“It was a busy drive over.”
“What if he doesn’t care? What if he doesn’t believe her?”
“Then you grab his keys and drive to the nearest hospital. Bring the journal with you.”
Hearing her say it, it all makes sense.
She sits back down on the bed.
“Come here,” she says. But this time we don’t kiss. Instead, she hugs my frail body.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I whisper.
“You can,” she tells me. “Of course you can.”
I am alone in Kelsea’s room when her father comes home. I hear him throw down his keys, take something out of the refrigerator. I hear him walk to his bedroom, then come back out. He doesn’t call out a hello. I don’t even know if he realizes I’m here.
Five minutes pass. Ten minutes. Finally, he calls out, “Dinner!”
I haven’t heard any activity in the kitchen, so I’m not surprised to find a KFC bucket on the table. He’s already started on a drumstick.
I can guess how this usually works. He takes his dinner into the den, in front of the TV. She takes hers back to her room. And that marks the rest of the night for them.
But tonight is different. Tonight she says, “I want to kill myself.”
At first I don’t think he’s heard me.
“I know you don’t want to hear this,” I say. “But it’s the truth.”
He drops his hand to his side, still holding the drumstick.
“What are you saying?” he asks.
“I want to die,” I tell him.
“C’mon now,” he says. “Really?”
If I were Kelsea, I’d probably leave the room in disgust. I’d give up.
“You need to get me help,” I say. “This is something I’ve been thinking about for a long time.” I put the journal on the table, shove it over to him. This might ultimately be my biggest betrayal of Kelsea. I feel awful, but then I conjure Rhiannon’s voice in my ear, telling me I am doing the right thing.
Kelsea’s father puts down the drumstick, picks up the journal. Starts reading it. I try to decode his expression. He doesn’t want to be seeing this. Resents that it’s happening. Hates it, even. But not her. He keeps reading because even if he hates the situation, he doesn’t hate her.
“Kelsea …,” he chokes out.
I wish she could see how it hits him. The look on his face, his life caving in. Because then maybe she’d realize, if only for a split second, that even though the world doesn’t matter to her, she matters to the world.
“This isn’t just some … thing?” he asks.
I shake my head. It’s a stupid question, but I’m not going to call him on it.
“So what do we do?”
There. I have him.
“We need to get help,” I tell him. “Tomorrow morning we need to find a counselor who’s open on Saturday, and we need to see what we have to do. I probably need medication. I definitely need to talk to a doctor. I have been living this for so long.”
“But why didn’t you tell me?”
Why didn’t you see? I want to ask back. But now’s not the time for that. He’ll get there on his own.
“That doesn’t matter. We need to focus on now. I am asking for help. You need to get me help.”
“Are you sure it can wait until morning?”
“I’m not going to do anything tonight. But tomorrow you have to watch me. You have to force me if I change my mind. I might change my mind. I might pretend that this whole conversation didn’t happen. Keep that notebook. It’s the truth. If I fight you, fight me back. Call an ambulance.”
“An ambulance?”
“That’s how serious this is, Dad.”
It’s the last word that really brings it home to him. I don’t think Kelsea uses it that often.
He’s crying now. We just stay there, looking at each other.
Finally, he says, “Have some dinner.”
I take some chicken from the bucket, then bring it back to my room. I’ve said everything I’ve needed to say.
Kelsea will have to tell him the rest.
I hear him pacing throughout the house. I hear him on the phone to someone, and I hope it’s someone who can help him the way Rhiannon helped me. I hear him stop outside the door, afraid to open it but still listening in. I make small stirring noises, so he knows I’m awake, alive.
I fall asleep to the sound of his concern.
Day 6006
The phone rings.
I reach for it, thinking it’s Rhiannon.
Even though it can’t be.
I look at the name on the screen. Austin.
My boyfriend.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Hugo! This is your nine a.m. wake-up call. I will be there in an hour. Go make yourself purdy.”
“Whatever you say,” I mumble.
There’s a lot I have to do in an hour.
First, there’s the usual getting up, getting showered, and getting dressed. In the kitchen, I can hear my parents talking loudly in a language I don’t know. It sounds like Spanish but isn’t Spanish, so I’m guessing it’s Portuguese. Foreign languages throw me—I have a beginner’s grasp of a few of them, but I can’t really access a person’s memory fast enough to pretend to be fluent in any of them. I access and find that Hugo’s parents are from Brazil. But that’s not going to help me understand them better. So I steer clear of the kitchen.
