Johnny shrugs. “No big deal, angel,” he says, waving a hand in front of him. “Someone obviously needed them more than we do.”
My heart tightens at his words.
The lady with Johnny must see my reaction because she smiles and pats my arm. “It’s okay, sweetie,” she coos.
I pull my phone out of my pocket, type out a message and have Cordy say, “Grams… you know who has a garage full of shoes?”
28
—Becca—
Grams goes back to sleep after our outing, and I go back to my room. I’m in the middle of editing the photographs I’d taken last night and earlier today when I hear a knock on my door that has my breath halting and my stomach flipping. The knocking sounds again, fast and light, letting me know exactly who it is even before I answer it. Tommy’s grin is all consuming. I fall to my knees, my arms wide and ready for him. He barrels into me, holding my neck tight to his chest as he sways from side to side. “I missed you,” he whispers, and I swear, my heart physically expands, escapes from my chest and falls right into his little hands.
He pulls back, his eyes on mine. “Nanni’s at Dad’s making dinner. You want to come over and play with me?”
I nod, standing slowly and taking his hand.
“We have to be really quiet. Ma’am’s sleeping.”
“Okay,” I mouth.
“Follow me.” Tommy releases my hand so he can tiptoe down the stairs, using the rail to help him. As soon as he’s off the steps, he lays flat on his stomach and looks up at me, holding a finger to his mouth. After I nod, he waves for me to join him on the floor, and I do, because who the hell can say no to a Warden boy?
As silently as possible, we army crawl past the kitchen, into the living room, and toward the front door. Tommy points to the doorknob above us, and I reach up and turn it as slowly as possible. Once outside Tommy says, his voice back to normal, “Ma’am sleeps a lot now. She doesn’t play like she used to.” He picks up a skateboard leaning against the house, flies down the porch steps, jumps on the board and kicks, then pushes, off the ground. He rolls the ten feet toward the bottom of the apartment stairs before jumping off and turning back to me. “You coming?” he asks.
I realize I’m still standing on the porch, too fascinated with watching him that I haven’t even began to move. I put one foot in front of the other, my movements slow, my fascination increasing. Tommy waits at the bottom of the stairs, holding the skateboard under his arm. He’s wearing a backwards cap, a gray Globe shirt, dark skinny jeans and a pair of Globe shoes that look way too big for his feet.
He looks so much like Josh it’s scary.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
I shake my head, and he starts to move again.
He even climbs the stairs like Josh.
Opens the front door like Josh.
Slips off his shoes like Josh.
Throws his skateboard on the couch like Josh.
“He’s changed a lot the last couple of months,” Ella says, catching me staring at her grandson. “He thinks he’s all grown up.” She wipes her hands on a dishtowel as she walks toward me. As soon as she’s close enough, she hugs me gently.
There’s something safe, yet completely unfamiliar about being in her arms. My stomach flips as she looks down at me, her eyes seeming to hold a secret only she knows. “It’s so good to see you,” she says, pulling back and settling her hand on my cheek. “Did you have a good time with Josh?”
I nod, afraid to make eye contact in case she can somehow see my secrets.
“And you liked Portland?”
Another nod.
“Are you hungry?”
I chew my lip and glance at her quickly. Then offer another nod.
“Becs and I are going to play in my room,” Tommy says, taking my hand and dragging me away.
Even his room has changed.
There are no longer posters of trains and Pixar characters covering his walls. In fact, there’s nothing on his walls but the chipped blue paint Josh told me Tommy had picked out himself just before his second birthday.
Tommy sits on his bed, leans against the wall and starts tapping on his iPad. He’s not actually doing anything, just tapping away, opening and closing apps. “Daddy loves you, right? That’s why he asked you to meet him in Poland.”
With a smile, I have Cordy say, “Portland?”
“Daddy didn’t ask me,” he says through a sigh. His eyes lift, eyes full of sadness and confusion. “I don’t think daddy loves me anymore. Not like he used to.”
My mouth opens, a thousand words spinning in my mind. “No,” I mouth, shaking my head and sitting next to him. “Your daddy loves you so much,” Cordy says for me.
Tommy shrugs. “Mommy’s coming home soon and her and Justin are getting married, so he’ll be my new daddy like last time.”
