A couple of hours later the three of us were getting off of the plane in Oakland and yet back in another taxi. I remember giving the driver my address; I was somehow able to do that. When we got to the apartment, Robin, Crys, and Will were all there waiting. Max introduced himself and Andi, and then explained that they were in Vegas with me and were also good friends of Ash. I just sat down and stared into space.
Crys joined me on the couch and put her arm around me, pulling me in a tight hug. She didn’t say anything, she just held me. Finally, I was able to muster up some words. “What happened?” I whispered into her chest.
“He was surfing; that’s all we know. Another surfer found him washed up and called 911, but we was already gone by the time they got there,” she explained softly as she rocked me back and forth in her arms. “They broke in his car and got his wallet and cell phone; that’s how they identified him and got a hold of us.”
“Surfing, wow. The thing that brought him the most joy is what killed him…” I murmured, closing my eyes.
I think I fell asleep in her arms, that or I fainted, but either way I woke up a while later in my bed. I slowly opened my eyes and laid there staring at his side of the bed, where he would never lay with me again. I ran my hand back and forth over the spot where he would’ve been, and that’s when the tears began. The tears and the memories and thoughts, an emotional overload all at once, came flooding in. And I tried hard… damn, I tried so hard to push it away, but I couldn’t. I cried and cried and cried. I cried until I passed out again from sheer exhaustion of crying.
The next time I woke up, Robin was sitting in the bed next to me, rubbing my back. Her tear stained cheeks broke my heart. It reminded me of Evie’s parents and I remembered thinking then that no parent should have to bury their child. I looked up at her through my swollen eyes and she gave me a half-hearted smile.
“I know that you are scared that I don’t like you very much, but I just wanted you to know that isn’t the case. I understood why you left on Christmas and I understand why you were in Vegas. I know that you made my boy happy, and that’s all I ever wanted. So please don’t ever think that I don’t like you or that this happened because you weren’t here.”
I sat up and crawled into her lap, looping my arms around her neck and laying my head on her shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I’m so very sorry,” I cried softly.
She hugged me tightly. “There’s no reason for you to be sorry, Scarlett. We’re all devastated over this. I know that it hasn’t sunk in for any of us completely yet, but the only way we will make it through this is together.”
“I’m just so so sorry,” I said again.
She stroked my hair. “Shh shh, that’s enough of that. Now listen, I don’t want to draw this all out with a funeral and all of that. None of us need to rehash this tragedy over and over again. Ash’s dad is flying out here this evening. We are going to have his body cremated and tomorrow we are going to take the ashes out to the ocean. Whoever wants to say something can, and otherwise, we are going to return him to where he loved to be.” She paused to kiss the top of my head. “I know this is so much all at once, but in the next couple of weeks you’re going to have to decide if you want to stay here and go to school like you planned or if you want to go back to Houston. Whatever you decide, Crys and I will be here to help you take care of everything, okay?”
I nodded against her chest, but I really couldn’t even begin to think about anything at that moment, much less make life decisions. A little bit later Crys joined us in the embrace on the bed, and slowly Max, Andi, and Will all made their way in there as well. And there we all sat silently, all six of us on the bed holding each other, all six of lost in our thoughts of how we had lost such a vital person in our lives.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The following day we all went out to one of the beaches that he and I had frequented that summer. I had never met his dad before, and not surprisingly, he looked just like Ash but dressed in expensive clothes. The sky was gloomy gray which matched our moods just perfectly. Words were scarce; no one knew what to say. We walked down one of the jetties and his mom released his ashes over the choppy, dark blue water. One of the angry waves quickly crashed down on them, the ocean consuming what it had not previously taken. Silently, we all walked back to our cars. His dad didn’t say a word to me the entire time. He got in his rental car and drove away without as much as saying goodbye to any of us. Crys muttered, “Asshole” under her breath, and Robin just hugged her in return.
I had returned to my state of numbness, I felt like I was walking around in a trance. None of it was sinking in, I kept thinking I was trapped in an awful nightmare, one that I just couldn’t wake up from. Max had tried numerous times to comfort me, but I refused to talk to him. Hey kept telling me that he knew how I felt, that he had been there before, but I didn’t want to talk about Evie’s death any more than I wanted to talk about Ash’s. That was just a reminder of all of the death that surrounded me.
CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
Autumn Leaves ~ Ed Sheeran
Time of Our Lives ~ Tyrone Wells
SCARLETT
The odds of someone dying before there twenty-fifth birthday in America was roughly six percent, well that was the best I could determine from the thousands of results on Google. The odds of knowing two people that died before turning twenty five was a fraction of one percent. God either thought I had exceptional emotional and mental strength to be a part of that exclusive group or I was just fucking cursed, and my money was on the latter. I resolved to myself the day after Ash’s ceremony that I would never fall in love again. I couldn’t handle losing anyone else.
