The elevator doors pinged, and I looked up.
Analise stepped out, wearing a robe with her nightgown covering her feet underneath. She saw me, frowned, and pulled her robe tighter around herself. The lobby was relatively empty, only two desk clerks and me.
“Samantha?” She came over. “What’s going on? Why are you here at this hour?” She glanced around, smoothing her hair. She hadn’t taken out the pins, so it was still swept up in the curled twist she’d worn at the wedding.
I searched her face for any signs of sleepiness, but her eyes were alert, and none of her makeup looked smudged. “I didn’t know if you’d be here or if you guys would’ve gone somewhere else for the night.” I didn’t know any of their plans, actually. I now felt like I should’ve. “I’m sorry if you were sleeping.”
“No.” She shook her head, still frowning. “We just settled into bed, but that’s it. We were talking about the day. Sam.” Her head inclined toward me. “What is going on?”
This was so stupid. The words, the urgency, all of it left me in a sudden whoosh, and I realized the real reason I was here.
“Mason was arrested tonight.”
“What?!”
I glanced down to my hands, balled into fists at my sides. “We were leaving the hotel, and two cops showed up. It’s because he attacked someone, but he was only defending me. The guy was going to hit me.”
“Oh, Sam.” She leaned toward me, her hand reaching for my arm.
I saw it coming, and I did nothing. I found myself leaning toward her, and then she realized what she was about to do. Her hand stopped, flexed a couple times, and returned to her side. She tucked it into her robe’s pocket.
“I’m so sorry, Sam. I’m sure everything will be fixed, especially if Mason was only defending you. James always gets his sons off, you know that. He’d never let anything really hurt them.”
A small laugh left me. I reached up, pressing my hand to my forehead. I felt a headache forming.
“What?” she asked me.
“Nothing. It’s just—” I heard her words again. James always gets his sons off, you know that. He’d never let anything really hurt them. Oh, the irony. Mason and Logan were so angry at their dad because that was all he did was hurt them.
“He does help them, doesn’t he?” I murmured.
“In his way, he does.”
I looked up at her. She was saying he. I was saying he. We weren’t talking about James.
There’s a moment in life—when you become a certain age and see your future laid out before you—that you have to make a decision. Whatever fractures are inside of you, whatever emptiness or wounds there are, you must become whole again because it’s time.
It was time to let go.
I felt that wave of realization now, and something fell from me. It was an old lens. I could now look at Analise a different way.
It was time to step into my future.
“You do love me, don’t you?” I asked.
Her head lifted, and her eyes widened.
I saw it now. It was there in fragments. She loved me, but she couldn’t love me the way a normal mother could. But it was still there.
Her mouth opened, no sound came out, and she closed it again. Then she whispered, “Yes. I do.”
I sank down into one of the hotel’s plush chairs and leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees. She sat next to me.
I stared forward as I said, “I’ve been so tense, waiting for you to talk to me all summer.” No, that wasn’t right. “Actually since the Christmas before when you came home. And you haven’t done a thing.”
“That’s not true, Samantha. I’ve done plenty, and you know it.” She reached over, touching my hand this time. She was tentative, but when I didn’t brush her off, her hand grew heavier. She took in a silent breath. “I’ve tried to let you go. What Mason said at the end of his speech tonight? He’s right. I haven’t let you go, and we both know it. You’ve felt it. Maybe that’s why you came to me tonight. I don’t know, but I’m grateful. I’ve had many nights with James, but I haven’t had a night with my daughter in a long time. Thank you for coming.”
“I came to ask you for a favor.”
“I know.” She patted my hand, squeezing it before letting go. “You want me to talk to James, have him help Mason as soon as he can.”
I nodded. I still couldn’t look at her, though. I didn’t know why.
“I’ll talk to him.”
“Thank you.” My tongue felt heavy on the back of my mouth.
“I’d like to say I always would’ve helped, but that’s not true.”
I looked now. The old Analise was there, but it was just in her face, her hair, the way she looked on the outside. Her eyes were new. That was the different person here. She even sat differently now.
“Before going to treatment, I would’ve used this favor against you. I would’ve agreed to ask James if you’d break up with Mason. That’s what I would’ve done, but that’s not what a true mother should ever do to her child.” Her hand reached out, but pulled back again. “You have been justifiably angry at me. I was gone for two years, and then I stayed away for the last year and a half. The truth is, I never should’ve come back. You were better off when I wasn’t here. James had someone watching you for me.”
What?
