Anger bursting to life in my chest, I shoved his body away from me. "You son of a bitch! No, you don't get to run away from me. You're always trying to run away from me!" I shoved his chest again and he took a step back. "But not this time. This time...you will talk to me! We talk things out, remember?"
He batted my hands away and successfully grabbed the doorknob behind me. Twisting it, he managed to partly open it. With my shoulder, I body slammed the door closed. Glaring at me, he left his hand on the knob. "I've got nothing to say to you. Get out of my way!"
Anger and hurt mixed in my heart, turning into tears in my eyes, clouding my vision. I sniffed them back, refusing to cry. "Nothing to say? After everything you've done to me?"
His eyes widened in disbelief. God, he was such a good actor. "Me? What I've done to you?" His face hardening back up, he stepped into my body. "You're f**king your ex and I'm the bad guy? Is that how you want to play this, Kiera?"
I shoved him away from me, hard. His hand dislodged from the doorknob and I moved to stand in front of it. My own hands clenched into fists now, I shook my head. "I...am...not...sleeping with Denny! And yes, you-"
Just as I was about to accuse him of everything I feared, he reached down and pulled me away from the door. Arms looped around my waist, he twisted his body and plopped me down on the other side of him. Once free of me, he opened the door again.
Seeing that he really was going to leave, I grabbed his arm with both of mine and tugged with everything I had. His head snapped back to mine, his eyes enraged. "Let me go, Kiera. I'm done. I don't want to be here anymore."
Feeling those tears heavier than before, moments from falling, I snapped, "You weren't done with me ten minutes ago, when you were screwing my brains out!"
A moment of pain flashed over his face and his own eyes moistened. "That...was a mistake."
I swallowed repeatedly, not believing this was really happening. "You said you believed me," I whispered.
Sniffing, he shook his head. "And you said you wouldn't lie to me. Goodbye, Kiera."
I was so startled at hearing him say those words, I dropped his arm. The tears I couldn't hold back anymore splashing on my cheeks, I whispered, "You said there weren't any goodbyes between us..."
Closing his eyes, he dropped his head. When he lifted it back up, a tear rolled down his cheek. "I said a lot of things that weren't true..."
Ice twisting my stomach, making my breathing shallow, I heard myself ask a question that I hadn't given my body permission to ask. "Are you breaking up with me?"
Tilting his head, his glistening eyes searched over my face. Another tear rolled down his skin and I wanted to wipe it away. I wanted to hold his head to me and tell him that he didn't have to be angry, that nothing had happened with Denny, that I'd been faithful to him...that I loved him, more than anything. I couldn't though. I couldn't move.
His eyes drifted down my body then snapped back up to mine. He inhaled deep, then whispered, "Yes, I am."
I heard the sob escape me, even though I hadn't given myself permission for that either. Kellan immediately turned from my grief and disappeared through the front door. As wracking sobs went through me, I stood, frozen in place. Then I heard the roar of his car starting in the distance and sunk to my knees, burying my face in my hands.
That didn't just happen, did it? He didn't just come home unexpectedly, make love to me, then dump me...did he? As the sound of his car got fainter and fainter, the sounds of my tears got louder and louder. Oh God...yes, that did just happen.
I'd lost him...I'd finally lost him.
Chapter 23Nothing to Lose
I'm not sure how long I stayed on that floor, contemplating the drastic shift my life had taken. Before this tour had started, I'd been so sure that Kellan and I were soul mates, destined to be together forever. While I'd had fears that he'd finally wake up and realize that he could do so much better than me, I'd also clung to the belief that he'd never stray because I was the first person he'd let into his heart. I'd believed that that had sealed us, cemented us together. But maybe, all it had done was branded his body. Maybe my name tattooed across his chest was enough, a symbolic representation of how I'd opened him, freed him to love himself...and others.
And now, now that we were over, I was sure he would love again. I was sure that he'd get back on the road, banging groupies left and right until he got over his heartbreak, and then he'd find her. She'd be sweet, maybe shy, and she'd have complete faith in him. Because their relationship wouldn't have started like ours did.
