“Yes, Lissy, but show the man legs and he wouldn’t be able to keep his eyes off them; besides, he’s old. A lot older.”
“No, I think you’re wrong. He totally wants you, and he isn’t that old, Jesus. Older men are better lovers,” Manda adds, but I won’t let her words affect me. I can’t allow him affect me.
“I wonder what games he’s good at playing.” Lissy groans, and this time, I can’t fight my grin. Typical Lissy. I love my friends but they are all hopeless romantics. I’m the least romantic person ever. I don’t believe in love or fairytales with happily ever afters, and I don’t need a man to make me happy. Am I lonely? Sometimes, but having a man in my bed isn’t going to fill the void in my life. I know that. Especially men like Jesse Carter.
“Just quit it, guys. I’m not interested, you know this,” I say, cutting their daydreaming short.
“But why, Bell?” Kate pushes. “You should be a little bit interested. Just look at him.”
“You know why.” I shake my head, ignoring what she thinks I should and shouldn’t be doing. I’m so sick of hearing it. Why can’t people let it go?
“Because of Paige?” she asks and I can hear the sadness in the question.
“No,” I snap back the lie. I don’t do sympathy and I hate when they blame Paige for my lack of interest in men.
“You can’t wait forever for her,” Manda whispers and I know they are about to start back up again.
“Guys.”
“You do know how messed up this is? It’s your birthday and your family is at home mourning her. You have a man, a sexy-as-sin man come up to you and you just shut him down.” Lissy reminds me, spreading my sadness further down into my soul. Yep, that’s me in a nutshell.
“Lissy stop.”
“No, Bell. It’s not right. You’re important too. Don’t you see?” she keeps pressing, but it’s the last thing I need to hear tonight.
“It’s okay for you guys. You don’t have to live with it. You didn’t lose your sister. Your mother didn’t lose her child.” I drag a deep breath through my nose, hoping to calm my frustration.
“No, but thousands of people do, and there comes a time when moving on is the next step,” Manda adds and I know she’s right. It’s not like we are the only family in the world who are mourning a missing person, but until you live it, breathe it, you have no idea what it’s like.
“Do you know what it’s like not knowing if she’s alive?” I ask, my insecurities flaring at being ganged up on. “We live with it daily. You all sit here and act like I’m some pushover, like I’m wasting my life simply because I’m holding out hope for my sister to be alive.”
“Bell, it’s been six years,” Lissy whispers, reminding me just how much we have lost.
Another blow to the gut.
“Yeah and her body hasn’t been found. You might think you know what it feels like but you don’t. You couldn’t begin to imagine. So what, a man asks me to dance and I say no, so it has to be Paige’s fault?” I stand, pushing my chair back in frustration. Thoughts of Paige and where she could be, what she might have endured, flash in front of me and I can’t handle it.
“Bell, wait.” Manda stands but I can’t be around them right now, not if they continue to throw this all back in my face.
“Just give me five,” I say, needing some fresh air. They don’t follow me. Much to my relief. I need to calm down. I make my way outside; the need to take a breather calls to me. I can’t believe my birthday turned out like this. I should have known better. My birthday has been jinxed since I was seventeen—the night my sister vanished. Ever since then, nothing has been the same.
Pushing the doors with both hands, I drag another breath through my nose and let it fill my lungs. What my friends don’t know is, I hate my sister for this overwhelming despair, this resentment. I don’t know how much more of this painful loneliness I can take. Then in the same breath, I feel desperate, desperate not to give up, often questioning my own well-being. What if she did run away like the police first thought. What if she is dead, her body never to be found? Sometimes I wish she were dead. That her body would show up, end the constant worry. Then maybe our family could have some closure. Maybe the heartbreak of reliving my birthday every year not knowing what has happened to her would be easier. The unknown scares me. One day we have to have the answers. One day we have to have closure.
“Baby, if I knew you’d get so excited over my bike, I’d fuck you over the back.” A deep voice grabs my attention and I find myself staring at Jesse sucking face with some blonde-haired, big-boobed Amazon woman.
Oh, man, not him again. His tanned arm comes around the woman’s waist and pulls her to him. She wraps a leg around him and starts rubbing up against him. It’s the last thing I want to see, but for reasons I don’t want to admit, I can’t look away.
“You know his club has connections. Maybe they could put some feelers out there for Paige?” Lissy comes up behind me as I stand and watch Jesse pull back from the woman then plant her on his bike.
“Why are we still talking about him?” I turn my back, disgusted when I find myself wishing it was me getting on his bike. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He gets me so worked up. I would never be what Jesse wants, and he would never be what I need. So why does seeing him kiss some skank make me want to be sick? The rumble of his bike grabs my attention and before I can catch myself, I turn back one last time.