She hung her head in shame. “It wasn’t all the time, but every now and then. I just wanted to know what was going on in your life. You were happy. That’s what I saw, and then you changed when I came back. You were always looking over your shoulder in his pictures. I can’t help but think that was because of me. Like I was a shadow behind you.”
Exactly. Everything she said was how I felt.
“Then you guys came back, and the last two rounds of pictures he sent to me were all of you running. There were a few others from during the day, but you looked so harried. That was me, too. The thought of seeing me. I couldn’t bear seeing any more so I asked James to have him stop.”
“You were at the driveway that one day.”
“That was by accident. I went for a walk, and I didn’t walk past Malinda’s house with the intent of seeing you. She told me you’d been staying at Helen’s house with Mason. I usually walk the other way, but that day I didn’t. There you were, helping her load those gift baskets into her car.” She leaned forward, a reflection of me with both our elbows on our knees. “I was so jealous. Malinda’s been amazing. She’s protecting you by knowing what’s going on with me. I know a part of her feels for me—mother to mother, you know—but it’s really about you. She wants to be in the know about what I’m doing. Almost like keeping your friends close, but your enemies closer. But it doesn’t bother me. She’s doing it for you.” She paused a beat. “She’s the mother I should’ve been. She’s the mother you should’ve had.”
I should’ve reached for her. I should’ve had words of reassurance at the tip of my tongue.
I didn’t move.
“You don’t owe me anything, Samantha,” she added after a moment. “I used to think you did, but Mason’s words hit me hard tonight. You don’t. I’m letting you go. Officially. We’re going to move. James and I talked about it tonight. Mason brought up the house, so you guys can have it. I know Helen’s coming back at some point. She’ll want to see Mason and Logan and if it’s before they go back to Cain, I know you won’t want to be there when she does. James and I will be gone by the end of next week. You can move in then.”
Mom…
I almost said that word.
She patted my leg before standing back up. “If you ever want to get coffee, I’m here. I’m here for anything you need, okay? But you never have to do anything for me. You never have to see me. You never have to talk to me. If you see me in a store, you don’t have to say hi. You can walk past me like we’re strangers, and I will never get angry with you. I’m letting you go, Sam.” She cupped the side of my face, and her thumb brushed over my cheek. “You’ll always be my baby girl,” she said lovingly, “but I’ll be whoever you want me to be.” She bent down, and I closed my eyes as she kissed me on the forehead.
Analise stepped out, wearing a robe with her nightgown covering her feet underneath. She saw me, frowned, and pulled her robe tighter around herself. The lobby was relatively empty, only two desk clerks and me.
“Samantha?” She came over. “What’s going on? Why are you here at this hour?” She glanced around, smoothing her hair. She hadn’t taken out the pins, so it was still swept up in the curled twist she’d worn at the wedding.
I searched her face for any signs of sleepiness, but her eyes were alert, and none of her makeup looked smudged. “I didn’t know if you’d be here or if you guys would’ve gone somewhere else for the night.” I didn’t know any of their plans, actually. I now felt like I should’ve. “I’m sorry if you were sleeping.”
“No.” She shook her head, still frowning. “We just settled into bed, but that’s it. We were talking about the day. Sam.” Her head inclined toward me. “What is going on?”
This was so stupid. The words, the urgency, all of it left me in a sudden whoosh, and I realized the real reason I was here.
“Mason was arrested tonight.”
“What?!”
I glanced down to my hands, balled into fists at my sides. “We were leaving the hotel, and two cops showed up. It’s because he attacked someone, but he was only defending me. The guy was going to hit me.”
“Oh, Sam.” She leaned toward me, her hand reaching for my arm.
I saw it coming, and I did nothing. I found myself leaning toward her, and then she realized what she was about to do. Her hand stopped, flexed a couple times, and returned to her side. She tucked it into her robe’s pocket.
“I’m so sorry, Sam. I’m sure everything will be fixed, especially if Mason was only defending you. James always gets his sons off, you know that. He’d never let anything really hurt them.”
A small laugh left me. I reached up, pressing my hand to my forehead. I felt a headache forming.
“What?” she asked me.
“Nothing. It’s just—” I heard her words again. James always gets his sons off, you know that. He’d never let anything really hurt them. Oh, the irony. Mason and Logan were so angry at their dad because that was all he did was hurt them.
“He does help them, doesn’t he?” I murmured.
“In his way, he does.”
I looked up at her. She was saying he. I was saying he. We weren’t talking about James.
There’s a moment in life—when you become a certain age and see your future laid out before you—that you have to make a decision. Whatever fractures are inside of you, whatever emptiness or wounds there are, you must become whole again because it’s time.
