Kate, Jenny and I sat in a booth in the back, since we planned on hanging out here for a while. Rachel joined our group after Jenny texted her, and the party of four quickly turned into a gossip session about boys. Kate especially stroked the conversation, wanting to hear all about our loves, since she still didn't have one.
Biting my lip, I thought about mine. I thought about Kellan and the thing he was hiding from me. He'd almost told me a couple of times, and that last time, the time before our intimate session over the phone, he'd been choked up over how to do it.
His words flew through my brain as Rachel quietly admitted that Matt was an excellent kisser.
God, this is hard...
Kellan's words mixed with Denny's warning in my brain and ice formed in my stomach.
If you think he's cheating on you, Kiera...then he probably is...
Finally getting a chance to think about it, now that the stress with my sister was on a back burner for a moment, I considered all of the conversations with Kellan recently. While always sounding glad to talk to me, and always eager to try and turn me on, he also seemed...worn, tired, like he was carrying a weight with him.
I didn't know what that meant, but my heart told me it wasn't good. My heart told me he'd fallen for someone else, and he didn't know how to tell me. I understood how it could happen...it had happened to me after all, but it killed me that he was stringing me along, biding his time to rip my heart out. Like Denny must have thought at some point, it would just be better if he told me...better to know, than constantly wonder.
Feeling a well of despair start to creep up on me, I stared at my creamy coffee and ignored the conversations flowing around me. A chin on my shoulder brought me back to the present. Tilting her head at me, Jenny asked, "You alright? You sort of look like your sister did earlier."
I glanced at Rachel and Kate, the pair deep in a conversation about who Kate could start seeing. Looking back at Jenny, I worried my lip and considered what I should say to her. She'd just seen the guys. Had she noticed anything? Had Evan said anything?
Curiosity burning holes in my stomach, I finally asked, "When you were out visiting the boys...how was Kellan?"
Jenny blinked, not expecting my question. "Uh, fine, I guess. Why?"
Looking back down, I shrugged. "I don't know. I just feel like he...wants to tell me something..."
"Maybe you're just deferring your own guilt?"
I looked back at her after her comment and she raised a pale eyebrow. "You know, because you haven't told him about Denny being in town...right?" Shaking her head, she added, "I'm guessing that he knows nothing about how much time the two of you spend together."
I sighed, shaking my head. "No, I haven't told him yet, but I will, I just..." My eyes watered on me and Jenny's disapproving scowl faded. "I need to know what he's hiding first," I whispered.
Jenny's face softened as she put an arm around me. "Hey, it's okay, Kiera. I mean, I didn't notice anything suspicious, and Evan would have told me if Kellan was...doing anything wrong."
I swallowed, secretively wiping my eyes. Glancing at the pair across from us, still deep in their own conversation, I muttered, "Kellan's good at hiding things if he needs to...Evan had no idea about the two of us, remember?"
Sighing, Jenny pulled me into her shoulder. "Yeah, but Kellan is so in love with you...he wouldn't cheat on you." She whispered it, but I felt like it crashed around the room.
I cringed, swallowing back more tears. I really didn't want to break down in front of Kate and Rachel. I didn't want to discuss this with a table of people. Really, I wanted to push it back to the far corner of my brain where I never thought about it...that would be wonderful.
Trying to cheer me up, Jenny spunkily said, "Besides, I only ever saw him on his phone, talking to you. Would he talk to you so much if he were cheating on you?"
All of the color drained from my face. "He was on the phone? A lot?"
Bunching her brows, she nodded. "Yeah...with you...right?"
I slowly shook my head. My sister had been such a mess the week that Jenny and Rachel were gone, that I'd barely had time to answer my phone, let alone talk to Kellan. In fact, the only times I had talked to him were really late at night, after Anna had finally passed out from exhaustion. Jenny would have surely been asleep as well during those conversations, so whoever she'd seen him talking to...it hadn't been me.
Clutching her arm, I leaned forward intently. "What was he saying on the phone? Did he sound...happy, in love?"
