I look up and then I see Marissa. Just like I always dreamed standing in a field of flowers.
“You should always be surrounded by roses. If I’d had the money to, I would have bought you some everyday.”
Her eyes smile at me, dancing around her head in circles before settling above her cheeks again. “Finn, what are you talking about? Was I making too much noise? I was trying not to wake you up.”
Her words don’t make sense to me. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. The woman who has loved me all my life is sick and nothing I’ve tried has saved her. The woman I’ve hated is here in front of me and yet still out of reach. She won't tell me she loves me. She won't move in. She won't be mine.
“Why are you here? You don’t want me. You never wanted me.”
She moves closer and then suddenly she’s right in front of me. “I wanted you, Finn. I've always wanted you. That's why I'm here.”
Seeing her was just another form of torture. She was just one more person who hadn’t thought I was worth anything. The girl who left me for a man who could give her all the pretty shiny things she wanted.
“You didn't always want me. You wanted him. How did that work out for you, angel? Did he buy you whatever you wanted? Could he give you all those gifts that I couldn’t afford?”
She’s watching me with those sad eyes. Those eyes that remind me of all my flaws. It makes me angry.
“And now I’m here, rich as fuck and I can’t even enjoy it because you’re still here. I hate you and I want you. Why can’t you just get out of my head?”
The pressure behind my forehead is enormous. I press my hands on both sides of my temples and squeeze. Maybe if I push hard enough I can crush all the dark thoughts. But when I open my eyes, she’s still there. This demon that looks like the woman I loved.
“Just get out of my head!” I scream and keep going until everything goes dark.
CHAPTER TEN
RISSA
I race out of the building, ignoring John’s concerned call. Tears are streaming from my eyes so fast that I can barely see but somehow I find my way to where my car is parked on the street. With shaking fingers I hit the button to unlock it. Once I’m inside, I just sit there willing my heart to stop beating so fast.
I’m not even sure what just happened. Rain pounds the windshield and the sound is comforting. It feels like the rain is insulating me against the outside world. That’s what I need, something to act as a buffer until I can get my equilibrium back. Whatever that was … I think back to what just happened upstairs. I’m not even sure what to call that, a rage? I’ve never seen Finn like that before. He didn’t even look like he was in his right mind.
And the things he was saying. As bad as the raw physical violence I’d sensed in him was, the vile, mean things spilling from his lips were even worse.
Finn is the last person that I ever thought I’d have to be afraid of.
After a few minutes my pulse rate has slowed a bit so I turn on the car and pull out into the road. There’s a loud screech and then a horn blares on my left. Just like that my heart is back in my throat as I look over at the truck that almost smashed into my side.
The man behind the wheel makes an angry gesture and then speeds off. I'm too shaken to pull out right then so I wait a few minutes with my head on the steering wheel. Then I look both ways carefully and make a turn in the opposite direction.
At first my thoughts were just go home but that’s not what I need right now. I don’t want to sit alone in my house worrying that Andrew might show up. I could go to my mom's house but she'll ask too many questions, things I’m not ready to talk about yet. Right now I just need my girls.
I arrive at the office and let out a small sigh of relief to see the lights are on. Someone is here.
As soon as I walk in, Daphne looks up. Her mouth forms an O. “What happened to you?”
I look down. It’s only then I realize that I’ve walked through the rain and am now dripping on the floor, my hair plastered to my head. "Finn … I had to get out of there."
Daphne jumps up and helps me to her chair. I sit, shivering while she bustles around me. She produces a sweatshirt from somewhere and helps me pull my soaking wet T-shirt over my head. Once I have the warm sweatshirt on, she leaves briefly to bring me a cup of tea. When she returns, Tara is with her.
"What did he do?"
"He was screaming at me and he was so angry. I've never seen him like that." I take a sip of the hot tea and the warmth slides down my throat and spreads through me.
"I knew we should have refused that contract. Who the hell does he think he is?"
"Tara, he was so angry. I just can't go back there. Not again." Our eyes meet and I know she understands that I'm talking about a lot more than a cleaning contract. I raise my hand to my head, feeling through my hair to the raised scar a few inches back from my temple. I threw away years of my life thinking that if I just held on, if I just forgave Andy one more time that things would be better. I can't go back to that. Not for anyone.
Not even for Finn.
Her eyes linger on my damp hair. "We need to get you home, honey." She helps me out of the chair and Daphne follows behind us. She locks the door as we leave. Then I realize what time it is. It's early morning and they both have clients. In fact, they're both late.
"You guys don't have to babysit me. I know we're stretched thin. You can go and we'll talk this evening."