We'd started out with a betrayal. We'd both watched each other lie to a loved one. We'd both watched each other sleep with other people, all the while being in love with one another. Desperately in love. Watching that sort of betrayal, being a part of it...it soured you.
We both knew what we were capable of. Maybe we'd doomed ourselves from the very beginning. Maybe I'd done it. When Denny had come back from Tucson, I should have told him what had happened while he was away. It would have ended us, but we were already over. It would have been a clean break, an honest break. Maybe then, Kellan and I would have had a chance.
Staring at my bedroom ceiling, sleep impossible, I clutched my cell phone, waiting for Kellan to call me and tell me that he didn't mean it, that he hadn't broken up with me. He didn't call though, and I knew that he'd soon be rejoining his band tour...and I'd never see him again.
Biting my lip, I debated if I should break down and call him. What would I say? What could I say? I could only plead my innocence, but Kellan didn't seem to believe me. He had for a brief moment, but then... Whatever faith he'd had in me was gone now. And I really wasn't sure why.
Running my hands back through my hair, I considered calling Anna and asking her to come home. She was staying at a friend's house, finally feeling happy enough to rejoin her social circle. I didn't really want to drag her back down with my depression. Maybe I could call Jenny?
Just as I was considering punching in her numbers, my phone chirped at me, telling me I'd just received a text message. Hoping against hope that Kellan was talking to me, I scanned the screen.
I sighed. It was from Denny, not Kellan. Biting my lip, I opened the message. 'Just checking on you...everything okay?'
Not sure if anything would be okay again, I texted back, 'No...Kellan broke up with me.'
At least, I think that's what I wrote. I couldn't see past the tears to be sure. By Denny's answer, it must have been.
'I'll be there in five.'
I wanted to object, to tell him that he didn't have to give up a night's sleep for me, since he did have to go to work in a few hours. But I didn't respond, because I really didn't want to be alone.
Sniffling into my pillow, I waited for the hole in my heart to stop stabbing me with pain. I waited to not feel like my life was over. That's all I felt, though...that everything was over. Every happiness I was ever going to have in my life, I'd already had. Every joy, I'd already felt. I thought of every time Kellan and I had been together. If I'd known that it would end so abruptly, maybe I would have cherished each moment a little more.
But then I realized...I had. I'd always cataloged every second with him. Memorized every feature about him, every word he'd said, every placed he'd touched. I'd known. Some scared, insecure part of me had known we wouldn't make it...so I'd savored him. My sobs started back up.
My bedroom door cracked open a while later and a soft sigh met my ear. I sat up on an elbow as Denny stood in my doorframe. In my grief, I must not have locked the front door after Kellan left. Then again, even if I'd been thinking straight, I don't think I could have locked the door behind him. I could never shut Kellan out like that.
Denny looked tired as he watched me, his dark eyes sympathetic. Smiling softly, he sat on the edge of my bed, the bed Kellan and I had made love in, not too long ago. "I'm so sorry, Kiera...I really am."
I nodded and threw my arms around Denny. He sighed into my hair as he rubbed my back. As I held him close, I waited to feel...something...for him. I didn't, though. Even in my grief, even knowing Kellan and I were done, I felt nothing for him but an overwhelming desire for his friendship.
Relieved that I felt that way, I squeezed him tighter. "He's gone, Denny. He said he was done. He said goodbye... and he meant it."
Denny sighed again, returning my firm hug. "Is this because of me...or because of what Kellan's been hiding from you?"
I blinked and pulled back to look at him. Denny shrugged. "Maybe he feels guilty for what he's done. Maybe he wanted an out...and you gave him one?"
I sniffled and wiped my face off on a blanket. "I don't know...he won't talk to me." Anger crept into me at the thought that maybe all of that argument had been more about Kellan's guilt over his whore, and not about him catching Denny and I together.
Tightening my jaw, I spat out, "He told me that he believed me about you and I only being friends. Then he had sex with me. Then he dumped me! Who does that?"
