But I can’t do that, so I’m left here, helpless in the darkness, jealous of a dead man.
51. Hanna
MAYBE IT’S the hormones, but looking at William and Cally’s wedding cake has my eyes watering and my chest feeling painfully full. Simple tiers of white cake covered with silky fondant, it’s beautiful—just like they are together.
“It’s done,” Liz says behind me. “And it’s gorgeous. Quit fussing and go get a shower.”
The gallery is decorated for the ceremony, and since this is where the reception will be as well, I set up the cake in the back corner by the big windows that overlook the New Hope River.
“Need any help?” a deep voice asks behind me.
I turn and see Max holding a baby girl with a mop of dark hair.
I open my mouth. I should say something. Anything. But I can’t. My mouth is dry and my heart feels like it’s trying to claw its way out of a shallow grave because Max is holding a baby—cradling her in his arms—his lips curling into a smile every time his gaze dips to her face, and she keeps reaching her pudgy little fist up to touch the scruff along his jaw. The sight has so many conflicting emotions racing through me that I can hardly stand up straight, let alone sort them out.
“Is that Meredith’s baby?” Liz asks, maybe a little too much hostility in her voice.
Max raises a brow. “This is my daughter, Claire,” he says patiently.
I reach for her. It’s instinct. I need to hold that baby. I’m rewarded with Max’s slow, easy smile as he settles Claire into my arms, and as soon as I feel her warmth and smell her skin, I remember that I’ve held her before. And I loved her then too.
That doesn’t even make sense, but she’s a baby, a part of Max. Loving this child is as natural as breathing.
“How can something that came from Meredith be so cute and loveable?” Liz asks under her breath.
“She gets it from me,” Max says, winking at my sister. “Do you two need any help this morning? I was about to take Claire to my mom’s for the day, so I’ll be available.”
Reluctantly, I hand Claire back to Max. “I think everything’s set here. I’m going to go grab a shower and then start getting pretty.”
“Too late,” he says. “You’re already beautiful.”
I look down at my yoga pants and my stretched-out old T-shirt covered in smudges of white flour and frosting. “You need to raise your standards.”
Max drops a quick kiss on my forehead before leaving. It’s not until he’s gone that I realize Liz is staring at me like I have two heads.
“You want to tell me what that was about?” she asks.
Feeling my cheeks warm, I shrug and turn to pack up my supplies to haul back to the bakery.
She gasps. “You had sex last night.”
My cheeks go from warm summer day to inferno. “He is my fiancé,” I whisper defensively. I grab a towel from my supplies and wipe at my shirt, more for something to do than anything.
Liz clears her throat. “So how was he?”
Is there something hotter than an inferno?
“Man!” Her blond curls bounce as she scoops a box of supplies into her arms. I load up too and we head toward her car. “I am so freaking jelly. Do you know how long it’s been since I had sex?”
“I’ve offered to help with that.”
Somehow, I’m not surprised that Sam appeared on the sidewalk at just that moment. He has a tendency to appear any time Lizzy is complaining about her sex life.
Liz shoves the box she is carrying into Sam’s arms. “Thanks.”
He doesn’t even complain, just loads it into the trunk when she opens it then helps me load mine. “Need anything else, ladies?”
“I think that’s everything,” I say.
“Anything else at all?” he asks, running his eyes over Liz.
“You’re gross.” She smacks him in the chest with the flat of her hand. “Come on, Han.”
We climb into the car, and I grab my bottle of water from the console. I drink and wish I loved water as much as coffee.
She’s starting to pull away from the curb when she says, “I am totally f**king Sam tonight.”
And that’s why her dashboard is now soaking wet.
When I get out of the shower, I find Meredith sitting on my couch, tears swelling in her big eyes as she looks at a piece of paper.
I left Liz down in the bakery putting things away so I could grab a shower, but now I wish we had some sort of secret code because Meredith is in my fricking apartment. I must have left my door unlocked. Eff it!
Tears spill onto her cheeks and she drops her gaze back to the paper in her hands. “You’re lucky, you know. I had to go through all this alone.” Her head bobbles a little as she looks up at me, and I’m pretty sure she’s drunk. Before noon.
I have bigger things to worry about today than some bitch who’s dead set on ruining my life. She doesn’t deserve any of my energy. She’s not worthy of the anger that boils up inside me until I want to punch her. I’ve never gotten into a fight, never been a violent person, but right now, it would feel so good that I have to grab my jeans to keep my hands at my sides.
“What are you doing here?” I want her out of here. Away from me. Looking at Meredith brings back all sorts of pain I don’t want to deal with right now.
