He just smiles.
“James, please, you’re scaring me.”
And then he pulls me into an embrace. His mouth drifts to my neck and his hot breath is enough to cause prickles to stream down my spine. “Nothing is wrong. Nothing at all. I just… I just don’t want you to think I’m only here for that. I brought you up here to talk, that’s all. In private,” he adds quickly when he realizes my confusion. “Nothing bad.”
I’m not sure I believe him. Sex, that seems to be our new normal. It’s very obvious he’s been using it to get what he wants. To control things and keep me off balance so I’m more compliant. But talking?
“Why are you so nervous?” he says, cupping my face in that way that allows his thumbs to caress my jaw.
I let out a long sigh. “I’m just not sure any words we say will be very comforting.”
He leads me over to the balcony and opens the slider so we can step out onto the terrace. The ocean hits me immediately, and it’s breezy today, so even though it’s probably not possible, I feel the sea on my skin.
I inhale deeply and then realize James is watching me. I smile, a little bit more at ease with all these familiar scents and feelings. “What?”
He shakes his head and stares. “You’re so pretty.”
Pretty.
It’s such a simple word.
Pretty.
It’s something kids say.
And yet it says so much more than gorgeous or beautiful or hot or sexy. It’s the implied simplicity of the word that make my heart swell around the echo of his voice in my head. “I wish we were Six again.”
He nods at me. “Yeah, a do-over. I wish we could have a do-over. But you know what I’d do different?”
Tears are suddenly running down my face. I wipe them away and swallow down whatever this new emotion is and answer him. “What?”
He closes the distance between us with one step, but that step changes everything in my eyes. That step makes me his. And when his arms come around me, the way they have so many other times, that changes things for me too.
“Why are you crying?” he asks me softly. “Don’t you want to know how I’d do it over?”
I smile a little and wipe my face. “I do, I want to know. I’m sorry, I just feel so sad all of a sudden. Like something is going to go wrong at any moment.”
“Hey,” he says, lifting my chin up so I have to look him in the eyes. “Nothing is gonna go wrong, OK? I’ve got it all under control.”
“All what?” I say, trying to stop the tears. “What needs to be under control?” My heart is racing so bad, I might faint. I reach out for the glass railing of the terrace, but then James has a hold of me. He leads me over to a chaise longue, sits down, and then pulls on me until I sit in front of him and rest back against his chest.
“You’re getting all worked up now, Harp. Stop. I brought you up here to tell you about my do-over. So just relax and enjoy the story.”
I take a deep breath to calm myself down. I realize this is an overreaction, but as usual, I’m helpless to stop it. “I need those pills,” I say more to myself than James.
“Harper,” he says sternly. Stern enough to make me jump a little. “I do not want to hear about those f**king pills again. I’m not f**king around, either. You are not to take them, do you understand me?”
“I don’t even have any, so it’s not like I could.”
“Do you understand me?”
“Yes,” I reply back. I turn around enough to see his face and he’s genuinely angry. “Sorry, it was a joke. Just a stupid throwaway comment. That’s all.”
“He controls you with those pills, Harper.”
“Who?”
“Your father, who else? He’s the one who had them prescribed for you. He’s the one who encouraged them.”
“To control the panic attacks, and he’s not even around, so just drop it.”
“Promise me—”
“I promise, Jesus. Just tell me your do-over.” I cross my arms, angry at my mood swings. And his. We are all over the place today.
“Sorry,” he says with a kiss to my head. “Sorry, I just know how hard it was to wean you off them, so I don’t want you falling back on old habits.”
“When would I even have the chance?”
“OK, fine. Are you ready?”
I turn so I’m lying sideways on his chest and then I close my eyes and enjoy his scent. His strong arms around me. His gentle caress up and down my arm. “You’d come see me that day we turned Six and you’d say yes to my father’s offer.” I chuckle a little as I look up at him. And then stop. Because he’s frowning at me.
“No, Harper. I can’t say yes to that dirty offer. That was the only good thing I’ve ever done in my life. You had a good childhood, right?”
“I did,” I admit.
“So taking you away back then would ruin you. All that you are today, all the things I love about you, both good and bad, are all because of those twelve years we were apart.”
“Then how is that a do-over?” I ask, confused. Everything today is so confusing.
“It’s a do-over because I’d do it all over again.” My tears are back again. He presses his face into my neck and hugs me tight. “I love you for who you are. I love you right now, everything about you. I want you the way you are. I wouldn’t change a thing, Lionfish. Not a damn thing. I love the way I met you. I love that stupid ballerina bathing suit you were wearing. I love that you were trying to bury me with a pail and a shovel and you drew me your secret in the sand—”
“You knew?”
“No, baby. I didn’t know until you told me your name under the pier. It took me twelve years to figure that out.” He laughs. “But I want you to know, I thought about you every night. No matter where I was in the world. No matter what I was doing. And even though I had to tell your father no, my answer was always yes.” He turns my head and kisses me gently on the lips. “My answer was always yes. You are mine, Harper. And you have always been mine. And if I tell you to walk through fire?”
“I’m fireproof,” I whisper back.
“Do you believe me?”
I shake my head no. “I’m not fireproof. I’m a sad mess.”
