He sighed as I hugged him tight and I pulled back to look at him. He wouldn't look at me and the brief joy I'd felt faded. Cupping his cheek, I stroked his skin with my thumb. "You're not excited about this..." Feeling my heart leaden, I began to understand. "Because of me, right?"
Meeting my gaze, he shrugged. "It's a six month tour, Kiera...coast to coast." I bit my lip. My eyes started stinging as I considered just what that meant for us. He'd be leaving, for quite a while.
Forcing a smile, even though I wanted to feel as melancholy as he did, I shook my head. "It's okay. Six months isn't so long. And you'd have breaks, right? I'd still get to see you?"
He nodded and looked down. "I don't have to go, Kiera." Looking back up at me, he shook his head. "I can tell the guys no."
My mouth dropped open as I realized what the band had been fighting about. He'd told them no in the bar, because he didn't want to leave me. Tilting my head, I searched his face. "This is your dream, Kellan, and this could be it for you. This could be your moment, your chance. Isn't this what you want?"
He shrugged, looking over my shoulder to the bar. "I'm fine with my life the way it is. Playing at Pete's," he looked back at me, "being with you."
Running my hand back through his hair, I pressed our bodies together. "But you know you're too talented to keep doing that forever, Kellan. Even though I'd like to keep you to myself, I know that I can't hide you away from the world." He looked at the ground and I sunk down to meet his eyes. "And it's not just your dream, Kellan." I glanced back at the bar and he followed my gaze. "You know how much this means to them." Looking back at him, I shrugged. "You can't say no because of me."
"I know." He sighed. "They're the only reason I'm even talking to you about this right now." Shaking his head, he added, "But, Kiera...you have another year of school, you can't come with me. I don't want to leave you..."
I shook my head, cutting him off. "Not because of me, Kellan." Feeling tears sting my eyes again, I swallowed hard. I was going to miss him so much, but I couldn't keep him from this. I couldn't be that person...again. "I won't keep another man from his dream," I whispered.
He pulled me in tight, clasping me to him like I was going to vanish. I felt like sobbing but I knew that I couldn't, not when I could feel him shaking in my arms. Concerned, I whispered in his ear, "You're scared, Kellan...why? You never get scared."
He shook his head. "That's not true. I'm scared all the time." I pulled back to look at him with furrowed brows and he swallowed. "I remember, Kiera." I furrowed my brows even more and he shook his head. "I remember when Denny left you...what it did to you." His eyes searching mine, he whispered, "I remember how we got together."
Heat pricked me as what he was saying sunk in. He thought if he left, I'd cheat. I'd be so lonely and pathetic without out him that I'd reach out to the next available man and do...exactly what I'd done to Denny. Knowing I couldn't hate him for his fear, but feeling the anger anyway, I pushed him back from me. "You won't leave me because when Denny left..."
"I know you don't like being alone," he murmured.
Anger stirring my belly, I spat out, "I'm not going to freak out because you're gone and cheat on you. I'm not... I wouldn't..." I stammered with something that didn't sound childish. "Why would you think I would do that to you?"
"Because I was there...when Denny thought the exact same thing, when he thought you'd never cheat on him either." He sighed and tried to wrap me in his embrace again but I kept him at arm's length.
I tried to raise my chin, but I felt it quivering as my emotions ran rampant. "That's not fair. I've grown, Kellan. And you and I were a completely different situation. You can't throw that in my face."
Looking apologetic, he shook his head. "I know, I do know that. And I know you've grown, Kiera, but still..." Closing his eyes, he looked away.
Open-mouthed, I could only shake my head at him. "Are you always going to wonder about me?" I whispered. Twisting my lips, I wished we had the sort of relationship where we could smile and congratulate the other, wishing them well, knowing that nothing bad would happen. We didn't have that though. We had doubt and fear, even though I sometimes tried to naively pretend that we didn't.
