Damnable Grace
Page 62
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I screwed my eyes shut for a second, and AK pulled me further up his chest. “What?” he asked, searching my face, tone low.
“She was six when I told her I was her sister. Her blood. Her sister, AK . . .” I shook my head. “My soul died that day. Died when I could not tell her that she was mine, that I was her mother and she was loved more than I had known possible. She was the fabric of my soul. The very air I breathed.”
“And you earned those visits?” AK said tightly. His hold on me grew firmer.
“I fucked men, AK. I fucked my way through so many men to get to those visits. I fucked so well that I won rewards from the prophet for my recruitment record, medals. And they rewarded me with a much-coveted position—head Sacred Sister. I taught others; I led our missions. I was called upon to entice and impress the most important of Prophet David’s, and then Judah’s, visitors.” My chest tightened and a sob sailed from my throat. “But they made her a Sacred Sister too, AK. My baby, my little girl, they made her a Sacred Sister. They turned my daughter into a whore.” My chest ached. “I knew it was likely. The female David’s Babies were often put into the same circle as their mothers. The prophet deemed them worthy of being one because it was already in their blood. But it still hurt more than anything when I discovered she was in training.”
“Fuck.” AK pressed a kiss to my head. I reared back, refusing his kind touch. His eyebrows pulled down.
“No,” I said. “You do not understand.” He opened his mouth to speak, but I placed my finger over his lip to silence his words. “I believed in it all, AK. I believed that my sacrifice, no matter how hard it was to endure, was necessary because the prophet deemed it so. Even when Sapphira was made a Sacred Sister, I believed it was God’s way. Despite the pain it caused, the hardship to us both, I would never doubt the prophet. I truly believed he knew what was best.” I choked on those pathetic words. “I was stupid and naïve.” I sucked in a pained breath and let more tears fall. “I failed her in every way because of my blind faith. I failed Lilah, encouraging her to believe and rejoin the faith before she was punished.
“It was not until we all came to New Zion after Prophet Cain’s ascension, and things began to change, that the veil that had shrouded my eyes drew back and the truth of our so-called mission was revealed to me. It was all false . . . everything we did had been due to the ego of one man . . . and all those people perished because of it. . .”
AK placed his hands on my cheeks and lifted my head. “Sapphira . . . the suicide . . .?”
“She was not there,” I said and watched him relax. I thought back to Judah. “The only good thing Judah did when I was his consort was send her away. I begged him to stop her mission as a Sacred Sister. I said that if he loved me as he claimed, he would do this one thing for me. He would save her.” I exhaled, feeling some glimmer of comfort.
“He did as I requested and sent her away, sent her from a life of sexual servitude. She was thirteen at the time. She would be fourteen now. Judah informed me there was a smaller commune where the elderly or impaired were placed. Judah sent her there to work. It was abroad and far away from Texas.” My eyes fell. “I never even got to say goodbye to her, but I took comfort that she was away from New Zion, where I could see everything was falling around us.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “But my daughter is still out there in the world somewhere, without me.” I inhaled deeply. “Since you saved me from Meister, since you forced me to face my demons, I have been plagued with guilt and regret. I should have fought harder for her. I should have realized sooner that The Order was a veritable hell. But at least I am safe in the knowledge that she still lives. Others were not so fortunate. They watched their babies die alongside them. I heard no order from Judah demanding the elderly or infirm be killed, so I pray that she is safe.” I laid my hand on my heart. “I have to believe she is okay, that she breathes, or else I would cease to be. I would waste away.”
When I had confessed the last of my sins, a heady kind of numbness took hold of me. AK was watching me carefully, and I almost wept when I saw no censure in his gaze, no judgment. His hand was shaking when it threaded through my hand.
That small gesture of comfort allowed me to breathe. It allowed the tightness in my chest to relax and find some morsel of peace in this mess.
