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“Jesus. You guys can’t do this to me. No one’s going to touch me after this.”
Olly wants to go to his dad and tell him everything is going to be OK, but he can’t. He’s too afraid. He slips out of the room, taking his hot chocolate with him.
The first time Olly’s dad gets afternoon drunk, violent drunk, yelling-at-the-top-of-his-lungs drunk, doesn’t-remember-what-happened-the-next-day drunk doesn’t happen until a few months later. He’d been home all day, arguing with financial news shows on television. One of the anchors mentioned the name of his old company, and his dad raged. He poured whiskey into a tall glass and then added vodka and gin. He mixed them together with a long spoon until the mixture was no longer the pale amber color of the whiskey and looked like water instead.
Olly watched the color fade in the glass and remembered the day his dad got fired and how he’d been too afraid to comfort him. What if he had, would things be different now? What if?
He remembered how his dad had said that one thing doesn’t always lead to another.
He remembered sitting at the breakfast bar and stirring the milk and chocolate together. How the chocolate turned white, and the milk turned brown, and how sometimes you can’t unmix things no matter how much you might want to.
A Tale of Two Maddys
“Your mother wants to know if I’ve noticed anything different about you lately,” says Carla from across the living room.
I’m watching the first Mission: Impossible movie with Tom Cruise. He plays a superspy, Ethan Hunt, who leads a double, sometimes triple, and sometimes quadruple life. It’s toward the end and Ethan has just unmasked himself, literally, to catch the bad guys.
Carla repeats herself, louder this time.
“And have you?” I ask, pausing the movie just as Ethan is pulling off his incredibly realistic face mask to reveal his true face. I tilt my head to one side for a better perspective.
Carla grabs the remote from my hand and hits pause. She tosses the remote into the corner of the couch.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, feeling guilty for ignoring her.
“It’s you. And that boy.”
“What do you mean?”
She sighs and sits. “I knew it was a mistake letting you two see each other.”
She has my full attention now. “What did my mom say?”
“Did you cancel a movie night with her?”
I knew I shouldn’t have done it. She looked so hurt and disappointed, but I didn’t want to wait until after nine to IM with Olly. I can’t get enough of talking to him. I’m overflowing with words. I’ll never come to the end of all the things I want to say to him.
“And she says you’re distracted all the time. And you ordered a lot of clothes. And shoes. And she almost beat you at some game that you always win.”
“Does she suspect?”
“That’s all you’re worrying about? Listen to what I’m telling you. Your mother is missing you. She’s lonely without you. You should’ve seen her face when she was asking me.”
“No,” she says, holding a hand up. “You can’t see him anymore.” She picks up the discarded remote and clutches it in her hands, looking anywhere but at me.
Panic sends my heart racing. “Carla, please. Please don’t take him away from me.”
“He’s not yours!”
“No, you don’t know. He’s not yours. Maybe he has time for you right now, but he’s going to go back to school soon. He’s going to meet some girl, and he’s going to be her Olly. You understand me?”
I know she’s just trying to protect me, just as I was trying to protect myself a few short weeks ago, but her words make me aware that the heart in my chest is a muscle like any other. It can hurt.
“I understand,” I say quietly.
“Spend some time with your mother. Boys come and go, but mothers are forever.”
I’m sure she’s said these very same words to her Rosa.
“All right.” She hands me back the remote. Together we watch the unmoving screen.
She pushes down on the tops of her knees with both hands and rises.
“Did you mean it?” I ask her when she’s halfway across the room.
“You said that love couldn’t kill me.”
“Yes, but it might kill your mother.” She manages a small smile.
I hold my breath, waiting.
“OK, fine. You can still see him, but you have to get some sense into you. You understand?”
I nod my agreement and turn the television off. Ethan Hunt vanishes.
I spend the rest of the day in the sunroom away from Carla. I’m not angry at Carla, but I’m not not angry either. All my doubts about keeping Olly a secret from my mom have vanished. I can’t believe that one canceled date with her almost led to my not being able to see Olly again. Before, I was worried about keeping secrets from her. Now, I’m worried about not being able to have any secrets at all. I know she’s not upset that I bought new clothes. She’s upset that I didn’t ask her opinion and bought them in colors that she didn’t expect. She’s upset with the change she didn’t see coming. I resent and understand it at the same time. She’s had to control so many things to keep me safe in my bubble.
And she’s not wrong. I have been distracted when I’m with her, my mind constantly tuning into Radio Olly. I know she’s not wrong. But still I resent it. Isn’t growing apart a part of growing up? Don’t I even get to have this bit of normalcy?