“Like you and Jeff?” I whisper.
“Better. Because you, more than anyone, knows how quickly life can change. You’ll know not to take it for granted. Every sense. Every step. Every breath, Ky. There’s so much of everything—”
“And all I have to do is exist,” I finish for her.
She laughs through her tears. “Yes, Ky. Exactly.”
“I love you, Ma.”
“I love you too, son.”
“I’ll come by soon, okay?”
“You bring that girl of yours with you.”
“Of course. It’s hard to be without her.”
I stare at my phone long after she’d hung up. Then I blow out a heavy breath—Christine’s words the final push I need to gain the courage.
I call Jackson.
“You okay?” he says in greeting.
“Yeah...” I settle my hand on my knee to stop it from bouncing uncontrollably. “Actually, no,” I finally admit.
“What’s going on? Are you hurt?”
“No, I’m fine,” I say quickly.
I hear him release what I assume is a relieved breath.
“But I did want to talk to you and I just want you to hear me out.”
“Okay?”
Rubbing my eyes, I curse under my breath.
“Just say it, Ky.”
“Remember how you said that if I ever wanted out—to say the word?”
“Yeah?”
“Word.”
Silence.
Followed by more silence.
I stand quickly, my head spinning from the sudden movement.
“Say something, Jax.”
“I’m coming over.”
***
Ten minutes later he shows up, loosening his tie as he walks through my door. “Where’s Madison?” he asks, searching for her.
“She’s working over at Debbie’s Flowers.”
“Beer?”
“Fridge. Aren’t you on duty?”
“Fuck it.”
I move to the kitchen and rest against the counter opposite him.
He pulls out a beer from the fridge and takes a swig, his eyes never leaving me. When he’s done, he swallows loudly and crosses his arms. “Is this about Madison? Does she know?”
“No! Of course not. I wouldn’t tell her.”
“So?”
I shrug.
He rubs his hand across his face, then places the beer on the counter. “You want to know why I became a cop?”
I nod.
“Because of you, Ky.”
“What?”
He nods slowly. “Yeah, because I wanted to find a way to protect kids in the same situation as you. I wanted to find a way to ruin the people that think it’s okay to beat on defenseless kids. I wanted to take them down. Destroy them.” He clears his throat before adding. “You were my best friend, Ky, and then you became my brother. Maybe you didn’t see it—or maybe I didn’t let it show—but your pain, your anguish, and your anger—I felt all of that.”
“Jax, it wasn’t your burden to carry.”
“You think you’d be saying that if it were the other way around?”
“No.”
He pushes off the counter and starts to pace. “You know at the start—I had this vendetta...child abusers, molesters, traffickers, I wanted to ruin them all. And I did—for a while...and it felt good, you know? I felt like I was making a difference. And I felt like...somehow—I was getting justice for you. Wherever the hell you were in the world—I felt like I was making you proud.”
I keep my head down so he won’t see the tears welling in my eyes.
He sniffs, then lets a chuckle escape him. “And then I don’t know...Maybe I lost my way. Maybe I felt like it wasn’t enough. So I started looking up the night Steve died—for you, Ky. Because I wanted that for you. That closure—or revenge—or whatever the fuck you want to call it. I became a detective so I could get closer to the case. So I could find the people responsible.”
I inhale deeply and finally face him. He’s still pacing, his head lowered. “Maybe it’s not important to you—and I get that—”
“Of course it’s important,” I cut in. “But will it change anything? No. No one put a gun to Steve’s head and made him take it.”
Jax stops in his tracks, his eyes snapping to mine.
“Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate what you did—what you do—who you are...” My shoulders slump with my sigh. “I just need to move on, Jax. And maybe you do, too. I need to stop living there—in the past—holding on to the same guilt and regret I’ve felt for the past five years. I want to move forward.”
“So you’re done?”
I shake my head. “I’ll fight tomorrow. See what I can find out on the actual night you think the handover will happen. If I find anything and it actually leads to something then no, I won’t be done. I just need to know there’s an end in sight. I can’t do this forever. It’s not fair on me or—” I break off.
“Madison?” he asks, eyebrows raised.
I nod.
“I don’t know what to say, Ky.”
“You’re mad?”
“No.”
“Disappointed?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
“I’m kind of in shock.”
“What?”
The front door opens and Madison steps in. Neither of us greet her—too busy focused on each other. She comes up next to me and kisses my cheek. “Hey babe.”
“Hey,” I reply, finally switching my attention to her. “How was work?”
She glances at Jackson quickly. “It was good. Did I interrupt something?”
“No,” Jax says, backing away from us. “Did I hear it’s your birthday soon, Maddy?”
She shakes her head, her eyes narrowed as she looks between us. “No. Not until April.”
“Oh yeah?” Jax asks. “Sixteenth, right?”
“No. Twenty-third.” She looks back at me. “Why?”
Jackson fakes a laugh—though Madison wouldn’t know it’s fake. “Ky was trying to organize a trip as a surprise. He said he didn’t know—thought I’d save him the embarrassment of asking you. I’ll let myself out. You guys have a good night.”
“A trip?” Madison says once Jackson had left. “Where to?”
Shit. I better start planning. “Surprise, remember?”
26
KY I TWIST A strand of her hair that’s lying over my chest while we lay in bed.
“So I have something I need to do tomorrow night,” I say, trying to be as casual as possible.
“Oh yeah? Where are we going?”
“Yeah. About that...you can’t come.”
She tilts her head and looks up at me—eyebrows drawn. “Why not?” It’s not accusatory, just curiosity—which is exactly what I was hoping for.
“You know all that training I’ve been doing?”
“Yeah?”
“So...don’t get mad, but I’m fighting tomorrow. Like, in an organized event.”
