Dreamfever
Page 11
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“You must care, Mac.”
“I am so sick of that word! I do not know ‘Mac.’ I do not like your pictures. I hate your stories!”
“Mac is your name. You are MacKayla Lane. Mac for short. It is who you are. You are a sidhe-seer. It is what you are. You were raised by Jack and Rainey Lane. They are your parents and love you. They need you very much. Alina was your sister. She was murdered.”
“Stop talking! I will not listen.” I clamp my hands to my ears.
He pries them away. “You love pink.”
“I despise pink! I love red and black.” The colors of blood and death. The colors of the tattoos on his beautiful body that cover his legs, his abdomen, half his chest, and twine up one side of his neck.
He rolls me over beneath him and traps my face between his hands. “Look at me. Who am I?”
There is something I have forgotten. I do not want to remember. “You are my lover.”
“I was not always, Mac. There was a time when you didn’t even like me. You have never trusted me.”
Why does he tell me lies? Why does he seek to ruin what we have? It is now. It is perfect. There is no cold, no pain, no death, no betrayal, no icy places, no terrifying monsters that can steal your will and turn you into something you cannot even recognize and make you feel ashamed, so ashamed. There is only pleasure here, endless pleasure.
“I trust you,” I say. “We are the same.”
His smile is sharp as knives. “We are not. I’ve told you that before. Never make that mistake. We meet in lust. But we are not the same. Never will be.”
“You worry about things of no importance. And you talk too much.”
“You got me a birthday cake. It was pink. I smashed it into the ceiling.”
I do not know “birthdays” or “cakes,” so I say nothing.
“You like cars. I let you drive my Viper.”
Cars! I remember those. Sleek, sexy, fast, and powerful, all the things I like. Something nags at me. “Why did you smash this ‘birthday cake’ into the ceiling?” I wait for his answer and am struck by a violent sense of déjà vu—that I have waited for many answers from my beast, and have gotten few, if any.
He stares down at me. He seems startled that I have asked such a question. I have confused myself with it. I do not ask questions. I have little interest in talk. There is only now. I met my lover the day he became my lover. What do I care of things called cakes and birthdays? Yet I seem to want his answer very much and feel oddly deflated when he does not give me one.
“I am Jericho Barrons. Say my name.”
I try to turn my face away, but his hands clamp like a vise on my skull and hold it immobile, preventing me from looking away.
I close my eyes.
He shakes me. “Say my name.”
“No.”
“Damn it, would you just cooperate?”
“I do not know that word, ‘cooperate.’ “
“Obviously,” he growls.
“I think you make up words.”
“I do not make up words.”
“Do, too.”
“Do not.”
“Too.”
“Not.”
I laugh.
“Woman, you make me crazed,” he mutters.
We do this often. Get into childish arguments. He is stubborn, my beast.
“Open your eyes and say my name.”
I squeeze them shut more tightly.
“It would make my cock hard to hear you say my name.”
My eyes pop open. “Jericho Barrons,” I say sweetly.
He makes a pained sound. “Bloody hell, woman, I think a part of me wants to keep you this way.”
I touch his face. “I like how I am. I like how you are, too. When you are … What is that word you used? Cooperating.”
“Tell me to fuck you.”
I smile and comply. We’re back in territory I understand.
“You didn’t say my name. Say my name when you tell me to fuck you.”
“Fuck me, Jericho Barrons.”
“From now on, you will call me Jericho Barrons every time you speak to me.”
He is a strange beast. But he gives me what I want. I suppose it will not kill me to do the same.
And so we begin a different way of being. I call him Jericho Barrons and he calls me Mac.
We are no longer animals. We have “names.”
I dream of his “Alina” and wake up weeping. But there is something new inside me. Something cold and explosive beneath the tears.
I do not know what to call it, but it makes me pace. I stalk the room like the animal I am, smashing and breaking things. I scream until my throat is raw.
Suddenly I have new words.
Rage.
Anger. Violence.
I am all the fury that ever was. I could scourge the earth with my grief and madness.
I want something. But I do not know what it is.
He watches me in silence.
I think it must be sex. I go to him. He sits on the edge of the bed and pulls me to stand between his legs.
My hands hurt from hitting things. He kisses them.
“Revenge,” he says softly. “They took too much. You give up and die, or learn how to take back. Revenge, Mac.”
I cock my head. I try the word on my tongue. “Revenge.” Yes. That is what I want.
He is gone when I wake, and I have a bad moment, but then he is there and has brought many boxes and some of them smell good.
I no longer resist when he offers me food. I anticipate it. Food is pleasure. Sometimes I put things on his body and lick them off, and he watches me with dark eyes and shudders as he comes.