Max and Andi insisted that I return home with them, and I didn’t really fight them on the issue. I didn’t care enough to. Wherever I was, I’d just simply be existing. Robin and Crys seemed to think that was best idea too; no one wanted to leave me alone at the apartment. They said they’d box up all of our stuff and ship it back to me. I didn’t understand how they could be so productive throughout everything. Didn’t they realize they were never going to see their son and brother again? Like he was gone… vanished… no more.
Once we returned to Houston, I stayed in bed for about three weeks straight. I would nibble on the food that they would bring to me, but I had no appetite. I showered every four or five days, when I felt like it was absolutely necessary. Each time I would get out of the shower, I noticed that one of them would change my sheets. Mina and Jess both tried to come visit me, but I wouldn’t see them. Max told me that he let Mason know because he was concerned that I wasn’t replying to texts. I’m sure he wanted to stay as far away from me as possible, if he valued his life.
Finally, one day Max insisted I get up or he was going to call my parents. I hadn’t even called them to tell them what happened and that I was home; as far as they were concerned, I was still playing house with Ash and lost in my music that would get me nowhere… I’m pretty sure those were their words the last time I talked to them. Reluctantly, I got out of bed and took a shower, just to put another pair of pajamas on. I made my way to the living room where I found a surprise visitor waiting for me ~ Heather.
I went to turn around and head back to my room, pissed off at them for bringing her here, when she grabbed me from behind and spun me around. She put her hand under my chin and tilted my face up to look in her eyes. “I’m not leaving here without you. Now go pack some clothes in a bag or I’ll do it for you. Don’t fight me on this, Scarlett,” she said sternly.
I did as she told me to; I didn’t have the fight in me to argue with her. A little while later I was checking in to the very place that I had been to visit while Mase was in rehab, wasn’t that ironic? Heather helped me get situated in my room, and then told me that my first counseling session was immediately.
“Scarlett, let me tell you, that I have never gone and gotten someone from their home before and brought them here, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna allow a beautiful, vibrant young girl like yourself rot away because you were dealt a shitty hand in life. Bad things happen to good people. I know that you have the lost two people that you loved dearly in a very short amount of time. I know that you feel guilt for that, even though neither of their deaths had anything to do with you. I know that you feel like you like you never want to love again so that you never have to feel this hurt again. I know you probably don’t care if you live to see tomorrow. I know all of those things, but I need you to listen to me and listen to me good.” I just sat on the bed as she summed up my thoughts perfectly. “I also know that you are a smart and talented girl with a big heart, and there are a ton of people that are still here that don’t want to lose you too. I’ve told you before that you’ve got to learn to love yourself. You’ve got to believe that, you, Scarlett, are worth being loved and your life is worth living, and I’m not going to let you leave here until I’m sure that you understand that.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Five months. That’s roughly how long it took me to get Heather’s message through my thick skull. Five month of straight counseling, both individual and group, on a daily basis and five months of unconditional love from my friends, no matter how ugly I was to them sometimes. Five months after I checked into The Right Step, I walked out with a glimmer of hope and belief that I would eventually be okay. I still had a lot of hurdles to jump, but I finally believed that I could maybe, just possibly, get over them.
The hardest thing for me to accept was that I really wasn’t a curse to the ones I loved and I wasn’t being punished for anything. As unreasonable as that may sound to some people, I couldn’t help but think that there was some reason other than sheer coincidence that the two people that were closest to me died way before they should have. That took me a long time to accept, but once I did, it was easier for me to let go of the guilt.
Max, Andi, and Mina were relentless in their visits and they played a huge part in my recovery. One of them came up to see me almost every single day, and even at first when I would just sit there and not say a word, they just kept coming back. Once I began to come out of my protective shell a bit, Max brought me up my keyboard and my iPad so that I could reconnect with my music and start reading again, both of which helped save my sanity as well. I didn’t realize how much I needed them in my life, but the outlet they provided me was vital for my mental health. Robin also visited me pretty regularly which made me feel good. She had told me that all of Ash and my stuff was in a storage unit and would stay right there until I was ready to go through it. Towards the end of my stay, I had finally gotten to where I could talk about happy memories with her. She told me about the time not too long ago when Ash had come over when she had a male friend stay the night. We both got a good laugh out of that.
Once I got home, I decided to sign up for some classes at the local community college for the spring semester. Rice wasn’t allowing me to return after all of my coming-and-going over the previous two years, and quite honestly, I didn’t think I could handle the stress of that level of academia at that point. I needed to take baby steps before I could run. I got a job teaching music classes to kids at the neighborhood center. It didn’t pay well, but I really enjoyed it. Seeing the kid’s faces as they began to really appreciate the music was priceless.
