Falling Under
Page 86
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“I knew none of this. I only heard that he’d broken off his engagement when I spoke to my mother last week. She moved out so at least he has a place to live, but he’s going to lose his job. My dad says they’re trying to work out a deal that Danny goes to rehab and then gets to keep the job. But I feel like maybe the job is part of why he’s so fucked? But what do I know? Because I don’t know my brother and I had no idea he was in so much trouble. This has been going on for six years on and off. How the hell did I never even notice?”
“I’m so sorry. I hurt for you. For him and your family.”
That last bit clicked into place for him. The thing he’d driven around and never quite grasped. Until right then.
“You are and you do. Thank you. For being genuine. And for trusting me. They don’t.”
“They don’t trust you?”
He shook his head. “If they trusted me, I’d have known this stuff. They would have told me. One of them at least. But I moved away a long time ago and they didn’t miss me that much. They love me, of course. But they don’t know me and they don’t miss my presence. And I have to own the fact that I never made the effort either. In all the times I’ve seen them in the last six years, I never noticed anything wrong. I thought my kid brother had his shit straight and was a huge success. But he was hurting and I didn’t see.”
She shifted so they were looking at each other. The last few times they’d shared, it had been dark, or they’d been facing away from each other. This time she looked him straight in the eyes.
Carmella didn’t need to say anything. He understood. She wanted him to know she accepted him. That he could say anything to her and it would be safe.
“They have a different family than the one I had. I talked about that a little before.”
“So you feel like you don’t belong.” Not a question.
He nodded. “They’re my family. My parents love me and want me to be happy. I wasn’t abused. They worked hard to give me and my brother and sister a better future. And they did.”
“You don’t have to qualify your feelings with all this positive stuff. It’s just me. Feel whatever you need to feel.”
He sighed, pausing to kiss her. “I wish you could be this wise with yourself.”
Carmella said, “Me too. It’s easier to give advice than to take it. I think you know this.”
Bull’s-eye. “Anyway, I drove around tonight and I thought long and hard about everything. And there was something just out of my reach. I have parents and siblings. They’re a family I’m part of. But I don’t belong there. I wanted to help my brother. I wanted to be there for my parents. I offered multiple times and they’re just not interested. Not because they’re mad at me. But because they don’t need me.”
“They don’t see you and understand how much it means for you to help the people you love. That the way you step in and take care of your family is that you make things easier for them in whatever way you can. They don’t know you like I do. Like Asa and Mick do. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It means they don’t know you.”
“Like you do, yes. That was it. The epiphany. I’ve had this stick up my butt about them not coming to me. And how why didn’t they because I give great advice. But they’re not rejecting me or my advice. They just don’t think to need it. It’s not about me. Not like that. Not how I was seeing it,” Duke said.
“Wow, that’s pretty freaking smart.”
“I love you, Carmella. Because you know me. You understand me. You don’t need me to live, but you want me around. That distinction wasn’t one I even really got until tonight. Just a few minutes ago. I came back here to you to seek your advice. To bounce ideas off you, and because you always make me feel better when I’m around you.”
“What time do you fly out?” she asked because hadn’t he just said she understood him?
“I’m probably going to wait until the end of the week. Only two people get to see him in ICU for five to ten minutes. My parents are there, but my dad said Danny’s ex showed up and they’re thinking of letting her have one of their spots.” And Duke wanted to be with Carmella as her mother left town.
“Do you think the ex is a good thing? Like maybe she left because she thought if she gave him an ultimatum, he’d get it together? Or did she use with him and it would be bad?”
Duke kissed her again quickly. “I hadn’t thought of it that way. Truth is I don’t know. I just don’t know enough about the situation to say with any certainty and I don’t want to make things worse.”
“That must have been hard.” She wasn’t teasing. She knew what it meant to him that he could give the people he cared about good counsel.
“I don’t like it. It makes me feel useless. I can’t fix this the way I can an engine. I don’t have the skills I need for this problem.”
She hugged him tight and then lay facing him, resting her chin in her hand. “And you feel like what? You’re bad because you don’t?”
“If I did, it would be fixed.”
“Maybe if they’d opened up to you more, gotten to know you, they would have shared and you’d have seen and you’d have the skills. Maybe if you’d called that morning, Danny would have left later and wouldn’t have gotten into an accident. Or if your mother had a cold and went to sleep the night you were conceived instead of making you. Or. Or. Or. You don’t have superpowers, no matter how much I joke. You are intuitive and smart about people. But how can you be with them if you’re not part of their lives? If you don’t know them any better than they know you?” Carmella asked.