Peeking up at me, he raised his eyebrows. "Just like you wonder about me? Just earlier today you thought I was cheating on you. You won't worry when I'm gone? I mean, if I go on the road for months...with Griffin...it wouldn't cross your mind?"
My eyes narrowed as I considered just what kind of trouble he could get into with that D-bag. "Well now it will." I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him until he turned away. He sighed, looking out over the parking lot. I sighed as well, my posture relaxing as my residual anger faded. I couldn't be angry with him for wondering about something that I often wondered about too. "I guess we'll just have to try and...trust each other."
When he solemnly nodded, his gaze dropping to our feet, I looked around at where we were-outside, alone. A second wave of understanding hit me. Cupping his cheek, I brought his gaze back up to mine. "Did you tell me this out here because you thought I would break down?"
Nodding, he whispered, "I remember that night that Denny told you he was leaving. I remember holding you while you cried...for him. I saw you when his plane left. You were devastated, like a part of you had left with him. I don't want to hurt you like that, Kiera."
His eyes saddened as he looked over mine...over my completely dry ones. Kissing him softly, I rested my forehead against his. "Are you upset that I'm...not more upset. Was this a test?"
Sighing, he shook his head. "I wouldn't test you, Kiera, but I did think you'd...at least cry, maybe beg a little."
He tried to turn away again, but I held him in front of me. "I will. Trust me, when you actually leave, I will be a blubbering wreck. But I meant what I said, Kellan. I've grown. A lot has happened since Denny left me that first time. I've done some maturing." Remembering how I was back then, I shook my head. "I was so scared to be alone." I shrugged my shoulder as he watched me. "I still don't like it, but I'm more secure now, I think. Mistakes in the past have aged me some."
He cracked a small smile. "Ah, the wizened twenty-two year old."
My smile was a small one as well, but some of the earlier tension evaporated in it. "Kellan, you may have a lot more experience, but don't act like you're not the exact same age I am. I've seen your driver's license."
Grinning crookedly, he raised an eyebrow. "The real one?"
Shaking my head at him, I cupped both his cheeks. "Do you think I loved Denny more, because it bothered me so much when he first told me he was leaving?"
Shrugging, his smile turned sad. "Can you blame me for thinking that?"
Enfolding my arms around him, I laid my head on his shoulder. "No, I guess not." We were silent a moment, rocking slightly as we held each other. I waited a moment longer, peace and a bit of sadness creeping into me. "I didn't love him more than I love you, Kellan." Pulling back, I met his eye. "I love you more. I love you enough to let you go and live your dream." I tilted my head and shrugged. "Don't you see...? I love you more."
He smiled softly and I brushed some hair off of his forehead. Running the backs of my fingers down his cheek, I whispered, "And, yes, I will miss you, more than you could possibly imagine, but I know that you have to do this, Kellan. And you know it, too."
Stubbornly, he shook his head. "No, I know that I have to be with you. Everything else is just...details."
I smiled and kissed him. Against his lips I murmured, "This isn't just your dream though, remember." Sighing, I pointed back to the bar, to the other people his decision involved. "There's Evan and Griffin, and Matt...he's worked so hard for this."
He watched my fingers then sighed, "I know..."
Lacing my arms around his neck, I tilted my head at him. "And that's why you'll do this. It's their dream too, and you can't take it away from them...for me, for us."
Leaning his head against mine, he closed his eyes. "I know." We rested against each other for an achingly long time, then Kellan pulled back. "I guess I should go tell Matt the good news," he said, a little sullenly.
I nodded, biting my lip and fighting the tears starting to sting. I'd always suspected this would happen one day, just not necessarily today. "When does the tour start?"
Looking down, he quietly said, "First part of November."
Now I looked down, too. "Oh."
November. It was the end of September...that wasn't all that far away, just around a month really. We were silent a moment longer, processing our impending separation, then Kellan grabbed my hand. Squeezing it as he placed a light kiss on my lips, he nodded over at the bar doors. I took a deep inhale and nodded back. A part of me didn't want to go back through those doors. It felt like everything I knew would change once I stepped over the threshold. That was a ridiculous feeling of course-everything had already changed.
