Why haven't we heard this thing before? Seth wondered.
She probably never moos. I think she's in pain, Kendra observed. See how swollen the udder looks? I bet it could fill a swimming pool.
Seriously.
Somebody probably milks her every morning.
And nobody did today, said Seth.
They stood and stared. The cow continued munching from the hayloft. Seth pointed at the back of the barn.
Chapter Seventeen
Look at the manure!
Sick!
The world's biggest cow pie!
You would notice that.
The cow let out another bellowing complaint, the most insistent so far. They clamped their hands over their ears until the lowing stopped.
We probably should try to milk her, Kendra said.
How are we supposed to do that! Seth cried.
There has to be a way. They must do it all the time.
We can't even reach her thingies.
I bet that cow could tear this place apart if she wanted.
I mean, look at her! She keeps getting more upset. Her udder looks like it's about to burst. Who knows what kind of powers she has. Her milk lets people see fairies. The last thing we need is a giant magical cow running around loose.
It could be total mayhem.
Folding his arms, Seth surveyed the task. This is impossible.
We need to search the closets. Maybe they have special tools.
What about Grandpa?
We're out of leads, said Kendra. If we don't milk this cow, we could end up with a new disaster on our hands.
In the closets they found a variety of tools and equipment, but no obvious gear for milking gargantuan cows. There were empty barrels all around, in and out of closets, which Kendra figured must be used for catching milk. In one closet Kendra found a couple of A-frame ladders. These might be all we need, she said.
How do we even get our hands around those things?
We don't.
There has to be a gigantic milking machine, Seth said.
I'm not seeing anything like that. But it might work if we just hug and drop.
Are you nuts?
Why not? Kendra said, motioning between the teats and the floor. It isn't that far from the nipples to the ground.
We're not trying to use barrels?
No, we can waste the milk. Barrels would get in the way. We just need to relieve the pressure.
What if she steps on us?
She hardly has any room to move. If we stay under the udder, we'll be fine.
They dragged the ladders into position, one beside each of two teats on the same side of the mammoth cow. They climbed the ladders. Only by standing one rung from the top were they high enough to grip the teat near the udder.
Seth stood waiting while Kendra tried to get into position.
These feel wobbly, she said.
Balance.
She hesitantly stood upright. It felt a lot higher than it had looked from the ground. You ready?
No. I bet this barn will hold her.
We have to at least try.
Hug the thingy and slide down? Seth asked.
We'll trade off, you, then me, then you, then me.
Then we'll do the other side.
How about you start it?
You're better at this sort of stuff, Kendra said.
That's true, I milk a lot of giant cows. I'll show you my trophies sometime.
Seriously, you start, urged Kendra.
What if it hurts her?
I don't think we're big enough. I'm more worried that we're not going to be able to get any out.
So I should squeeze as hard as I can, Seth confirmed.
Sure.
Once I do it, you'll do it, and we'll just keep going as fast as we can.
And if I ever find a giant cow milking trophy, I'll buy it for you, Kendra offered.
I'd rather we kept it our little secret. You ready?
Go for it.
Hesitantly Seth placed a hand against the huge teat.
The cow mooed, and he recoiled, crouching and grabbing the ladder with both hands to steady himself. Kendra tried to stay balanced as she laughed. Finally the foghorn moo ended.
I changed my mind, Seth said.
I'll count to three, said Kendra.
You go first or I'm not doing it. I almost fell and wet my pants at the same time.
One... two... three!
Seth stepped off the ladder, embracing the teat. He slid down it and fell to the floor along with an impressive jet of milk. Kendra stepped off and hugged the teat as well. Even with her holding tightly, it slid through her embrace faster than she expected. She hit the floor with warm milk already soaking her jeans.
Seth was on his way back up the ladder. I'm already disgusted, he said, stepping off and sliding down again.
This time he kept his feet when he landed. Kendra went up and slid down again. Hugging as hard as she could, she descended a little more slowly, but still fell over when she hit the floor. Already milk was everywhere.