It was time to let go.
I felt that wave of realization now, and something fell from me. It was an old lens. I could now look at Analise a different way.
It was time to step into my future.
“You do love me, don’t you?” I asked.
Her head lifted, and her eyes widened.
I saw it now. It was there in fragments. She loved me, but she couldn’t love me the way a normal mother could. But it was still there.
Her mouth opened, no sound came out, and she closed it again. Then she whispered, “Yes. I do.”
I sank down into one of the hotel’s plush chairs and leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees. She sat next to me.
I stared forward as I said, “I’ve been so tense, waiting for you to talk to me all summer.” No, that wasn’t right. “Actually since the Christmas before when you came home. And you haven’t done a thing.”
“That’s not true, Samantha. I’ve done plenty, and you know it.” She reached over, touching my hand this time. She was tentative, but when I didn’t brush her off, her hand grew heavier. She took in a silent breath. “I’ve tried to let you go. What Mason said at the end of his speech tonight? He’s right. I haven’t let you go, and we both know it. You’ve felt it. Maybe that’s why you came to me tonight. I don’t know, but I’m grateful. I’ve had many nights with James, but I haven’t had a night with my daughter in a long time. Thank you for coming.”
“I came to ask you for a favor.”
“I know.” She patted my hand, squeezing it before letting go. “You want me to talk to James, have him help Mason as soon as he can.”
I nodded. I still couldn’t look at her, though. I didn’t know why.
“I’ll talk to him.”
“Thank you.” My tongue felt heavy on the back of my mouth.
“I’d like to say I always would’ve helped, but that’s not true.”
I looked now. The old Analise was there, but it was just in her face, her hair, the way she looked on the outside. Her eyes were new. That was the different person here. She even sat differently now.
“Before going to treatment, I would’ve used this favor against you. I would’ve agreed to ask James if you’d break up with Mason. That’s what I would’ve done, but that’s not what a true mother should ever do to her child.” Her hand reached out, but pulled back again. “You have been justifiably angry at me. I was gone for two years, and then I stayed away for the last year and a half. The truth is, I never should’ve come back. You were better off when I wasn’t here. James had someone watching you for me.”
What?
She hung her head in shame. “It wasn’t all the time, but every now and then. I just wanted to know what was going on in your life. You were happy. That’s what I saw, and then you changed when I came back. You were always looking over your shoulder in his pictures. I can’t help but think that was because of me. Like I was a shadow behind you.”
Exactly. Everything she said was how I felt.
“Then you guys came back, and the last two rounds of pictures he sent to me were all of you running. There were a few others from during the day, but you looked so harried. That was me, too. The thought of seeing me. I couldn’t bear seeing any more so I asked James to have him stop.”
“You were at the driveway that one day.”
“That was by accident. I went for a walk, and I didn’t walk past Malinda’s house with the intent of seeing you. She told me you’d been staying at Helen’s house with Mason. I usually walk the other way, but that day I didn’t. There you were, helping her load those gift baskets into her car.” She leaned forward, a reflection of me with both our elbows on our knees. “I was so jealous. Malinda’s been amazing. She’s protecting you by knowing what’s going on with me. I know a part of her feels for me—mother to mother, you know—but it’s really about you. She wants to be in the know about what I’m doing. Almost like keeping your friends close, but your enemies closer. But it doesn’t bother me. She’s doing it for you.” She paused a beat. “She’s the mother I should’ve been. She’s the mother you should’ve had.”
I should’ve reached for her. I should’ve had words of reassurance at the tip of my tongue.
I didn’t move.
“You don’t owe me anything, Samantha,” she added after a moment. “I used to think you did, but Mason’s words hit me hard tonight. You don’t. I’m letting you go. Officially. We’re going to move. James and I talked about it tonight. Mason brought up the house, so you guys can have it. I know Helen’s coming back at some point. She’ll want to see Mason and Logan and if it’s before they go back to Cain, I know you won’t want to be there when she does. James and I will be gone by the end of next week. You can move in then.”
Mom…
I almost said that word.
She patted my leg before standing back up. “If you ever want to get coffee, I’m here. I’m here for anything you need, okay? But you never have to do anything for me. You never have to see me. You never have to talk to me. If you see me in a store, you don’t have to say hi. You can walk past me like we’re strangers, and I will never get angry with you. I’m letting you go, Sam.” She cupped the side of my face, and her thumb brushed over my cheek. “You’ll always be my baby girl,” she said lovingly, “but I’ll be whoever you want me to be.” She bent down, and I closed my eyes as she kissed me on the forehead.