Pulling on my hand, Kellan led me through the doors. Curious bar patrons eyed us as we entered, maybe to see if I was red and splotchy...maybe to see if Kellan had a black eye. Since we both looked the same, although much more melancholy than before, they soon shifted back to their own conversations.
Sighing, Kellan led us back to his table. The guys were all still there, waiting for him, waiting for his answer. Since Kellan was the front man for the band, they pretty much couldn't do anything without him. They could certainly try and replace him, head out on their own with another singer, but it wouldn't be the same without Kellan's talent. I couldn't even picture the D-bags without their head D-bag. And I knew that most of the guys felt that way as well. Evan especially would rather hang it up than quit on Kellan. So they sat, and waited for him to tell them if their dream was a go or not.
Arms crossed over his chest, Griffin glared at me. I felt like Yoko walking up to their table, clutching my man's hand. Matt watched me respectfully, but his face was full of disappointment; he wanted this so bad. Evan was the only one that looked a little lost, too. I knew he wanted the success-what rock star member wouldn't want to hit it big-but his heart was anchored in Seattle. Jenny. He'd be torn from her just as surely as Kellan was being torn from me. He smiled sympathetically at me as I stepped to the edge of the threesome.
Kellan cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair and all of their eyes shifted back to him. Exhaling in a long, controlled way, he took a moment to gather himself, then locked eyes with Matt. "I'm in," was all he told him.
Matt jumped up from beside the table as a chorus of excitement erupted from the guys. Throwing an arm around Kellan's shoulder, the blond's slim face was ear-to-ear smiles. "This is gonna be great, Kell. You'll see." He nodded enthusiastically as Evan and Griffin stood and swarmed around Kellan.
After that there was playful shoving and elbow ribbing. Evan grabbed Kellan's head and rumpled his hair as he laughed. Griffin stepped in-between Kellan and I, jarring us loose as he slugged him in the shoulder. As all of them animatedly talked about their upcoming adventure, I found myself forced back a few steps, watching them from a distance.
Meeting my gaze, he shrugged. "It's a six month tour, Kiera...coast to coast." I bit my lip. My eyes started stinging as I considered just what that meant for us. He'd be leaving, for quite a while.
Forcing a smile, even though I wanted to feel as melancholy as he did, I shook my head. "It's okay. Six months isn't so long. And you'd have breaks, right? I'd still get to see you?"
He nodded and looked down. "I don't have to go, Kiera." Looking back up at me, he shook his head. "I can tell the guys no."
My mouth dropped open as I realized what the band had been fighting about. He'd told them no in the bar, because he didn't want to leave me. Tilting my head, I searched his face. "This is your dream, Kellan, and this could be it for you. This could be your moment, your chance. Isn't this what you want?"
He shrugged, looking over my shoulder to the bar. "I'm fine with my life the way it is. Playing at Pete's," he looked back at me, "being with you."
Running my hand back through his hair, I pressed our bodies together. "But you know you're too talented to keep doing that forever, Kellan. Even though I'd like to keep you to myself, I know that I can't hide you away from the world." He looked at the ground and I sunk down to meet his eyes. "And it's not just your dream, Kellan." I glanced back at the bar and he followed my gaze. "You know how much this means to them." Looking back at him, I shrugged. "You can't say no because of me."
"I know." He sighed. "They're the only reason I'm even talking to you about this right now." Shaking his head, he added, "But, Kiera...you have another year of school, you can't come with me. I don't want to leave you..."
I shook my head, cutting him off. "Not because of me, Kellan." Feeling tears sting my eyes again, I swallowed hard. I was going to miss him so much, but I couldn't keep him from this. I couldn't be that person...again. "I won't keep another man from his dream," I whispered.
He pulled me in tight, clasping me to him like I was going to vanish. I felt like sobbing but I knew that I couldn't, not when I could feel him shaking in my arms. Concerned, I whispered in his ear, "You're scared, Kellan...why? You never get scared."