“I just wanted him to choose me.” Her tears spill onto the paper—no, not paper. My ultrasound images. I snatch them from her hands before she can ruin them, and she releases an empty laugh. “I wanted him to choose me, and now he’s going to marry her.” She shakes her head. “I mean, you.”
“Leave.” I bite out the word, my stomach convulsing on itself, nausea pushing up into my throat. Because it’s so clear now that this was never about Max. Max is just the substitute for William—the man she really wants, the one who’s getting married today, the one who had just proposed to his girlfriend when Meredith decided to blow up my world. “Get out of here.”
“William doesn’t talk to me anymore, and Max only ever calls because he wants to see Claire. Will and I were good together, you know.”
“Do you even hear yourself? He’s in love with someone else. He never wanted you.”
She stands and has to catch herself on the couch when she loses her balance. “You know what’s amazing about you?” she slurs. “Everyone thinks you’re this amazingly sweet and giving person when you’re so self-centered.”
“You don’t know me.”
She smiles sickly. “But I do. And you know who else I know? I know your sister.”
“Leave her out of this. She doesn’t have anything to do with what’s between us.”
She arches a brow. “Doesn’t she? She’s the reason Max asked you out, isn’t she? Even though she had it bad for him, she backed off and had him go out with you, and you didn’t even see that because all you could think about was yourself. Poor Hanna can’t date the guy she likes. Poor Hanna doesn’t get noticed. Never mind poor Liz.”
“Shut up, Meredith.”
I spin around at the sound of Lizzy’s voice and see her walking into my apartment. Her face twists into a snarl as she props her hands on her hips.
“Get out of here,” Liz barks. “He didn’t pick you. Now stop trying to f**k up everyone else’s life just because you’re such a bitch you’ve already screwed up your own.”
Meredith shrugs. “Whatever.”
I watch her leave before turning to Liz. “Is it true?”
Liz chews on her lower lip and shrugs. “It’s ancient history.”
“You liked Max?” The bottom has fallen out of my stomach, and I hate it because this is exactly how Meredith wanted me to feel. She still knows right where to hurt me.
“I would never have gone out with him if I didn’t like him, but it’s not like I was in love with him.”
“But you like him, and when you found out I did too, you never saw him again.”
She shrugs again. “You’re more important to me than any guy, Han.”
I cross to her and wrap my arms around her. “Best. Sister. Ever,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry.”
The wedding dress doesn’t quite want to zip.
“Exhale hard and suck it in!” Cally’s sister Drew commands, her voice a little nasally with the head cold she’s been fighting all week. “Liz, hold here at the top. We’re going to make this work!”
Cally sucks in her nonexistent stomach, and Drew and Lizzy work together to battle the zipper up.
“I’m bloated because I’m going to start my period soon,” Cally says when she’s allowed to breathe again. She presses her hand to her white-satin-covered stomach. “I can breathe later, right?” But she grins.
She’s so happy to marry William that nothing is fazing her today. Not the chaos that broke loose when the florist mixed up two orders and brought someone else’s flowers. Not the awkward breakfast where Will’s grandmother apologized for the way she once treated Cally—but not before detailing why it was so hard for her to trust a girl whose mom used to run a shady massage business.
I envy Cally’s impenetrable joy. I love Max, and I know we’re going to have an amazing life together, but Cally doesn’t just love Will. She believes they’re destined to be together. And maybe I’d believe in destiny too if I’d had to go through what they did to get to my wedding day.
“I am so tired it’s ridiculous,” Cally says, stretching her arms over her head and yawning. “It’s my wedding day, and I’d pay any one of you fifty bucks for twenty minutes to take a nap.”
Drew straightens her dress and frowns in the mirror. “You haven’t been feeling well for weeks. Are you sure you shouldn’t go to the doctor?”
I take a step closer to Cally. “Not feeling good how?”
Cally shrugs. “Nauseated in the evenings sometimes. It’s no big deal. Drew keeps me on my toes, and I think I’ve just been worrying about her.”
“Huh.” Lizzy looks up from the bag of makeup she was digging through. “Sounds like you’re pregnant.”
The whole room goes still, and Cally freezes, her mouth open as she stares at Liz.
“Could that be it?” Drew asks. A smile tugs at her lips and she can’t hold it back. “When was your last period?”
“Weeks ago.” Cally frowns. “But that couldn’t be it.” She lowers her voice. “I mean, Will can’t…”
Lizzy drops her mascara and spins around. “Holy shit, I was joking.”
Cally’s hand drops to her stomach. “Do you think we could be so lucky?”
“This is nuts,” Lizzy says. “We don’t have to sit here in suspense when there’s a CVS a mile down the road that sells perfectly good pregnancy tests.”
