“Brie—” She looked back at him, her eyes full of tears as she met his gaze. “I don’t know what to say.”
“It’s sorta like a repeat. I say it, and then you do, but you add a too in there, or like Rodney will say, more. You know?”
Her lip started to wobble, and all he could do was swallow hard. “I know.”
“Okay,” she said, her voice a little frantic. “Really?” she asked once more, her voice rising as the tears spilled over her eyes. “After all you just said in there, you don’t love me?”
“I-I just don’t…I…” he stuttered, and she closed her eyes, shaking her head.
“Wow.” Moving her hands over her cheeks, she turned around and started out of the office. But he was with her before she even reached the door.
“Where are you going?”
“I need to walk this off,” she said, wiping her face again. “Because I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me or what I’ve done wrong. Or if it’s not even me, and it’s you and you’ll never love me.”
“It’s not that. I don’t know. I guess it’s me, and I don’t want you feeling like that—”
“I don’t understand,” she said, cutting him off. “You wanted to give it all up for me, you stood beside me, you were amazing, and fuck, Vaughn, why? Why don’t you fucking love me?”
“I don’t know. It freaks me out—”
“It freaks you out to love me?”
“No, like, the whole thing freaks me out because you can hurt me—”
“But I fucking won’t!” she cried, this time her tears falling so fast and furiously down her face. His heart ached, and he begged himself to say it. But, he just couldn’t. “When I make a promise, I keep it. And I promise I will never fucking hurt you, and if I do, it’s because I punched you in the dick.”
“I’m sorry—”
“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault you can’t love me. I’ve gotta be doing something wrong, I guess.”
“No, don’t do that. Don’t try to throw a fucking pity party and blame yourself. It’s not you. It’s me and my fucked-up issues.”
“But why?” she asked sadly. “Why aren’t I enough to get over them?”
Her words were like knives, or maybe it was her tears, he wasn’t sure. It just hurt. Everything hurt. Gone was the panic, replaced by pure, unadulterated pain. “I just don’t know, Brie. I’m sorry. I am. I want to be the man that you need.”
“But you are. That’s the thing, Vaughn. You are the only man made for me. The only man I love. We are meant to be together. Don’t you feel that?”
“I do. All of that, I do.” His throat closed up as he covered his face. “I just don’t know why can’t I say it.”
“I don’t know either. I don’t know what is going through your head, and it’s killing me, it is. But what can I do?”
Silence fell over them as they stood in the lobby of the Assassins’ compound. He chanced a glance at her, and she was shaking her head, wiping her tears. “Are you breaking up with me?”
She looked back at him, her eyes wide and unsure. “Why would I break up with you? Because you don’t love me? Will you not love me? Ever?”
“I don’t know. I hope so.”
“Then why would I break up with you?” she asked, coming to him and pressing her hands to his chest. “I love you, Vaughn. I’m not chased off that easily.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m not hurt. I just feel a bit rejected. And this is my fault, but I’ll get over it.”
“That doesn’t feel right,” he admitted honestly. “I feel like I’m letting you down.”
“I mean, it sucks, but I’d rather you’re honest than lie to me.”
Covering her fingers with his, he looked down at their hands and let out a long sigh. “I want to.”
“Then do it,” she said with a small laugh that held no humor. “Don’t hold back. Give all of yourself to me.”
“I’m yours.”
She shook her head then, her lips turned up in a sad smile. “No, you’re not, Vaughn. If you were, then you would love me like I love you: with all my heart, my soul, my everything. I just hope I’m not wasting my time. That, in the end, you’ll break me.”
His lips trembled as his eyes itched. “I don’t want that.”
“Neither do I,” she whispered, going up on her toes and kissing his jaw. “I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know. I just need some time.”
She kissed him once more, his eyes drifting shut as her lips lingered on his skin. “Will I see you later?”
“If you want,” she whispered, and then she pulled away, not making eye contact before he found himself counting the steps she took until she was gone.
And when she was, he felt like his heart had gone with her.
Brie didn’t get it.
Not in the least.
But as she stood in the middle of the Ben & Jerry’s, her heart was breaking.
She didn’t know what she wanted to get, and she didn’t know why Vaughn didn’t love her.
Was it her? Did she not do something right? Did she not love him enough to make him want to love her? She just didn’t understand. Everything they had been through together. The NateWay shit. Rodney. Learning about his mom and Nathan. That whore Hazel. Then Elli and everything in between. Had she rushed him? Was she rushing this? That didn’t feel right.
They felt right.
“What would you like?”
“For my boyfriend to love me.” The little ice cream guy’s eyes widened, and Brie shook her head. “I don’t understand, you know? I mean, we are good together. The sex is amazing, and we have so much fun. We tease each other ruthlessly. And, I mean, did I mention the sex was great?”
Looking freaked out, he nodded. “You did.”
“It is, and I know sex isn’t everything, but ours is great. Out of bed, we’re even better. I don’t get it. Why doesn’t he love me? Am I ugly?”
