Opening his eyes, he dropped my cheeks and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Every day he sends me messages, and every day I ignore him." Sighing, he tilted his head up to the ceiling. "And I'm getting so tired of it all...I just want him to leave me alone."
Leveling his head, he exhaled wearily. "I even thought about changing my number, so he wouldn't have it anymore, but...I wanted to still be able to talk to you. And I couldn't exactly tell you why I wanted to change it, without telling you why I wanted to change it." He shrugged. "So I get painful texts everyday that I try to forget about."
Kellan sighed again and I saw the weariness in his expression. The torment was getting to him. I supposed I could understand why he'd want to hide from his dad. Why, out of spite or hatred, he'd never want to see him again, but I couldn't believe he'd let the torture of his life chip away at him like he had. As I stared at the weary man before me, I tried to picture the energetic man who'd begun this fateful tour. They were nearly two different people now.
He sniffed and scrubbed his eyes, clearly fighting against breaking down and I rubbed his shoulder. "This is killing you, Kellan, don't you see that?"
He gave me a wry glance, like he thought I was overreacting, but he didn't see the threadbare person that he'd become in just a matter of months. "No, it is. It's eating at you...I can see it now. Have you talked with anyone about this? The guys? Evan? Have you been dealing with this alone...all this time?"
Slumping, he headed over to sit on the couch. "Who would I tell, Kiera? Everyone thinks my dad died with my mom." Looking up at me, he shrugged. "You're the only one I've ever been able to tell about my dad...not being my real dad." He swallowed. "I just can't get the words out around other people." Tilting his head, he gave me sad eyes. "Just you..."
Sitting beside him, I put my hand on his knee. "But your real dad contacting you...? You had to keep that from me?"
He looked away. "I didn't want to, and I did try to tell you a couple times..." He looked back. "It was just too hard...too fresh." Lowering his head, he whispered, "I'm sorry if I hurt you..."
Cradling his head to my body, I felt the tears escape my eyes. "It's okay...I get it." As he exhaled and wrapped his arms around me, I whispered, "Christmas Day...was that text really from Griffin?"
Kellan stiffened in my arms, then pulled back. His eyes glossy, he shook his head. "No...that was from him." Cupping my cheek, his deep blue eyes searched mine. "I'm so sorry I lied...I just didn't want you to ask...I wasn't ready."
I nodded, more tears sliding down my skin. "All those texts...?"
"Were from him, I promise." Leaning his head into mine, he gave me a soft kiss. "They were all from him. I'll let you look at them if you want, if you don't believe me, but that's all I've been hiding...I promise." He kissed me again. "I promise..."
Letting all my fear and doubt melt away from me, I melded my lips to his. "I believe you," I whispered. And I did.
His fingers on my cheek wrapped around to my neck, drawing me into the kiss we were sharing. So sure that we'd never have this intimacy again, I savored the sweet taste of him, the intoxicating smell of him. But even as our mouths started shifting the conversation into a different one, a more physical one, I felt his body trembling with the residual torment he was feeling.
Separating from his touch for a second, I pulled back to search his face. Passion was there, as it always was when we were together, but pain, too. "You need to see him, Kellan. You need to put this chapter behind you, so you can move forward."
He shook his head, leaning in to kiss me, to distract himself with the only thing he really knew how to block pain with-sex. I forced myself to push him back, even though a part of me wanted to cave. "You need to," I reiterated.
His eyes narrowing, he clamped his mouth shut. Inhaling deep, he shook his head again. "This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you." I started to object, to reason with him that talking with the man who'd created him, then abandoned him, would help Kellan heal, but he didn't let me get out two words of my speech.
Mouth set in a firm line, eyes hardened into a firm decision, he again shook his head. "No, you can save all of your logical reasons and philosophical viewpoints. I will never see that man. Got it?"
Then he stood up and walked away, shutting the door on the conversation so hard that I felt my head rattle. Kellan wasn't ready and I didn't think he ever would be.
Chapter 24Trying Again
I gave Kellan a few moments of peace, to collect himself, then I went searching for him. I found him in his room, sitting on his bed, staring at the wall. I didn't know what he was thinking, what he was feeling. His face was blank, expressionless, and I thought that maybe he was just trying to not feel anything.
Leaning against his doorframe, I stared at him for long seconds. He didn't acknowledge my presence, just kept staring at the wall. Containing a sigh, I whispered, "Can I come in?"
He inhaled and looked over at me. Nodding, he twisted back to stare at the wall. Glancing at the spot he was staring at, I noticed something I hadn't before. There was a circular section of the wall where the plaster was smooth, not textured like the rest of the wall. It was fist-sized. I bit my lip, hating the thought of Kellan hurting himself by punching a wall. It hadn't happened while I'd been here, so it must have been from before...maybe right after his parents had died.