“I can do you one better,” I say, grabbing my purse. “I have one with me.” I pull out the unused pregnancy test from my two-pack, and Cally takes it with shaking hands.
We all wait anxiously outside the bathroom as she takes the test, and when she comes out two minutes later, she’s grinning so big she doesn’t have to tell us what it says.
There are lots of hugs and squeals and carrying on, and no doubt the guests waiting downstairs in the gallery think we’ve decided to start the party early, but we don’t care. This is Will and Cally, and they deserve this.
“I can’t believe we’re both pregnant,” she squeals when it’s my turn for a hug.
I nod and blink back tears. “Stop. You’re going to make me ruin my makeup.”
“Drew, are you crying?” Liz asks.
“No.” Drew rolls her eyes, but she can’t hide the truth. She’s as happy for William and Cally as the rest of us are. “It’s just that Asher promised me a dance at the reception, and I’m starting to worry he’ll forget.”
Sniffing, Cally grabs a tissue, and I grab one for myself.
“Okay, ladies!” the wedding planner says. “Let’s get lined up. It’s time.”
It’s only as I turn to take my place in line that I see my mother standing in the doorway, her eyes wide, her mouth agape as she stares at my stomach. How long has she been standing there?
She flicks her gaze to my face and back to my stomach. “Are you? But you’re not married…”
Behind me, Maggie draws in a sharp breath, apparently realizing what our conversation is about. “Shit,” she mutters.
The music starts to play, and the wedding planner nudges me forward. I give one last apologetic glance toward my mother and head down the stairs.
There are few sights in this world as gorgeous as Maximilian Hallowell in a tux, and there he stands, his dark hair falling into his eyes, his broad shoulders filling out the black tuxedo. He stands on the dance floor, holding the microphone and speaking to the small gathering of guests filling the gallery.
“I’ve been friends with William my whole life,” he says. “And he’s been his happiest when he’s with Cally. I would tell you that I think they’re lucky for the happiness they’ve found, but the truth is this: I’m the lucky one. Watching Will and Cally love each other taught me what love can be.” His eyes find mine across the room and my breath catches at the intensity I see there. “Every guy should be lucky enough to have a friend teach him that love is worth risking everything for.” He raises his glass and smiles at the bride and groom. “Here’s to Will and Cally. We love you guys.”
51. Hanna
MAYBE IT’S the hormones, but looking at William and Cally’s wedding cake has my eyes watering and my chest feeling painfully full. Simple tiers of white cake covered with silky fondant, it’s beautiful—just like they are together.
“It’s done,” Liz says behind me. “And it’s gorgeous. Quit fussing and go get a shower.”
The gallery is decorated for the ceremony, and since this is where the reception will be as well, I set up the cake in the back corner by the big windows that overlook the New Hope River.
“Need any help?” a deep voice asks behind me.
I turn and see Max holding a baby girl with a mop of dark hair.
I open my mouth. I should say something. Anything. But I can’t. My mouth is dry and my heart feels like it’s trying to claw its way out of a shallow grave because Max is holding a baby—cradling her in his arms—his lips curling into a smile every time his gaze dips to her face, and she keeps reaching her pudgy little fist up to touch the scruff along his jaw. The sight has so many conflicting emotions racing through me that I can hardly stand up straight, let alone sort them out.
“Is that Meredith’s baby?” Liz asks, maybe a little too much hostility in her voice.
Max raises a brow. “This is my daughter, Claire,” he says patiently.
I reach for her. It’s instinct. I need to hold that baby. I’m rewarded with Max’s slow, easy smile as he settles Claire into my arms, and as soon as I feel her warmth and smell her skin, I remember that I’ve held her before. And I loved her then too.
That doesn’t even make sense, but she’s a baby, a part of Max. Loving this child is as natural as breathing.
“How can something that came from Meredith be so cute and loveable?” Liz asks under her breath.
“She gets it from me,” Max says, winking at my sister. “Do you two need any help this morning? I was about to take Claire to my mom’s for the day, so I’ll be available.”
Reluctantly, I hand Claire back to Max. “I think everything’s set here. I’m going to go grab a shower and then start getting pretty.”
“Too late,” he says. “You’re already beautiful.”
I look down at my yoga pants and my stretched-out old T-shirt covered in smudges of white flour and frosting. “You need to raise your standards.”
Max drops a quick kiss on my forehead before leaving. It’s not until he’s gone that I realize Liz is staring at me like I have two heads.
“You want to tell me what that was about?” she asks.
Feeling my cheeks warm, I shrug and turn to pack up my supplies to haul back to the bakery.
