I leaned back in my chair and regarded her thoughtfully. "I can't remember the last time I had that problem. And gosh, walking around with someone as lovely as you all night sounds like torture."
She smiled and lowered her eyes.
"Can I ask you something?" I asked.
"Of course."
"I didn't use that like a rhetorical question," I said. "I'm serious. I'd like to ask you something, but if you would rather keep it to yourself, that's okay, too."
That put a crack in her mask. I saw her eyes flick up quickly to my face for a moment, and then back down. "Why wouldn't I want to answer your questions?"
"Because we've been working together every day for eleven weeks and I don't know your last name," I said. "I don't know what you do in the real world. I don't know your favorite color or what kind of ice cream you like best. I don't know if you have family. You're very, very good at talking about things that don't matter, and making it seem like the only conversation that could possibly have made sense."
She very carefully did not move or answer.
"Mab's got something on you, too, doesn't she? Just like she does me."
There was another moment of stillness. Then she said in a bare whisper, "Mab has something on everyone. The only question is whether they realize it or not."
"I get that you're afraid of me," I said. "I know you saw Lloyd Slate in action when he was the Winter Knight, and I know exactly what a peach of a human being he was. And I figure you think I'm going to be like him."
"I didn't say that," she said.
"It wasn't an accusation," I said, as gently as I could. "I'm not trying to trick you into saying something. I'm not hoping that you'll give me an excuse to do something to you. Okay? I'm not like Lloyd Slate."
"Neither was he," Sarissa whispered. "Not at first."
A cold little feeling wobbled through my guts.
See, that's the tragedy of the human condition. No one wants to be corrupted by power when they set out to get it. They have good, even noble reasons for doing whatever it is they do. They don't want to misuse it, they don't want to abuse it, and they don't want to become vicious monsters. Good people, decent people, set out to take the high road, to pick up power without letting it change them or push them away from their ideals.
But it keeps happening anyway.
History is full of it. As a rule, people aren't good at handling power. And the second you start to think you're better at controlling your power than anyone else, you've already taken the first step.
"This is the reality, Sarissa," I said quietly. "I'm the Winter Knight. I've got Mab's favor and blessing. I can pretty much do as I damned well please here, and I won't have to answer to anyone but her forit."
The young woman shivered.
"If I wanted it," I said quietly, "if I wanted y . . . to hurt you, I could do it. Right now. You couldn't stop me, and no one else would do a damned thing. I've spent a year on my back and now that I'm moving again, um . . . my various drives are clamoring for action. In fact, Mab probably sent you in here to see what I would do with you."
The pleasant mask faded from Sarissa's face, replaced with wary neutrality. "Yes. Of course she did." She switched her hands, moving the bottom one to the top, carefully, as if she worried about wrinkling her dress. "I know exactly what role she has in mind for me, Sir Knight. I am to"-her mouth twisted-"be at your convenience."
"Yeah, well," I said. "That isn't going to happen, obviously."
Her eyes widened slightly. She held completely still. "I'm sorry?"
"I'm not Lloyd Slate," I said. "I'm not one of Mab's pet monsters-and I'll die before I let her make me into one. You were kind to me and you helped me through a bad patch, Sarissa. I won't forget that. You have my word."
"I don't understand," she said.
"It isn't complicated," I said. "I won't take anything away from you. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to do. Period."
I couldn't interpret the expression on her face when I said that. There could have been anger in it, or suspicion or terror or skepticism. Whatever was going on in her head to make her face look like that, I couldn't translate it.
"You don't believe me," I said. "Do you?"
"I've lived a third of my life inside Arctis Tor," she said, and turned her face away. "I don't believe anyone."
In that moment, I didn't think I'd ever seen someone so entirely lovely look so utterly alone. A third of her life in Winter? And yet she could still be compassionate and friendly and caring. She'd probably seen things, had to face ugliness that few mortals ever did-the Unseelie were endlessly enthusiastic about their amusements, and they liked their games nasty and cruel.
But here she was, facing a fate she must have feared since she was a child-being given to a monster to be devoured. Facing it calmly. Staying in control of herself, and still managing to be warm to me, too. That told me she had a lot of strength, and strength has always been something I found attractive in a woman. So has courage. So has grace under pressure.
I could really get to like this girl.
Which, of course, was why Mab had chosen her-to tempt me, to make me convince myself to abandon the high road so that I could have her. Then, once I'd done one little thing, she'd start scattering new lures in front of me, until eventually I picked another one up. Mab was Mab. She had no intention of keeping a Knight with a conscience.
