I open my mouth to ask her not to, then close it again. First of all, asking her not to say anything to Max is practically admitting that the gift is from another man. Second, some small, shallow part of me likes the idea of Max knowing I got a gift like this from someone else. And yes, I know this makes me small and terrible, and all-around unworthy of both of these guys, but maybe after all these years living in the same town as Meredith, some of her bitchiness is rubbing off on me.
I take the slip back from Liz and return it to the box. “I think I’ll take these to my room.”
“Okay,” she mumbles behind me. Crap. I’ve hurt her, and she has no idea that she hurt me first.
After padding to my room, I close the door behind me and pull the envelope from my pocket, my nerves buzzing. I don’t need a tag to know this box isn’t from Max. And maybe it’s crazy for a girl like me to believe that a rocker I spent a wickedly sexy night with would send me a gift…but I know. I just know this is from Nate even before I open the envelope.
But even as sure as I am, when I pull out the paper inside and see a handwritten note, I gasp a little. His writing is tall and narrow, the words scratched with a black felt-tip pen.
Angel,
A pair to replace the one I ruined—I regret nothing—and the slip that goes with it because I spent five minutes in the store staring at it and imagining how it would look on you. After that, I either had to buy it dinner or send it to you.
Maybe you’re back with the ex by now, but I have a concert in Chicago this weekend, and when I imagined you waiting in my room after… Well, let’s just say I liked the idea a hell of a lot.
I’m staying at the Waldorf Astoria. They’ll have a key and concert tickets waiting for you at the front desk.
-Nate
28. Max
HANNA’S ON the treadmill. Again. That’s twice today. At least a dozen times so far this week. She’s practically taken up residence on the damn thing in the weeks since we split.
I put my hand on the rail and look at her, but she’s got her earbuds in and doesn’t even notice me. The club closed fifteen minutes ago.
What’s she running from?
My stomach knots as I think of those old texts between me and Meredith. Is that what has had her working out two to three times a day?
Her ponytail bobs as she runs, and her eyes seem vacant without her ever-present smile. That smile’s been a rare sight these last weeks.
Suddenly she realizes I’m standing next to her, and she slows the treadmill to a crawl and takes in the empty club. “You’re closed,” she says, pulling the earbuds from her ears. “I’m sorry. I’ll get out of the way.”
The treadmill beeps as she shuts it down and hops off.
She grabs her purse off the floor and starts toward the door, but I touch her arm to stop her.
“I need to show you something.”
Her gaze drops to my hand on her arm then back to my face. Tiny splinters of regret drag through my heart at her expression. Every time she looks at me, I feel like I’ve smacked her. I can’t undo the past. I want to. I would. But I can’t, so I’m left here, helpless.
“Come with me,” I whisper. I lead her into the women’s locker room and past the showers to the floor-to-ceiling mirrors at the back. The silence pulses around us like an unwelcome visitor. I turn her toward the mirror and stand behind her.
She frowns at my reflection. “Max, what are you doing?”
My heart slams in my chest as I study her. There’s nothing I want as badly as I want to kiss her again. I want to taste the tender spot at the crook of her neck. I want to hear her soft moan as I pull her bottom lip between my teeth. I want to get her na**d and touch her until she’s breathless and turned on, make her beg until she understands how f**king beautiful she is.
“Look.” The word comes out harder than I intended, a brusque command.
“At what?” Her gaze skips over her reflection quickly, dismissing it.
“Look at yourself, Hanna.” When she tries to turn, I hold her shoulders and make her face her reflection. “Look at the woman you are, not the woman you think you are.”
Her breath catches and she tries to turn away, but I hold her still, make her look. “I know what I look like.”
“Do you?” I skim my knuckles over her jaw. I can’t help myself. It’s been too long since I’ve touched her, and I miss the feel of her skin under my fingers. I miss her kiss. The way she’d curl into my chest and sigh like she’d found heaven and I was some sort of a god. I miss her laugh and her smile. I miss my girlfriend. “I don’t think you have any idea how beautiful you are, Hanna.”
Her eyes brim with tears. “Why are you doing this?”
“I see you out there, running like a woman possessed. Pushing yourself until your legs shake and you can hardly stand. Lizzy tells me you’re hardly eating. If you would just look at yourself. If you would see what I see and—”
“Stop.” She steps out of my grasp and turns her back to the mirror. “You don’t get to give me this speech, Max. Not you.”
“Why not?”
