“Jackson and Steven?”
“No, I mean my squad brothers. They all had different reasons for enlisting. My buddy Hunter—he lost his dad in 9/11. Montoya—he enlisted to honor his family. Generations of men in his family were soldiers. You’d think that the pressure would suck—but he didn’t hate it like I probably would have. He was proud. I mean, they were all proud to be there, you know? Me?” I swallow the lump in my throat. “I was there because I felt sorry for myself. Because I wanted to run away from reality—a reality that wasn’t all that bad—not compared to war.”
“Do you regret it though?”
“Not for a second,” I say quickly. “Do I regret my reason for joining? Yes. But I wouldn’t take it back.”
“Is that part of the reason you won’t see Christine?”
I inhale a sharp breath, ignoring the discomfort in my ribs. “She didn’t know I was going, Maddy. I never told her or Jax. I packed my shit in the middle of the night and left them a note.” A bitter laugh bubbles out of me. “A stupid note. Like it would make up for my actions. Truthfully—I’m too embarrassed to face her.”
“You think she’d still care about that? I’m sure she’d just want to see you—know that you’re alive and well.”
“Maybe,” I tell her. “But that doesn’t take away the shame.”
She smiles sadly before getting under the covers and resting her head on my shoulder. “Ky?”
“Yeah?”
She stays quiet a beat before whispering, “Do you think you’ll go back? Re-deploy?”
I let my thoughts gather into words, and then I tell her the truth. “That used to be my plan. I didn’t think there was anything here worth staying for.”
“And now?”
I tilt her head up and kiss her once, letting my lips linger. “And now I have you.”
“You have me,” she repeats, smiling against my lips. She pulls away. “Will you tell me about her?”
“Who?”
“Christine.”
I stare up at the ceiling—memories of Christine filling my mind. “She’s badass.”
She chuckles. “Badass?”
“Yeah. She grew up on this farm—was raised by her dad. She kind of reminds me of you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. She’s super sweet. Seems super innocent. Bakes cookies and crafts and stuff, but then she has this badass side to her. Like, she knows how to carry a gun and isn’t afraid to use it.”
“I hate guns,” she says quickly.
I jerk my head up—surprised by her words. “You hate guns? Why?”
She rears back, eyes wide, like she regrets spilling that tiny piece of her. “Nothing. Never mind.”
I sigh, dropping my head back on the pillow. “You do that a lot, you know.”
“Do what?”
“You avoid talking about anything related to you. You do it all the time. Or you change the subject. Don’t think I don’t notice.”
She turns to her side, facing away from me. “Good night, Ky.”
“Really? Are you going to ignore me?
She starts to shuffle out of bed. “I’m going home.”
“No.” I ignore the shooting pain and reach over to her, bringing her back down. “Just stay. Forget I said anything.”
She turns around, her eyes on mine. The pleading look on my face must be enough reason to get her back in bed. “We both have secrets, Ky,” she says, rolling onto her back.
“What are you talking about?” I ask. “You ask a million questions and I answer all of them.”
She sighs loudly, resting her head back on my shoulder.
I calm myself down, feeling the tension in my muscles slowly releasing.
“It’s been a shitty day, Ky. We should get some sleep before we both say or do something stupid. We’ll forget about all of this in the morning.”
MADISON
I saw the hurt in his eyes and I almost told him everything.
Almost.
But then...where the hell would I even start?
16
KY “KY.”
I feel something on my face and slap it away.
“Ky!”
Now my cheek’s being poked. I groan and grab Madison’s hand.
She laughs, trying to yank it from my hold.
Her smile’s the first thing I see when I open my eyes. “What?”
The smile turns to a pout.
“Don’t pout. It’s annoying,” I lie.
Her face falls. “I’m annoying?” She reaches up with her free hand to poke my face again.
I push her hand away. “Yes, you’re annoying.”
She pouts again.
I roll my eyes.