She gasps. “You had sex last night.”
My cheeks go from warm summer day to inferno. “He is my fiancé,” I whisper defensively. I grab a towel from my supplies and wipe at my shirt, more for something to do than anything.
Liz clears her throat. “So how was he?”
Is there something hotter than an inferno?
“Man!” Her blond curls bounce as she scoops a box of supplies into her arms. I load up too and we head toward her car. “I am so freaking jelly. Do you know how long it’s been since I had sex?”
“I’ve offered to help with that.”
Somehow, I’m not surprised that Sam appeared on the sidewalk at just that moment. He has a tendency to appear any time Lizzy is complaining about her sex life.
Liz shoves the box she is carrying into Sam’s arms. “Thanks.”
He doesn’t even complain, just loads it into the trunk when she opens it then helps me load mine. “Need anything else, ladies?”
“I think that’s everything,” I say.
“Anything else at all?” he asks, running his eyes over Liz.
“You’re gross.” She smacks him in the chest with the flat of her hand. “Come on, Han.”
We climb into the car, and I grab my bottle of water from the console. I drink and wish I loved water as much as coffee.
She’s starting to pull away from the curb when she says, “I am totally f**king Sam tonight.”
And that’s why her dashboard is now soaking wet.
When I get out of the shower, I find Meredith sitting on my couch, tears swelling in her big eyes as she looks at a piece of paper.
I left Liz down in the bakery putting things away so I could grab a shower, but now I wish we had some sort of secret code because Meredith is in my fricking apartment. I must have left my door unlocked. Eff it!
Tears spill onto her cheeks and she drops her gaze back to the paper in her hands. “You’re lucky, you know. I had to go through all this alone.” Her head bobbles a little as she looks up at me, and I’m pretty sure she’s drunk. Before noon.
I have bigger things to worry about today than some bitch who’s dead set on ruining my life. She doesn’t deserve any of my energy. She’s not worthy of the anger that boils up inside me until I want to punch her. I’ve never gotten into a fight, never been a violent person, but right now, it would feel so good that I have to grab my jeans to keep my hands at my sides.
“What are you doing here?” I want her out of here. Away from me. Looking at Meredith brings back all sorts of pain I don’t want to deal with right now.
“I just wanted him to choose me.” Her tears spill onto the paper—no, not paper. My ultrasound images. I snatch them from her hands before she can ruin them, and she releases an empty laugh. “I wanted him to choose me, and now he’s going to marry her.” She shakes her head. “I mean, you.”
“Leave.” I bite out the word, my stomach convulsing on itself, nausea pushing up into my throat. Because it’s so clear now that this was never about Max. Max is just the substitute for William—the man she really wants, the one who’s getting married today, the one who had just proposed to his girlfriend when Meredith decided to blow up my world. “Get out of here.”
“William doesn’t talk to me anymore, and Max only ever calls because he wants to see Claire. Will and I were good together, you know.”
“Do you even hear yourself? He’s in love with someone else. He never wanted you.”
She stands and has to catch herself on the couch when she loses her balance. “You know what’s amazing about you?” she slurs. “Everyone thinks you’re this amazingly sweet and giving person when you’re so self-centered.”
“You don’t know me.”
She smiles sickly. “But I do. And you know who else I know? I know your sister.”
“Leave her out of this. She doesn’t have anything to do with what’s between us.”
She arches a brow. “Doesn’t she? She’s the reason Max asked you out, isn’t she? Even though she had it bad for him, she backed off and had him go out with you, and you didn’t even see that because all you could think about was yourself. Poor Hanna can’t date the guy she likes. Poor Hanna doesn’t get noticed. Never mind poor Liz.”
“Shut up, Meredith.”
I spin around at the sound of Lizzy’s voice and see her walking into my apartment. Her face twists into a snarl as she props her hands on her hips.
“Get out of here,” Liz barks. “He didn’t pick you. Now stop trying to f**k up everyone else’s life just because you’re such a bitch you’ve already screwed up your own.”
Meredith shrugs. “Whatever.”
I watch her leave before turning to Liz. “Is it true?”
Liz chews on her lower lip and shrugs. “It’s ancient history.”
“You liked Max?” The bottom has fallen out of my stomach, and I hate it because this is exactly how Meredith wanted me to feel. She still knows right where to hurt me.
“I would never have gone out with him if I didn’t like him, but it’s not like I was in love with him.”
“But you like him, and when you found out I did too, you never saw him again.”
She shrugs again. “You’re more important to me than any guy, Han.”
I cross to her and wrap my arms around her. “Best. Sister. Ever,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry.”
