Ella and Micha: Infinitely and Always
Page 13
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“Of course.” As my guilt surfaces, I place my arm across my stomach. “It was one of the best days of my life.”
He gives me the most genuine smile then moves in to kiss me. When our lips connect, my guilt consumes me. I want to tell him, but I almost start to cry just thinking about what’s happening to me. Realizing how brutal and ugly the words would be if they poured out of me right now, I decide to keep my lips sealed, not wanting to ruin his happiness.
When I can be happy myself, then I’ll tell him.
Chapter 8
Ella
I manage to keep the secret for almost two weeks. It’s not easy by any means, and I keep having a dream that I’m holding a little girl in my arms. On the thirteenth night of my secret keeping, though, I have the most terrible nightmare about the past and the day I ran out on Micha.
As I lie awake in bed the next morning after Micha has left to go search for a new studio, my guilt gnaws at me.
I need to tell him.
But, I need to be able to tell him without losing my shit.
I close my eyes and inhale and exhale like I was taught to do in therapy. Then I drag my ass out of bed and make the call I should have made two weeks ago when I got the news.
“Ella!” my sister-in-law Caroline cries as she answers the phone over the sound of cheery music. “I was just thinking about you.”
“Really?” I pull on a pair of shorts with one hand before I head downstairs to find something to eat.
“Yeah, it was so weird, but I had a dream about you last night,” she says. “It must have been a sign that you were going to call me.”
“I call you, like, once a week.” I enter the kitchen and throw open the fridge, rummaging for something that looks tasty. I haven’t gone shopping in a couple of weeks—too busy—so there’s nothing in it that looks remotely good.
“But never this early,” she says, and then the music silences. “Why aren’t you at work?”
I close the fridge door. “I’ve been letting Gena run the place for the last couple of days.”
“Why? I thought you said she couldn’t handle it.”
“She can’t, but I’ve been… sick.”
“Oh, my God!” she exclaims. “You’re pregnant!”
My lips part in shock as I sink into a chair at the kitchen table. “How does everyone seem to know this when all I say is I’m sick. I didn’t even jump right to that conclusion.”
“You are twenty-five, Ella, and have been married for five years, so it was bound to happen soon. Plus, you have a glow in your voice.”
I pick up an apple from a bowl on the table and scrunch my nose at the brown spots on it. “You can’t hear a glow, Caroline.”
“Yes, you can. But you’re losing your glow right now, so what’s up?”
I drop the apple back into the bowl and sigh. “It’s nothing… I’m just… confused about this whole mother thing.”
“That’s understandable. I’m sure it has to be hard for you, especially with what happened to your mother.”
“But it’s not just that.”
“What is it, then?”
I’m reluctant to answer, but it is the reason I called, so… “You know what our mother and father were like growing up, right? Dean’s told you all about it, I’m assuming.”
“Yeah, he’s told me quite a bit. I’ve had to help him through some rough times.” She hesitates. “Is that why you sound upset? Are you worried about what kind of parent you’ll be?”
I nod as I whisper, “Yes… And I don’t…” I suck in a deep breath as tears bubble in the corner of my eyes. “I don’t know what to do.”
Silence stretches between us. Since no one can see me, I let the tears fall freely.
“Don’t tell him I told you this,” Caroline says softly, “but Dean actually had to go to the emergency room when he first found out I was pregnant. He had such a bad panic attack he could barely breathe.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing, really. The doctors gave him a sedative and sent us home.”
“And then he was fine?” I’ve had enough panic attacks that I’m not buying it.
“Well, it took him some time, but then he got over it. I mean, you’ve seen him with Scarlett, Ella. He’s a fantastic father, just like you’re a fantastic aunt and will be a fantastic mother. Trust me, I’ve met some shitty parents who had the most fantastic mother and father growing up. It’s all about the person you grew into, and you are an amazing person who’s overcome a lot.”
“You sound like a mom,” I remark, amazed at how much freer I can breathe. Yeah, I’m still scared as shit, but it’s not eating away at me so much at the moment. I’m able to wipe the tears away, and my eyes remain dry.
“That’s because I am one to Scarlett and, soon, to this little one in my stomach.” She pauses. “And I’ll be there for you. Whatever you need, day or night, you call me. I don’t have sisters I’m close with, so I need to hand my pregnancy knowledge to someone.”
“Well, I’m going to need a lot of it.” I push back from the table. “Thanks for this, Caroline. This helped a lot.”
“Good, I’m glad.” Silence draws out between us again. “Ella, what does Micha have to say about all this? Considering how much he dotes over Scarlett, I’m betting he was really happy to hear the news.”
Guilt crushes against my chest, like it has for the last couple of weeks. “I actually haven’t told him about it.”
“What! How long have you known?”
“Almost two weeks.”
“Is he home?”
“Yeah.”
“Ella.” She sighs. “Go tell him. Right now. He deserves to know.”
“I know he does.” Leaving the kitchen, I march for the front door. “I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t super upset when I told him. He’s had to put up with me being really unstable during a lot of important moments, like when he proposed, said I love you, and right before we got married. I want, just for once, to tell him some life-changing news and be happy about it.”
“And are you happy now?” she asks as I’m reaching for the doorknob.
I dither, contemplating while I attempt to sort through my emotions, something that’s never an easy task. “I’m not sure if I’m happy yet, but it feels like I could get there. And I want to tell him.”