“I just wanted to feel how deep your dimples are,” she murmurs. “Are you still mad at me?”
“No. I’m mad at myself because I should be mad at you, but I can’t be. And I’m frustrated because I want to kiss you so bad right now, but you don’t deserve it.”
“Ky?”
“Mm?”
She leans over me. Her gaze flicks between my lips to my eyes, and back again. Then she smiles, moves down, and presses her lips to mine.
“You’re evil,” I tell her.
She doesn’t skip a beat, just kisses me again. Once. Twice. And by the third time, I’ve already given in to her.
She pulls away, leaving me craving more. “Another one,” I ask.
“With pleasure.” She laughs.
***
Once we’ve finished eating breakfast and she’s cleaned up after us, she grabs the frame she bought yesterday and sits on the couch next to me. Making sure not to hurt me, she leans into me and rests her hand on my chest. “What do you think their story is?” she asks.
I look at the picture in the frame. This couple’s younger than the last. They’re on the dock at a lake. The girl’s sitting across the guy’s lap, and they’re holding each other, smiling, like the world’s never shown them an ounce of tragedy or regret.
I laugh once. “High school sweethearts. For sure.”
I can see her watching me from the corner of my eye, but I keep my gaze on the picture.
“You think?” she asks.
“Yeah. You can see it in their smiles. Reality hasn’t kicked their ass yet.”
She shifts beside me “She looks like Ashlee.”
My eyes snap to hers. “How do you—”
She moves back and away from me. Then stutters, “I—I was on—on your iPad yesterday and I clicked on this blue thing with the letter F—”
I raised my voice. “You went on my Facebook?”
She shrugs. “I guess that could be it.”
“Why the hell would you do that?”
“I—I didn’t know what it was. I just clicked it.”
“So you decided to go through my shit?”
She ignores my question. “There are pictures of you together...”
“Yeah. From five or six years ago. Did you see that? And it doesn’t matter, because that shit’s personal, Maddy. You shouldn’t be going—”
“I didn’t know what it was!”
“No, I mean my squad brothers. They all had different reasons for enlisting. My buddy Hunter—he lost his dad in 9/11. Montoya—he enlisted to honor his family. Generations of men in his family were soldiers. You’d think that the pressure would suck—but he didn’t hate it like I probably would have. He was proud. I mean, they were all proud to be there, you know? Me?” I swallow the lump in my throat. “I was there because I felt sorry for myself. Because I wanted to run away from reality—a reality that wasn’t all that bad—not compared to war.”
“Do you regret it though?”
“Not for a second,” I say quickly. “Do I regret my reason for joining? Yes. But I wouldn’t take it back.”
“Is that part of the reason you won’t see Christine?”
I inhale a sharp breath, ignoring the discomfort in my ribs. “She didn’t know I was going, Maddy. I never told her or Jax. I packed my shit in the middle of the night and left them a note.” A bitter laugh bubbles out of me. “A stupid note. Like it would make up for my actions. Truthfully—I’m too embarrassed to face her.”
“You think she’d still care about that? I’m sure she’d just want to see you—know that you’re alive and well.”
“Maybe,” I tell her. “But that doesn’t take away the shame.”
She smiles sadly before getting under the covers and resting her head on my shoulder. “Ky?”
“Yeah?”
She stays quiet a beat before whispering, “Do you think you’ll go back? Re-deploy?”
I let my thoughts gather into words, and then I tell her the truth. “That used to be my plan. I didn’t think there was anything here worth staying for.”
“And now?”
I tilt her head up and kiss her once, letting my lips linger. “And now I have you.”
“You have me,” she repeats, smiling against my lips. She pulls away. “Will you tell me about her?”
“Who?”
“Christine.”
I stare up at the ceiling—memories of Christine filling my mind. “She’s badass.”
She chuckles. “Badass?”
“Yeah. She grew up on this farm—was raised by her dad. She kind of reminds me of you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. She’s super sweet. Seems super innocent. Bakes cookies and crafts and stuff, but then she has this badass side to her. Like, she knows how to carry a gun and isn’t afraid to use it.”