“I am so sick of that word! I do not know ‘Mac.’ I do not like your pictures. I hate your stories!”
“Mac is your name. You are MacKayla Lane. Mac for short. It is who you are. You are a sidhe-seer. It is what you are. You were raised by Jack and Rainey Lane. They are your parents and love you. They need you very much. Alina was your sister. She was murdered.”
“Stop talking! I will not listen.” I clamp my hands to my ears.
He pries them away. “You love pink.”
“I despise pink! I love red and black.” The colors of blood and death. The colors of the tattoos on his beautiful body that cover his legs, his abdomen, half his chest, and twine up one side of his neck.
He rolls me over beneath him and traps my face between his hands. “Look at me. Who am I?”
There is something I have forgotten. I do not want to remember. “You are my lover.”
“I was not always, Mac. There was a time when you didn’t even like me. You have never trusted me.”
Why does he tell me lies? Why does he seek to ruin what we have? It is now. It is perfect. There is no cold, no pain, no death, no betrayal, no icy places, no terrifying monsters that can steal your will and turn you into something you cannot even recognize and make you feel ashamed, so ashamed. There is only pleasure here, endless pleasure.
“I trust you,” I say. “We are the same.”
His smile is sharp as knives. “We are not. I’ve told you that before. Never make that mistake. We meet in lust. But we are not the same. Never will be.”
“You worry about things of no importance. And you talk too much.”
“You got me a birthday cake. It was pink. I smashed it into the ceiling.”
I do not know “birthdays” or “cakes,” so I say nothing.
“You like cars. I let you drive my Viper.”
Cars! I remember those. Sleek, sexy, fast, and powerful, all the things I like. Something nags at me. “Why did you smash this ‘birthday cake’ into the ceiling?” I wait for his answer and am struck by a violent sense of déjà vu—that I have waited for many answers from my beast, and have gotten few, if any.
He stares down at me. He seems startled that I have asked such a question. I have confused myself with it. I do not ask questions. I have little interest in talk. There is only now. I met my lover the day he became my lover. What do I care of things called cakes and birthdays? Yet I seem to want his answer very much and feel oddly deflated when he does not give me one.
“I am Jericho Barrons. Say my name.”
I try to turn my face away, but his hands clamp like a vise on my skull and hold it immobile, preventing me from looking away.
I close my eyes.
He shakes me. “Say my name.”
“No.”
“Damn it, would you just cooperate?”
“I do not know that word, ‘cooperate.’ “
“Obviously,” he growls.
“I think you make up words.”
“I do not make up words.”
“Do, too.”
“Do not.”
“Too.”
“Not.”
I laugh.
“Woman, you make me crazed,” he mutters.
We do this often. Get into childish arguments. He is stubborn, my beast.
“Open your eyes and say my name.”
I squeeze them shut more tightly.
“It would make my cock hard to hear you say my name.”
My eyes pop open. “Jericho Barrons,” I say sweetly.
He makes a pained sound. “Bloody hell, woman, I think a part of me wants to keep you this way.”
I touch his face. “I like how I am. I like how you are, too. When you are … What is that word you used? Cooperating.”
“Tell me to fuck you.”
I smile and comply. We’re back in territory I understand.
“You didn’t say my name. Say my name when you tell me to fuck you.”
“Fuck me, Jericho Barrons.”
“From now on, you will call me Jericho Barrons every time you speak to me.”
He is a strange beast. But he gives me what I want. I suppose it will not kill me to do the same.
And so we begin a different way of being. I call him Jericho Barrons and he calls me Mac.
We are no longer animals. We have “names.”
I dream of his “Alina” and wake up weeping. But there is something new inside me. Something cold and explosive beneath the tears.
I do not know what to call it, but it makes me pace. I stalk the room like the animal I am, smashing and breaking things. I scream until my throat is raw.
Suddenly I have new words.
Rage.
Anger. Violence.
I am all the fury that ever was. I could scourge the earth with my grief and madness.
I want something. But I do not know what it is.
He watches me in silence.
I think it must be sex. I go to him. He sits on the edge of the bed and pulls me to stand between his legs.
My hands hurt from hitting things. He kisses them.
“Revenge,” he says softly. “They took too much. You give up and die, or learn how to take back. Revenge, Mac.”
I cock my head. I try the word on my tongue. “Revenge.” Yes. That is what I want.
He is gone when I wake, and I have a bad moment, but then he is there and has brought many boxes and some of them smell good.
I no longer resist when he offers me food. I anticipate it. Food is pleasure. Sometimes I put things on his body and lick them off, and he watches me with dark eyes and shudders as he comes.