“You weren’t to blame, Red,” he said, his voice low, deep, but best of all, sincere. “You were a fucking kid. You were a kid who had a kid, and those fuckers took her off you, giving you some bullshit trope, all that you could still be their whore. They brainwashed you. About every single thing in your life. And you have fuck all to be sorry for.”
“I do not believe that,” I said tiredly. I was drained and depleted.
I was numb.
AK sat up and pulled me onto his lap. His hands cupped my face, and he made sure I looked directly into his eyes. “Then I’ll fucking believe it for you.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, more thankful than he could ever know. I looked into his kind, handsome face, and I knew that I owed him an explanation. All was blurry, but I knew how I must have acted after he saved me, under the influence of the drink. I took a deep breath. “I am nothing if not a whore, AK. I do not know how to be anything else.
“I do not know how to live with all my demons. My failure of Sapphira, Lilah, and all the lives of the men I seduced, wasted when Judah ordered them to drink his poison. I brought those men to the commune, to our faith, and they died under Judah’s command.” I clutched on to AK for dear life. “And I do not know how to live in a world where I see my daughter in my arms whenever I close my eyes. Not knowing where she is in the world, if she ever thinks of me.” I breathed slowly. “Meister’s potion took all that away—the cares and the worries. The drink I found on Ky’s porch did the same thing to me, when you had taken the potion from my veins. It was a suitable substitute. It made me not remember, or think of Sapphira, for a time. I saw Lilah with Grace, and although it makes me elated they have one another, it killed me to see what a mother looks like. A true, good mother. That is why I did not want to be brought back to real life.” I shook my head. “Real life is too hard. And I do not know how to cope with it. Not at all.”
I clung to AK as if he were the only tether keeping me from breaking apart. And I whimpered, losing the final restraint on my sorrow when his large arms came around me and held me as close as possible. He kissed my hair and rocked me back and forth, keeping me safe in his hands. “You ain’t to blame,” he said again, his kindness rushing over me like a balm. “They made you do it. Those fuckers took you as a fucking kid and raped you. Forced you into service and stole your kid. You can’t blame yourself. You were fucking trafficked.”
“She was six when I told her I was her sister. Her blood. Her sister, AK . . .” I shook my head. “My soul died that day. Died when I could not tell her that she was mine, that I was her mother and she was loved more than I had known possible. She was the fabric of my soul. The very air I breathed.”
“And you earned those visits?” AK said tightly. His hold on me grew firmer.
“I fucked men, AK. I fucked my way through so many men to get to those visits. I fucked so well that I won rewards from the prophet for my recruitment record, medals. And they rewarded me with a much-coveted position—head Sacred Sister. I taught others; I led our missions. I was called upon to entice and impress the most important of Prophet David’s, and then Judah’s, visitors.” My chest tightened and a sob sailed from my throat. “But they made her a Sacred Sister too, AK. My baby, my little girl, they made her a Sacred Sister. They turned my daughter into a whore.” My chest ached. “I knew it was likely. The female David’s Babies were often put into the same circle as their mothers. The prophet deemed them worthy of being one because it was already in their blood. But it still hurt more than anything when I discovered she was in training.”
“Fuck.” AK pressed a kiss to my head. I reared back, refusing his kind touch. His eyebrows pulled down.
“No,” I said. “You do not understand.” He opened his mouth to speak, but I placed my finger over his lip to silence his words. “I believed in it all, AK. I believed that my sacrifice, no matter how hard it was to endure, was necessary because the prophet deemed it so. Even when Sapphira was made a Sacred Sister, I believed it was God’s way. Despite the pain it caused, the hardship to us both, I would never doubt the prophet. I truly believed he knew what was best.” I choked on those pathetic words. “I was stupid and naïve.” I sucked in a pained breath and let more tears fall. “I failed her in every way because of my blind faith. I failed Lilah, encouraging her to believe and rejoin the faith before she was punished.