She crosses her arms under her br**sts and lifts her chin. “Because it’s bullshit. We both know this isn’t about my so-called beauty. It’s about your guilt, but you don’t get to pretend anymore. I know the truth.”
My jaw hardens. “Pretend?”
“You know the truth. You know I’ll never be your type.” She pauses for a beat. Two. As if she needs a few seconds to remind herself to breathe. “And that’s okay. I’ve made my peace with that. But please don’t try to rewrite history and tell me that I was always the one you wanted.”
“I never said that. My biggest crime was being so hung up on Meredith that I didn’t see what was right in front of me. But I opened my eyes and realized what an idiot I was. I’d been on two, maybe three dates with you. I didn’t intend for anything to come of it. Then Meredith called me over—”
“I saw the texts,” she bites out. “I don’t need the play-by-play.”
“I went over to her house,” I growl, barreling forward. “And she kissed me. That’s all that happened. She kissed me, and I kept thinking about you. So I left.”
“So f**king noble of you.” She tries to push past me, but I grab her and wrap my arms around her, holding her tight against my chest.
“I’m done letting you blow me off. You’re going to listen to me this time. I left because I realized I wanted you.” She goes perfectly still in my arms, and I drop my mouth to her ear. “I know that doesn’t seem like much to you, but I’ve been in love with Meredith for years. And now she wants me for more than the occasional good time. She wants the life I wasted years dreaming she’d let me give her.”
“Then go to her,” she whispers.
“I can’t. I’ve felt real love with you. Good, healthy love. Love that makes me think about making babies and growing old. Settling in with someone whose hand in mine is the most comforting thing in the world. That’s what I want now, and I want it with you. All of it.”
“I don’t want a husband who sees me as the best companion. The best mother for his children. I want more than that. I want someone who wants me—physically—as much as you used to want Meredith.”
“I want you more than I ever wanted her.”
She scoffs. “Right.”
“I can’t believe how wrong I was.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I thought I was being the good guy by not pushing you about sex. I thought you needed me to be patient. To be okay with your rules, to be okay with you barely letting me touch you. But I was wrong. You needed to know. You needed me to show you how much I want you.” I drop my mouth to just above her ear. She smells so damn good. “I think about it all the time. My hands on your body. My mouth. The way you’d taste if you’d just let me kiss you everywhere.” I pull back, breathing heavily, fighting to keep myself from touching her, from kissing her until she listens to me.
She squeezes her eyes shut. “You’re confusing me.”
“Good. Maybe that means you’re finally listening to me.”
“Max…”
I step close, skim the shell of her ear with my lips “How can I prove it to you?” I whisper. “I’d think knowing how hard you made me when we touched might be enough evidence, but apparently not. Maybe you need more than that. Maybe you need to know how much self-control it took me not to seduce you. Or maybe you need to know that when you sucked my dick, the sight of your lips stretched over me turned me on so much that I had to close my eyes so I wouldn’t embarrass myself. Or maybe that’s not enough for you. Maybe I also need to tell you about what I think about when no one’s around. Maybe if you could see what I’m picturing when I jack off—if you had any idea how much I fantasize about driving inside of you, sucking those tits, making you come—maybe then you’d believe me.”
29. Nate
HANNA’S NAKED, sitting on the edge of my bed and staring at her phone.
I rub my eyes and look at the clock. It’s six in the morning. I came back to my room last night and found her waiting for me. I stripped her bare and kissed her until I couldn’t think anymore. Every day since my father’s death, I’ve felt myself sink a little further into the darkness.
Vivian doesn’t want Collin to be raised in LA, and I can understand that. Hell, I agree with her. But the week my father died, Vivian and her new husband started looking at houses in Tennessee. When Collin told me about it, he slipped and called Vivian’s husband “Dad.”
It was an accident, and Collin caught himself and giggled away his mistake. I tickled him and acted like it didn’t matter, but the slip ate at me. The fact that he said it by mistake and not deliberately proved something, didn’t it? And the more I thought about their move, their happy little new family, the more I realized I’ve lost my place in my own family again. Right now, I’m Collin’s second family, but soon, I won’t even be that. I’ll be tertiary. An afterthought.
Unwelcome at my own father’s funeral and soon to be an afterthought to my only son, I slipped deeper and deeper. The night I met Hanna was a bright spot in the darkness, and when I made myself say goodbye to her, it came back—suffocating me until not even the sound of Collin’s voice was enough to let me draw a full breath.
So I summoned my angel, knew I could climb out of the depths on the sound of her moans alone. I had her coming for the first time before we ever left the foyer, and by the time I had her in my bed, I felt like I could breathe again.