Sitting beside him on the bed, I laid my head on his shoulder. He didn't do anything at first, then he sighed and laid his head on mine.
"I'm sorry if that was harsh, Kiera. I'm just...don't push me on this one, okay?"
Knowing this was exactly why he'd kept this secret from me in the first place, I nodded on his shoulder. "Alright, Kellan."
We stayed quietly resting against each other for several minutes. I listened to his even breath, so long absent from my ear. I placed my hand over his heart, just to feel the steady beat. Closing my eyes, I whispered, "How long do you have? Until you have to go back?" I knew he'd left abruptly, just to surprise me, and I also knew he was incredibly busy, prepping the new album. I had to imagine that I didn't have very long with him.
He confirmed that with one long sigh. "I have a flight in the morning, well, in a few hours now."
I felt the tears prick my eyes. It was almost cruller that he'd come back only to be ripped away again. But not really. We'd needed this break. We'd needed these conversations. Clutching his shirt under my fingertips, I wished things were different. I wished he could stay here with me.
"I wish you didn't have to go..."
He lifted his head off mine and I peeked up at him. Shaking his head, he bunched his brows. "Do you still want to be with me?" he whispered, looking afraid of my answer.
Blinking, I pulled back to search his face. "Of course." My hand reached up to brush his cheek. "I'm in love with you. Of course, I still want to be with you."
He smiled and looked down. "I know I'm not the easiest person to love...I thought maybe you'd had enough..."
Was he joking? I watched his eyes, downcast, sullen, and realized he wasn't. He really didn't see anything of value in himself to love. And why would he, when the people he'd loved the most, and I truly did believe he'd loved his parents, despite their cruelties, hadn't been able to give him an ounce of love in return. Sometimes family was the cruelest form of love there was, for no one could hurt you more than the people who created you.
Forcing his head up, making him look at me, I gave him a warm smile. "Loving you, Kellan, is so easy, it's effortless." His smile matched mine, then I frowned and sighed. "Trusting you...that's the hard part."
He sighed, his eyes dropping. "We messed up, didn't we?"
"What do you mean?"
Peeking back up at me, he shrugged. "How we got together, the lies, the betrayals...we doomed ourselves before we even started." He shook his head. "We love each other so much...and we don't trust each other at all."
Hearing the fears that I'd had myself being spoken out loud by him made my eyes water, made my stomach tighten. Was it even possible to stay together? Maybe we shouldn't. Love...wasn't always enough. And love without trust...was that even love? Maybe all we had was lust after all.
Imagining never being with him again, imagining ending things right here made me start to hyperventilate. We couldn't end...we just couldn't. We did love each other. It wasn't just lust. I loved him so much it nearly brought me to my knees.
I wrapped my arms around him as my breaths came in sharp pulls. "Don't leave me," I begged, when I found the air to speak.
Kellan wrapped his arms around me just as tight. Voice cracking, he murmured, "I won't...I'm yours, Kiera, for as long as you want me."
Pulling back, I cupped his face. "Forever, I want you forever."
Gazing at me, a tear finally fell down his cheek and over my fingers. "I want that too, Kiera."
I brought my lips to his, needing to feel the love behind our intense connection, not just the fire. It swept through me instantly, growing in my chest until it was nearly painful. Silently, our lips and the occasional sniffle the only sound, we undressed each other.
When he laid me back on his sheets, his eyes swept down the length of my body. The heat his gaze usually gave me wasn't there. I still wanted him, intensely, but what was burning through my body, through my soul, was the need to connect with him. To comfort him. To show him that someone in the world cared about him. I wanted to give myself to him in a way that left me completely bare and open. And I wanted him to do the same for me.
Cupping his cheek, I urged him on top of me. Our gazes locked as I wrapped my legs around him. When he slowly slid into me, we both opened our mouths, but neither one of us closed our eyes. He searched my face as we silently began to move together. I felt tears stinging as I whispered, "I love you, Kellan...only you."
His eyes watered and he briefly closed his eyes. Opening them he murmured, "And I only love you...I will only ever love you."
He lowered his head to kiss me, our bodies still moving slow and steady. When I felt the buildup of my love for him coming to an apex, I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight. He squeezed me back just as hard. Slowing our pace instead of increasing it, I started to shake with the impending release.
Kellan grabbed my cheek, sucking in a breath as he quickly kissed me. "I love you. God, I love you so much..."
He let out a quick exhale, his body shuddering as he came. I squeezed him tight as the intensity washed through me. I babbled some incoherent phrase about loving him more than life itself, and cinched my body around him as the joy flooded every muscle, every nerve, every cell in my body.
Tingling with good feelings, we slumped against each other. Wordlessly, Kellan repositioned us and curled into my body. Kissing my hair, he whispered, "I promise I won't keep anything from you again."
I nodded and kissed him back, the tears re-stinging my eyes. "And I promise that I won't keep anything either."