“It was not until we all came to New Zion after Prophet Cain’s ascension, and things began to change, that the veil that had shrouded my eyes drew back and the truth of our so-called mission was revealed to me. It was all false . . . everything we did had been due to the ego of one man . . . and all those people perished because of it. . .”
AK placed his hands on my cheeks and lifted my head. “Sapphira . . . the suicide . . .?”
“She was not there,” I said and watched him relax. I thought back to Judah. “The only good thing Judah did when I was his consort was send her away. I begged him to stop her mission as a Sacred Sister. I said that if he loved me as he claimed, he would do this one thing for me. He would save her.” I exhaled, feeling some glimmer of comfort.
“He did as I requested and sent her away, sent her from a life of sexual servitude. She was thirteen at the time. She would be fourteen now. Judah informed me there was a smaller commune where the elderly or impaired were placed. Judah sent her there to work. It was abroad and far away from Texas.” My eyes fell. “I never even got to say goodbye to her, but I took comfort that she was away from New Zion, where I could see everything was falling around us.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “But my daughter is still out there in the world somewhere, without me.” I inhaled deeply. “Since you saved me from Meister, since you forced me to face my demons, I have been plagued with guilt and regret. I should have fought harder for her. I should have realized sooner that The Order was a veritable hell. But at least I am safe in the knowledge that she still lives. Others were not so fortunate. They watched their babies die alongside them. I heard no order from Judah demanding the elderly or infirm be killed, so I pray that she is safe.” I laid my hand on my heart. “I have to believe she is okay, that she breathes, or else I would cease to be. I would waste away.”
When I had confessed the last of my sins, a heady kind of numbness took hold of me. AK was watching me carefully, and I almost wept when I saw no censure in his gaze, no judgment. His hand was shaking when it threaded through my hand.
That small gesture of comfort allowed me to breathe. It allowed the tightness in my chest to relax and find some morsel of peace in this mess.
“You weren’t to blame, Red,” he said, his voice low, deep, but best of all, sincere. “You were a fucking kid. You were a kid who had a kid, and those fuckers took her off you, giving you some bullshit trope, all that you could still be their whore. They brainwashed you. About every single thing in your life. And you have fuck all to be sorry for.”
“I do not believe that,” I said tiredly. I was drained and depleted.
I was numb.
AK sat up and pulled me onto his lap. His hands cupped my face, and he made sure I looked directly into his eyes. “Then I’ll fucking believe it for you.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, more thankful than he could ever know. I looked into his kind, handsome face, and I knew that I owed him an explanation. All was blurry, but I knew how I must have acted after he saved me, under the influence of the drink. I took a deep breath. “I am nothing if not a whore, AK. I do not know how to be anything else.
“I do not know how to live with all my demons. My failure of Sapphira, Lilah, and all the lives of the men I seduced, wasted when Judah ordered them to drink his poison. I brought those men to the commune, to our faith, and they died under Judah’s command.” I clutched on to AK for dear life. “And I do not know how to live in a world where I see my daughter in my arms whenever I close my eyes. Not knowing where she is in the world, if she ever thinks of me.” I breathed slowly. “Meister’s potion took all that away—the cares and the worries. The drink I found on Ky’s porch did the same thing to me, when you had taken the potion from my veins. It was a suitable substitute. It made me not remember, or think of Sapphira, for a time. I saw Lilah with Grace, and although it makes me elated they have one another, it killed me to see what a mother looks like. A true, good mother. That is why I did not want to be brought back to real life.” I shook my head. “Real life is too hard. And I do not know how to cope with it. Not at all.”
I clung to AK as if he were the only tether keeping me from breaking apart. And I whimpered, losing the final restraint on my sorrow when his large arms came around me and held me as close as possible. He kissed my hair and rocked me back and forth, keeping me safe in his hands. “You ain’t to blame,” he said again, his kindness rushing over me like a balm. “They made you do it. Those fuckers took you as a fucking kid and raped you. Forced you into service and stole your kid. You can’t blame yourself. You were fucking trafficked.”