But I’m so f**king selfish that I didn’t think until now how much, by saving me, she’s tormenting herself.
Rolling over, I brush my knuckles across her shoulder blades. “What is it?”
She doesn’t look up from her phone. “It’s Max,” she says softly. “He wanted to check in and make sure I’m having a safe trip.”
I tense. If I’ve ever been used before, I’ve never cared. But the idea of my time with Hanna all working to manipulate the ex? The idea grates on me.
“What does he think of you being here with me?”
With a click, she places the phone back on the bedside table. “He doesn’t know. Everyone thinks I got an out-of-town wedding cake gig.”
I want to reach for her. Last night, I was so wrapped up in my own grief and my own need, I was so busy running from my own demons, that I didn’t think to ask about hers. But now I want to touch the tight lines around her eyes and make it better. To trace my thumb down her cheeks until I find the tracks of the tears he made her cry.
“I almost didn’t expect you to come,” I confess. “I thought you’d be back with him by now.”
When she turns to me, there’s an apology in her eyes. “I kissed him.”
“Okay.” Her words have jealousy eating at my gut. And f**k that.
“It just happened.”
“You can kiss anyone you want, you know,” I say carefully. “You don’t owe me anything.”
“I know but…this is different for me. I’ve never…” She shakes her head.
I had no right to invite her here. I need to back off. Leave her alone. I’m not interested in being involved with a girl who thinks she can’t kiss her ex-boyfriend. So I have no idea why I ask, “What’s his hold on you?”
Standing, she shakes her head and turns away, blocking her face from my view. “It doesn’t matter. It’s over.”
“You’re a terrible liar,” I say flatly.
She releases a humorless chuckle. “Better than an accomplished one, I guess.” She’s silent for a beat, and I wait, knowing she’s building to something, collecting her thoughts. Finally, she lets her gaze meet mine. “He proposed. After I got home from St. Louis.”
I blink. I’m not even sure what to do with that information. I’m not one of those guys who claims all women confound him. I like to think Janelle taught me the basics of understanding the female psyche. It’s one thing for Hanna to keep me secret from an ex. It’s quite another for us to have a secret fling when she has a fiancé.
“I told him I couldn’t,” she says.
I don’t like the relief I feel. “But you wanted to say yes.”
“I don’t know.” She worries her bottom lip between her teeth. “He told me to keep the ring. To give it time. He said he’d wait for me.”
I take the slip back from Liz and return it to the box. “I think I’ll take these to my room.”
“Okay,” she mumbles behind me. Crap. I’ve hurt her, and she has no idea that she hurt me first.
After padding to my room, I close the door behind me and pull the envelope from my pocket, my nerves buzzing. I don’t need a tag to know this box isn’t from Max. And maybe it’s crazy for a girl like me to believe that a rocker I spent a wickedly sexy night with would send me a gift…but I know. I just know this is from Nate even before I open the envelope.
But even as sure as I am, when I pull out the paper inside and see a handwritten note, I gasp a little. His writing is tall and narrow, the words scratched with a black felt-tip pen.
Angel,
A pair to replace the one I ruined—I regret nothing—and the slip that goes with it because I spent five minutes in the store staring at it and imagining how it would look on you. After that, I either had to buy it dinner or send it to you.
Maybe you’re back with the ex by now, but I have a concert in Chicago this weekend, and when I imagined you waiting in my room after… Well, let’s just say I liked the idea a hell of a lot.
I’m staying at the Waldorf Astoria. They’ll have a key and concert tickets waiting for you at the front desk.
-Nate
28. Max
HANNA’S ON the treadmill. Again. That’s twice today. At least a dozen times so far this week. She’s practically taken up residence on the damn thing in the weeks since we split.
I put my hand on the rail and look at her, but she’s got her earbuds in and doesn’t even notice me. The club closed fifteen minutes ago.
What’s she running from?
My stomach knots as I think of those old texts between me and Meredith. Is that what has had her working out two to three times a day?
Her ponytail bobs as she runs, and her eyes seem vacant without her ever-present smile. That smile’s been a rare sight these last weeks.
Suddenly she realizes I’m standing next to her, and she slows the treadmill to a crawl and takes in the empty club. “You’re closed,” she says, pulling the earbuds from her ears. “I’m sorry. I’ll get out of the way.”
The treadmill beeps as she shuts it down and hops off.
She grabs her purse off the floor and starts toward the door, but I touch her arm to stop her.
“I need to show you something.”