Soon they fell into a rhythm, both of them landing on their feet most of the time. The engorged udder hung low, and they got better at using the teat-hug to control their fall. Milk gushed copiously. While they were sliding, the teats sprayed like fire hoses. It must have been at least seventy jumps each before the output began to slacken.
Other side, Kendra gasped, breathing hard.
My arms are dead, Seth complained.
We have to hurry.
They scooted the ladders over and repeated the process.
Kendra tried to pretend she was on a surreal playground, where the kids waded in milk instead of sand and slid down thick, meaty poles.
Kendra focused on climbing the ladder and landing as lightly as possible. She worried that if either action became routine, she could have a bad accident, spraining an ankle, breaking a bone, or worse.
At the first sign that the flow of milk was slackening, they collapsed in exhaustion, not worried about lying in milk because their clothes and hair were already drenched.
Both of them gulped air desperately. Kendra put a hand to her neck. My heart is beating like a jackhammer.
I thought I was going to puke, that was so foul, complained Seth.
I'm more tired than sick.
Think about it. You're dripping with warm, raw milk while your face rubs down a cow nipple about a hundred times.
More than that.
We doused the whole barn, Seth said. I'm never drinking milk again.
I'm never going to the playground, Kendra vowed.
What?
Hard to explain.
Seth scanned the area under the cow. The floor has drains, but I don't think much of the milk is going down.
I saw a hose. I doubt the cow would like milk rotting all over the place. Kendra sat up and squeezed milk out of her hair. That was the best workout I ever had. I'm dead.
If I did that every day I'd look like Hercules, said Seth.
You mind grabbing the ladders?
Not if you do the hosing.
The hose was long and had good water pressure, and the drains seemed to have plenty of capacity. Flushing the milk away turned out to be the easiest part of the process.
Seth had Kendra hose him off, and then returned the favor.
From the time the milking began in earnest, the cow made no more noise and displayed no more interest in them. They called for Grandpa and Lena in the barn, just to be sure, starting with small voices to avoid startling the cow and gradually building to shouts. As had been their lot all day, their calls went unanswered.
Should we go back to the house? Kendra asked.
I guess. It will be dark before long.
I'm tired. And hungry. We should look for food.
They left the barn. The day was waning.
You have a big tear in your shirt, Kendra said.
I ripped it while we were running from that ogress.
I have a pink one you can borrow.
This will work fine, said Seth, once it dries off.
The pink one would hide you just as well as the camouflage, Kendra said.
Are all girls as brainless as you?
You're telling me a green shirt will make you invisible to monsters?
No. Less visible. Less is the point. Less than your blue one.
I guess I should find a green one too.
An Unexpected Message Sitting on the floor in the dining room, Kendra took a bite of her second peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich.
Scouring the kitchen, she and Seth had found enough food to last for weeks. The pantry contained canned fruits and vegetables, unbroken jars of preserves, bread, oatmeal, cream of wheat, crackers, tuna, and lots of other stuff.
The fridge still worked, even lying on its side, and they cleaned out the broken glass the best they could. There remained plenty of milk, cheese, and eggs. The freezer held a lot of meat.
Kendra took another bite. Leaning back, she closed her eyes. She had felt hungry enough for a second sandwich, but now she doubted she would finish it. I'm exhausted, she announced.
Me too, Seth said. He put a piece of cheese on a cracker and topped it with a sardine bathed in mustard sauce. My eyes feel itchy.
My throat feels prickly, Kendra said. The sun isn't even down.
What are we going to do about Grandpa?
I think the best thing we can do is get some rest. We'll think more clearly in the morning.
How long did we sleep last night? Seth asked.
About half an hour, Kendra guessed.
We've stayed up for almost two days!
Now you'll sleep for two days.
Whatever, said Seth.
It's true. Your glands will secrete a cocoon.
I'm not that gullible.
That's why you're so hungry. You're storing up fat for hibernation.
Seth finished the cracker. You should try a sardine.