I flushed over explaining what had happened with Kellan so bluntly to Denny, but he only sighed and shook his head. "I don't know, Kiera...I'm sorry."
As Denny's eyes flashed over my face, concerned, I saw the same friendship that I felt for him reflected back to me. That's all there was between us on his side, too. Abby had his heart, and she would probably never do to him what Kellan had just done to me. And why did he do it? If Kellan didn't trust me, if he didn't believe me, why didn't he just break up with me? Why have sex with me first? One final romp? God, that...pissed me off.
Pushing back from Denny, I scrunched my brows. "Can you do me a huge favor?"
He nodded, his expression confused but eager to help. "Yeah, of course, anything."
Unraveling myself from my blankets, I stood. "I need a ride, and Anna has the car."
Denny tentatively stood, eyeing me warily as I threw a sweatshirt over the tank top of my pajamas. "Um, a ride where, Kiera?" His accent slid over my name as his question came out slowly and cautiously.
Sliding my feet into some slip-on shoes, I twirled my hair up into a loose ponytail. "A ride to Kellan's."
Denny sighed, apparently fearing that was where I'd wanted to go. "Kiera, maybe you should just let this one go...?"
Standing straight, I glared at him. "I can't...let him go, Denny. I love him, and if he's going to leave me, then I'm going to know why. I'm going to find out the truth." Grabbing Denny's arm, I started pulling him out the door. "Even if I have to beat it out of him..." I muttered.
Denny sighed again.
He was silent on the drive over to Kellan's, probably wondering how to talk me out of this conversation I was about to have. I hoped I'd have the strength to have it, but really, I didn't have anything to lose. Kellan and I were over, what could he possibly say to me now that would hurt worse than that?
More, I just hoped he was home. He could have gone straight back to the airport, trying to catch an immediate flight back to...wherever his band was. I just prayed that he needed a minute to collect himself. Hopefully the end of our relationship was enough to make him need a moment alone.
When his car was in the drive when we pulled up, I exhaled in relief. He was here. At least he was still here. Then my nerves crept up. He was here...and we'd have to have the conversation we'd held off on having for so long. It tightened my stomach and I immediately wanted to go home. Instead, I opened my door.
He batted my hands away and successfully grabbed the doorknob behind me. Twisting it, he managed to partly open it. With my shoulder, I body slammed the door closed. Glaring at me, he left his hand on the knob. "I've got nothing to say to you. Get out of my way!"
Anger and hurt mixed in my heart, turning into tears in my eyes, clouding my vision. I sniffed them back, refusing to cry. "Nothing to say? After everything you've done to me?"
His eyes widened in disbelief. God, he was such a good actor. "Me? What I've done to you?" His face hardening back up, he stepped into my body. "You're f**king your ex and I'm the bad guy? Is that how you want to play this, Kiera?"
I shoved him away from me, hard. His hand dislodged from the doorknob and I moved to stand in front of it. My own hands clenched into fists now, I shook my head. "I...am...not...sleeping with Denny! And yes, you-"
Just as I was about to accuse him of everything I feared, he reached down and pulled me away from the door. Arms looped around my waist, he twisted his body and plopped me down on the other side of him. Once free of me, he opened the door again.
Seeing that he really was going to leave, I grabbed his arm with both of mine and tugged with everything I had. His head snapped back to mine, his eyes enraged. "Let me go, Kiera. I'm done. I don't want to be here anymore."
Feeling those tears heavier than before, moments from falling, I snapped, "You weren't done with me ten minutes ago, when you were screwing my brains out!"
A moment of pain flashed over his face and his own eyes moistened. "That...was a mistake."
I swallowed repeatedly, not believing this was really happening. "You said you believed me," I whispered.
Sniffing, he shook his head. "And you said you wouldn't lie to me. Goodbye, Kiera."
I was so startled at hearing him say those words, I dropped his arm. The tears I couldn't hold back anymore splashing on my cheeks, I whispered, "You said there weren't any goodbyes between us..."
Closing his eyes, he dropped his head. When he lifted it back up, a tear rolled down his cheek. "I said a lot of things that weren't true..."
