Craving Redemption
Page 44
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Their visit also seemed to make him breathe a sigh of relief. He was worried about leaving me on my own, and I knew that it was causing him to lie awake at night while we both pretended we were sleeping. I wouldn’t have known the extent of his worry without witnessing his relief when it eased a little. He’d wanted to be sure that I had people in my corner when he left, and he’d set out to make sure that happened.
They were all rough around the edges, and no one I’d want to meet in a dark alley, but my association with Asa made them treat me as if I were one of them. After sizing me up for the first thirty minutes of their visit, they’d relaxed into a type of big brother mentality, teasing and joking with me as if they’d known me for years.
But none of them ever touched me. Not even to put a hand on my shoulder or to brush past me on their way to the kitchen.
It was almost blissful, those last couple of days, and I could have lived that way forever.
But reality had a way of reaching out and pinching you—a sharp reminder to pay attention.
I woke up Monday morning to Asa tracing his fingers over my back, running them down to where my sleep shorts rested on my hips and back up to the nape of my neck. I lay there for a minute, dreading the day, and pretending to sleep. I didn’t want him to leave.
He didn’t let me play possum for long, though, and as he rasped that he knew I was awake, he tilted his head and bit the side of my neck. It instantly made my blood run faster in my veins and I tried to roll over to face him, but instead he wrapped his arm around my hips and pulled me in against him so we were spooning.
“Don’t wanna get outta this bed,” he grumbled into my neck, his hand sliding up my torso until he was holding one breast in his palm. “Don’t wanna leave you.”
He continued to run his hands over my body as I bit my tongue so I didn’t beg him to stay. I’d tried to get him to move in with me permanently, but the conversation hadn’t ended well and I hadn’t brought it up again. He was loyal to the men in Eugene and couldn’t imagine moving away from them—and he got pissed whenever I’d mentioned it. Also, I was trying to be less needy. I didn’t want him changing his mind about me because I didn’t get my shit together, so instead, I hid it.
I hid the fact that I wanted him near me every second, I hid that leaving the house alone still terrified me, and I hid the fact that I was afraid the minute he left, I’d finally break into a million pieces.
Everything was hidden.
I arched into his hands as he started grinding against me, his arm under my head curving down to fondle a breast. The other hand slipped beneath my sleep shorts and I jolted as he went directly to my clit, plucking and rubbing it.
“You’re mine, yeah?” he whispered into my ear as he played my body. “Not gonna let any of those pimple-faced high school boys in here, are you?”
He didn’t seem to need an answer, because he just continued on—staking his claim and making my body sing as he whispered reassuring and dirty words in my ear.
By the time we were finished, his alarm had already sounded and we didn’t have time to cuddle in bed like we usually did. He had to hit the road, and I had to get ready for my first day of school.
God, I didn’t know how I’d ever be able to go back inside a high school again. I felt so much older than everyone there, the thought of gossiping and dances made me curl my lip in disgust. I knew, though, if I wanted to be able to support myself I had to at least get my diploma.
I wished that I didn’t have to start school that day. I needed a day to get myself together when he left, but I think that leaving on the day I started school was his plan from the beginning. He was hoping it would give me something new to focus on, a specific reason to get out of the house instead of wallowing in our bed.
He stayed with me as long as he could, but by the time I was ready for school, I could tell he was anxious to get going. We left the apartment quietly, both lost in our own thoughts, but I’d barely reached my car before he was in my face, kissing me hard.
My back was against the cool driver’s window, his hips snug against mine, when he spoke.
“You’re gonna have a good day, Sugar. Meet a bunch of new people, get outta the house for a while, learn some shit. I know you’re nervous, but there ain’t nothing for you to be worried about, okay?” he told me gently, rubbing his thumb across my cheek.
I couldn’t understand why he was talking to me about school. Who cared about that? He was leaving me there all alone, and I’d already started to miss him as I looked into his warm brown eyes. School was an afterthought. An annoyance.
“Be careful, okay? Call me when you stop. I’m sure I’ll be bored as shit all day,” I told him with a small smile, the best I could do under the circumstances. I didn’t want to make him think that I couldn’t do it without him. I had to pretend.
“Yeah, I’ll text you. Doubt they’ll let ya answer your phone in class.” He leaned down to kiss me again. “I’m gonna follow you to school and then I’ll take off. Call me when you get home—doubt I’ll pick up, but I wanna know you got home safe.”
“Got it,” I assured him, standing up straighter and pulling back my shoulders. “You better get going or I’ll be late. Not the impression I want to give on my first day.”
