He smiled, looking relieved. "I'll miss you too. I'll call you tonight, okay?"
I nodded, giving him a final kiss before heading to the gate. Kellan waved as I walked down the hall, dragging my sister with me. Twisting around as the boys disappeared, Anna giggled and leaned into my side. "See, Kiera, I told you that would be a blast!"
I contained the frustrated sigh I wanted to make. It had been many things, some good, some bad, but none of it was what I'd refer to as a blast. Well, maybe the concert part...that had been a lot of fun. And holding Kellan, kissing him, falling asleep with him, smelling his scent again...that had been fun too.
Smiling up at her, I nodded. "Yeah, you were right. It was...a blast, Anna."
She giggled almost the entire way home.
I was a little melancholy after my adventure with Anna to Boise, thinking about how long Kellan was going to be gone, wondering just what he was keeping from me, wondering how to tell him what I was keeping from him.
Denny, still attentive, even though he had no reason to be, noticed.
Sipping on a green beer, green in honor of today's Irish holiday, St. Patrick's Day, Denny watched me during my shift, concern clear in his warm eyes. It had been two weeks since I'd left Kellan's side, two weeks without any clear answer from him on what he was doing. And Kellan hadn't asked again about what I was doing either. He understood that if I was going to open my door for him, he'd have to open his door for me. And he didn't seem to want to do that.
Sighing as I cleaned off an already-clean table, I felt Denny step up behind me. Looking back at him, dressed in his very debonair work clothes, I watched him look up to where Poetic Bliss was performing on the D-Bag's stage. "It's strange, isn't it? Having someone else play up there?"
I smiled and glanced up to the stage, watching Tuesday jam out a solo on her guitar. Tuesday...ridiculous name. "Yeah, it's definitely...odd."
"You alright, Kiera? You've seemed down since your trip. Something happen in Boise?" Denny looked back at me and raised his eyebrows, holding my gaze.
I bit my lip and looked down at the table. No one else had asked me about my mood. No one else had even noticed, not even Jenny. Of course, she'd missed the impromptu trip and had been a little sullen about the whole thing. It had surprised me a little, since Jenny was so easygoing about everything, but she missed Evan as much as I missed Kellan, so I understood her being a little snippy...even though I apologized for not inviting her every chance that I got.
"I don't know," I admitted. "Maybe..."
I looked back up at him, at his bunched brows and the honest concern in his features. "You want to talk about it?" he asked softly, just over the volume of the music.
Knowing I really didn't have anyone else at the moment to talk about it with, I nodded. "Want to come over after my shift?"
Denny smiled softly and nodded. "Sure. I'll meet you over there. I'm sure everything will be fine, Kiera." He patted my shoulder before turning and walking away.
I smiled at him, amazed by him, and watched as he twisted to go chat with Sam, leaning against the far wall. I've thought it before and I'll probably think it again, Abby is a very lucky lady.
Anna was surprisingly already in bed when I got home, so I was quiet as I put on some water for tea. I didn't generally like the stuff, but if I could put a good dose of honey and a lot of milk in it, it wasn't so bad. But Denny loved it like I loved coffee, so I did it for him.
About ten minutes later, a small knock signaled my ex's arrival. Smiling at his timing, I unlocked the door and I let him in. He gave me a brief, friendly hug, which I returned. Smelling the tea, he walked over to the small kitchen with a goofy grin on his face. "I was just having a craving." He leaned over the cup, inhaling the Earl Grey. "And my favorite, too." He faked a surprised expression. "How did you know?"
I shook my head at him, enjoying the way his accent formed phrases, tweaked syllables, made any plain word interesting. "You're such a dork," I muttered, laughing a little.
Straightening, he grabbed the cup that wasn't half milk. "That's why you love me," he said, starting to drink from it. Realizing what he'd said, he stopped and shook his head a little. "Well, I guess loved would be more accurate."
Denny's face got a little hard on the word and I leaned against the counter and sighed. He may seem completely fine and over what had happened, but he wasn't, not a hundred percent. I didn't blame him. Personally, I couldn't believe he was in my kitchen at all.