I don't eat fish with the heads still attached.
The heads are the best part! You can feel the eyes pop when you- Enough. Kendra stood up. I need to get to bed.
Seth rose as well. Me too.
They climbed the stairs, passed down the cluttered hall, and mounted the steps to the attic. Their room had taken a beating, everything except the beds. Goldilocks strutted over to the corner and started clucking. Her feed was scattered across the floor.
You're right that the salt didn't seem to be working, Seth said.
It might only work in here.
They were jerks, but those goat guys were pretty funny.
They're called satyrs, Kendra said.
I need to find some C batteries. They said they'd give us gold.
They didn't say how much.
Still, trading batteries for gold! I could become a millionaire.
I'm not sure I'd trust those guys. Kendra flopped onto her bed, face in her pillow. What does Goldilocks keep clucking about?
I bet she misses her cage. Seth crossed the floor to the flustered hen. Kendra, you better come see this.
Can I look in the morning? she said, her voice muffled by the pillow.
You need to look now.
Kendra pushed herself off her bed and walked over to Seth. In the corner on the floor, more than a hundred feed kernels had been arranged to form six letters: I M GRAM You've got to be kidding, Kendra said. She gave Seth a suspicious glance. Did you write this?
No! No way!
Kendra squatted in front of Goldilocks. You're my Grandma Sorenson?
The hen bobbed her head, as if in affirmation.
Was that a yes?
The head bobbed again.
Give me a 'no' so I can be sure, Kendra said.
Goldilocks shook her head.
How did this happen? Seth asked. Somebody transformed you?
The chicken bobbed her head.
How do we change you back? Kendra asked.
Goldilocks held still.
Why didn't Grandpa change her back? Seth asked.
Did Grandpa Sorenson try to restore you? Kendra inquired.
Goldilocks bobbed her head and then shook it.
Yes and no?
The head nodded.
He tried but failed, Kendra guessed.
The hen gave another affirmative.
Do you know a way we can change you back? Kendra asked.
Another head bob.
Chapter Eighteen
Is it something we can do in the house? Kendra asked.
The head shook.
Do we need to take you to the witch? Seth tried.
The head bobbed. And then the hen flapped her wings, moving away.
Wait, Grandma! Kendra reached for the hen, but the flustered bird dodged her grasp. She's freaking out.
Seth chased her down. Grandma, he said, can you still hear us?
The hen made no acknowledgment of comprehension.
Grandma, Kendra said, can you still respond to us?
The chicken squirmed. Seth kept hold of her. The chicken pecked his hand, and he dropped her. They watched Goldilocks. For several minutes, she did nothing to suggest abnormal intelligence and offered no recognizable reaction to any questions.
She was answering us before, right? Kendra asked.
She wrote us a message! Seth said, pointing at the I M GRAM in the corner.
She must have had just a short window to communicate with us, Kendra reasoned. Once she got the message across, she left it in our hands.
Why hasn't she spoken up before?
I don't know. Maybe she's tried, but we never got the message.
Seth cocked his head thoughtfully and then gave a small shrug. Do we take her to the witch in the morning?
I don't know. Muriel only has one knot left.
No matter what, we don't undo the last knot. But maybe we could bargain with her.
Bargain with what? Kendra asked.
We could bring food. Or other stuff. Things to make her more comfortable in that shack.
I don't picture her going for it. She'll know we're desperate to fix Grandma.
We won't give her another choice.
Kendra bit her lip. What if she won't budge? She wouldn't for Grandpa. Do we set Muriel free if she will change Grandma back?
No way! said Seth. As soon as she gets free, what keeps her from turning all of us into chickens?
Grandpa said you can't use magic against others here unless they use it on you first. We never caused Muriel any harm, did we?
But she's a witch, Seth said. Why would she be locked up if she wasn't dangerous?
I'm not saying I want to let her go. I'm saying, we might be in an emergency situation where we have no other options. It might be worth the risk in order to get Grandma back to help us.
