “I don’t know everything that goes on in my father’s head, but I do know that before I settled with Padgett, he had at least two meetings with my father. Considering your conversation with Carl, I think he may have been involved, too. I think my father must have told Padgett about the janitor—Schmidt apparently witnessed our fight, though he left before Richter went off the roof.”