Knowing he didn't want any more apologies from me, I shrugged and said, "No, love is still accurate." Sipping his drink, he gave me a look that was both curious, and guarded. Clarifying, I said, "You're my best friend, remember? And best friends love each other."
Setting the drink down, he smiled at me crookedly. "Yeah, I suppose." Frowning slightly, he shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. "So, friend, what's going on with you?"
Watching my untouched cup cool on the counter, I swallowed my pain and my pride. "How did you know I was cheating on you?" I whispered, my heart surging as the guilt hit me like a brick wall. I'd never wanted to ask him that question, but it was suddenly relevant.
I couldn't look at him, but I heard his expression in his silence. I could easily picture his contemplative eyes, slightly filled with pain, but also concern. Finally, his accent filled the room, thicker, like it sometimes got when he was hurting. "You think Kellan's cheating on you?"
I glanced up at him, only mildly surprised. My question hadn't been all that hard to draw conclusions from...and Denny was brilliant. "I don't know...maybe? How did you know? What did I do to make you first start to think it?"
I swallowed again, hating what I was making him say to me, what I was making him talk about. Swallowing, he looked down at his cup. "Uh, I don't know how to answer that, Kiera." He looked up, his dark eyes a little darker. "It was more a feeling than facts. You were...distant, secretive, like you were holding something back, something you wanted to tell me...but couldn't."
My eyes watered, catching the similarities. Denny sighed. "He is cheating on you, isn't he?"
Not able to answer, I only shrugged as a tear dropped to my cheek. Denny watched it fall, but stayed where he was. "I'm sorry, Kiera. I'm not surprised, but I am sorry."
I blinked and straightened. "You thought he would cheat on me?"
Uncrossing his arms, Denny ran a hand back through his hair. Looking uncomfortable, he sighed. "Look, I know you love him, but I've known him a long time, and he's not..." He looked at the ceiling for a second and closed his eyes. Reopening them, he met my eye again. "I like Kellan, I do, but he's not cut out for a relationship with one person. That's never been his style, Kiera. I'm sorry this is happening now, but honestly, I'm more surprised that it didn't happen sooner."
My jaw dropped as I stared at him. I felt like he'd just punched a hole in my heart. It was one thing to have those fears silently, it was another for one of Kellan's friends to confirm them. And even though Denny had good reason to make me hate Kellan, playing that sort of mind game wasn't his style. He wouldn't have said it, if he didn't believe it. Of course, Denny didn't know Kellan as well as I did. Denny only knew a small chunk of Kellan's past.
Walking over to me, he grabbed my hand. "I'm sorry to have to say that to you, I really am, but you should understand who you're involved with. And Kellan...doesn't know how to be faithful, Kiera. He just doesn't."
More tears building, I quickly swiped them away. "You don't know him like I do, Denny. You don't know what he's been through, the pain he fights, how much he's been tortured. You think he just got beat up as a kid, but it's so much worse than that..."
I shut my mouth, not wanting to spill anymore of Kellan's secrets, they weren't mine to spill. Denny bunched his brows at me and frowned. "A bad childhood doesn't make up for being a...for screwing around on people. You can come from a brutal background and still be a decent person. It doesn't give you a free pass to hurt people."
I sighed and looked down. "I know...I'm just saying that there's more to Kellan's story than you know."
"Like what?" he whispered.
I looked up at him but shook my head. "It's not for me to say, I'm sorry."
Denny nodded, his eyes looking a little sad as he realized just how close Kellan and I really were. "Well then, maybe I'm wrong." Exhaling, he shook his head. "But if you think he's cheating on you, Kiera...then he probably is."
I felt another tear drop down my cheek and Denny brushed it off. "I'm sorry," he whispered. I nodded and he added, "Did you tell Kellan about me being back in town?"