My voice broke on the word and Jenny's pale eyes glassed over. Shaking her head, she murmured, "I thought he was talking to you..."
Near hysterics in my voice, I tugged on her arm. "What did he say?"
She swallowed, shaking her head. "I don't...I wasn't paying attention, but...he..." She swallowed again, her eyes nearly to the brim now with sympathetic tears. "He was laughing...he seemed...happy."
Feeling like I was going to start hyperventilating, I stood up. Jenny started to stand with me, but I held my hand up. "I just...need a minute."
I quickly dashed to the bathroom, hoping Jenny and the others would let me fall apart alone. She'd practically confirmed my greatest fear. Kellan was involved with someone else, someone who made him laugh. And I bet she was gorgeous, too...
My hand was over my mouth and I was holding in the sobs as I sank against the cool, tile wall. Letting myself slide down it, I sat on the floor and dropped my head into my hands. How could he do this to me? Was it payback, for all the times I'd hurt him? Was it the universe getting even with me, for being so awful to Denny? Or was Kellan really just the sex addict that Candy had made him out to be, and this was an inevitability?
Maybe Kellan had found that going months without physically being with a woman was impossible, and he'd caved. It happened all the time, so I don't know why it surprised me. Maybe because I'd expected more from Kellan. Maybe I'd expected too much.
Sobbing uncontrollably now, I let every doubt in my body leech out through my tears.
"Kiera? You okay?"
I glanced up to see a blonde in the doorway staring down at me. It wasn't the blonde I'd been expecting, though. It wasn't Jenny...it was my friend from school, Cheyenne. Wiping my eyes, I quickly muttered, "It's nothing," and started to stand.
She came up to me and helped me up. "You sure? You look devastated." Her eyes widened. "Did something bad happen? Is everything okay?"
Feeling a little strange, since Cheyenne and I mainly had an academic relationship, I shrugged and again said, "It's nothing, I'm fine."
Squaring my shoulders, she looked me in the eye. "It's not fine and you're not okay." Softening her face, she said, "I know we haven't known each other all that long, Kiera, but you can talk to me."
Smiling at her gesture, eased by the warmth in her mild accent, I leaned back into the wall and swiped my eyes dry. "It's just...Kellan. I think he's seeing someone else." My gut felt torn in half, just admitting it to someone.
Cheyenne's arms immediately wrapped around me. "Oh God, Kiera, I'm so sorry." She pulled back to look at me, her face warm and open. "I know you really liked him, are you sure?"
I shrugged, sighing. "No, I'm not sure of anything right now...except men suck." I sniffled and smiled a bit, but Cheyenne twisted her lip at me.
Stepping back, she threaded her fingers through her hair. She almost seemed nervous and I cocked an eyebrow at her. Swallowing, she looked around the empty bathroom. "Okay, I know I'm going to sound like an idiot, but, I think you're really great and smart and funny, and I know you like guys, but I was wondering if..."
My eyes widened as I listened to her. Was she saying she...dug me? Was I not so far off in thinking that she liked me? Wondering how to let someone down easy, since I had zero experience in that, I took a step forward. "Oh, um, Cheyenne, I think you're great, too, and I like you-"
She visibly brightened and I stammered for a way to change what I'd been about to say. "No, I mean I like you, like you...not...like you, like you...like you..."
Yeah, even I was lost by my explanation, but Cheyenne didn't seem to care anymore. I'd said I liked her, and that seemed to be enough. Smiling ear-to-ear, she exclaimed, "Oh, I like you too!" Then she grabbed my face.
I didn't even know how to react. There is just no course on what to do or say in this situation, at least, none I'd ever taken...but maybe I should.
She brought her lips down to mine, pressing us firmly together before softly moving against me. I had just enough time to think, huh, that's different, before I pushed her shoulders back. Her eyes were wide as she stared at me. I thought she looked mortified at herself, and I couldn't help but feel bad for her. Being rejected was no easy thing.