He nodded once before taking my mouth again in a wet kiss and then pulled away. When he climbed on his bike, I had to dig the fingernails on my left hand into my palm to keep myself from calling out to him that I needed one more minute. Just one more.
They were all rough around the edges, and no one I’d want to meet in a dark alley, but my association with Asa made them treat me as if I were one of them. After sizing me up for the first thirty minutes of their visit, they’d relaxed into a type of big brother mentality, teasing and joking with me as if they’d known me for years.
But none of them ever touched me. Not even to put a hand on my shoulder or to brush past me on their way to the kitchen.
It was almost blissful, those last couple of days, and I could have lived that way forever.
But reality had a way of reaching out and pinching you—a sharp reminder to pay attention.
I woke up Monday morning to Asa tracing his fingers over my back, running them down to where my sleep shorts rested on my hips and back up to the nape of my neck. I lay there for a minute, dreading the day, and pretending to sleep. I didn’t want him to leave.
He didn’t let me play possum for long, though, and as he rasped that he knew I was awake, he tilted his head and bit the side of my neck. It instantly made my blood run faster in my veins and I tried to roll over to face him, but instead he wrapped his arm around my hips and pulled me in against him so we were spooning.
“Don’t wanna get outta this bed,” he grumbled into my neck, his hand sliding up my torso until he was holding one breast in his palm. “Don’t wanna leave you.”
He continued to run his hands over my body as I bit my tongue so I didn’t beg him to stay. I’d tried to get him to move in with me permanently, but the conversation hadn’t ended well and I hadn’t brought it up again. He was loyal to the men in Eugene and couldn’t imagine moving away from them—and he got pissed whenever I’d mentioned it. Also, I was trying to be less needy. I didn’t want him changing his mind about me because I didn’t get my shit together, so instead, I hid it.
I hid the fact that I wanted him near me every second, I hid that leaving the house alone still terrified me, and I hid the fact that I was afraid the minute he left, I’d finally break into a million pieces.
Everything was hidden.
I arched into his hands as he started grinding against me, his arm under my head curving down to fondle a breast. The other hand slipped beneath my sleep shorts and I jolted as he went directly to my clit, plucking and rubbing it.
“You’re mine, yeah?” he whispered into my ear as he played my body. “Not gonna let any of those pimple-faced high school boys in here, are you?”
He didn’t seem to need an answer, because he just continued on—staking his claim and making my body sing as he whispered reassuring and dirty words in my ear.
By the time we were finished, his alarm had already sounded and we didn’t have time to cuddle in bed like we usually did. He had to hit the road, and I had to get ready for my first day of school.
God, I didn’t know how I’d ever be able to go back inside a high school again. I felt so much older than everyone there, the thought of gossiping and dances made me curl my lip in disgust. I knew, though, if I wanted to be able to support myself I had to at least get my diploma.
I wished that I didn’t have to start school that day. I needed a day to get myself together when he left, but I think that leaving on the day I started school was his plan from the beginning. He was hoping it would give me something new to focus on, a specific reason to get out of the house instead of wallowing in our bed.
He stayed with me as long as he could, but by the time I was ready for school, I could tell he was anxious to get going. We left the apartment quietly, both lost in our own thoughts, but I’d barely reached my car before he was in my face, kissing me hard.
My back was against the cool driver’s window, his hips snug against mine, when he spoke.
“You’re gonna have a good day, Sugar. Meet a bunch of new people, get outta the house for a while, learn some shit. I know you’re nervous, but there ain’t nothing for you to be worried about, okay?” he told me gently, rubbing his thumb across my cheek.
I couldn’t understand why he was talking to me about school. Who cared about that? He was leaving me there all alone, and I’d already started to miss him as I looked into his warm brown eyes. School was an afterthought. An annoyance.
“Be careful, okay? Call me when you stop. I’m sure I’ll be bored as shit all day,” I told him with a small smile, the best I could do under the circumstances. I didn’t want to make him think that I couldn’t do it without him. I had to pretend.
“Yeah, I’ll text you. Doubt they’ll let ya answer your phone in class.” He leaned down to kiss me again. “I’m gonna follow you to school and then I’ll take off. Call me when you get home—doubt I’ll pick up, but I wanna know you got home safe.”
“Got it,” I assured him, standing up straighter and pulling back my shoulders. “You better get going or I’ll be late. Not the impression I want to give on my first day.”
He nodded once before taking my mouth again in a wet kiss and then pulled away. When he climbed on his bike, I had to dig the fingernails on my left hand into my palm to keep myself from calling out to him that I needed one more minute. Just one more.
