Craving Redemption
Page 93
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I was not only afraid it was true, I was also afraid that if I asked him directly and someone was listening in, I’d get him into even more trouble. There were certain things that I knew he kept from me—things about what he did for the Aces. I wasn’t sure if he couldn’t tell me, or just chose to keep them a secret in some misguided attempt to shelter me, and honestly I’d never cared before. I’d deliberately chosen to ignore that part of his life that didn’t pertain to me directly, as I did with most everything else in my life.
Was it self-centered? Probably, but I couldn’t stop it. I’d been protecting myself for so long at that point that it was second nature for me to take things at face value and refuse to question them. I should’ve learned with Farrah that I needed to be more aware of the things happening in my peripheral, but I hadn’t. And now, once again, the fact that I’d turned a blind eye was coming back to haunt me.
I got dressed and headed to Gram’s slowly, loathe to answer the questions I knew she and Farrah would have. They were curious and worried, just like I was, and I knew I’d have to give a full accounting of what Asa’d said. I was still trying to convince myself that Cody had been wrong, and something else was going on, when I walked in Gram’s front door.
“Hey, chickie!” Farrah called from the kitchen as I strolled in. She was helping Gram make dinner, and it gave me a warm feeling when I thought about how close they’d become. Farrah had basically grown up without any parents, taking care of herself from a young age, and it was beautiful to see how she soaked up Gram’s presence.
Gram had stepped in, with little fanfare, and treated Farrah the same way she did Cody and me—loving with a touch of guilt when needed.
“Hey,” I answered back, watching Farrah closely. “I talked to Asa.”
“Yeah, Cody told us,” she answered tentatively, turning from the stove to look at me.
“He said Slider told him to bring you his love.”
“Yeah, right!” she scoffed, turning away again.
For some reason, those words confirmed to me what I had refused to believe, and a small flame of resentment started deep in my chest.
Slider had asked Asa to bring something entirely different to California.
Chapter 63
Grease
I was having a shitty week.
First, I got pulled over and arrested, then the club’s lawyer told me the DA smelled blood in the water and it looked like the judge was going to make an example out of me, and finally, something was up with Callie. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but when she’d called me back Friday night, she’d seemed off.
I wasn’t sure if she’d fully understood what I was telling her when we’d spoken, but she didn’t ask again to visit. I was pissed at myself that I’d told her no, because I missed her like hell, but I knew that the drive would be horrible for her and I wasn’t good company anyway. I was on the fucking chopping block, waiting for the blade. The wait was worse than the punishment because I fucking knew I was going to see the inside of a cell again, and not knowing how long I’d be in was driving me insane.
We had a fucking baby on the way. A son. And I was pretty sure I was going to miss the first part of his life. There was a slim chance that I’d be out in four months, but I wouldn’t even let myself think that it would be a possibility. No, I’d be locked up and probably miss a ton of shit.
It made me sick to think of Callie going through all that alone. I knew that her Gram would be with her every step of the way, but I wouldn’t. I wasn’t going to get to see her waddling around and complaining about how her back hurt.
I was going to miss the excitement of her water breaking, of the contractions that would make her hate me, and the relief on her face when some doctor finally gave her the drugs she needed to take the edge off. I was going to miss her sweaty hair and tired face, and the way I knew she’d look at me—like I could make everything better.
I was going to miss the look on her face when she saw our son for the first time.
It hurt like hell.
I’d spent the week getting my shit in order. I made sure that someone would deposit money into my account periodically, checked and rechecked with Poet and Slider to make sure they’d keep an eye on Callie, and paid all of Callie’s bills six months in advance so she wouldn’t have to worry. I didn’t want to leave anything to chance; I didn’t want anything to worry her when I couldn’t be there.
I’d also called my girl constantly that week. I had nothing to do while we waited, so I spent the time with her. Well, as much as I could with her being hundreds of miles away. We were spending more time on the phone than we ever had, discussing everything from politics to baby names. We even discussed what would happen while I was inside—how she’d need to deal with the accounts, how to shut off my cell phone once I didn’t need it, the boys in Sacramento she could call if she was having car trouble. We talked about everything except whatever was bothering her and had her going silent for full minutes at a time while I wondered what the fuck was wrong. It went past the ache we were both feeling at the thought of being separated. Something was happening with her and I had no clue what it was or how to fucking fix it.
I was stuck in Eugene, waiting for the inevitable, while something ate at her in Sacramento—and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
Over a week after I’d been released, it was time for my court date. I rode with the lawyer to the courthouse, but I didn’t have anyone else with me. The lawyer had told Slider that his and Poet’s notorious faces might hurt my chances and I didn’t even mention anything to Dragon or Tommy. I didn’t want them to see me looking like a chump, being cuffed by some fat fuck cop, so I was on my own. As soon as we arrived, the lawyer stepped out of the car so I could make one last phone call.