He nodded and we clung to each other. We'd try again. It was all we could do.
Leveling his head, he exhaled wearily. "I even thought about changing my number, so he wouldn't have it anymore, but...I wanted to still be able to talk to you. And I couldn't exactly tell you why I wanted to change it, without telling you why I wanted to change it." He shrugged. "So I get painful texts everyday that I try to forget about."
Kellan sighed again and I saw the weariness in his expression. The torment was getting to him. I supposed I could understand why he'd want to hide from his dad. Why, out of spite or hatred, he'd never want to see him again, but I couldn't believe he'd let the torture of his life chip away at him like he had. As I stared at the weary man before me, I tried to picture the energetic man who'd begun this fateful tour. They were nearly two different people now.
He sniffed and scrubbed his eyes, clearly fighting against breaking down and I rubbed his shoulder. "This is killing you, Kellan, don't you see that?"
He gave me a wry glance, like he thought I was overreacting, but he didn't see the threadbare person that he'd become in just a matter of months. "No, it is. It's eating at you...I can see it now. Have you talked with anyone about this? The guys? Evan? Have you been dealing with this alone...all this time?"
Slumping, he headed over to sit on the couch. "Who would I tell, Kiera? Everyone thinks my dad died with my mom." Looking up at me, he shrugged. "You're the only one I've ever been able to tell about my dad...not being my real dad." He swallowed. "I just can't get the words out around other people." Tilting his head, he gave me sad eyes. "Just you..."
Sitting beside him, I put my hand on his knee. "But your real dad contacting you...? You had to keep that from me?"
He looked away. "I didn't want to, and I did try to tell you a couple times..." He looked back. "It was just too hard...too fresh." Lowering his head, he whispered, "I'm sorry if I hurt you..."
Cradling his head to my body, I felt the tears escape my eyes. "It's okay...I get it." As he exhaled and wrapped his arms around me, I whispered, "Christmas Day...was that text really from Griffin?"
Kellan stiffened in my arms, then pulled back. His eyes glossy, he shook his head. "No...that was from him." Cupping my cheek, his deep blue eyes searched mine. "I'm so sorry I lied...I just didn't want you to ask...I wasn't ready."
I nodded, more tears sliding down my skin. "All those texts...?"
"Were from him, I promise." Leaning his head into mine, he gave me a soft kiss. "They were all from him. I'll let you look at them if you want, if you don't believe me, but that's all I've been hiding...I promise." He kissed me again. "I promise..."
Letting all my fear and doubt melt away from me, I melded my lips to his. "I believe you," I whispered. And I did.
His fingers on my cheek wrapped around to my neck, drawing me into the kiss we were sharing. So sure that we'd never have this intimacy again, I savored the sweet taste of him, the intoxicating smell of him. But even as our mouths started shifting the conversation into a different one, a more physical one, I felt his body trembling with the residual torment he was feeling.
Separating from his touch for a second, I pulled back to search his face. Passion was there, as it always was when we were together, but pain, too. "You need to see him, Kellan. You need to put this chapter behind you, so you can move forward."
He shook his head, leaning in to kiss me, to distract himself with the only thing he really knew how to block pain with-sex. I forced myself to push him back, even though a part of me wanted to cave. "You need to," I reiterated.
His eyes narrowing, he clamped his mouth shut. Inhaling deep, he shook his head again. "This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you." I started to object, to reason with him that talking with the man who'd created him, then abandoned him, would help Kellan heal, but he didn't let me get out two words of my speech.
Mouth set in a firm line, eyes hardened into a firm decision, he again shook his head. "No, you can save all of your logical reasons and philosophical viewpoints. I will never see that man. Got it?"
Then he stood up and walked away, shutting the door on the conversation so hard that I felt my head rattle. Kellan wasn't ready and I didn't think he ever would be.
Chapter 24Trying Again
I gave Kellan a few moments of peace, to collect himself, then I went searching for him. I found him in his room, sitting on his bed, staring at the wall. I didn't know what he was thinking, what he was feeling. His face was blank, expressionless, and I thought that maybe he was just trying to not feel anything.
Leaning against his doorframe, I stared at him for long seconds. He didn't acknowledge my presence, just kept staring at the wall. Containing a sigh, I whispered, "Can I come in?"
He inhaled and looked over at me. Nodding, he twisted back to stare at the wall. Glancing at the spot he was staring at, I noticed something I hadn't before. There was a circular section of the wall where the plaster was smooth, not textured like the rest of the wall. It was fist-sized. I bit my lip, hating the thought of Kellan hurting himself by punching a wall. It hadn't happened while I'd been here, so it must have been from before...maybe right after his parents had died.
Sitting beside him on the bed, I laid my head on his shoulder. He didn't do anything at first, then he sighed and laid his head on mine.