“What if he doesn’t care? What if he doesn’t believe her?”
“Then you grab his keys and drive to the nearest hospital. Bring the journal with you.”
Hearing her say it, it all makes sense.
She sits back down on the bed.
“Come here,” she says. But this time we don’t kiss. Instead, she hugs my frail body.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I whisper.
“You can,” she tells me. “Of course you can.”
I am alone in Kelsea’s room when her father comes home. I hear him throw down his keys, take something out of the refrigerator. I hear him walk to his bedroom, then come back out. He doesn’t call out a hello. I don’t even know if he realizes I’m here.
Five minutes pass. Ten minutes. Finally, he calls out, “Dinner!”
I haven’t heard any activity in the kitchen, so I’m not surprised to find a KFC bucket on the table. He’s already started on a drumstick.
I can guess how this usually works. He takes his dinner into the den, in front of the TV. She takes hers back to her room. And that marks the rest of the night for them.
But tonight is different. Tonight she says, “I want to kill myself.”
At first I don’t think he’s heard me.
“I know you don’t want to hear this,” I say. “But it’s the truth.”
He drops his hand to his side, still holding the drumstick.
“What are you saying?” he asks.
“I want to die,” I tell him.
“C’mon now,” he says. “Really?”
If I were Kelsea, I’d probably leave the room in disgust. I’d give up.
“You need to get me help,” I say. “This is something I’ve been thinking about for a long time.” I put the journal on the table, shove it over to him. This might ultimately be my biggest betrayal of Kelsea. I feel awful, but then I conjure Rhiannon’s voice in my ear, telling me I am doing the right thing.
Kelsea’s father puts down the drumstick, picks up the journal. Starts reading it. I try to decode his expression. He doesn’t want to be seeing this. Resents that it’s happening. Hates it, even. But not her. He keeps reading because even if he hates the situation, he doesn’t hate her.
“Kelsea …,” he chokes out.
I wish she could see how it hits him. The look on his face, his life caving in. Because then maybe she’d realize, if only for a split second, that even though the world doesn’t matter to her, she matters to the world.
“This isn’t just some … thing?” he asks.
I shake my head. It’s a stupid question, but I’m not going to call him on it.
“So what do we do?”
There. I have him.
“We need to get help,” I tell him. “Tomorrow morning we need to find a counselor who’s open on Saturday, and we need to see what we have to do. I probably need medication. I definitely need to talk to a doctor. I have been living this for so long.”
“But why didn’t you tell me?”
Why didn’t you see? I want to ask back. But now’s not the time for that. He’ll get there on his own.
“That doesn’t matter. We need to focus on now. I am asking for help. You need to get me help.”
“Are you sure it can wait until morning?”
“I’m not going to do anything tonight. But tomorrow you have to watch me. You have to force me if I change my mind. I might change my mind. I might pretend that this whole conversation didn’t happen. Keep that notebook. It’s the truth. If I fight you, fight me back. Call an ambulance.”
“An ambulance?”
“That’s how serious this is, Dad.”
It’s the last word that really brings it home to him. I don’t think Kelsea uses it that often.
He’s crying now. We just stay there, looking at each other.
Finally, he says, “Have some dinner.”
I take some chicken from the bucket, then bring it back to my room. I’ve said everything I’ve needed to say.
Kelsea will have to tell him the rest.
I hear him pacing throughout the house. I hear him on the phone to someone, and I hope it’s someone who can help him the way Rhiannon helped me. I hear him stop outside the door, afraid to open it but still listening in. I make small stirring noises, so he knows I’m awake, alive.
I fall asleep to the sound of his concern.
Day 6006
The phone rings.
I reach for it, thinking it’s Rhiannon.
Even though it can’t be.
I look at the name on the screen. Austin.
My boyfriend.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Hugo! This is your nine a.m. wake-up call. I will be there in an hour. Go make yourself purdy.”
“Whatever you say,” I mumble.
There’s a lot I have to do in an hour.
First, there’s the usual getting up, getting showered, and getting dressed. In the kitchen, I can hear my parents talking loudly in a language I don’t know. It sounds like Spanish but isn’t Spanish, so I’m guessing it’s Portuguese. Foreign languages throw me—I have a beginner’s grasp of a few of them, but I can’t really access a person’s memory fast enough to pretend to be fluent in any of them. I access and find that Hugo’s parents are from Brazil. But that’s not going to help me understand them better. So I steer clear of the kitchen.