“James, please, you’re scaring me.”
And then he pulls me into an embrace. His mouth drifts to my neck and his hot breath is enough to cause prickles to stream down my spine. “Nothing is wrong. Nothing at all. I just… I just don’t want you to think I’m only here for that. I brought you up here to talk, that’s all. In private,” he adds quickly when he realizes my confusion. “Nothing bad.”
I’m not sure I believe him. Sex, that seems to be our new normal. It’s very obvious he’s been using it to get what he wants. To control things and keep me off balance so I’m more compliant. But talking?
“Why are you so nervous?” he says, cupping my face in that way that allows his thumbs to caress my jaw.
I let out a long sigh. “I’m just not sure any words we say will be very comforting.”
He leads me over to the balcony and opens the slider so we can step out onto the terrace. The ocean hits me immediately, and it’s breezy today, so even though it’s probably not possible, I feel the sea on my skin.
I inhale deeply and then realize James is watching me. I smile, a little bit more at ease with all these familiar scents and feelings. “What?”
He shakes his head and stares. “You’re so pretty.”
Pretty.
It’s such a simple word.
Pretty.
It’s something kids say.
And yet it says so much more than gorgeous or beautiful or hot or sexy. It’s the implied simplicity of the word that make my heart swell around the echo of his voice in my head. “I wish we were Six again.”
He nods at me. “Yeah, a do-over. I wish we could have a do-over. But you know what I’d do different?”
Tears are suddenly running down my face. I wipe them away and swallow down whatever this new emotion is and answer him. “What?”
He closes the distance between us with one step, but that step changes everything in my eyes. That step makes me his. And when his arms come around me, the way they have so many other times, that changes things for me too.
“Why are you crying?” he asks me softly. “Don’t you want to know how I’d do it over?”
I smile a little and wipe my face. “I do, I want to know. I’m sorry, I just feel so sad all of a sudden. Like something is going to go wrong at any moment.”
“Hey,” he says, lifting my chin up so I have to look him in the eyes. “Nothing is gonna go wrong, OK? I’ve got it all under control.”
“All what?” I say, trying to stop the tears. “What needs to be under control?” My heart is racing so bad, I might faint. I reach out for the glass railing of the terrace, but then James has a hold of me. He leads me over to a chaise longue, sits down, and then pulls on me until I sit in front of him and rest back against his chest.
“You’re getting all worked up now, Harp. Stop. I brought you up here to tell you about my do-over. So just relax and enjoy the story.”
I take a deep breath to calm myself down. I realize this is an overreaction, but as usual, I’m helpless to stop it. “I need those pills,” I say more to myself than James.
“Harper,” he says sternly. Stern enough to make me jump a little. “I do not want to hear about those f**king pills again. I’m not f**king around, either. You are not to take them, do you understand me?”
“I don’t even have any, so it’s not like I could.”
“Do you understand me?”
“Yes,” I reply back. I turn around enough to see his face and he’s genuinely angry. “Sorry, it was a joke. Just a stupid throwaway comment. That’s all.”
“He controls you with those pills, Harper.”
“Who?”
“Your father, who else? He’s the one who had them prescribed for you. He’s the one who encouraged them.”
“To control the panic attacks, and he’s not even around, so just drop it.”
“Promise me—”
“I promise, Jesus. Just tell me your do-over.” I cross my arms, angry at my mood swings. And his. We are all over the place today.
“Sorry,” he says with a kiss to my head. “Sorry, I just know how hard it was to wean you off them, so I don’t want you falling back on old habits.”
“When would I even have the chance?”
“OK, fine. Are you ready?”
I turn so I’m lying sideways on his chest and then I close my eyes and enjoy his scent. His strong arms around me. His gentle caress up and down my arm. “You’d come see me that day we turned Six and you’d say yes to my father’s offer.” I chuckle a little as I look up at him. And then stop. Because he’s frowning at me.
“No, Harper. I can’t say yes to that dirty offer. That was the only good thing I’ve ever done in my life. You had a good childhood, right?”
“I did,” I admit.
“So taking you away back then would ruin you. All that you are today, all the things I love about you, both good and bad, are all because of those twelve years we were apart.”
“Then how is that a do-over?” I ask, confused. Everything today is so confusing.
“It’s a do-over because I’d do it all over again.” My tears are back again. He presses his face into my neck and hugs me tight. “I love you for who you are. I love you right now, everything about you. I want you the way you are. I wouldn’t change a thing, Lionfish. Not a damn thing. I love the way I met you. I love that stupid ballerina bathing suit you were wearing. I love that you were trying to bury me with a pail and a shovel and you drew me your secret in the sand—”
“You knew?”
“No, baby. I didn’t know until you told me your name under the pier. It took me twelve years to figure that out.” He laughs. “But I want you to know, I thought about you every night. No matter where I was in the world. No matter what I was doing. And even though I had to tell your father no, my answer was always yes.” He turns my head and kisses me gently on the lips. “My answer was always yes. You are mine, Harper. And you have always been mine. And if I tell you to walk through fire?”
“I’m fireproof,” I whisper back.
“Do you believe me?”
I shake my head no. “I’m not fireproof. I’m a sad mess.”