Sighing, I shook my head and stared over at the card table. A vase full of bright red roses dressed up the space, the week-old bouquet still in its full glory. Kellan's anniversary present to me. He'd had them delivered to Pete's, but I hadn't been feeling well and had gone home early. I hadn't gotten them until the following night. We'd missed each other on the celebration of our year together, and it felt horribly symbolic.
Denny leaned over to meet my eye. "Why didn't you tell him? And don't tell me that it was because you were sparing his feelings. That may be part of it, but what's the real reason you didn't tell him?"
I stared at Denny, wishing I could just walk away from this painful conversation. Knowing I couldn't, I shrugged and whispered, "He's hiding something from me, and if he was going to hide something from me...then I wanted to hide something from him."
A sob escaped me as I admitted that, and Denny wrapped his arms around me, finally. I held him close as my tears of fear and frustration took me over. Hating myself, for feeling what I felt, for admitting it to Denny, I took a brief moment to completely fall apart. Denny only held me, not commenting as he rubbed my back. I could only imagine that he was thanking fate that his new relationship wasn't so complicated.
When I could breathe again, Denny released me and freshened up our tea. Moving to sit on the couch, I told him everything I worried about-the fans, the exotic record rep that could probably pose for all of the major fashion magazines, the weird texts and phone calls that Kellan hid from me, the fact that Kellan knew I was holding something back...and he let it go, because he didn't want to talk about what he was holding back.
Denny listened, not really commenting on Kellan's behavior. He also didn't try to dissuade my fears by giving me false hope. Once he heard all of the facts, he never once told me it was nothing, or it would be okay, or I was overreacting. He only listened and nodded, and I suddenly realized why people gave each other unfounded reassurance. Not hearing, "It's probably nothing," from the person you were divulging your fears to, made those fears seem completely warranted, even if you didn't have enough proof to back them up.
When I was done, and I had nothing more to say, Denny picked at a seam in the couch, maybe wondering what to say as well. I watched him, feeling empty and tired inside. Then he spotted something and leaned into the ugly, orange sofa. Using both hands, he pried something out of a hole in the fabric, a hole I barely registered anymore.
I nodded, giving him a final kiss before heading to the gate. Kellan waved as I walked down the hall, dragging my sister with me. Twisting around as the boys disappeared, Anna giggled and leaned into my side. "See, Kiera, I told you that would be a blast!"
I contained the frustrated sigh I wanted to make. It had been many things, some good, some bad, but none of it was what I'd refer to as a blast. Well, maybe the concert part...that had been a lot of fun. And holding Kellan, kissing him, falling asleep with him, smelling his scent again...that had been fun too.
Smiling up at her, I nodded. "Yeah, you were right. It was...a blast, Anna."
She giggled almost the entire way home.
I was a little melancholy after my adventure with Anna to Boise, thinking about how long Kellan was going to be gone, wondering just what he was keeping from me, wondering how to tell him what I was keeping from him.
Denny, still attentive, even though he had no reason to be, noticed.
Sipping on a green beer, green in honor of today's Irish holiday, St. Patrick's Day, Denny watched me during my shift, concern clear in his warm eyes. It had been two weeks since I'd left Kellan's side, two weeks without any clear answer from him on what he was doing. And Kellan hadn't asked again about what I was doing either. He understood that if I was going to open my door for him, he'd have to open his door for me. And he didn't seem to want to do that.
Sighing as I cleaned off an already-clean table, I felt Denny step up behind me. Looking back at him, dressed in his very debonair work clothes, I watched him look up to where Poetic Bliss was performing on the D-Bag's stage. "It's strange, isn't it? Having someone else play up there?"
I smiled and glanced up to the stage, watching Tuesday jam out a solo on her guitar. Tuesday...ridiculous name. "Yeah, it's definitely...odd."
"You alright, Kiera? You've seemed down since your trip. Something happen in Boise?" Denny looked back at me and raised his eyebrows, holding my gaze.