“You should always be surrounded by roses. If I’d had the money to, I would have bought you some everyday.”
Her eyes smile at me, dancing around her head in circles before settling above her cheeks again. “Finn, what are you talking about? Was I making too much noise? I was trying not to wake you up.”
Her words don’t make sense to me. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. The woman who has loved me all my life is sick and nothing I’ve tried has saved her. The woman I’ve hated is here in front of me and yet still out of reach. She won't tell me she loves me. She won't move in. She won't be mine.
“Why are you here? You don’t want me. You never wanted me.”
She moves closer and then suddenly she’s right in front of me. “I wanted you, Finn. I've always wanted you. That's why I'm here.”
Seeing her was just another form of torture. She was just one more person who hadn’t thought I was worth anything. The girl who left me for a man who could give her all the pretty shiny things she wanted.
“You didn't always want me. You wanted him. How did that work out for you, angel? Did he buy you whatever you wanted? Could he give you all those gifts that I couldn’t afford?”
She’s watching me with those sad eyes. Those eyes that remind me of all my flaws. It makes me angry.
“And now I’m here, rich as fuck and I can’t even enjoy it because you’re still here. I hate you and I want you. Why can’t you just get out of my head?”
The pressure behind my forehead is enormous. I press my hands on both sides of my temples and squeeze. Maybe if I push hard enough I can crush all the dark thoughts. But when I open my eyes, she’s still there. This demon that looks like the woman I loved.
“Just get out of my head!” I scream and keep going until everything goes dark.
CHAPTER TEN
RISSA
I race out of the building, ignoring John’s concerned call. Tears are streaming from my eyes so fast that I can barely see but somehow I find my way to where my car is parked on the street. With shaking fingers I hit the button to unlock it. Once I’m inside, I just sit there willing my heart to stop beating so fast.
I’m not even sure what just happened. Rain pounds the windshield and the sound is comforting. It feels like the rain is insulating me against the outside world. That’s what I need, something to act as a buffer until I can get my equilibrium back. Whatever that was … I think back to what just happened upstairs. I’m not even sure what to call that, a rage? I’ve never seen Finn like that before. He didn’t even look like he was in his right mind.
And the things he was saying. As bad as the raw physical violence I’d sensed in him was, the vile, mean things spilling from his lips were even worse.
Finn is the last person that I ever thought I’d have to be afraid of.
After a few minutes my pulse rate has slowed a bit so I turn on the car and pull out into the road. There’s a loud screech and then a horn blares on my left. Just like that my heart is back in my throat as I look over at the truck that almost smashed into my side.
The man behind the wheel makes an angry gesture and then speeds off. I'm too shaken to pull out right then so I wait a few minutes with my head on the steering wheel. Then I look both ways carefully and make a turn in the opposite direction.
At first my thoughts were just go home but that’s not what I need right now. I don’t want to sit alone in my house worrying that Andrew might show up. I could go to my mom's house but she'll ask too many questions, things I’m not ready to talk about yet. Right now I just need my girls.
I arrive at the office and let out a small sigh of relief to see the lights are on. Someone is here.
As soon as I walk in, Daphne looks up. Her mouth forms an O. “What happened to you?”
I look down. It’s only then I realize that I’ve walked through the rain and am now dripping on the floor, my hair plastered to my head. "Finn … I had to get out of there."
Daphne jumps up and helps me to her chair. I sit, shivering while she bustles around me. She produces a sweatshirt from somewhere and helps me pull my soaking wet T-shirt over my head. Once I have the warm sweatshirt on, she leaves briefly to bring me a cup of tea. When she returns, Tara is with her.
"What did he do?"
"He was screaming at me and he was so angry. I've never seen him like that." I take a sip of the hot tea and the warmth slides down my throat and spreads through me.
"I knew we should have refused that contract. Who the hell does he think he is?"
"Tara, he was so angry. I just can't go back there. Not again." Our eyes meet and I know she understands that I'm talking about a lot more than a cleaning contract. I raise my hand to my head, feeling through my hair to the raised scar a few inches back from my temple. I threw away years of my life thinking that if I just held on, if I just forgave Andy one more time that things would be better. I can't go back to that. Not for anyone.
Not even for Finn.
Her eyes linger on my damp hair. "We need to get you home, honey." She helps me out of the chair and Daphne follows behind us. She locks the door as we leave. Then I realize what time it is. It's early morning and they both have clients. In fact, they're both late.
"You guys don't have to babysit me. I know we're stretched thin. You can go and we'll talk this evening."
