“I’m actually right here.” She stepped in front of the door, swinging a key.
“You had a new lock installed on our bathroom?” I really needed to replace her with another roommate. Fast.
“Yes, I did have a new key made for our bathroom. This is our bathroom, isn’t it?” She narrowed her eyes at me. “Just me and you.”
“What are you trying to say?” I crossed my arms. “Actually, can you hold that thought and just unlock the door, please? Surely we can discuss whatever the issue is after I get off work later today.”
“Nope.” She continued swinging the key. “Your guy friend doesn’t need to use our bathroom when he comes over anymore. That goes for your other friends and work buddies as well. We just completed a new study in my lab about the danger of visitor germs.”
You have got to be kidding me right now...
“Who knows what type of mutated germs they carry, you know? They all travel somewhere new every month and I never hear them talk about fully cleaning their possessions upon their return. I mean, I’m not paying twenty-five hundred a month to deal with your guests’ germs. Also, speaking of your guests, I couldn’t help but notice that you brought someone home with you last night.”
I tried my best to keep a straight face, to look like I was taking her foolishness seriously.
“My music was on its highest volume, but I still overheard you having sexual relations in our living room,” she said. “You had them on the couch, the wall, and the carpet, so I’ve called a deep cleaning service to come here this evening. I expect to be fully repaid by the end of the week for the four hundred dollars this will cost, and from the way things sounded with that guy last night, I hope you plan on getting your mattress steamed. Do you?”
I didn’t answer her. I snatched the key from her hand and unlocked the bathroom door, quickly shutting myself inside. I heard her continuing her pointless speech through the door, so I stepped into the shower and turned up the water pressure as high as it could go.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm my nerves as I washed my hair.
All hope is not lost, Penelope...The new client meeting isn’t until four and you can definitely get to work by two to prepare...
I stepped out of the shower minutes later and headed into the laundry room to get my lucky “signing day” suit. I’d never failed to secure a deal while wearing it, and I always kept it dry cleaned and tucked away for special days like today.
Hitting the lights, I expected to see it hanging high on the clothing rack as usual, but it wasn’t there. It couldn’t have been there because in its place was a similar suit that bore discolored, ugly blotches of white and pink. A suit that looked as if it’d lost a long and hard battle with a bottle of bleach.
“Sarah!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. “Sarah!”
“Yeah?” She called back. “What?”
“What the hell happened to my grey suit?”
“I don’t really know,” she said. “I saw it a few hours ago and realized I must have accidentally bleached it. Sorry.”
I shut the door and headed toward her voice, straight to the kitchen. I silently counted backwards from ten before speaking to prevent myself from completely losing it.
“Sarah, that was my lucky suit and I only wear it on signing days,” I said. “Today is a signing day.”
“Oh. Well, that sounds somewhat exciting,” she said dryly. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Because I need you to kindly tell me how you accidentally bleached a ‘dry-clean’ only suit.” My blood was boiling. “It’s always in a plastic bag, and there is always—always, a bright red ‘DRY CLEAN ONLY’ tag hanging from it.”
“I guess I don’t really know.” She shrugged, smiling. “How do you bring someone home and accidentally forget to clean up when you know damn well that your roommate is a germaphobe?”
I resisted the instant urge to lean over the counter and strangle her, but only because I didn’t have any more time to waste.
I can totally do it later...
I rushed to my room and flipped through the other suits in my closet, settling on a black dress and blazer combination. Searching for my lint brush, I pulled my dresser drawer open and noticed there was a folded paper tucked into the side of my mirror.
This definitely wasn’t here yesterday...
Confused, I opened it and saw a handwritten note in bright, blue cursive:
Rachel,
I think you were lying to me about being “experienced” last night. You orgasmed three times, and that was before we ever made it to your bedroom. I also find it hard to believe you “usually wear silk or lingerie.” Your drawers are full of cotton, granny panties.
—The best man you’ve ever fucked (Thank you for that compliment afterward, even though I already knew that...)
PS—For the record, your pussy is quite phenomenal.
UGH!
I rolled my eyes and tucked his smart-ass note at the bottom of my drawer, realizing he was right about my nonexistent panty collection.
I slipped into my dress and heels, and pulled my hair into a low ponytail. I put on a light layer of concealer and lip gloss, then I grabbed my briefcase and umbrella.
Leaving the condo, I walked halfway down the block to my favorite coffee shop. It was the one place that never failed to instantly turn my dreariest days into my best days with its custom caramel drizzle latte.
I pulled on the door handle, but it didn’t give way. I pulled it even harder and peered inside to see that the café was empty, but the lights were on.
Since when do they close early on Mondays?
I walked to the other entry door and spotted a pink sign in the window.
This establishment has committed HEALTH CODE VIOLATION 785-12.
CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
“Didn’t you hear?” A woman pushed her stroller next to me. “It’s pretty disgusting how badly they failed the inspection.”
“No...” I sighed. “I don’t even want to know what happened.”
“They had a cockroach infestation. It was so bad that they were grinding some of the dead roaches into the coffee beans.” She smiled and held out her phone. “There’s a pretty funny YouTube video about it. See?”