He shook his head. "That's not true. I'm scared all the time." I pulled back to look at him with furrowed brows and he swallowed. "I remember, Kiera." I furrowed my brows even more and he shook his head. "I remember when Denny left you...what it did to you." His eyes searching mine, he whispered, "I remember how we got together."
Heat pricked me as what he was saying sunk in. He thought if he left, I'd cheat. I'd be so lonely and pathetic without out him that I'd reach out to the next available man and do...exactly what I'd done to Denny. Knowing I couldn't hate him for his fear, but feeling the anger anyway, I pushed him back from me. "You won't leave me because when Denny left..."
"I know you don't like being alone," he murmured.
Anger stirring my belly, I spat out, "I'm not going to freak out because you're gone and cheat on you. I'm not... I wouldn't..." I stammered with something that didn't sound childish. "Why would you think I would do that to you?"
"Because I was there...when Denny thought the exact same thing, when he thought you'd never cheat on him either." He sighed and tried to wrap me in his embrace again but I kept him at arm's length.
I tried to raise my chin, but I felt it quivering as my emotions ran rampant. "That's not fair. I've grown, Kellan. And you and I were a completely different situation. You can't throw that in my face."
Looking apologetic, he shook his head. "I know, I do know that. And I know you've grown, Kiera, but still..." Closing his eyes, he looked away.
Open-mouthed, I could only shake my head at him. "Are you always going to wonder about me?" I whispered. Twisting my lips, I wished we had the sort of relationship where we could smile and congratulate the other, wishing them well, knowing that nothing bad would happen. We didn't have that though. We had doubt and fear, even though I sometimes tried to naively pretend that we didn't.
Peeking up at me, he raised his eyebrows. "Just like you wonder about me? Just earlier today you thought I was cheating on you. You won't worry when I'm gone? I mean, if I go on the road for months...with Griffin...it wouldn't cross your mind?"
My eyes narrowed as I considered just what kind of trouble he could get into with that D-bag. "Well now it will." I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him until he turned away. He sighed, looking out over the parking lot. I sighed as well, my posture relaxing as my residual anger faded. I couldn't be angry with him for wondering about something that I often wondered about too. "I guess we'll just have to try and...trust each other."
When he solemnly nodded, his gaze dropping to our feet, I looked around at where we were-outside, alone. A second wave of understanding hit me. Cupping his cheek, I brought his gaze back up to mine. "Did you tell me this out here because you thought I would break down?"
Nodding, he whispered, "I remember that night that Denny told you he was leaving. I remember holding you while you cried...for him. I saw you when his plane left. You were devastated, like a part of you had left with him. I don't want to hurt you like that, Kiera."
His eyes saddened as he looked over mine...over my completely dry ones. Kissing him softly, I rested my forehead against his. "Are you upset that I'm...not more upset. Was this a test?"
Sighing, he shook his head. "I wouldn't test you, Kiera, but I did think you'd...at least cry, maybe beg a little."
He tried to turn away again, but I held him in front of me. "I will. Trust me, when you actually leave, I will be a blubbering wreck. But I meant what I said, Kellan. I've grown. A lot has happened since Denny left me that first time. I've done some maturing." Remembering how I was back then, I shook my head. "I was so scared to be alone." I shrugged my shoulder as he watched me. "I still don't like it, but I'm more secure now, I think. Mistakes in the past have aged me some."
He cracked a small smile. "Ah, the wizened twenty-two year old."
My smile was a small one as well, but some of the earlier tension evaporated in it. "Kellan, you may have a lot more experience, but don't act like you're not the exact same age I am. I've seen your driver's license."
Grinning crookedly, he raised an eyebrow. "The real one?"
Shaking my head at him, I cupped both his cheeks. "Do you think I loved Denny more, because it bothered me so much when he first told me he was leaving?"
Shrugging, his smile turned sad. "Can you blame me for thinking that?"
