“Goddamn it, Dad.” I turn to him. My patience is wearing thin. The old man cusses all the time, but because I do it, it’s wrong. Fuck me. I never win.
“You might not respect the rules I lay out, but you will respect your mother’s, and you do not use God’s name in vain.”
“Sorry, Mom.” I lean down and place a kiss on her cheek. “Thanks for dinner. I love you,” I tell her and step back.
“Walk me out, Jackson?” Jackson nods and stands to follow me.
“Sir.” I nod to my father, then head for the door. He doesn’t reply until I get to the door.
“Why do you bother to come here if you hate me so much, son?’ His question jolts me for a moment while I try to digest it. What the fuck?
“I don’t come here for you. I come here for them.” I nod toward Jackson and my mother. Part of me wished it were different. Maybe a long time ago we could have fixed some of the issues, but he refuses to acknowledge any of our problems. Acknowledge where he failed. Knowing my father won’t respond, I continue walking outside, without another word.
“Jesse, wait up,” Jackson calls as I make it to my bike.
“Jesus, Jackson, I don’t know why the fuck you insist on this shit,” I complain, putting my helmet on. I know deep down why I still come when he asks. Because I wish I had some kind of closure with the man. But after today’s visit, I realize I’m never going to get that. “Every fucking time, and I didn’t even start this one. I’m fucking done, Jackson. No more. He’s dead to me. You hear.”
“He’s fucking dying, Jesse.” The words are barely above a whisper, but I hear them clearly. It’s as if my brain short-circuited and needs to be rebooted. Around me, everything is moving fast-forward while I stand motionless in the middle of it all.
“What?” I think I ask, but I can’t be sure over the ringing in my ears. The irony isn’t lost to me that the moment I decide to cut him out I get hit with this news.
“Cancer. Stage Four.”
“What are we looking at?”
“He doesn’t have long,” he confirms. My hand finds my bike seat so I can steady myself. Jackson’s eyes follow my movement but he doesn’t comment.
“How long have you known?” I mumble still unsteady.
“Last month, I knew something was up when he gave up the booze.”
I nod, trying to take it all in. “He didn’t want me to know?” I ask, and I know I’m right when he doesn’t answer. “Why?” I ask, taking another blow. Why does he fucking hate me so much?
“Why do you think? You both can’t stand to be around each other.”
“So?” I shout, pissed off I was left out. I’m not even worthy enough to know my father is dying.
“He was going to tell you tonight,”
“But instead, he fucking had digs at me all night,” I accuse. The sting of rejection never gets old. “I shouldn’t expect anything less of him.”
“Jesse, can’t you see he’s trying. You sure as hell make it hard on him. Fuck, if you had just eased up.”
“I gotta go, Jackson.” Overwhelming panic starts to box me in. Clawing up my spine it threatens to drag me down. I can’t stand here and listen to how many times I have fucked up, when the old man gets a fucking pass.
“Jesse, don’t ride off like this now. Come back inside.” Jackson tries to calm me, but standing here now, knowing what I know, I need a minute to think.
“You got any news on Paige?” I mount my ride and start my bike.
“Not yet. We got a lead thanks to some info Beau picked up, and we are working on it.”
“Keep me posted,” I tell him as I back out of the drive.
“Stay, Jesse,” he pushes, but the last thing I want to do is stay. I shake my head, and then take off, leaving the sound of the tires screeching in the air.
I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I have to clear my head.
Fuck, my father’s dying. I couldn’t tell you how many times I wished the man would die. Wished he wouldn’t come home after a tour. Even fucking prayed. And now, knowing it’s going to happen, I don’t know how to respond.
Twelve BELL
“I’m considering moving into maternity full time,” I tell Lissy over the phone as I chew on the end of my pencil.
“Why in the world would you do that? I thought you were enjoying emergency.”
“I am, but I think I want to go back to school.” I recall the last few times I’ve helped out on the maternity ward. I know it’s not what I had planned, but now I’ve had a taste, I want more. I can’t explain it.
“You’re so weird. You just finished your degree and you want to go back to school?”
“Well, yeah,” I tell her, knowing she won’t understand. Lissy works at her parents’ transport company. She has a good job, hardly even works. In fact, I don’t think she would survive working outside of her dad’s office.
“Well, there goes any chance of you having kids now.”
“What? Why?”
“Because you’ll see them coming out of vajayjays all day. It’s going to put you off.” She laughs but it doesn’t bother me.
“Whatever,” I say, laughing at how very different we both are. I’m night. She’s day.