Stammering, she stepped back from me. "Sorry, oh God, I'm sorry. I thought you...I'm sorry."
Sighing that I was misleading to even my own sex, I shook my head. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you think..." Exhaling, I switched to blunt honesty. "I'm not attracted to girls, Cheyenne. No offense or anything, but I like men...even philandering ones."
I sighed sadly as she flushed bright red. "Of course, I knew that...I really did. You have a boyfriend and you love him. I was just...caught up in the moment, and I've really liked you for a while and..." She closed her eyes and dropped her head back. "God, I'm an idiot."
Chuckling at how similar to me she actually was, I shook my head. "No, you're not, and it's fine, Cheyenne...really."
Groaning, she looked back down at me. "So, do you never want to see me again?"
I blinked, tilting my head. "Why would you think that?"
She flung her hands at where our moment had just happened. "Because I totally took advantage of you." She gave me a sad smile. "Because I like you."
I looked down, shaking my head again. "Of course, I still want to see you," I looked up, "as a friend and schoolmate, but that's all we'll ever be...I'm sorry."
Her eyes watered but she smiled. "I know. I've always known it wouldn't happen. I guess I just...hoped."
I nodded at her, not knowing what else to say. Maybe having had enough embarrassment for one day, she grabbed the door handle. "Well, I should go." She pulled open the door, then raised an eyebrow at me. "We're still studying next week...right?"
Containing a sigh, I smiled. "Sure, yeah." I knew from now on I'd have to be more careful around the girl. I didn't want to hurt her in any way. But, you can't help who you fall for. I knew that from experience.
As she walked away, I considered one good thing from the encounter-she'd stunned me out of my moment of agony, that was for sure. And I could now cross "being kissed by a girl" off my bucket list.
I was still stunned when I got home after my shift at the bar. I hadn't mentioned the kiss to the girls at the table, and really, when I'd returned all they'd cared to know about was why I'd left. Jenny hadn't told them about our conversation and I thanked her for that later.
I was wondering if Cheyenne was going to be a problem at school now, a new one to replace Candy, since her path had finally deviated from mine. In fact, last I heard, Candy had went and gotten herself pregnant. Seemed to be going around these days.
Biting my lip, I thought about mine. I thought about Kellan and the thing he was hiding from me. He'd almost told me a couple of times, and that last time, the time before our intimate session over the phone, he'd been choked up over how to do it.
His words flew through my brain as Rachel quietly admitted that Matt was an excellent kisser.
God, this is hard...
Kellan's words mixed with Denny's warning in my brain and ice formed in my stomach.
If you think he's cheating on you, Kiera...then he probably is...
Finally getting a chance to think about it, now that the stress with my sister was on a back burner for a moment, I considered all of the conversations with Kellan recently. While always sounding glad to talk to me, and always eager to try and turn me on, he also seemed...worn, tired, like he was carrying a weight with him.
I didn't know what that meant, but my heart told me it wasn't good. My heart told me he'd fallen for someone else, and he didn't know how to tell me. I understood how it could happen...it had happened to me after all, but it killed me that he was stringing me along, biding his time to rip my heart out. Like Denny must have thought at some point, it would just be better if he told me...better to know, than constantly wonder.
Feeling a well of despair start to creep up on me, I stared at my creamy coffee and ignored the conversations flowing around me. A chin on my shoulder brought me back to the present. Tilting her head at me, Jenny asked, "You alright? You sort of look like your sister did earlier."
I glanced at Rachel and Kate, the pair deep in a conversation about who Kate could start seeing. Looking back at Jenny, I worried my lip and considered what I should say to her. She'd just seen the guys. Had she noticed anything? Had Evan said anything?
Curiosity burning holes in my stomach, I finally asked, "When you were out visiting the boys...how was Kellan?"
Jenny blinked, not expecting my question. "Uh, fine, I guess. Why?"
Looking back down, I shrugged. "I don't know. I just feel like he...wants to tell me something..."
"Maybe you're just deferring your own guilt?"