Ice twisting my stomach, making my breathing shallow, I heard myself ask a question that I hadn't given my body permission to ask. "Are you breaking up with me?"
Tilting his head, his glistening eyes searched over my face. Another tear rolled down his skin and I wanted to wipe it away. I wanted to hold his head to me and tell him that he didn't have to be angry, that nothing had happened with Denny, that I'd been faithful to him...that I loved him, more than anything. I couldn't though. I couldn't move.
His eyes drifted down my body then snapped back up to mine. He inhaled deep, then whispered, "Yes, I am."
I heard the sob escape me, even though I hadn't given myself permission for that either. Kellan immediately turned from my grief and disappeared through the front door. As wracking sobs went through me, I stood, frozen in place. Then I heard the roar of his car starting in the distance and sunk to my knees, burying my face in my hands.
That didn't just happen, did it? He didn't just come home unexpectedly, make love to me, then dump me...did he? As the sound of his car got fainter and fainter, the sounds of my tears got louder and louder. Oh God...yes, that did just happen.
I'd lost him...I'd finally lost him.
Chapter 23Nothing to Lose
I'm not sure how long I stayed on that floor, contemplating the drastic shift my life had taken. Before this tour had started, I'd been so sure that Kellan and I were soul mates, destined to be together forever. While I'd had fears that he'd finally wake up and realize that he could do so much better than me, I'd also clung to the belief that he'd never stray because I was the first person he'd let into his heart. I'd believed that that had sealed us, cemented us together. But maybe, all it had done was branded his body. Maybe my name tattooed across his chest was enough, a symbolic representation of how I'd opened him, freed him to love himself...and others.
And now, now that we were over, I was sure he would love again. I was sure that he'd get back on the road, banging groupies left and right until he got over his heartbreak, and then he'd find her. She'd be sweet, maybe shy, and she'd have complete faith in him. Because their relationship wouldn't have started like ours did.
We'd started out with a betrayal. We'd both watched each other lie to a loved one. We'd both watched each other sleep with other people, all the while being in love with one another. Desperately in love. Watching that sort of betrayal, being a part of it...it soured you.
We both knew what we were capable of. Maybe we'd doomed ourselves from the very beginning. Maybe I'd done it. When Denny had come back from Tucson, I should have told him what had happened while he was away. It would have ended us, but we were already over. It would have been a clean break, an honest break. Maybe then, Kellan and I would have had a chance.
Staring at my bedroom ceiling, sleep impossible, I clutched my cell phone, waiting for Kellan to call me and tell me that he didn't mean it, that he hadn't broken up with me. He didn't call though, and I knew that he'd soon be rejoining his band tour...and I'd never see him again.
Biting my lip, I debated if I should break down and call him. What would I say? What could I say? I could only plead my innocence, but Kellan didn't seem to believe me. He had for a brief moment, but then... Whatever faith he'd had in me was gone now. And I really wasn't sure why.
Running my hands back through my hair, I considered calling Anna and asking her to come home. She was staying at a friend's house, finally feeling happy enough to rejoin her social circle. I didn't really want to drag her back down with my depression. Maybe I could call Jenny?
Just as I was considering punching in her numbers, my phone chirped at me, telling me I'd just received a text message. Hoping against hope that Kellan was talking to me, I scanned the screen.
I sighed. It was from Denny, not Kellan. Biting my lip, I opened the message. 'Just checking on you...everything okay?'
Not sure if anything would be okay again, I texted back, 'No...Kellan broke up with me.'
At least, I think that's what I wrote. I couldn't see past the tears to be sure. By Denny's answer, it must have been.
'I'll be there in five.'
I wanted to object, to tell him that he didn't have to give up a night's sleep for me, since he did have to go to work in a few hours. But I didn't respond, because I really didn't want to be alone.
Sniffling into my pillow, I waited for the hole in my heart to stop stabbing me with pain. I waited to not feel like my life was over. That's all I felt, though...that everything was over. Every happiness I was ever going to have in my life, I'd already had. Every joy, I'd already felt. I thought of every time Kellan and I had been together. If I'd known that it would end so abruptly, maybe I would have cherished each moment a little more.