A knock on Tommy’s door saves me from responding. Which is good, because I don’t think I have one in me.
“Dinner’s ready,” Ella says.
“Little trees?” Tommy asks.
Ella laughs. “Yes, little trees. And carrot stick logs and—”
“Pea sea!” Tommy jumps off the bed and pulls me up by my hand, his heartbreaking confession already forgotten. “You want to be a T-Rex with me?”
* * *
Going by Tommy’s expression, I’m the best damn vegetable artist in the world, something I can now add to my list of small achievements. Our vegetable land goes beyond his plate, onto the table, through the bowl of fruit in the middle, and ends on a cookie tray. I make little cavemen from tater tots joined together with tiny slices of carrots, and even make their clothes from green beans. I realize the food’s cold, but I don’t care, and neither does Tommy. “It’s past his bedtime,” Ella says, but I can see she’s enjoying this as much as we are.
“Five more one minutes,” Tommy tells her, his tongue out, concentrating on placing the peas in a pile to create a wave in his “Pea sea.”
Fifteen minutes later, we’re all standing around the table (Tommy on a chair) with our hands close to our chests pretending to be T-Rexes. “Ready?” Tommy whispers.
Ella and I nod.
“Free. Two. Ready. Set. One. Go!”
Swear there’s nothing funnier than watching Tommy demolish an entire table of vegetables with only his mouth and tiny little T-Rex arms.
Wait.
I was wrong.
There’s nothing funnier than watching Ella do the same thing.
“Come on, Becs!” Tommy yells, an entire caveman in his mouth.
“Neh Mecs!” Ella struggles to say, green beans and carrots falling form her lips.
In another world, another life, being with Josh and Tommy, even with Ella—belonging to a world I’d once desperately longed for—this would’ve been enough.
Maybe it still is.
I listen to Tommy’s cackle mixing with Ella’s giggles, and I take a mental photograph of the moment and store it safe in my heart, and I make a promise to myself to keep it there… even if I lose it all, I’ll cherish this moment as a greater yesterday.
* * *
With Tommy showered and clear of any food scraps, we crawl into his bed together so I can spend what little time I have here with him. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be gone again.
My heart tightens at his words.
The lady with Johnny must see my reaction because she smiles and pats my arm. “It’s okay, sweetie,” she coos.
I pull my phone out of my pocket, type out a message and have Cordy say, “Grams… you know who has a garage full of shoes?”
28
—Becca—
Grams goes back to sleep after our outing, and I go back to my room. I’m in the middle of editing the photographs I’d taken last night and earlier today when I hear a knock on my door that has my breath halting and my stomach flipping. The knocking sounds again, fast and light, letting me know exactly who it is even before I answer it. Tommy’s grin is all consuming. I fall to my knees, my arms wide and ready for him. He barrels into me, holding my neck tight to his chest as he sways from side to side. “I missed you,” he whispers, and I swear, my heart physically expands, escapes from my chest and falls right into his little hands.
He pulls back, his eyes on mine. “Nanni’s at Dad’s making dinner. You want to come over and play with me?”
I nod, standing slowly and taking his hand.
“We have to be really quiet. Ma’am’s sleeping.”
“Okay,” I mouth.
“Follow me.” Tommy releases my hand so he can tiptoe down the stairs, using the rail to help him. As soon as he’s off the steps, he lays flat on his stomach and looks up at me, holding a finger to his mouth. After I nod, he waves for me to join him on the floor, and I do, because who the hell can say no to a Warden boy?
As silently as possible, we army crawl past the kitchen, into the living room, and toward the front door. Tommy points to the doorknob above us, and I reach up and turn it as slowly as possible. Once outside Tommy says, his voice back to normal, “Ma’am sleeps a lot now. She doesn’t play like she used to.” He picks up a skateboard leaning against the house, flies down the porch steps, jumps on the board and kicks, then pushes, off the ground. He rolls the ten feet toward the bottom of the apartment stairs before jumping off and turning back to me. “You coming?” he asks.
I realize I’m still standing on the porch, too fascinated with watching him that I haven’t even began to move. I put one foot in front of the other, my movements slow, my fascination increasing. Tommy waits at the bottom of the stairs, holding the skateboard under his arm. He’s wearing a backwards cap, a gray Globe shirt, dark skinny jeans and a pair of Globe shoes that look way too big for his feet.