I looked back at her after her comment and she raised a pale eyebrow. "You know, because you haven't told him about Denny being in town...right?" Shaking her head, she added, "I'm guessing that he knows nothing about how much time the two of you spend together."
I sighed, shaking my head. "No, I haven't told him yet, but I will, I just..." My eyes watered on me and Jenny's disapproving scowl faded. "I need to know what he's hiding first," I whispered.
Jenny's face softened as she put an arm around me. "Hey, it's okay, Kiera. I mean, I didn't notice anything suspicious, and Evan would have told me if Kellan was...doing anything wrong."
I swallowed, secretively wiping my eyes. Glancing at the pair across from us, still deep in their own conversation, I muttered, "Kellan's good at hiding things if he needs to...Evan had no idea about the two of us, remember?"
Sighing, Jenny pulled me into her shoulder. "Yeah, but Kellan is so in love with you...he wouldn't cheat on you." She whispered it, but I felt like it crashed around the room.
I cringed, swallowing back more tears. I really didn't want to break down in front of Kate and Rachel. I didn't want to discuss this with a table of people. Really, I wanted to push it back to the far corner of my brain where I never thought about it...that would be wonderful.
Trying to cheer me up, Jenny spunkily said, "Besides, I only ever saw him on his phone, talking to you. Would he talk to you so much if he were cheating on you?"
All of the color drained from my face. "He was on the phone? A lot?"
Bunching her brows, she nodded. "Yeah...with you...right?"
I slowly shook my head. My sister had been such a mess the week that Jenny and Rachel were gone, that I'd barely had time to answer my phone, let alone talk to Kellan. In fact, the only times I had talked to him were really late at night, after Anna had finally passed out from exhaustion. Jenny would have surely been asleep as well during those conversations, so whoever she'd seen him talking to...it hadn't been me.
Clutching her arm, I leaned forward intently. "What was he saying on the phone? Did he sound...happy, in love?"
My voice broke on the word and Jenny's pale eyes glassed over. Shaking her head, she murmured, "I thought he was talking to you..."
Near hysterics in my voice, I tugged on her arm. "What did he say?"
She swallowed, shaking her head. "I don't...I wasn't paying attention, but...he..." She swallowed again, her eyes nearly to the brim now with sympathetic tears. "He was laughing...he seemed...happy."
Feeling like I was going to start hyperventilating, I stood up. Jenny started to stand with me, but I held my hand up. "I just...need a minute."
I quickly dashed to the bathroom, hoping Jenny and the others would let me fall apart alone. She'd practically confirmed my greatest fear. Kellan was involved with someone else, someone who made him laugh. And I bet she was gorgeous, too...
My hand was over my mouth and I was holding in the sobs as I sank against the cool, tile wall. Letting myself slide down it, I sat on the floor and dropped my head into my hands. How could he do this to me? Was it payback, for all the times I'd hurt him? Was it the universe getting even with me, for being so awful to Denny? Or was Kellan really just the sex addict that Candy had made him out to be, and this was an inevitability?
Maybe Kellan had found that going months without physically being with a woman was impossible, and he'd caved. It happened all the time, so I don't know why it surprised me. Maybe because I'd expected more from Kellan. Maybe I'd expected too much.
Sobbing uncontrollably now, I let every doubt in my body leech out through my tears.
"Kiera? You okay?"
I glanced up to see a blonde in the doorway staring down at me. It wasn't the blonde I'd been expecting, though. It wasn't Jenny...it was my friend from school, Cheyenne. Wiping my eyes, I quickly muttered, "It's nothing," and started to stand.
She came up to me and helped me up. "You sure? You look devastated." Her eyes widened. "Did something bad happen? Is everything okay?"
Feeling a little strange, since Cheyenne and I mainly had an academic relationship, I shrugged and again said, "It's nothing, I'm fine."
Squaring my shoulders, she looked me in the eye. "It's not fine and you're not okay." Softening her face, she said, "I know we haven't known each other all that long, Kiera, but you can talk to me."