He gives me the most genuine smile then moves in to kiss me. When our lips connect, my guilt consumes me. I want to tell him, but I almost start to cry just thinking about what’s happening to me. Realizing how brutal and ugly the words would be if they poured out of me right now, I decide to keep my lips sealed, not wanting to ruin his happiness.
When I can be happy myself, then I’ll tell him.
Chapter 8
Ella
I manage to keep the secret for almost two weeks. It’s not easy by any means, and I keep having a dream that I’m holding a little girl in my arms. On the thirteenth night of my secret keeping, though, I have the most terrible nightmare about the past and the day I ran out on Micha.
As I lie awake in bed the next morning after Micha has left to go search for a new studio, my guilt gnaws at me.
I need to tell him.
But, I need to be able to tell him without losing my shit.
I close my eyes and inhale and exhale like I was taught to do in therapy. Then I drag my ass out of bed and make the call I should have made two weeks ago when I got the news.
“Ella!” my sister-in-law Caroline cries as she answers the phone over the sound of cheery music. “I was just thinking about you.”
“Really?” I pull on a pair of shorts with one hand before I head downstairs to find something to eat.
“Yeah, it was so weird, but I had a dream about you last night,” she says. “It must have been a sign that you were going to call me.”
“I call you, like, once a week.” I enter the kitchen and throw open the fridge, rummaging for something that looks tasty. I haven’t gone shopping in a couple of weeks—too busy—so there’s nothing in it that looks remotely good.
“But never this early,” she says, and then the music silences. “Why aren’t you at work?”
I close the fridge door. “I’ve been letting Gena run the place for the last couple of days.”
“Why? I thought you said she couldn’t handle it.”
“She can’t, but I’ve been… sick.”
“Oh, my God!” she exclaims. “You’re pregnant!”
My lips part in shock as I sink into a chair at the kitchen table. “How does everyone seem to know this when all I say is I’m sick. I didn’t even jump right to that conclusion.”
“You are twenty-five, Ella, and have been married for five years, so it was bound to happen soon. Plus, you have a glow in your voice.”
I pick up an apple from a bowl on the table and scrunch my nose at the brown spots on it. “You can’t hear a glow, Caroline.”
“Yes, you can. But you’re losing your glow right now, so what’s up?”
I drop the apple back into the bowl and sigh. “It’s nothing… I’m just… confused about this whole mother thing.”
“That’s understandable. I’m sure it has to be hard for you, especially with what happened to your mother.”
“But it’s not just that.”
“What is it, then?”
I’m reluctant to answer, but it is the reason I called, so… “You know what our mother and father were like growing up, right? Dean’s told you all about it, I’m assuming.”
“Yeah, he’s told me quite a bit. I’ve had to help him through some rough times.” She hesitates. “Is that why you sound upset? Are you worried about what kind of parent you’ll be?”
I nod as I whisper, “Yes… And I don’t…” I suck in a deep breath as tears bubble in the corner of my eyes. “I don’t know what to do.”
Silence stretches between us. Since no one can see me, I let the tears fall freely.
“Don’t tell him I told you this,” Caroline says softly, “but Dean actually had to go to the emergency room when he first found out I was pregnant. He had such a bad panic attack he could barely breathe.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing, really. The doctors gave him a sedative and sent us home.”
“And then he was fine?” I’ve had enough panic attacks that I’m not buying it.
“Well, it took him some time, but then he got over it. I mean, you’ve seen him with Scarlett, Ella. He’s a fantastic father, just like you’re a fantastic aunt and will be a fantastic mother. Trust me, I’ve met some shitty parents who had the most fantastic mother and father growing up. It’s all about the person you grew into, and you are an amazing person who’s overcome a lot.”
“You sound like a mom,” I remark, amazed at how much freer I can breathe. Yeah, I’m still scared as shit, but it’s not eating away at me so much at the moment. I’m able to wipe the tears away, and my eyes remain dry.
“That’s because I am one to Scarlett and, soon, to this little one in my stomach.” She pauses. “And I’ll be there for you. Whatever you need, day or night, you call me. I don’t have sisters I’m close with, so I need to hand my pregnancy knowledge to someone.”
“Well, I’m going to need a lot of it.” I push back from the table. “Thanks for this, Caroline. This helped a lot.”
“Good, I’m glad.” Silence draws out between us again. “Ella, what does Micha have to say about all this? Considering how much he dotes over Scarlett, I’m betting he was really happy to hear the news.”
Guilt crushes against my chest, like it has for the last couple of weeks. “I actually haven’t told him about it.”
“What! How long have you known?”
“Almost two weeks.”
“Is he home?”
“Yeah.”
“Ella.” She sighs. “Go tell him. Right now. He deserves to know.”
“I know he does.” Leaving the kitchen, I march for the front door. “I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t super upset when I told him. He’s had to put up with me being really unstable during a lot of important moments, like when he proposed, said I love you, and right before we got married. I want, just for once, to tell him some life-changing news and be happy about it.”
“And are you happy now?” she asks as I’m reaching for the doorknob.
I dither, contemplating while I attempt to sort through my emotions, something that’s never an easy task. “I’m not sure if I’m happy yet, but it feels like I could get there. And I want to tell him.”