He looks so much like Josh it’s scary.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
I shake my head, and he starts to move again.
He even climbs the stairs like Josh.
Opens the front door like Josh.
Slips off his shoes like Josh.
Throws his skateboard on the couch like Josh.
“He’s changed a lot the last couple of months,” Ella says, catching me staring at her grandson. “He thinks he’s all grown up.” She wipes her hands on a dishtowel as she walks toward me. As soon as she’s close enough, she hugs me gently.
There’s something safe, yet completely unfamiliar about being in her arms. My stomach flips as she looks down at me, her eyes seeming to hold a secret only she knows. “It’s so good to see you,” she says, pulling back and settling her hand on my cheek. “Did you have a good time with Josh?”
I nod, afraid to make eye contact in case she can somehow see my secrets.
“And you liked Portland?”
Another nod.
“Are you hungry?”
I chew my lip and glance at her quickly. Then offer another nod.
“Becs and I are going to play in my room,” Tommy says, taking my hand and dragging me away.
Even his room has changed.
There are no longer posters of trains and Pixar characters covering his walls. In fact, there’s nothing on his walls but the chipped blue paint Josh told me Tommy had picked out himself just before his second birthday.
Tommy sits on his bed, leans against the wall and starts tapping on his iPad. He’s not actually doing anything, just tapping away, opening and closing apps. “Daddy loves you, right? That’s why he asked you to meet him in Poland.”
With a smile, I have Cordy say, “Portland?”
“Daddy didn’t ask me,” he says through a sigh. His eyes lift, eyes full of sadness and confusion. “I don’t think daddy loves me anymore. Not like he used to.”
My mouth opens, a thousand words spinning in my mind. “No,” I mouth, shaking my head and sitting next to him. “Your daddy loves you so much,” Cordy says for me.
Tommy shrugs. “Mommy’s coming home soon and her and Justin are getting married, so he’ll be my new daddy like last time.”
A knock on Tommy’s door saves me from responding. Which is good, because I don’t think I have one in me.
“Dinner’s ready,” Ella says.
“Little trees?” Tommy asks.
Ella laughs. “Yes, little trees. And carrot stick logs and—”
“Pea sea!” Tommy jumps off the bed and pulls me up by my hand, his heartbreaking confession already forgotten. “You want to be a T-Rex with me?”
* * *
Going by Tommy’s expression, I’m the best damn vegetable artist in the world, something I can now add to my list of small achievements. Our vegetable land goes beyond his plate, onto the table, through the bowl of fruit in the middle, and ends on a cookie tray. I make little cavemen from tater tots joined together with tiny slices of carrots, and even make their clothes from green beans. I realize the food’s cold, but I don’t care, and neither does Tommy. “It’s past his bedtime,” Ella says, but I can see she’s enjoying this as much as we are.
“Five more one minutes,” Tommy tells her, his tongue out, concentrating on placing the peas in a pile to create a wave in his “Pea sea.”
Fifteen minutes later, we’re all standing around the table (Tommy on a chair) with our hands close to our chests pretending to be T-Rexes. “Ready?” Tommy whispers.
Ella and I nod.
“Free. Two. Ready. Set. One. Go!”
Swear there’s nothing funnier than watching Tommy demolish an entire table of vegetables with only his mouth and tiny little T-Rex arms.
Wait.
I was wrong.
There’s nothing funnier than watching Ella do the same thing.
“Come on, Becs!” Tommy yells, an entire caveman in his mouth.
“Neh Mecs!” Ella struggles to say, green beans and carrots falling form her lips.
In another world, another life, being with Josh and Tommy, even with Ella—belonging to a world I’d once desperately longed for—this would’ve been enough.
Maybe it still is.
I listen to Tommy’s cackle mixing with Ella’s giggles, and I take a mental photograph of the moment and store it safe in my heart, and I make a promise to myself to keep it there… even if I lose it all, I’ll cherish this moment as a greater yesterday.
* * *
With Tommy showered and clear of any food scraps, we crawl into his bed together so I can spend what little time I have here with him. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be gone again.