Smiling at her gesture, eased by the warmth in her mild accent, I leaned back into the wall and swiped my eyes dry. "It's just...Kellan. I think he's seeing someone else." My gut felt torn in half, just admitting it to someone.
Cheyenne's arms immediately wrapped around me. "Oh God, Kiera, I'm so sorry." She pulled back to look at me, her face warm and open. "I know you really liked him, are you sure?"
I shrugged, sighing. "No, I'm not sure of anything right now...except men suck." I sniffled and smiled a bit, but Cheyenne twisted her lip at me.
Stepping back, she threaded her fingers through her hair. She almost seemed nervous and I cocked an eyebrow at her. Swallowing, she looked around the empty bathroom. "Okay, I know I'm going to sound like an idiot, but, I think you're really great and smart and funny, and I know you like guys, but I was wondering if..."
My eyes widened as I listened to her. Was she saying she...dug me? Was I not so far off in thinking that she liked me? Wondering how to let someone down easy, since I had zero experience in that, I took a step forward. "Oh, um, Cheyenne, I think you're great, too, and I like you-"
She visibly brightened and I stammered for a way to change what I'd been about to say. "No, I mean I like you, like you...not...like you, like you...like you..."
Yeah, even I was lost by my explanation, but Cheyenne didn't seem to care anymore. I'd said I liked her, and that seemed to be enough. Smiling ear-to-ear, she exclaimed, "Oh, I like you too!" Then she grabbed my face.
I didn't even know how to react. There is just no course on what to do or say in this situation, at least, none I'd ever taken...but maybe I should.
She brought her lips down to mine, pressing us firmly together before softly moving against me. I had just enough time to think, huh, that's different, before I pushed her shoulders back. Her eyes were wide as she stared at me. I thought she looked mortified at herself, and I couldn't help but feel bad for her. Being rejected was no easy thing.
Stammering, she stepped back from me. "Sorry, oh God, I'm sorry. I thought you...I'm sorry."
Sighing that I was misleading to even my own sex, I shook my head. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you think..." Exhaling, I switched to blunt honesty. "I'm not attracted to girls, Cheyenne. No offense or anything, but I like men...even philandering ones."
I sighed sadly as she flushed bright red. "Of course, I knew that...I really did. You have a boyfriend and you love him. I was just...caught up in the moment, and I've really liked you for a while and..." She closed her eyes and dropped her head back. "God, I'm an idiot."
Chuckling at how similar to me she actually was, I shook my head. "No, you're not, and it's fine, Cheyenne...really."
Groaning, she looked back down at me. "So, do you never want to see me again?"
I blinked, tilting my head. "Why would you think that?"
She flung her hands at where our moment had just happened. "Because I totally took advantage of you." She gave me a sad smile. "Because I like you."
I looked down, shaking my head again. "Of course, I still want to see you," I looked up, "as a friend and schoolmate, but that's all we'll ever be...I'm sorry."
Her eyes watered but she smiled. "I know. I've always known it wouldn't happen. I guess I just...hoped."
I nodded at her, not knowing what else to say. Maybe having had enough embarrassment for one day, she grabbed the door handle. "Well, I should go." She pulled open the door, then raised an eyebrow at me. "We're still studying next week...right?"
Containing a sigh, I smiled. "Sure, yeah." I knew from now on I'd have to be more careful around the girl. I didn't want to hurt her in any way. But, you can't help who you fall for. I knew that from experience.
As she walked away, I considered one good thing from the encounter-she'd stunned me out of my moment of agony, that was for sure. And I could now cross "being kissed by a girl" off my bucket list.
I was still stunned when I got home after my shift at the bar. I hadn't mentioned the kiss to the girls at the table, and really, when I'd returned all they'd cared to know about was why I'd left. Jenny hadn't told them about our conversation and I thanked her for that later.
I was wondering if Cheyenne was going to be a problem at school now, a new one to replace Candy, since her path had finally deviated from mine. In fact, last I heard, Candy had went and gotten herself pregnant. Seemed to be going around these days.