"I'm sorry if that was harsh, Kiera. I'm just...don't push me on this one, okay?"
Knowing this was exactly why he'd kept this secret from me in the first place, I nodded on his shoulder. "Alright, Kellan."
We stayed quietly resting against each other for several minutes. I listened to his even breath, so long absent from my ear. I placed my hand over his heart, just to feel the steady beat. Closing my eyes, I whispered, "How long do you have? Until you have to go back?" I knew he'd left abruptly, just to surprise me, and I also knew he was incredibly busy, prepping the new album. I had to imagine that I didn't have very long with him.
He confirmed that with one long sigh. "I have a flight in the morning, well, in a few hours now."
I felt the tears prick my eyes. It was almost cruller that he'd come back only to be ripped away again. But not really. We'd needed this break. We'd needed these conversations. Clutching his shirt under my fingertips, I wished things were different. I wished he could stay here with me.
"I wish you didn't have to go..."
He lifted his head off mine and I peeked up at him. Shaking his head, he bunched his brows. "Do you still want to be with me?" he whispered, looking afraid of my answer.
Blinking, I pulled back to search his face. "Of course." My hand reached up to brush his cheek. "I'm in love with you. Of course, I still want to be with you."
He smiled and looked down. "I know I'm not the easiest person to love...I thought maybe you'd had enough..."
Was he joking? I watched his eyes, downcast, sullen, and realized he wasn't. He really didn't see anything of value in himself to love. And why would he, when the people he'd loved the most, and I truly did believe he'd loved his parents, despite their cruelties, hadn't been able to give him an ounce of love in return. Sometimes family was the cruelest form of love there was, for no one could hurt you more than the people who created you.
Forcing his head up, making him look at me, I gave him a warm smile. "Loving you, Kellan, is so easy, it's effortless." His smile matched mine, then I frowned and sighed. "Trusting you...that's the hard part."
He sighed, his eyes dropping. "We messed up, didn't we?"
"What do you mean?"
Peeking back up at me, he shrugged. "How we got together, the lies, the betrayals...we doomed ourselves before we even started." He shook his head. "We love each other so much...and we don't trust each other at all."
Hearing the fears that I'd had myself being spoken out loud by him made my eyes water, made my stomach tighten. Was it even possible to stay together? Maybe we shouldn't. Love...wasn't always enough. And love without trust...was that even love? Maybe all we had was lust after all.
Imagining never being with him again, imagining ending things right here made me start to hyperventilate. We couldn't end...we just couldn't. We did love each other. It wasn't just lust. I loved him so much it nearly brought me to my knees.
I wrapped my arms around him as my breaths came in sharp pulls. "Don't leave me," I begged, when I found the air to speak.
Kellan wrapped his arms around me just as tight. Voice cracking, he murmured, "I won't...I'm yours, Kiera, for as long as you want me."
Pulling back, I cupped his face. "Forever, I want you forever."
Gazing at me, a tear finally fell down his cheek and over my fingers. "I want that too, Kiera."
I brought my lips to his, needing to feel the love behind our intense connection, not just the fire. It swept through me instantly, growing in my chest until it was nearly painful. Silently, our lips and the occasional sniffle the only sound, we undressed each other.
When he laid me back on his sheets, his eyes swept down the length of my body. The heat his gaze usually gave me wasn't there. I still wanted him, intensely, but what was burning through my body, through my soul, was the need to connect with him. To comfort him. To show him that someone in the world cared about him. I wanted to give myself to him in a way that left me completely bare and open. And I wanted him to do the same for me.
Cupping his cheek, I urged him on top of me. Our gazes locked as I wrapped my legs around him. When he slowly slid into me, we both opened our mouths, but neither one of us closed our eyes. He searched my face as we silently began to move together. I felt tears stinging as I whispered, "I love you, Kellan...only you."
His eyes watered and he briefly closed his eyes. Opening them he murmured, "And I only love you...I will only ever love you."
He lowered his head to kiss me, our bodies still moving slow and steady. When I felt the buildup of my love for him coming to an apex, I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight. He squeezed me back just as hard. Slowing our pace instead of increasing it, I started to shake with the impending release.
Kellan grabbed my cheek, sucking in a breath as he quickly kissed me. "I love you. God, I love you so much..."
He let out a quick exhale, his body shuddering as he came. I squeezed him tight as the intensity washed through me. I babbled some incoherent phrase about loving him more than life itself, and cinched my body around him as the joy flooded every muscle, every nerve, every cell in my body.
Tingling with good feelings, we slumped against each other. Wordlessly, Kellan repositioned us and curled into my body. Kissing my hair, he whispered, "I promise I won't keep anything from you again."
I nodded and kissed him back, the tears re-stinging my eyes. "And I promise that I won't keep anything either."
He nodded and we clung to each other. We'd try again. It was all we could do.