“Oh, I forgot to ask. Have you had any news on Paige?”
“You might not respect the rules I lay out, but you will respect your mother’s, and you do not use God’s name in vain.”
“Sorry, Mom.” I lean down and place a kiss on her cheek. “Thanks for dinner. I love you,” I tell her and step back.
“Walk me out, Jackson?” Jackson nods and stands to follow me.
“Sir.” I nod to my father, then head for the door. He doesn’t reply until I get to the door.
“Why do you bother to come here if you hate me so much, son?’ His question jolts me for a moment while I try to digest it. What the fuck?
“I don’t come here for you. I come here for them.” I nod toward Jackson and my mother. Part of me wished it were different. Maybe a long time ago we could have fixed some of the issues, but he refuses to acknowledge any of our problems. Acknowledge where he failed. Knowing my father won’t respond, I continue walking outside, without another word.
“Jesse, wait up,” Jackson calls as I make it to my bike.
“Jesus, Jackson, I don’t know why the fuck you insist on this shit,” I complain, putting my helmet on. I know deep down why I still come when he asks. Because I wish I had some kind of closure with the man. But after today’s visit, I realize I’m never going to get that. “Every fucking time, and I didn’t even start this one. I’m fucking done, Jackson. No more. He’s dead to me. You hear.”
“He’s fucking dying, Jesse.” The words are barely above a whisper, but I hear them clearly. It’s as if my brain short-circuited and needs to be rebooted. Around me, everything is moving fast-forward while I stand motionless in the middle of it all.
“What?” I think I ask, but I can’t be sure over the ringing in my ears. The irony isn’t lost to me that the moment I decide to cut him out I get hit with this news.
“Cancer. Stage Four.”
“What are we looking at?”
“He doesn’t have long,” he confirms. My hand finds my bike seat so I can steady myself. Jackson’s eyes follow my movement but he doesn’t comment.
“How long have you known?” I mumble still unsteady.
“Last month, I knew something was up when he gave up the booze.”
I nod, trying to take it all in. “He didn’t want me to know?” I ask, and I know I’m right when he doesn’t answer. “Why?” I ask, taking another blow. Why does he fucking hate me so much?
“Why do you think? You both can’t stand to be around each other.”
“So?” I shout, pissed off I was left out. I’m not even worthy enough to know my father is dying.
“He was going to tell you tonight,”
“But instead, he fucking had digs at me all night,” I accuse. The sting of rejection never gets old. “I shouldn’t expect anything less of him.”
“Jesse, can’t you see he’s trying. You sure as hell make it hard on him. Fuck, if you had just eased up.”
“I gotta go, Jackson.” Overwhelming panic starts to box me in. Clawing up my spine it threatens to drag me down. I can’t stand here and listen to how many times I have fucked up, when the old man gets a fucking pass.
“Jesse, don’t ride off like this now. Come back inside.” Jackson tries to calm me, but standing here now, knowing what I know, I need a minute to think.
“You got any news on Paige?” I mount my ride and start my bike.
“Not yet. We got a lead thanks to some info Beau picked up, and we are working on it.”
“Keep me posted,” I tell him as I back out of the drive.
“Stay, Jesse,” he pushes, but the last thing I want to do is stay. I shake my head, and then take off, leaving the sound of the tires screeching in the air.
I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I have to clear my head.
Fuck, my father’s dying. I couldn’t tell you how many times I wished the man would die. Wished he wouldn’t come home after a tour. Even fucking prayed. And now, knowing it’s going to happen, I don’t know how to respond.
Twelve BELL
“I’m considering moving into maternity full time,” I tell Lissy over the phone as I chew on the end of my pencil.
“Why in the world would you do that? I thought you were enjoying emergency.”
“I am, but I think I want to go back to school.” I recall the last few times I’ve helped out on the maternity ward. I know it’s not what I had planned, but now I’ve had a taste, I want more. I can’t explain it.
“You’re so weird. You just finished your degree and you want to go back to school?”
“Well, yeah,” I tell her, knowing she won’t understand. Lissy works at her parents’ transport company. She has a good job, hardly even works. In fact, I don’t think she would survive working outside of her dad’s office.
“Well, there goes any chance of you having kids now.”
“What? Why?”
“Because you’ll see them coming out of vajayjays all day. It’s going to put you off.” She laughs but it doesn’t bother me.
“Whatever,” I say, laughing at how very different we both are. I’m night. She’s day.
“Oh, I forgot to ask. Have you had any news on Paige?”