“No, I think you’re wrong. He totally wants you, and he isn’t that old, Jesus. Older men are better lovers,” Manda adds, but I won’t let her words affect me. I can’t allow him affect me.
“I wonder what games he’s good at playing.” Lissy groans, and this time, I can’t fight my grin. Typical Lissy. I love my friends but they are all hopeless romantics. I’m the least romantic person ever. I don’t believe in love or fairytales with happily ever afters, and I don’t need a man to make me happy. Am I lonely? Sometimes, but having a man in my bed isn’t going to fill the void in my life. I know that. Especially men like Jesse Carter.
“Just quit it, guys. I’m not interested, you know this,” I say, cutting their daydreaming short.
“But why, Bell?” Kate pushes. “You should be a little bit interested. Just look at him.”
“You know why.” I shake my head, ignoring what she thinks I should and shouldn’t be doing. I’m so sick of hearing it. Why can’t people let it go?
“Because of Paige?” she asks and I can hear the sadness in the question.
“No,” I snap back the lie. I don’t do sympathy and I hate when they blame Paige for my lack of interest in men.
“You can’t wait forever for her,” Manda whispers and I know they are about to start back up again.
“Guys.”
“You do know how messed up this is? It’s your birthday and your family is at home mourning her. You have a man, a sexy-as-sin man come up to you and you just shut him down.” Lissy reminds me, spreading my sadness further down into my soul. Yep, that’s me in a nutshell.
“Lissy stop.”
“No, Bell. It’s not right. You’re important too. Don’t you see?” she keeps pressing, but it’s the last thing I need to hear tonight.
“It’s okay for you guys. You don’t have to live with it. You didn’t lose your sister. Your mother didn’t lose her child.” I drag a deep breath through my nose, hoping to calm my frustration.
“No, but thousands of people do, and there comes a time when moving on is the next step,” Manda adds and I know she’s right. It’s not like we are the only family in the world who are mourning a missing person, but until you live it, breathe it, you have no idea what it’s like.
“Do you know what it’s like not knowing if she’s alive?” I ask, my insecurities flaring at being ganged up on. “We live with it daily. You all sit here and act like I’m some pushover, like I’m wasting my life simply because I’m holding out hope for my sister to be alive.”
“Bell, it’s been six years,” Lissy whispers, reminding me just how much we have lost.
Another blow to the gut.
“Yeah and her body hasn’t been found. You might think you know what it feels like but you don’t. You couldn’t begin to imagine. So what, a man asks me to dance and I say no, so it has to be Paige’s fault?” I stand, pushing my chair back in frustration. Thoughts of Paige and where she could be, what she might have endured, flash in front of me and I can’t handle it.
“Bell, wait.” Manda stands but I can’t be around them right now, not if they continue to throw this all back in my face.
“Just give me five,” I say, needing some fresh air. They don’t follow me. Much to my relief. I need to calm down. I make my way outside; the need to take a breather calls to me. I can’t believe my birthday turned out like this. I should have known better. My birthday has been jinxed since I was seventeen—the night my sister vanished. Ever since then, nothing has been the same.
Pushing the doors with both hands, I drag another breath through my nose and let it fill my lungs. What my friends don’t know is, I hate my sister for this overwhelming despair, this resentment. I don’t know how much more of this painful loneliness I can take. Then in the same breath, I feel desperate, desperate not to give up, often questioning my own well-being. What if she did run away like the police first thought. What if she is dead, her body never to be found? Sometimes I wish she were dead. That her body would show up, end the constant worry. Then maybe our family could have some closure. Maybe the heartbreak of reliving my birthday every year not knowing what has happened to her would be easier. The unknown scares me. One day we have to have the answers. One day we have to have closure.
“Baby, if I knew you’d get so excited over my bike, I’d fuck you over the back.” A deep voice grabs my attention and I find myself staring at Jesse sucking face with some blonde-haired, big-boobed Amazon woman.
Oh, man, not him again. His tanned arm comes around the woman’s waist and pulls her to him. She wraps a leg around him and starts rubbing up against him. It’s the last thing I want to see, but for reasons I don’t want to admit, I can’t look away.
“You know his club has connections. Maybe they could put some feelers out there for Paige?” Lissy comes up behind me as I stand and watch Jesse pull back from the woman then plant her on his bike.
“Why are we still talking about him?” I turn my back, disgusted when I find myself wishing it was me getting on his bike. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He gets me so worked up. I would never be what Jesse wants, and he would never be what I need. So why does seeing him kiss some skank make me want to be sick? The rumble of his bike grabs my attention and before I can catch myself, I turn back one last time.