The wedding dress doesn’t quite want to zip.
“Exhale hard and suck it in!” Cally’s sister Drew commands, her voice a little nasally with the head cold she’s been fighting all week. “Liz, hold here at the top. We’re going to make this work!”
Cally sucks in her nonexistent stomach, and Drew and Lizzy work together to battle the zipper up.
“I’m bloated because I’m going to start my period soon,” Cally says when she’s allowed to breathe again. She presses her hand to her white-satin-covered stomach. “I can breathe later, right?” But she grins.
She’s so happy to marry William that nothing is fazing her today. Not the chaos that broke loose when the florist mixed up two orders and brought someone else’s flowers. Not the awkward breakfast where Will’s grandmother apologized for the way she once treated Cally—but not before detailing why it was so hard for her to trust a girl whose mom used to run a shady massage business.
I envy Cally’s impenetrable joy. I love Max, and I know we’re going to have an amazing life together, but Cally doesn’t just love Will. She believes they’re destined to be together. And maybe I’d believe in destiny too if I’d had to go through what they did to get to my wedding day.
“I am so tired it’s ridiculous,” Cally says, stretching her arms over her head and yawning. “It’s my wedding day, and I’d pay any one of you fifty bucks for twenty minutes to take a nap.”
Drew straightens her dress and frowns in the mirror. “You haven’t been feeling well for weeks. Are you sure you shouldn’t go to the doctor?”
I take a step closer to Cally. “Not feeling good how?”
Cally shrugs. “Nauseated in the evenings sometimes. It’s no big deal. Drew keeps me on my toes, and I think I’ve just been worrying about her.”
“Huh.” Lizzy looks up from the bag of makeup she was digging through. “Sounds like you’re pregnant.”
The whole room goes still, and Cally freezes, her mouth open as she stares at Liz.
“Could that be it?” Drew asks. A smile tugs at her lips and she can’t hold it back. “When was your last period?”
“Weeks ago.” Cally frowns. “But that couldn’t be it.” She lowers her voice. “I mean, Will can’t…”
Lizzy drops her mascara and spins around. “Holy shit, I was joking.”
Cally’s hand drops to her stomach. “Do you think we could be so lucky?”
“This is nuts,” Lizzy says. “We don’t have to sit here in suspense when there’s a CVS a mile down the road that sells perfectly good pregnancy tests.”
“I can do you one better,” I say, grabbing my purse. “I have one with me.” I pull out the unused pregnancy test from my two-pack, and Cally takes it with shaking hands.
We all wait anxiously outside the bathroom as she takes the test, and when she comes out two minutes later, she’s grinning so big she doesn’t have to tell us what it says.
There are lots of hugs and squeals and carrying on, and no doubt the guests waiting downstairs in the gallery think we’ve decided to start the party early, but we don’t care. This is Will and Cally, and they deserve this.
“I can’t believe we’re both pregnant,” she squeals when it’s my turn for a hug.
I nod and blink back tears. “Stop. You’re going to make me ruin my makeup.”
“Drew, are you crying?” Liz asks.
“No.” Drew rolls her eyes, but she can’t hide the truth. She’s as happy for William and Cally as the rest of us are. “It’s just that Asher promised me a dance at the reception, and I’m starting to worry he’ll forget.”
Sniffing, Cally grabs a tissue, and I grab one for myself.
“Okay, ladies!” the wedding planner says. “Let’s get lined up. It’s time.”
It’s only as I turn to take my place in line that I see my mother standing in the doorway, her eyes wide, her mouth agape as she stares at my stomach. How long has she been standing there?
She flicks her gaze to my face and back to my stomach. “Are you? But you’re not married…”
Behind me, Maggie draws in a sharp breath, apparently realizing what our conversation is about. “Shit,” she mutters.
The music starts to play, and the wedding planner nudges me forward. I give one last apologetic glance toward my mother and head down the stairs.
There are few sights in this world as gorgeous as Maximilian Hallowell in a tux, and there he stands, his dark hair falling into his eyes, his broad shoulders filling out the black tuxedo. He stands on the dance floor, holding the microphone and speaking to the small gathering of guests filling the gallery.
“I’ve been friends with William my whole life,” he says. “And he’s been his happiest when he’s with Cally. I would tell you that I think they’re lucky for the happiness they’ve found, but the truth is this: I’m the lucky one. Watching Will and Cally love each other taught me what love can be.” His eyes find mine across the room and my breath catches at the intensity I see there. “Every guy should be lucky enough to have a friend teach him that love is worth risking everything for.” He raises his glass and smiles at the bride and groom. “Here’s to Will and Cally. We love you guys.”