Enfolding my arms around him, I laid my head on his shoulder. "No, I guess not." We were silent a moment, rocking slightly as we held each other. I waited a moment longer, peace and a bit of sadness creeping into me. "I didn't love him more than I love you, Kellan." Pulling back, I met his eye. "I love you more. I love you enough to let you go and live your dream." I tilted my head and shrugged. "Don't you see...? I love you more."
He smiled softly and I brushed some hair off of his forehead. Running the backs of my fingers down his cheek, I whispered, "And, yes, I will miss you, more than you could possibly imagine, but I know that you have to do this, Kellan. And you know it, too."
Stubbornly, he shook his head. "No, I know that I have to be with you. Everything else is just...details."
I smiled and kissed him. Against his lips I murmured, "This isn't just your dream though, remember." Sighing, I pointed back to the bar, to the other people his decision involved. "There's Evan and Griffin, and Matt...he's worked so hard for this."
He watched my fingers then sighed, "I know..."
Lacing my arms around his neck, I tilted my head at him. "And that's why you'll do this. It's their dream too, and you can't take it away from them...for me, for us."
Leaning his head against mine, he closed his eyes. "I know." We rested against each other for an achingly long time, then Kellan pulled back. "I guess I should go tell Matt the good news," he said, a little sullenly.
I nodded, biting my lip and fighting the tears starting to sting. I'd always suspected this would happen one day, just not necessarily today. "When does the tour start?"
Looking down, he quietly said, "First part of November."
Now I looked down, too. "Oh."
November. It was the end of September...that wasn't all that far away, just around a month really. We were silent a moment longer, processing our impending separation, then Kellan grabbed my hand. Squeezing it as he placed a light kiss on my lips, he nodded over at the bar doors. I took a deep inhale and nodded back. A part of me didn't want to go back through those doors. It felt like everything I knew would change once I stepped over the threshold. That was a ridiculous feeling of course-everything had already changed.
Pulling on my hand, Kellan led me through the doors. Curious bar patrons eyed us as we entered, maybe to see if I was red and splotchy...maybe to see if Kellan had a black eye. Since we both looked the same, although much more melancholy than before, they soon shifted back to their own conversations.
Sighing, Kellan led us back to his table. The guys were all still there, waiting for him, waiting for his answer. Since Kellan was the front man for the band, they pretty much couldn't do anything without him. They could certainly try and replace him, head out on their own with another singer, but it wouldn't be the same without Kellan's talent. I couldn't even picture the D-bags without their head D-bag. And I knew that most of the guys felt that way as well. Evan especially would rather hang it up than quit on Kellan. So they sat, and waited for him to tell them if their dream was a go or not.
Arms crossed over his chest, Griffin glared at me. I felt like Yoko walking up to their table, clutching my man's hand. Matt watched me respectfully, but his face was full of disappointment; he wanted this so bad. Evan was the only one that looked a little lost, too. I knew he wanted the success-what rock star member wouldn't want to hit it big-but his heart was anchored in Seattle. Jenny. He'd be torn from her just as surely as Kellan was being torn from me. He smiled sympathetically at me as I stepped to the edge of the threesome.
Kellan cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair and all of their eyes shifted back to him. Exhaling in a long, controlled way, he took a moment to gather himself, then locked eyes with Matt. "I'm in," was all he told him.
Matt jumped up from beside the table as a chorus of excitement erupted from the guys. Throwing an arm around Kellan's shoulder, the blond's slim face was ear-to-ear smiles. "This is gonna be great, Kell. You'll see." He nodded enthusiastically as Evan and Griffin stood and swarmed around Kellan.
After that there was playful shoving and elbow ribbing. Evan grabbed Kellan's head and rumpled his hair as he laughed. Griffin stepped in-between Kellan and I, jarring us loose as he slugged him in the shoulder. As all of them animatedly talked about their upcoming adventure, I found myself forced back a few steps, watching them from a distance.
