Closer to the Edge
Page 69
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“When she’s irritated with me, she puts her hands on her hips and taps her foot. I never told her it’s the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. Sometimes when she’s sleeping, she sighs my name and it’s the best sound in the world. Even when she’s asleep she’s thinking about me and it makes me feel like a Goddamn king.”
Taking a deep breath, I look away from the sky and see Gwen and Parker staring at me with sappy smiles on their faces. At least they haven’t tried kicking my ass and I can still feel Olivia sitting beside me. If she hasn’t run away yet, that must be a good sign.
“I was a complete pompous ass when I met her and I have no idea why she didn’t punch me in the face,” I say with a laugh, shaking my head. “After she gave me the brush off, I flew out to DC and showed up at her job every single day for two weeks until she finally gave in and said she’d go out with me. I’m pretty sure she just did it so I’d stop following her around and annoying her with my lame pick-up lines, but it didn’t matter. She said yes and my life was never the same after that moment. I fell in love with her the very first time I saw her and I never stopped. She took away my nightmares and she made me want to be a better man. A man she deserved, because that woman? She deserved the world. She deserved to be loved unconditionally and she deserved to be taken care of for once in her life. I should have taken better care of her. She gave me her heart and I didn’t appreciate it.”
I hear Olivia sniffle next to me and I want to beg her not to cry. I’m not worth the tears she’s shedding, but I want to be. I want to be the man she needs. I want to be every single thing that’s been missing from her life.
“You fucked things up, didn’t you, buddy?” Gwen asks, playing along.
I nod my head and keep going. “I did. I fucked things up big time. I let her walk away when all I wanted to do was hold onto her and never let go. I was so concerned with what my life would be like without her that I never thought about what her life would be like with me. I’m not the easiest person to deal with and I’ve made mistakes. I’m a guy, so obviously I’m going to make more, but I will never, ever make the mistake of not believing in her again. Of not realizing how amazing and caring she is and how loving her was the only damn thing I ever did right in my life. I just wish I could have told her that before she left.”
“Maybe she already knows,” Parker says softly. “Maybe she’s been second-guessing her decision to walk away but doesn’t want to admit it.”
I see her glance at Olivia and I try not to let hope overwhelm me before I’m finished saying everything I came here to say.
“She had every right to walk away,” I continue. “I hurt her. She’d been hurt before, but what I did was much worse. I forgot about all the ways she made my life better. I forgot about how her laugh could make me forget whatever’s bothering me and how the smell of her skin could take away my bad memories and make me just want to breathe her in for the rest of my life.”
I shift to the side and reach into the front pocket of my jeans, pulling out the item that’s been folded and unfolded so many times in the last year it’s a wonder it hasn’t torn in half. I carefully open it up and stare at it for a few seconds before turning it around and holding it up for everyone on the blanket to see.
“Why do you have a picture of a door in your pocket?” Gwen asks, reaching out and taking it from my hands.
She looks at it for a few seconds before handing it to Olivia. I hear her sharp intake of breath and I take that moment to finally look at her. She’s so beautiful I want to cry like a fucking baby. It feels like I’ve been away from her for years and not just a few months.
“That’s not just any door, that’s my yellow door,” I announce. “You see, this beautiful, amazing woman I took for granted, she painted that door yellow right after we moved in together. I teased her about it, but I never told her that coming home every day and walking through that yellow door was the best fucking thing in the world. That yellow door represented light and hope and a future I never thought I deserved. Every time I saw that yellow door, I knew I was home. I knew that what was behind that door was everything I’d ever need in life and I knew I’d never be happier than living in that house, with that woman and our yellow door.”
I reach over and gently take the photograph out of Olivia’s hands. The picture I took the morning I left for the Dominican. The picture I carried around the world with me and looked at every single day and night, wishing I was there, on the front porch, getting ready to walk through that door and take back my life and my future.
Setting the photo down on the blanket, I turn my body and face Olivia. Her eyes meet mine and they fill with tears she’s trying so hard to keep from falling.
“You’re my home, my future, my everything… you’re my yellow door, Liv. I can’t take back the things I’ve done. I can’t erase the hurt I’ve caused you, but I will spend the rest of my life loving you and taking care of you and being everything you need if you’ll just let me. Let me take care of you, Liv. Let me love you,” I plead.
The crowd around us gets to their feet and starts clapping and chanting Layla’s name as she says good-bye and thanks them for a great evening. I ignore them, blocking out all the noise and hold my breath. I don’t care about anyone else. I don’t give a fuck about all the nameless, faceless strangers laughing and cheering around us. The only person that matters is sitting right in front of me, not saying a word. I quickly try to think of something more to say, of another way to explain to her how much I love her and how sorry I am for all the things that went wrong. I open my mouth to let the word vomit fly when her hand comes up, covering my lips with the tips of her fingers.
