“I’m sorry.”
I wonder why it is that she’s strong enough to say no to me, but not strong enough to say no to him.
“What do you want to do?” I ask her.
She matches my glance perfectly. “What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to do whatever you feel is best for you.”
“That’s the wrong answer,” she tells me.
“Why is it the wrong answer?”
“Because it’s a lie.”
You are so close, I think. You are so close, and I can’t reach you.
“Let’s go back to my original question,” I say. “What do you want to do?”
“I don’t want to throw everything away for something uncertain.”
“What about me is uncertain?”
She laughs. “Really? Do I have to explain it to you?”
“Besides that. You know you are the most important person I’ve ever had in my life. That’s certain.”
“In just two weeks. That’s uncertain.”
“You know more about me than anyone else does.”
“But I can’t say the same for you. Not yet.”
“You can’t deny that there’s something between us.”
“No. There is. When I saw you today—I didn’t know I’d been waiting for you until you were there. And then all of that waiting rushed through me in a second. That’s something … but I don’t know if it’s certainty.”
I know what I’m asking of you, I want to say. But I stop myself. Because I realize that would be another lie. And she’d call me on it.
She looks at the clock. “I have to get ready for my test. And you have another life to get back to.”
I can’t help myself. I ask, “Don’t you want to see me?”
She holds there for a moment. “I do. And I don’t. You would think it would make things easier, but it actually makes them harder.”
“So I shouldn’t just show up here?”
“Let’s stick to email for now. Okay?”
And just like that, the universe goes wrong. Just like that, all the enormity seems to shrink into a ball and float away from my reach.
I feel it, and she doesn’t.
Or I feel it, and she won’t.
Day 6010
I am four hours away from her.
I’m a girl named Chevelle, and I can’t stand the idea of going to school today. So I feign sickness, get permission to stay home. I try to read, play video games, surf the Web, do all the things I used to do to fill the time.
None of them work. The time still feels empty.
I keep checking my email.
Nothing from her.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Day 6011
I am only thirty minutes away from her.
I am woken at dawn by my sister shaking me, shouting my name, Valeria.
I think I’m late for school.
But no. I’m late for work.
I am a maid. An underage, illegal maid.
Valeria doesn’t speak English, so all the thoughts I have to access are in Spanish. I barely know what’s happening. It takes me time to translate what’s going on.
There are four of us in the apartment. We put on our uniforms and a van comes to pick us up. I am the youngest, the least respected. My sister speaks to me, and I nod. I feel like my insides are twisting, and at first I think it’s just because of the shock of the situation. Then I realize they really are twisting. Cramps.
I find the words and tell my sister this. She understands, but I’m still going to have to work.
More women join us in the van. And another girl my age. Some people chat, but my sister and I don’t say a word to any of them.
The van starts dropping us off at people’s homes. Always at least two of us per house, sometimes three or four. I am paired with my sister.
I am in charge of bathrooms. I must scrub the toilets. Remove the hairs from the shower. Shine the mirrors until they gleam.
Each of us is in her own room. We do not talk. We don’t play music. We just work.
I am sweating in my uniform. The cramps will not go away. The medicine cabinets are full, but I know that I am here to clean, not to take. Nobody would miss two Midol, but it’s not worth the risk.
When I get to the master bathroom, the woman of the house is still in her bedroom, talking on the phone. She doesn’t think I can understand a word she says. What a shock it would be were Valeria to stomp right in and start talking to her about the laws of thermodynamics, or the life of Thomas Jefferson, in flawless English.
After two hours, we are done with the house. I think that will be it, but there are four more houses after that. By the end, I can barely move, and my sister, seeing this, does the bathrooms with me. We are a team, and that kinship gives the day the only memory worth keeping.
By the time we get home, I can barely speak. I force myself to have dinner, but it’s a silent meal. Then I head to bed, leaving room for my sister beside me.
Email is not an option.
Day 6012
I am an hour away from her.
I open Sallie Swain’s eyes and search her room for a computer. Before I’m fully awake, I am loading up my email.
A,
I’m sorry I didn’t get to write to you yesterday. I meant to, but then all these other things happened (none of them important, just time-consuming). Even though it was hard to see you, it was good to see you. I mean it. But taking a break and thinking things out makes sense.
How was your day? What did you do?