“I hate guns,” she says quickly.
I jerk my head up—surprised by her words. “You hate guns? Why?”
She rears back, eyes wide, like she regrets spilling that tiny piece of her. “Nothing. Never mind.”
I sigh, dropping my head back on the pillow. “You do that a lot, you know.”
“Do what?”
“You avoid talking about anything related to you. You do it all the time. Or you change the subject. Don’t think I don’t notice.”
She turns to her side, facing away from me. “Good night, Ky.”
“Really? Are you going to ignore me?
She starts to shuffle out of bed. “I’m going home.”
“No.” I ignore the shooting pain and reach over to her, bringing her back down. “Just stay. Forget I said anything.”
She turns around, her eyes on mine. The pleading look on my face must be enough reason to get her back in bed. “We both have secrets, Ky,” she says, rolling onto her back.
“What are you talking about?” I ask. “You ask a million questions and I answer all of them.”
She sighs loudly, resting her head back on my shoulder.
I calm myself down, feeling the tension in my muscles slowly releasing.
“It’s been a shitty day, Ky. We should get some sleep before we both say or do something stupid. We’ll forget about all of this in the morning.”
MADISON
I saw the hurt in his eyes and I almost told him everything.
Almost.
But then...where the hell would I even start?
16
KY “KY.”
I feel something on my face and slap it away.
“Ky!”
Now my cheek’s being poked. I groan and grab Madison’s hand.
She laughs, trying to yank it from my hold.
Her smile’s the first thing I see when I open my eyes. “What?”
The smile turns to a pout.
“Don’t pout. It’s annoying,” I lie.
Her face falls. “I’m annoying?” She reaches up with her free hand to poke my face again.
I push her hand away. “Yes, you’re annoying.”
She pouts again.
I roll my eyes.
“I just wanted to feel how deep your dimples are,” she murmurs. “Are you still mad at me?”
“No. I’m mad at myself because I should be mad at you, but I can’t be. And I’m frustrated because I want to kiss you so bad right now, but you don’t deserve it.”
“Ky?”
“Mm?”
She leans over me. Her gaze flicks between my lips to my eyes, and back again. Then she smiles, moves down, and presses her lips to mine.
“You’re evil,” I tell her.
She doesn’t skip a beat, just kisses me again. Once. Twice. And by the third time, I’ve already given in to her.
She pulls away, leaving me craving more. “Another one,” I ask.
“With pleasure.” She laughs.
***
Once we’ve finished eating breakfast and she’s cleaned up after us, she grabs the frame she bought yesterday and sits on the couch next to me. Making sure not to hurt me, she leans into me and rests her hand on my chest. “What do you think their story is?” she asks.
I look at the picture in the frame. This couple’s younger than the last. They’re on the dock at a lake. The girl’s sitting across the guy’s lap, and they’re holding each other, smiling, like the world’s never shown them an ounce of tragedy or regret.
I laugh once. “High school sweethearts. For sure.”
I can see her watching me from the corner of my eye, but I keep my gaze on the picture.
“You think?” she asks.
“Yeah. You can see it in their smiles. Reality hasn’t kicked their ass yet.”
She shifts beside me “She looks like Ashlee.”
My eyes snap to hers. “How do you—”
She moves back and away from me. Then stutters, “I—I was on—on your iPad yesterday and I clicked on this blue thing with the letter F—”
I raised my voice. “You went on my Facebook?”
She shrugs. “I guess that could be it.”
“Why the hell would you do that?”
“I—I didn’t know what it was. I just clicked it.”
“So you decided to go through my shit?”
She ignores my question. “There are pictures of you together...”
“Yeah. From five or six years ago. Did you see that? And it doesn’t matter, because that shit’s personal, Maddy. You shouldn’t be going—”
“I didn’t know what it was!”