“I’m so sorry. I hurt for you. For him and your family.”
That last bit clicked into place for him. The thing he’d driven around and never quite grasped. Until right then.
“You are and you do. Thank you. For being genuine. And for trusting me. They don’t.”
“They don’t trust you?”
He shook his head. “If they trusted me, I’d have known this stuff. They would have told me. One of them at least. But I moved away a long time ago and they didn’t miss me that much. They love me, of course. But they don’t know me and they don’t miss my presence. And I have to own the fact that I never made the effort either. In all the times I’ve seen them in the last six years, I never noticed anything wrong. I thought my kid brother had his shit straight and was a huge success. But he was hurting and I didn’t see.”
She shifted so they were looking at each other. The last few times they’d shared, it had been dark, or they’d been facing away from each other. This time she looked him straight in the eyes.
Carmella didn’t need to say anything. He understood. She wanted him to know she accepted him. That he could say anything to her and it would be safe.
“They have a different family than the one I had. I talked about that a little before.”
“So you feel like you don’t belong.” Not a question.
He nodded. “They’re my family. My parents love me and want me to be happy. I wasn’t abused. They worked hard to give me and my brother and sister a better future. And they did.”
“You don’t have to qualify your feelings with all this positive stuff. It’s just me. Feel whatever you need to feel.”
He sighed, pausing to kiss her. “I wish you could be this wise with yourself.”
Carmella said, “Me too. It’s easier to give advice than to take it. I think you know this.”
Bull’s-eye. “Anyway, I drove around tonight and I thought long and hard about everything. And there was something just out of my reach. I have parents and siblings. They’re a family I’m part of. But I don’t belong there. I wanted to help my brother. I wanted to be there for my parents. I offered multiple times and they’re just not interested. Not because they’re mad at me. But because they don’t need me.”
“They don’t see you and understand how much it means for you to help the people you love. That the way you step in and take care of your family is that you make things easier for them in whatever way you can. They don’t know you like I do. Like Asa and Mick do. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It means they don’t know you.”
“Like you do, yes. That was it. The epiphany. I’ve had this stick up my butt about them not coming to me. And how why didn’t they because I give great advice. But they’re not rejecting me or my advice. They just don’t think to need it. It’s not about me. Not like that. Not how I was seeing it,” Duke said.
“Wow, that’s pretty freaking smart.”
“I love you, Carmella. Because you know me. You understand me. You don’t need me to live, but you want me around. That distinction wasn’t one I even really got until tonight. Just a few minutes ago. I came back here to you to seek your advice. To bounce ideas off you, and because you always make me feel better when I’m around you.”
“What time do you fly out?” she asked because hadn’t he just said she understood him?
“I’m probably going to wait until the end of the week. Only two people get to see him in ICU for five to ten minutes. My parents are there, but my dad said Danny’s ex showed up and they’re thinking of letting her have one of their spots.” And Duke wanted to be with Carmella as her mother left town.
“Do you think the ex is a good thing? Like maybe she left because she thought if she gave him an ultimatum, he’d get it together? Or did she use with him and it would be bad?”
Duke kissed her again quickly. “I hadn’t thought of it that way. Truth is I don’t know. I just don’t know enough about the situation to say with any certainty and I don’t want to make things worse.”
“That must have been hard.” She wasn’t teasing. She knew what it meant to him that he could give the people he cared about good counsel.
“I don’t like it. It makes me feel useless. I can’t fix this the way I can an engine. I don’t have the skills I need for this problem.”
She hugged him tight and then lay facing him, resting her chin in her hand. “And you feel like what? You’re bad because you don’t?”
“If I did, it would be fixed.”
“Maybe if they’d opened up to you more, gotten to know you, they would have shared and you’d have seen and you’d have the skills. Maybe if you’d called that morning, Danny would have left later and wouldn’t have gotten into an accident. Or if your mother had a cold and went to sleep the night you were conceived instead of making you. Or. Or. Or. You don’t have superpowers, no matter how much I joke. You are intuitive and smart about people. But how can you be with them if you’re not part of their lives? If you don’t know them any better than they know you?” Carmella asked.