“Better. Because you, more than anyone, knows how quickly life can change. You’ll know not to take it for granted. Every sense. Every step. Every breath, Ky. There’s so much of everything—”
“And all I have to do is exist,” I finish for her.
She laughs through her tears. “Yes, Ky. Exactly.”
“I love you, Ma.”
“I love you too, son.”
“I’ll come by soon, okay?”
“You bring that girl of yours with you.”
“Of course. It’s hard to be without her.”
I stare at my phone long after she’d hung up. Then I blow out a heavy breath—Christine’s words the final push I need to gain the courage.
I call Jackson.
“You okay?” he says in greeting.
“Yeah...” I settle my hand on my knee to stop it from bouncing uncontrollably. “Actually, no,” I finally admit.
“What’s going on? Are you hurt?”
“No, I’m fine,” I say quickly.
I hear him release what I assume is a relieved breath.
“But I did want to talk to you and I just want you to hear me out.”
“Okay?”
Rubbing my eyes, I curse under my breath.
“Just say it, Ky.”
“Remember how you said that if I ever wanted out—to say the word?”
“Yeah?”
“Word.”
Silence.
Followed by more silence.
I stand quickly, my head spinning from the sudden movement.
“Say something, Jax.”
“I’m coming over.”
***
Ten minutes later he shows up, loosening his tie as he walks through my door. “Where’s Madison?” he asks, searching for her.
“She’s working over at Debbie’s Flowers.”
“Beer?”
“Fridge. Aren’t you on duty?”
“Fuck it.”
I move to the kitchen and rest against the counter opposite him.
He pulls out a beer from the fridge and takes a swig, his eyes never leaving me. When he’s done, he swallows loudly and crosses his arms. “Is this about Madison? Does she know?”
“No! Of course not. I wouldn’t tell her.”
“So?”
I shrug.
He rubs his hand across his face, then places the beer on the counter. “You want to know why I became a cop?”
I nod.
“Because of you, Ky.”
“What?”
He nods slowly. “Yeah, because I wanted to find a way to protect kids in the same situation as you. I wanted to find a way to ruin the people that think it’s okay to beat on defenseless kids. I wanted to take them down. Destroy them.” He clears his throat before adding. “You were my best friend, Ky, and then you became my brother. Maybe you didn’t see it—or maybe I didn’t let it show—but your pain, your anguish, and your anger—I felt all of that.”
“Jax, it wasn’t your burden to carry.”
“You think you’d be saying that if it were the other way around?”
“No.”
He pushes off the counter and starts to pace. “You know at the start—I had this vendetta...child abusers, molesters, traffickers, I wanted to ruin them all. And I did—for a while...and it felt good, you know? I felt like I was making a difference. And I felt like...somehow—I was getting justice for you. Wherever the hell you were in the world—I felt like I was making you proud.”
I keep my head down so he won’t see the tears welling in my eyes.
He sniffs, then lets a chuckle escape him. “And then I don’t know...Maybe I lost my way. Maybe I felt like it wasn’t enough. So I started looking up the night Steve died—for you, Ky. Because I wanted that for you. That closure—or revenge—or whatever the fuck you want to call it. I became a detective so I could get closer to the case. So I could find the people responsible.”
I inhale deeply and finally face him. He’s still pacing, his head lowered. “Maybe it’s not important to you—and I get that—”
“Of course it’s important,” I cut in. “But will it change anything? No. No one put a gun to Steve’s head and made him take it.”
Jax stops in his tracks, his eyes snapping to mine.
“Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate what you did—what you do—who you are...” My shoulders slump with my sigh. “I just need to move on, Jax. And maybe you do, too. I need to stop living there—in the past—holding on to the same guilt and regret I’ve felt for the past five years. I want to move forward.”
“So you’re done?”
I shake my head. “I’ll fight tomorrow. See what I can find out on the actual night you think the handover will happen. If I find anything and it actually leads to something then no, I won’t be done. I just need to know there’s an end in sight. I can’t do this forever. It’s not fair on me or—” I break off.
“Madison?” he asks, eyebrows raised.
I nod.
“I don’t know what to say, Ky.”
“You’re mad?”
“No.”
“Disappointed?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
“I’m kind of in shock.”
“What?”
The front door opens and Madison steps in. Neither of us greet her—too busy focused on each other. She comes up next to me and kisses my cheek. “Hey babe.”
“Hey,” I reply, finally switching my attention to her. “How was work?”
She glances at Jackson quickly. “It was good. Did I interrupt something?”
“No,” Jax says, backing away from us. “Did I hear it’s your birthday soon, Maddy?”
She shakes her head, her eyes narrowed as she looks between us. “No. Not until April.”
“Oh yeah?” Jax asks. “Sixteenth, right?”
“No. Twenty-third.” She looks back at me. “Why?”
Jackson fakes a laugh—though Madison wouldn’t know it’s fake. “Ky was trying to organize a trip as a surprise. He said he didn’t know—thought I’d save him the embarrassment of asking you. I’ll let myself out. You guys have a good night.”
“A trip?” Madison says once Jackson had left. “Where to?”
Shit. I better start planning. “Surprise, remember?”
26
KY I TWIST A strand of her hair that’s lying over my chest while we lay in bed.
“So I have something I need to do tomorrow night,” I say, trying to be as casual as possible.
“Oh yeah? Where are we going?”
“Yeah. About that...you can’t come.”
She tilts her head and looks up at me—eyebrows drawn. “Why not?” It’s not accusatory, just curiosity—which is exactly what I was hoping for.
“You know all that training I’ve been doing?”
“Yeah?”
“So...don’t get mad, but I’m fighting tomorrow. Like, in an organized event.”