I immediately walked away from her and headed toward my place.
“You had a new lock installed on our bathroom?” I really needed to replace her with another roommate. Fast.
“Yes, I did have a new key made for our bathroom. This is our bathroom, isn’t it?” She narrowed her eyes at me. “Just me and you.”
“What are you trying to say?” I crossed my arms. “Actually, can you hold that thought and just unlock the door, please? Surely we can discuss whatever the issue is after I get off work later today.”
“Nope.” She continued swinging the key. “Your guy friend doesn’t need to use our bathroom when he comes over anymore. That goes for your other friends and work buddies as well. We just completed a new study in my lab about the danger of visitor germs.”
You have got to be kidding me right now...
“Who knows what type of mutated germs they carry, you know? They all travel somewhere new every month and I never hear them talk about fully cleaning their possessions upon their return. I mean, I’m not paying twenty-five hundred a month to deal with your guests’ germs. Also, speaking of your guests, I couldn’t help but notice that you brought someone home with you last night.”
I tried my best to keep a straight face, to look like I was taking her foolishness seriously.
“My music was on its highest volume, but I still overheard you having sexual relations in our living room,” she said. “You had them on the couch, the wall, and the carpet, so I’ve called a deep cleaning service to come here this evening. I expect to be fully repaid by the end of the week for the four hundred dollars this will cost, and from the way things sounded with that guy last night, I hope you plan on getting your mattress steamed. Do you?”
I didn’t answer her. I snatched the key from her hand and unlocked the bathroom door, quickly shutting myself inside. I heard her continuing her pointless speech through the door, so I stepped into the shower and turned up the water pressure as high as it could go.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm my nerves as I washed my hair.
All hope is not lost, Penelope...The new client meeting isn’t until four and you can definitely get to work by two to prepare...
I stepped out of the shower minutes later and headed into the laundry room to get my lucky “signing day” suit. I’d never failed to secure a deal while wearing it, and I always kept it dry cleaned and tucked away for special days like today.
Hitting the lights, I expected to see it hanging high on the clothing rack as usual, but it wasn’t there. It couldn’t have been there because in its place was a similar suit that bore discolored, ugly blotches of white and pink. A suit that looked as if it’d lost a long and hard battle with a bottle of bleach.
“Sarah!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. “Sarah!”
“Yeah?” She called back. “What?”
“What the hell happened to my grey suit?”
“I don’t really know,” she said. “I saw it a few hours ago and realized I must have accidentally bleached it. Sorry.”
I shut the door and headed toward her voice, straight to the kitchen. I silently counted backwards from ten before speaking to prevent myself from completely losing it.
“Sarah, that was my lucky suit and I only wear it on signing days,” I said. “Today is a signing day.”
“Oh. Well, that sounds somewhat exciting,” she said dryly. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Because I need you to kindly tell me how you accidentally bleached a ‘dry-clean’ only suit.” My blood was boiling. “It’s always in a plastic bag, and there is always—always, a bright red ‘DRY CLEAN ONLY’ tag hanging from it.”
“I guess I don’t really know.” She shrugged, smiling. “How do you bring someone home and accidentally forget to clean up when you know damn well that your roommate is a germaphobe?”
I resisted the instant urge to lean over the counter and strangle her, but only because I didn’t have any more time to waste.
I can totally do it later...
I rushed to my room and flipped through the other suits in my closet, settling on a black dress and blazer combination. Searching for my lint brush, I pulled my dresser drawer open and noticed there was a folded paper tucked into the side of my mirror.
This definitely wasn’t here yesterday...
Confused, I opened it and saw a handwritten note in bright, blue cursive:
Rachel,
I think you were lying to me about being “experienced” last night. You orgasmed three times, and that was before we ever made it to your bedroom. I also find it hard to believe you “usually wear silk or lingerie.” Your drawers are full of cotton, granny panties.
—The best man you’ve ever fucked (Thank you for that compliment afterward, even though I already knew that...)
PS—For the record, your pussy is quite phenomenal.
UGH!
I rolled my eyes and tucked his smart-ass note at the bottom of my drawer, realizing he was right about my nonexistent panty collection.
I slipped into my dress and heels, and pulled my hair into a low ponytail. I put on a light layer of concealer and lip gloss, then I grabbed my briefcase and umbrella.
Leaving the condo, I walked halfway down the block to my favorite coffee shop. It was the one place that never failed to instantly turn my dreariest days into my best days with its custom caramel drizzle latte.
I pulled on the door handle, but it didn’t give way. I pulled it even harder and peered inside to see that the café was empty, but the lights were on.
Since when do they close early on Mondays?
I walked to the other entry door and spotted a pink sign in the window.
This establishment has committed HEALTH CODE VIOLATION 785-12.
CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
“Didn’t you hear?” A woman pushed her stroller next to me. “It’s pretty disgusting how badly they failed the inspection.”
“No...” I sighed. “I don’t even want to know what happened.”
“They had a cockroach infestation. It was so bad that they were grinding some of the dead roaches into the coffee beans.” She smiled and held out her phone. “There’s a pretty funny YouTube video about it. See?”
I immediately walked away from her and headed toward my place.