I bit my lip and looked down at the table. No one else had asked me about my mood. No one else had even noticed, not even Jenny. Of course, she'd missed the impromptu trip and had been a little sullen about the whole thing. It had surprised me a little, since Jenny was so easygoing about everything, but she missed Evan as much as I missed Kellan, so I understood her being a little snippy...even though I apologized for not inviting her every chance that I got.
"I don't know," I admitted. "Maybe..."
I looked back up at him, at his bunched brows and the honest concern in his features. "You want to talk about it?" he asked softly, just over the volume of the music.
Knowing I really didn't have anyone else at the moment to talk about it with, I nodded. "Want to come over after my shift?"
Denny smiled softly and nodded. "Sure. I'll meet you over there. I'm sure everything will be fine, Kiera." He patted my shoulder before turning and walking away.
I smiled at him, amazed by him, and watched as he twisted to go chat with Sam, leaning against the far wall. I've thought it before and I'll probably think it again, Abby is a very lucky lady.
Anna was surprisingly already in bed when I got home, so I was quiet as I put on some water for tea. I didn't generally like the stuff, but if I could put a good dose of honey and a lot of milk in it, it wasn't so bad. But Denny loved it like I loved coffee, so I did it for him.
About ten minutes later, a small knock signaled my ex's arrival. Smiling at his timing, I unlocked the door and I let him in. He gave me a brief, friendly hug, which I returned. Smelling the tea, he walked over to the small kitchen with a goofy grin on his face. "I was just having a craving." He leaned over the cup, inhaling the Earl Grey. "And my favorite, too." He faked a surprised expression. "How did you know?"
I shook my head at him, enjoying the way his accent formed phrases, tweaked syllables, made any plain word interesting. "You're such a dork," I muttered, laughing a little.
Straightening, he grabbed the cup that wasn't half milk. "That's why you love me," he said, starting to drink from it. Realizing what he'd said, he stopped and shook his head a little. "Well, I guess loved would be more accurate."
Denny's face got a little hard on the word and I leaned against the counter and sighed. He may seem completely fine and over what had happened, but he wasn't, not a hundred percent. I didn't blame him. Personally, I couldn't believe he was in my kitchen at all.
Knowing he didn't want any more apologies from me, I shrugged and said, "No, love is still accurate." Sipping his drink, he gave me a look that was both curious, and guarded. Clarifying, I said, "You're my best friend, remember? And best friends love each other."
Setting the drink down, he smiled at me crookedly. "Yeah, I suppose." Frowning slightly, he shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. "So, friend, what's going on with you?"
Watching my untouched cup cool on the counter, I swallowed my pain and my pride. "How did you know I was cheating on you?" I whispered, my heart surging as the guilt hit me like a brick wall. I'd never wanted to ask him that question, but it was suddenly relevant.
I couldn't look at him, but I heard his expression in his silence. I could easily picture his contemplative eyes, slightly filled with pain, but also concern. Finally, his accent filled the room, thicker, like it sometimes got when he was hurting. "You think Kellan's cheating on you?"
I glanced up at him, only mildly surprised. My question hadn't been all that hard to draw conclusions from...and Denny was brilliant. "I don't know...maybe? How did you know? What did I do to make you first start to think it?"
I swallowed again, hating what I was making him say to me, what I was making him talk about. Swallowing, he looked down at his cup. "Uh, I don't know how to answer that, Kiera." He looked up, his dark eyes a little darker. "It was more a feeling than facts. You were...distant, secretive, like you were holding something back, something you wanted to tell me...but couldn't."
My eyes watered, catching the similarities. Denny sighed. "He is cheating on you, isn't he?"
Not able to answer, I only shrugged as a tear dropped to my cheek. Denny watched it fall, but stayed where he was. "I'm sorry, Kiera. I'm not surprised, but I am sorry."
I blinked and straightened. "You thought he would cheat on me?"
Uncrossing his arms, Denny ran a hand back through his hair. Looking uncomfortable, he sighed. "Look, I know you love him, but I've known him a long time, and he's not..." He looked at the ceiling for a second and closed his eyes. Reopening them, he met my eye again. "I like Kellan, I do, but he's not cut out for a relationship with one person. That's never been his style, Kiera. I'm sorry this is happening now, but honestly, I'm more surprised that it didn't happen sooner."