I wonder why it is that she’s strong enough to say no to me, but not strong enough to say no to him.
“What do you want to do?” I ask her.
She matches my glance perfectly. “What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to do whatever you feel is best for you.”
“That’s the wrong answer,” she tells me.
“Why is it the wrong answer?”
“Because it’s a lie.”
You are so close, I think. You are so close, and I can’t reach you.
“Let’s go back to my original question,” I say. “What do you want to do?”
“I don’t want to throw everything away for something uncertain.”
“What about me is uncertain?”
She laughs. “Really? Do I have to explain it to you?”
“Besides that. You know you are the most important person I’ve ever had in my life. That’s certain.”
“In just two weeks. That’s uncertain.”
“You know more about me than anyone else does.”
“But I can’t say the same for you. Not yet.”
“You can’t deny that there’s something between us.”
“No. There is. When I saw you today—I didn’t know I’d been waiting for you until you were there. And then all of that waiting rushed through me in a second. That’s something … but I don’t know if it’s certainty.”
I know what I’m asking of you, I want to say. But I stop myself. Because I realize that would be another lie. And she’d call me on it.
She looks at the clock. “I have to get ready for my test. And you have another life to get back to.”
I can’t help myself. I ask, “Don’t you want to see me?”
She holds there for a moment. “I do. And I don’t. You would think it would make things easier, but it actually makes them harder.”
“So I shouldn’t just show up here?”
“Let’s stick to email for now. Okay?”
And just like that, the universe goes wrong. Just like that, all the enormity seems to shrink into a ball and float away from my reach.
I feel it, and she doesn’t.
Or I feel it, and she won’t.
Day 6010
I am four hours away from her.
I’m a girl named Chevelle, and I can’t stand the idea of going to school today. So I feign sickness, get permission to stay home. I try to read, play video games, surf the Web, do all the things I used to do to fill the time.
None of them work. The time still feels empty.
I keep checking my email.
Nothing from her.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Day 6011
I am only thirty minutes away from her.
I am woken at dawn by my sister shaking me, shouting my name, Valeria.
I think I’m late for school.
But no. I’m late for work.
I am a maid. An underage, illegal maid.
Valeria doesn’t speak English, so all the thoughts I have to access are in Spanish. I barely know what’s happening. It takes me time to translate what’s going on.
There are four of us in the apartment. We put on our uniforms and a van comes to pick us up. I am the youngest, the least respected. My sister speaks to me, and I nod. I feel like my insides are twisting, and at first I think it’s just because of the shock of the situation. Then I realize they really are twisting. Cramps.
I find the words and tell my sister this. She understands, but I’m still going to have to work.
More women join us in the van. And another girl my age. Some people chat, but my sister and I don’t say a word to any of them.
The van starts dropping us off at people’s homes. Always at least two of us per house, sometimes three or four. I am paired with my sister.
I am in charge of bathrooms. I must scrub the toilets. Remove the hairs from the shower. Shine the mirrors until they gleam.
Each of us is in her own room. We do not talk. We don’t play music. We just work.
I am sweating in my uniform. The cramps will not go away. The medicine cabinets are full, but I know that I am here to clean, not to take. Nobody would miss two Midol, but it’s not worth the risk.
When I get to the master bathroom, the woman of the house is still in her bedroom, talking on the phone. She doesn’t think I can understand a word she says. What a shock it would be were Valeria to stomp right in and start talking to her about the laws of thermodynamics, or the life of Thomas Jefferson, in flawless English.
After two hours, we are done with the house. I think that will be it, but there are four more houses after that. By the end, I can barely move, and my sister, seeing this, does the bathrooms with me. We are a team, and that kinship gives the day the only memory worth keeping.
By the time we get home, I can barely speak. I force myself to have dinner, but it’s a silent meal. Then I head to bed, leaving room for my sister beside me.
Email is not an option.
Day 6012
I am an hour away from her.
I open Sallie Swain’s eyes and search her room for a computer. Before I’m fully awake, I am loading up my email.
A,
I’m sorry I didn’t get to write to you yesterday. I meant to, but then all these other things happened (none of them important, just time-consuming). Even though it was hard to see you, it was good to see you. I mean it. But taking a break and thinking things out makes sense.
How was your day? What did you do?