But then I realized...I had. I'd always cataloged every second with him. Memorized every feature about him, every word he'd said, every placed he'd touched. I'd known. Some scared, insecure part of me had known we wouldn't make it...so I'd savored him. My sobs started back up.
My bedroom door cracked open a while later and a soft sigh met my ear. I sat up on an elbow as Denny stood in my doorframe. In my grief, I must not have locked the front door after Kellan left. Then again, even if I'd been thinking straight, I don't think I could have locked the door behind him. I could never shut Kellan out like that.
Denny looked tired as he watched me, his dark eyes sympathetic. Smiling softly, he sat on the edge of my bed, the bed Kellan and I had made love in, not too long ago. "I'm so sorry, Kiera...I really am."
I nodded and threw my arms around Denny. He sighed into my hair as he rubbed my back. As I held him close, I waited to feel...something...for him. I didn't, though. Even in my grief, even knowing Kellan and I were done, I felt nothing for him but an overwhelming desire for his friendship.
Relieved that I felt that way, I squeezed him tighter. "He's gone, Denny. He said he was done. He said goodbye... and he meant it."
Denny sighed again, returning my firm hug. "Is this because of me...or because of what Kellan's been hiding from you?"
I blinked and pulled back to look at him. Denny shrugged. "Maybe he feels guilty for what he's done. Maybe he wanted an out...and you gave him one?"
I sniffled and wiped my face off on a blanket. "I don't know...he won't talk to me." Anger crept into me at the thought that maybe all of that argument had been more about Kellan's guilt over his whore, and not about him catching Denny and I together.
Tightening my jaw, I spat out, "He told me that he believed me about you and I only being friends. Then he had sex with me. Then he dumped me! Who does that?"
I flushed over explaining what had happened with Kellan so bluntly to Denny, but he only sighed and shook his head. "I don't know, Kiera...I'm sorry."
As Denny's eyes flashed over my face, concerned, I saw the same friendship that I felt for him reflected back to me. That's all there was between us on his side, too. Abby had his heart, and she would probably never do to him what Kellan had just done to me. And why did he do it? If Kellan didn't trust me, if he didn't believe me, why didn't he just break up with me? Why have sex with me first? One final romp? God, that...pissed me off.
Pushing back from Denny, I scrunched my brows. "Can you do me a huge favor?"
He nodded, his expression confused but eager to help. "Yeah, of course, anything."
Unraveling myself from my blankets, I stood. "I need a ride, and Anna has the car."
Denny tentatively stood, eyeing me warily as I threw a sweatshirt over the tank top of my pajamas. "Um, a ride where, Kiera?" His accent slid over my name as his question came out slowly and cautiously.
Sliding my feet into some slip-on shoes, I twirled my hair up into a loose ponytail. "A ride to Kellan's."
Denny sighed, apparently fearing that was where I'd wanted to go. "Kiera, maybe you should just let this one go...?"
Standing straight, I glared at him. "I can't...let him go, Denny. I love him, and if he's going to leave me, then I'm going to know why. I'm going to find out the truth." Grabbing Denny's arm, I started pulling him out the door. "Even if I have to beat it out of him..." I muttered.
Denny sighed again.
He was silent on the drive over to Kellan's, probably wondering how to talk me out of this conversation I was about to have. I hoped I'd have the strength to have it, but really, I didn't have anything to lose. Kellan and I were over, what could he possibly say to me now that would hurt worse than that?
More, I just hoped he was home. He could have gone straight back to the airport, trying to catch an immediate flight back to...wherever his band was. I just prayed that he needed a minute to collect himself. Hopefully the end of our relationship was enough to make him need a moment alone.
When his car was in the drive when we pulled up, I exhaled in relief. He was here. At least he was still here. Then my nerves crept up. He was here...and we'd have to have the conversation we'd held off on having for so long. It tightened my stomach and I immediately wanted to go home. Instead, I opened my door.