“I don’t think so.”
“It’s sorta like a repeat. I say it, and then you do, but you add a too in there, or like Rodney will say, more. You know?”
Her lip started to wobble, and all he could do was swallow hard. “I know.”
“Okay,” she said, her voice a little frantic. “Really?” she asked once more, her voice rising as the tears spilled over her eyes. “After all you just said in there, you don’t love me?”
“I-I just don’t…I…” he stuttered, and she closed her eyes, shaking her head.
“Wow.” Moving her hands over her cheeks, she turned around and started out of the office. But he was with her before she even reached the door.
“Where are you going?”
“I need to walk this off,” she said, wiping her face again. “Because I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me or what I’ve done wrong. Or if it’s not even me, and it’s you and you’ll never love me.”
“It’s not that. I don’t know. I guess it’s me, and I don’t want you feeling like that—”
“I don’t understand,” she said, cutting him off. “You wanted to give it all up for me, you stood beside me, you were amazing, and fuck, Vaughn, why? Why don’t you fucking love me?”
“I don’t know. It freaks me out—”
“It freaks you out to love me?”
“No, like, the whole thing freaks me out because you can hurt me—”
“But I fucking won’t!” she cried, this time her tears falling so fast and furiously down her face. His heart ached, and he begged himself to say it. But, he just couldn’t. “When I make a promise, I keep it. And I promise I will never fucking hurt you, and if I do, it’s because I punched you in the dick.”
“I’m sorry—”
“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault you can’t love me. I’ve gotta be doing something wrong, I guess.”
“No, don’t do that. Don’t try to throw a fucking pity party and blame yourself. It’s not you. It’s me and my fucked-up issues.”
“But why?” she asked sadly. “Why aren’t I enough to get over them?”
Her words were like knives, or maybe it was her tears, he wasn’t sure. It just hurt. Everything hurt. Gone was the panic, replaced by pure, unadulterated pain. “I just don’t know, Brie. I’m sorry. I am. I want to be the man that you need.”
“But you are. That’s the thing, Vaughn. You are the only man made for me. The only man I love. We are meant to be together. Don’t you feel that?”
“I do. All of that, I do.” His throat closed up as he covered his face. “I just don’t know why can’t I say it.”
“I don’t know either. I don’t know what is going through your head, and it’s killing me, it is. But what can I do?”
Silence fell over them as they stood in the lobby of the Assassins’ compound. He chanced a glance at her, and she was shaking her head, wiping her tears. “Are you breaking up with me?”
She looked back at him, her eyes wide and unsure. “Why would I break up with you? Because you don’t love me? Will you not love me? Ever?”
“I don’t know. I hope so.”
“Then why would I break up with you?” she asked, coming to him and pressing her hands to his chest. “I love you, Vaughn. I’m not chased off that easily.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m not hurt. I just feel a bit rejected. And this is my fault, but I’ll get over it.”
“That doesn’t feel right,” he admitted honestly. “I feel like I’m letting you down.”
“I mean, it sucks, but I’d rather you’re honest than lie to me.”
Covering her fingers with his, he looked down at their hands and let out a long sigh. “I want to.”
“Then do it,” she said with a small laugh that held no humor. “Don’t hold back. Give all of yourself to me.”
“I’m yours.”
She shook her head then, her lips turned up in a sad smile. “No, you’re not, Vaughn. If you were, then you would love me like I love you: with all my heart, my soul, my everything. I just hope I’m not wasting my time. That, in the end, you’ll break me.”
His lips trembled as his eyes itched. “I don’t want that.”
“Neither do I,” she whispered, going up on her toes and kissing his jaw. “I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know. I just need some time.”
She kissed him once more, his eyes drifting shut as her lips lingered on his skin. “Will I see you later?”
“If you want,” she whispered, and then she pulled away, not making eye contact before he found himself counting the steps she took until she was gone.
And when she was, he felt like his heart had gone with her.
Brie didn’t get it.
Not in the least.
But as she stood in the middle of the Ben & Jerry’s, her heart was breaking.
She didn’t know what she wanted to get, and she didn’t know why Vaughn didn’t love her.
Was it her? Did she not do something right? Did she not love him enough to make him want to love her? She just didn’t understand. Everything they had been through together. The NateWay shit. Rodney. Learning about his mom and Nathan. That whore Hazel. Then Elli and everything in between. Had she rushed him? Was she rushing this? That didn’t feel right.
They felt right.
“What would you like?”
“For my boyfriend to love me.” The little ice cream guy’s eyes widened, and Brie shook her head. “I don’t understand, you know? I mean, we are good together. The sex is amazing, and we have so much fun. We tease each other ruthlessly. And, I mean, did I mention the sex was great?”
Looking freaked out, he nodded. “You did.”
“It is, and I know sex isn’t everything, but ours is great. Out of bed, we’re even better. I don’t get it. Why doesn’t he love me? Am I ugly?”
“I don’t think so.”