Was it self-centered? Probably, but I couldn’t stop it. I’d been protecting myself for so long at that point that it was second nature for me to take things at face value and refuse to question them. I should’ve learned with Farrah that I needed to be more aware of the things happening in my peripheral, but I hadn’t. And now, once again, the fact that I’d turned a blind eye was coming back to haunt me.
I got dressed and headed to Gram’s slowly, loathe to answer the questions I knew she and Farrah would have. They were curious and worried, just like I was, and I knew I’d have to give a full accounting of what Asa’d said. I was still trying to convince myself that Cody had been wrong, and something else was going on, when I walked in Gram’s front door.
“Hey, chickie!” Farrah called from the kitchen as I strolled in. She was helping Gram make dinner, and it gave me a warm feeling when I thought about how close they’d become. Farrah had basically grown up without any parents, taking care of herself from a young age, and it was beautiful to see how she soaked up Gram’s presence.
Gram had stepped in, with little fanfare, and treated Farrah the same way she did Cody and me—loving with a touch of guilt when needed.
“Hey,” I answered back, watching Farrah closely. “I talked to Asa.”
“Yeah, Cody told us,” she answered tentatively, turning from the stove to look at me.
“He said Slider told him to bring you his love.”
“Yeah, right!” she scoffed, turning away again.
For some reason, those words confirmed to me what I had refused to believe, and a small flame of resentment started deep in my chest.
Slider had asked Asa to bring something entirely different to California.
Chapter 63
Grease
I was having a shitty week.
First, I got pulled over and arrested, then the club’s lawyer told me the DA smelled blood in the water and it looked like the judge was going to make an example out of me, and finally, something was up with Callie. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but when she’d called me back Friday night, she’d seemed off.
I wasn’t sure if she’d fully understood what I was telling her when we’d spoken, but she didn’t ask again to visit. I was pissed at myself that I’d told her no, because I missed her like hell, but I knew that the drive would be horrible for her and I wasn’t good company anyway. I was on the fucking chopping block, waiting for the blade. The wait was worse than the punishment because I fucking knew I was going to see the inside of a cell again, and not knowing how long I’d be in was driving me insane.
We had a fucking baby on the way. A son. And I was pretty sure I was going to miss the first part of his life. There was a slim chance that I’d be out in four months, but I wouldn’t even let myself think that it would be a possibility. No, I’d be locked up and probably miss a ton of shit.
It made me sick to think of Callie going through all that alone. I knew that her Gram would be with her every step of the way, but I wouldn’t. I wasn’t going to get to see her waddling around and complaining about how her back hurt.
I was going to miss the excitement of her water breaking, of the contractions that would make her hate me, and the relief on her face when some doctor finally gave her the drugs she needed to take the edge off. I was going to miss her sweaty hair and tired face, and the way I knew she’d look at me—like I could make everything better.
I was going to miss the look on her face when she saw our son for the first time.
It hurt like hell.
I’d spent the week getting my shit in order. I made sure that someone would deposit money into my account periodically, checked and rechecked with Poet and Slider to make sure they’d keep an eye on Callie, and paid all of Callie’s bills six months in advance so she wouldn’t have to worry. I didn’t want to leave anything to chance; I didn’t want anything to worry her when I couldn’t be there.
I’d also called my girl constantly that week. I had nothing to do while we waited, so I spent the time with her. Well, as much as I could with her being hundreds of miles away. We were spending more time on the phone than we ever had, discussing everything from politics to baby names. We even discussed what would happen while I was inside—how she’d need to deal with the accounts, how to shut off my cell phone once I didn’t need it, the boys in Sacramento she could call if she was having car trouble. We talked about everything except whatever was bothering her and had her going silent for full minutes at a time while I wondered what the fuck was wrong. It went past the ache we were both feeling at the thought of being separated. Something was happening with her and I had no clue what it was or how to fucking fix it.
I was stuck in Eugene, waiting for the inevitable, while something ate at her in Sacramento—and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
Over a week after I’d been released, it was time for my court date. I rode with the lawyer to the courthouse, but I didn’t have anyone else with me. The lawyer had told Slider that his and Poet’s notorious faces might hurt my chances and I didn’t even mention anything to Dragon or Tommy. I didn’t want them to see me looking like a chump, being cuffed by some fat fuck cop, so I was on my own. As soon as we arrived, the lawyer stepped out of the car so I could make one last phone call.