Her gaze drops to my hand on her arm then back to my face. Tiny splinters of regret drag through my heart at her expression. Every time she looks at me, I feel like I’ve smacked her. I can’t undo the past. I want to. I would. But I can’t, so I’m left here, helpless.
“Come with me,” I whisper. I lead her into the women’s locker room and past the showers to the floor-to-ceiling mirrors at the back. The silence pulses around us like an unwelcome visitor. I turn her toward the mirror and stand behind her.
She frowns at my reflection. “Max, what are you doing?”
My heart slams in my chest as I study her. There’s nothing I want as badly as I want to kiss her again. I want to taste the tender spot at the crook of her neck. I want to hear her soft moan as I pull her bottom lip between my teeth. I want to get her na**d and touch her until she’s breathless and turned on, make her beg until she understands how f**king beautiful she is.
“Look.” The word comes out harder than I intended, a brusque command.
“At what?” Her gaze skips over her reflection quickly, dismissing it.
“Look at yourself, Hanna.” When she tries to turn, I hold her shoulders and make her face her reflection. “Look at the woman you are, not the woman you think you are.”
Her breath catches and she tries to turn away, but I hold her still, make her look. “I know what I look like.”
“Do you?” I skim my knuckles over her jaw. I can’t help myself. It’s been too long since I’ve touched her, and I miss the feel of her skin under my fingers. I miss her kiss. The way she’d curl into my chest and sigh like she’d found heaven and I was some sort of a god. I miss her laugh and her smile. I miss my girlfriend. “I don’t think you have any idea how beautiful you are, Hanna.”
Her eyes brim with tears. “Why are you doing this?”
“I see you out there, running like a woman possessed. Pushing yourself until your legs shake and you can hardly stand. Lizzy tells me you’re hardly eating. If you would just look at yourself. If you would see what I see and—”
“Stop.” She steps out of my grasp and turns her back to the mirror. “You don’t get to give me this speech, Max. Not you.”
“Why not?”
She crosses her arms under her br**sts and lifts her chin. “Because it’s bullshit. We both know this isn’t about my so-called beauty. It’s about your guilt, but you don’t get to pretend anymore. I know the truth.”
My jaw hardens. “Pretend?”
“You know the truth. You know I’ll never be your type.” She pauses for a beat. Two. As if she needs a few seconds to remind herself to breathe. “And that’s okay. I’ve made my peace with that. But please don’t try to rewrite history and tell me that I was always the one you wanted.”
“I never said that. My biggest crime was being so hung up on Meredith that I didn’t see what was right in front of me. But I opened my eyes and realized what an idiot I was. I’d been on two, maybe three dates with you. I didn’t intend for anything to come of it. Then Meredith called me over—”
“I saw the texts,” she bites out. “I don’t need the play-by-play.”
“I went over to her house,” I growl, barreling forward. “And she kissed me. That’s all that happened. She kissed me, and I kept thinking about you. So I left.”
“So f**king noble of you.” She tries to push past me, but I grab her and wrap my arms around her, holding her tight against my chest.
“I’m done letting you blow me off. You’re going to listen to me this time. I left because I realized I wanted you.” She goes perfectly still in my arms, and I drop my mouth to her ear. “I know that doesn’t seem like much to you, but I’ve been in love with Meredith for years. And now she wants me for more than the occasional good time. She wants the life I wasted years dreaming she’d let me give her.”
“Then go to her,” she whispers.
“I can’t. I’ve felt real love with you. Good, healthy love. Love that makes me think about making babies and growing old. Settling in with someone whose hand in mine is the most comforting thing in the world. That’s what I want now, and I want it with you. All of it.”
“I don’t want a husband who sees me as the best companion. The best mother for his children. I want more than that. I want someone who wants me—physically—as much as you used to want Meredith.”
“I want you more than I ever wanted her.”
She scoffs. “Right.”
“I can’t believe how wrong I was.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I thought I was being the good guy by not pushing you about sex. I thought you needed me to be patient. To be okay with your rules, to be okay with you barely letting me touch you. But I was wrong. You needed to know. You needed me to show you how much I want you.” I drop my mouth to just above her ear. She smells so damn good. “I think about it all the time. My hands on your body. My mouth. The way you’d taste if you’d just let me kiss you everywhere.” I pull back, breathing heavily, fighting to keep myself from touching her, from kissing her until she listens to me.
She squeezes her eyes shut. “You’re confusing me.”
“Good. Maybe that means you’re finally listening to me.”