She smiled and lowered her eyes.
"Can I ask you something?" I asked.
"Of course."
"I didn't use that like a rhetorical question," I said. "I'm serious. I'd like to ask you something, but if you would rather keep it to yourself, that's okay, too."
That put a crack in her mask. I saw her eyes flick up quickly to my face for a moment, and then back down. "Why wouldn't I want to answer your questions?"
"Because we've been working together every day for eleven weeks and I don't know your last name," I said. "I don't know what you do in the real world. I don't know your favorite color or what kind of ice cream you like best. I don't know if you have family. You're very, very good at talking about things that don't matter, and making it seem like the only conversation that could possibly have made sense."
She very carefully did not move or answer.
"Mab's got something on you, too, doesn't she? Just like she does me."
There was another moment of stillness. Then she said in a bare whisper, "Mab has something on everyone. The only question is whether they realize it or not."
"I get that you're afraid of me," I said. "I know you saw Lloyd Slate in action when he was the Winter Knight, and I know exactly what a peach of a human being he was. And I figure you think I'm going to be like him."
"I didn't say that," she said.
"It wasn't an accusation," I said, as gently as I could. "I'm not trying to trick you into saying something. I'm not hoping that you'll give me an excuse to do something to you. Okay? I'm not like Lloyd Slate."
"Neither was he," Sarissa whispered. "Not at first."
A cold little feeling wobbled through my guts.
See, that's the tragedy of the human condition. No one wants to be corrupted by power when they set out to get it. They have good, even noble reasons for doing whatever it is they do. They don't want to misuse it, they don't want to abuse it, and they don't want to become vicious monsters. Good people, decent people, set out to take the high road, to pick up power without letting it change them or push them away from their ideals.
But it keeps happening anyway.
History is full of it. As a rule, people aren't good at handling power. And the second you start to think you're better at controlling your power than anyone else, you've already taken the first step.
"This is the reality, Sarissa," I said quietly. "I'm the Winter Knight. I've got Mab's favor and blessing. I can pretty much do as I damned well please here, and I won't have to answer to anyone but her forit."
The young woman shivered.
"If I wanted it," I said quietly, "if I wanted y . . . to hurt you, I could do it. Right now. You couldn't stop me, and no one else would do a damned thing. I've spent a year on my back and now that I'm moving again, um . . . my various drives are clamoring for action. In fact, Mab probably sent you in here to see what I would do with you."
The pleasant mask faded from Sarissa's face, replaced with wary neutrality. "Yes. Of course she did." She switched her hands, moving the bottom one to the top, carefully, as if she worried about wrinkling her dress. "I know exactly what role she has in mind for me, Sir Knight. I am to"-her mouth twisted-"be at your convenience."
"Yeah, well," I said. "That isn't going to happen, obviously."
Her eyes widened slightly. She held completely still. "I'm sorry?"
"I'm not Lloyd Slate," I said. "I'm not one of Mab's pet monsters-and I'll die before I let her make me into one. You were kind to me and you helped me through a bad patch, Sarissa. I won't forget that. You have my word."
"I don't understand," she said.
"It isn't complicated," I said. "I won't take anything away from you. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to do. Period."
I couldn't interpret the expression on her face when I said that. There could have been anger in it, or suspicion or terror or skepticism. Whatever was going on in her head to make her face look like that, I couldn't translate it.
"You don't believe me," I said. "Do you?"
"I've lived a third of my life inside Arctis Tor," she said, and turned her face away. "I don't believe anyone."
In that moment, I didn't think I'd ever seen someone so entirely lovely look so utterly alone. A third of her life in Winter? And yet she could still be compassionate and friendly and caring. She'd probably seen things, had to face ugliness that few mortals ever did-the Unseelie were endlessly enthusiastic about their amusements, and they liked their games nasty and cruel.
But here she was, facing a fate she must have feared since she was a child-being given to a monster to be devoured. Facing it calmly. Staying in control of herself, and still managing to be warm to me, too. That told me she had a lot of strength, and strength has always been something I found attractive in a woman. So has courage. So has grace under pressure.
I could really get to like this girl.
Which, of course, was why Mab had chosen her-to tempt me, to make me convince myself to abandon the high road so that I could have her. Then, once I'd done one little thing, she'd start scattering new lures in front of me, until eventually I picked another one up. Mab was Mab. She had no intention of keeping a Knight with a conscience.