Taking a deep breath, I look away from the sky and see Gwen and Parker staring at me with sappy smiles on their faces. At least they haven’t tried kicking my ass and I can still feel Olivia sitting beside me. If she hasn’t run away yet, that must be a good sign.
“I was a complete pompous ass when I met her and I have no idea why she didn’t punch me in the face,” I say with a laugh, shaking my head. “After she gave me the brush off, I flew out to DC and showed up at her job every single day for two weeks until she finally gave in and said she’d go out with me. I’m pretty sure she just did it so I’d stop following her around and annoying her with my lame pick-up lines, but it didn’t matter. She said yes and my life was never the same after that moment. I fell in love with her the very first time I saw her and I never stopped. She took away my nightmares and she made me want to be a better man. A man she deserved, because that woman? She deserved the world. She deserved to be loved unconditionally and she deserved to be taken care of for once in her life. I should have taken better care of her. She gave me her heart and I didn’t appreciate it.”
I hear Olivia sniffle next to me and I want to beg her not to cry. I’m not worth the tears she’s shedding, but I want to be. I want to be the man she needs. I want to be every single thing that’s been missing from her life.
“You fucked things up, didn’t you, buddy?” Gwen asks, playing along.
I nod my head and keep going. “I did. I fucked things up big time. I let her walk away when all I wanted to do was hold onto her and never let go. I was so concerned with what my life would be like without her that I never thought about what her life would be like with me. I’m not the easiest person to deal with and I’ve made mistakes. I’m a guy, so obviously I’m going to make more, but I will never, ever make the mistake of not believing in her again. Of not realizing how amazing and caring she is and how loving her was the only damn thing I ever did right in my life. I just wish I could have told her that before she left.”
“Maybe she already knows,” Parker says softly. “Maybe she’s been second-guessing her decision to walk away but doesn’t want to admit it.”
I see her glance at Olivia and I try not to let hope overwhelm me before I’m finished saying everything I came here to say.
“She had every right to walk away,” I continue. “I hurt her. She’d been hurt before, but what I did was much worse. I forgot about all the ways she made my life better. I forgot about how her laugh could make me forget whatever’s bothering me and how the smell of her skin could take away my bad memories and make me just want to breathe her in for the rest of my life.”
I shift to the side and reach into the front pocket of my jeans, pulling out the item that’s been folded and unfolded so many times in the last year it’s a wonder it hasn’t torn in half. I carefully open it up and stare at it for a few seconds before turning it around and holding it up for everyone on the blanket to see.
“Why do you have a picture of a door in your pocket?” Gwen asks, reaching out and taking it from my hands.
She looks at it for a few seconds before handing it to Olivia. I hear her sharp intake of breath and I take that moment to finally look at her. She’s so beautiful I want to cry like a fucking baby. It feels like I’ve been away from her for years and not just a few months.
“That’s not just any door, that’s my yellow door,” I announce. “You see, this beautiful, amazing woman I took for granted, she painted that door yellow right after we moved in together. I teased her about it, but I never told her that coming home every day and walking through that yellow door was the best fucking thing in the world. That yellow door represented light and hope and a future I never thought I deserved. Every time I saw that yellow door, I knew I was home. I knew that what was behind that door was everything I’d ever need in life and I knew I’d never be happier than living in that house, with that woman and our yellow door.”
I reach over and gently take the photograph out of Olivia’s hands. The picture I took the morning I left for the Dominican. The picture I carried around the world with me and looked at every single day and night, wishing I was there, on the front porch, getting ready to walk through that door and take back my life and my future.
Setting the photo down on the blanket, I turn my body and face Olivia. Her eyes meet mine and they fill with tears she’s trying so hard to keep from falling.
“You’re my home, my future, my everything… you’re my yellow door, Liv. I can’t take back the things I’ve done. I can’t erase the hurt I’ve caused you, but I will spend the rest of my life loving you and taking care of you and being everything you need if you’ll just let me. Let me take care of you, Liv. Let me love you,” I plead.
The crowd around us gets to their feet and starts clapping and chanting Layla’s name as she says good-bye and thanks them for a great evening. I ignore them, blocking out all the noise and hold my breath. I don’t care about anyone else. I don’t give a fuck about all the nameless, faceless strangers laughing and cheering around us. The only person that matters is sitting right in front of me, not saying a word. I quickly try to think of something more to say, of another way to explain to her how much I love her and how sorry I am for all the things that went wrong. I open my mouth to let the word vomit fly when her hand comes up, covering my lips with the tips of her fingers.