My jaw dropped as I stared at him. I felt like he'd just punched a hole in my heart. It was one thing to have those fears silently, it was another for one of Kellan's friends to confirm them. And even though Denny had good reason to make me hate Kellan, playing that sort of mind game wasn't his style. He wouldn't have said it, if he didn't believe it. Of course, Denny didn't know Kellan as well as I did. Denny only knew a small chunk of Kellan's past.
Walking over to me, he grabbed my hand. "I'm sorry to have to say that to you, I really am, but you should understand who you're involved with. And Kellan...doesn't know how to be faithful, Kiera. He just doesn't."
More tears building, I quickly swiped them away. "You don't know him like I do, Denny. You don't know what he's been through, the pain he fights, how much he's been tortured. You think he just got beat up as a kid, but it's so much worse than that..."
I shut my mouth, not wanting to spill anymore of Kellan's secrets, they weren't mine to spill. Denny bunched his brows at me and frowned. "A bad childhood doesn't make up for being a...for screwing around on people. You can come from a brutal background and still be a decent person. It doesn't give you a free pass to hurt people."
I sighed and looked down. "I know...I'm just saying that there's more to Kellan's story than you know."
"Like what?" he whispered.
I looked up at him but shook my head. "It's not for me to say, I'm sorry."
Denny nodded, his eyes looking a little sad as he realized just how close Kellan and I really were. "Well then, maybe I'm wrong." Exhaling, he shook his head. "But if you think he's cheating on you, Kiera...then he probably is."
I felt another tear drop down my cheek and Denny brushed it off. "I'm sorry," he whispered. I nodded and he added, "Did you tell Kellan about me being back in town?"
Sighing, I shook my head and stared over at the card table. A vase full of bright red roses dressed up the space, the week-old bouquet still in its full glory. Kellan's anniversary present to me. He'd had them delivered to Pete's, but I hadn't been feeling well and had gone home early. I hadn't gotten them until the following night. We'd missed each other on the celebration of our year together, and it felt horribly symbolic.
Denny leaned over to meet my eye. "Why didn't you tell him? And don't tell me that it was because you were sparing his feelings. That may be part of it, but what's the real reason you didn't tell him?"
I stared at Denny, wishing I could just walk away from this painful conversation. Knowing I couldn't, I shrugged and whispered, "He's hiding something from me, and if he was going to hide something from me...then I wanted to hide something from him."
A sob escaped me as I admitted that, and Denny wrapped his arms around me, finally. I held him close as my tears of fear and frustration took me over. Hating myself, for feeling what I felt, for admitting it to Denny, I took a brief moment to completely fall apart. Denny only held me, not commenting as he rubbed my back. I could only imagine that he was thanking fate that his new relationship wasn't so complicated.
When I could breathe again, Denny released me and freshened up our tea. Moving to sit on the couch, I told him everything I worried about-the fans, the exotic record rep that could probably pose for all of the major fashion magazines, the weird texts and phone calls that Kellan hid from me, the fact that Kellan knew I was holding something back...and he let it go, because he didn't want to talk about what he was holding back.
Denny listened, not really commenting on Kellan's behavior. He also didn't try to dissuade my fears by giving me false hope. Once he heard all of the facts, he never once told me it was nothing, or it would be okay, or I was overreacting. He only listened and nodded, and I suddenly realized why people gave each other unfounded reassurance. Not hearing, "It's probably nothing," from the person you were divulging your fears to, made those fears seem completely warranted, even if you didn't have enough proof to back them up.
When I was done, and I had nothing more to say, Denny picked at a seam in the couch, maybe wondering what to say as well. I watched him, feeling empty and tired inside. Then he spotted something and leaned into the ugly, orange sofa. Using both hands, he pried something out of a hole in the fabric, a hole I barely registered anymore.