“Max…”
I step close, skim the shell of her ear with my lips “How can I prove it to you?” I whisper. “I’d think knowing how hard you made me when we touched might be enough evidence, but apparently not. Maybe you need more than that. Maybe you need to know how much self-control it took me not to seduce you. Or maybe you need to know that when you sucked my dick, the sight of your lips stretched over me turned me on so much that I had to close my eyes so I wouldn’t embarrass myself. Or maybe that’s not enough for you. Maybe I also need to tell you about what I think about when no one’s around. Maybe if you could see what I’m picturing when I jack off—if you had any idea how much I fantasize about driving inside of you, sucking those tits, making you come—maybe then you’d believe me.”
29. Nate
HANNA’S NAKED, sitting on the edge of my bed and staring at her phone.
I rub my eyes and look at the clock. It’s six in the morning. I came back to my room last night and found her waiting for me. I stripped her bare and kissed her until I couldn’t think anymore. Every day since my father’s death, I’ve felt myself sink a little further into the darkness.
Vivian doesn’t want Collin to be raised in LA, and I can understand that. Hell, I agree with her. But the week my father died, Vivian and her new husband started looking at houses in Tennessee. When Collin told me about it, he slipped and called Vivian’s husband “Dad.”
It was an accident, and Collin caught himself and giggled away his mistake. I tickled him and acted like it didn’t matter, but the slip ate at me. The fact that he said it by mistake and not deliberately proved something, didn’t it? And the more I thought about their move, their happy little new family, the more I realized I’ve lost my place in my own family again. Right now, I’m Collin’s second family, but soon, I won’t even be that. I’ll be tertiary. An afterthought.
Unwelcome at my own father’s funeral and soon to be an afterthought to my only son, I slipped deeper and deeper. The night I met Hanna was a bright spot in the darkness, and when I made myself say goodbye to her, it came back—suffocating me until not even the sound of Collin’s voice was enough to let me draw a full breath.
So I summoned my angel, knew I could climb out of the depths on the sound of her moans alone. I had her coming for the first time before we ever left the foyer, and by the time I had her in my bed, I felt like I could breathe again.
But I’m so f**king selfish that I didn’t think until now how much, by saving me, she’s tormenting herself.
Rolling over, I brush my knuckles across her shoulder blades. “What is it?”
She doesn’t look up from her phone. “It’s Max,” she says softly. “He wanted to check in and make sure I’m having a safe trip.”
I tense. If I’ve ever been used before, I’ve never cared. But the idea of my time with Hanna all working to manipulate the ex? The idea grates on me.
“What does he think of you being here with me?”
With a click, she places the phone back on the bedside table. “He doesn’t know. Everyone thinks I got an out-of-town wedding cake gig.”
I want to reach for her. Last night, I was so wrapped up in my own grief and my own need, I was so busy running from my own demons, that I didn’t think to ask about hers. But now I want to touch the tight lines around her eyes and make it better. To trace my thumb down her cheeks until I find the tracks of the tears he made her cry.
“I almost didn’t expect you to come,” I confess. “I thought you’d be back with him by now.”
When she turns to me, there’s an apology in her eyes. “I kissed him.”
“Okay.” Her words have jealousy eating at my gut. And f**k that.
“It just happened.”
“You can kiss anyone you want, you know,” I say carefully. “You don’t owe me anything.”
“I know but…this is different for me. I’ve never…” She shakes her head.
I had no right to invite her here. I need to back off. Leave her alone. I’m not interested in being involved with a girl who thinks she can’t kiss her ex-boyfriend. So I have no idea why I ask, “What’s his hold on you?”
Standing, she shakes her head and turns away, blocking her face from my view. “It doesn’t matter. It’s over.”
“You’re a terrible liar,” I say flatly.
She releases a humorless chuckle. “Better than an accomplished one, I guess.” She’s silent for a beat, and I wait, knowing she’s building to something, collecting her thoughts. Finally, she lets her gaze meet mine. “He proposed. After I got home from St. Louis.”
I blink. I’m not even sure what to do with that information. I’m not one of those guys who claims all women confound him. I like to think Janelle taught me the basics of understanding the female psyche. It’s one thing for Hanna to keep me secret from an ex. It’s quite another for us to have a secret fling when she has a fiancé.
“I told him I couldn’t,” she says.
I don’t like the relief I feel. “But you wanted to say yes.”
“I don’t know.” She worries her bottom lip between her teeth. “He told me to keep the ring. To give it time. He said he’d wait for me.”
