"If he doesn't want to see me, just tell me. I don't think I can take any more games." I look around at the mostly empty room. There are so many memories here. But all the good ones are tarnished by that final awful argument. He was trying to apologize even then but I wasn't ready to hear it then. And now that I am, he's gone.
"You're really not going to tell me where he is?"
He puts down the tape. "He's in rehab. And I really don't think he wants you to see him like that. I'm sorry that I'm being so cagey about this but he's my little brother. I just want him to get better."
"I want him to get better, too. There's nothing I want more than that. I would never get in the way of his recovery. I just want to help him."
Things are quiet for a moment and when I look up, Tank is standing next to me. He lowers himself onto the floor next to me. "Damn, I'm too big to be getting down on the floor. I hope you know I wouldn't do this for just anybody."
His cranky commentary brings a brief smile to my face. I know he's trying to make me feel better.
"You know I've always liked you, Rissa. But this situation … it's just not a good place for my brother. Finn is going to kick my ass when he finds out I said this to you but I think that having you in his life right now might be doing him more harm than good."
"But I love him."
"I know. He loves you, too. The two of you have always been like fireworks. You spark off each other and you create all this heat. But while fireworks are exciting, they can also be dangerous. And I think he needs a chance to recover before he tackles all the issues you guys have."
Despite the fact that what he's saying mirrors what I've been thinking too, it still hurts to hear. Love is supposed to be enough. No one wants to think of their love as being a force that might hold someone else back.
"So you're saying I have to let him go." I swallow over the lump in my throat. Everything inside me wants to reject what he's saying but I know that he's right.
"Yeah. You have to let him go. Just for a little while."
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
FINN
I pull on a pair of comfortable jeans, and then pull out a striped collared shirt. Being in my own place with my own stuff feels weird after being away for the past few weeks. My eyes land on the row of tailored suits in the back of my closet. I had them all made when I got the first part of my inheritance. Flush with more money than sense, I'd wanted to dress a certain way. Like looking the part would make me feel like I deserved the money.
That's always been my way when I'm trying to impress someone. Put on the flash. But today I just want my favorite pair of jeans. I want to look like myself.
Today I'm going to see my girl.
Jonah is waiting for me downstairs. I called him as soon as Tank brought me back from the rehab center. He's been on vacation for the past month visiting his mother in Arizona. He has a deep tan and looks more relaxed than I've ever seen him. When he sees me, he actually smiles.
"It's good to have you back, sir."
"It's great to be back."
He opens the door and I slip into the backseat. Taking my truck out for a spin was my first choice but then I realized I might want my hands free on the ride home.
After I give Jonah the address of our destination, I sit back and think about what I'm going to say.
When I first checked myself into the rehab center, I thought the only way I could handle leaving was to cut off all communication with the outside world completely. But at the last minute, I sent Rissa an email expressing my sincere apologies for my deception. It was important for me to tell her that I was truly sorry for what I'd done. No excuses. No bullshit.
I wasn't even sure if she'd accept my apology but then she'd answered back to tell me she appreciated my gift of the building. I'm not even sure how it happened but over the past six weeks we've exchanged dozens of emails and talked about everything in a way that we had difficulty doing face-to-face.
I told her about my group therapy sessions. She told me about the changes she's made at work to make sure they all have more leisure time. When I was shaking and shivering craving the pills so badly that I wanted to scream, I would read her emails over and over and it gave me something to focus on.
Jonah stops the car at the curb in front of Gloria Blake's house. I know Rissa is still staying here because I had Jonah check before I got back. I could have just asked her but I didn't want to tip my hand. I want to surprise her. According to Jonah, she always leaves for her second shift about this time. She doesn’t know this but Tara will be covering for her tonight.
After about ten minutes, Rissa steps outside. She’s carrying a bunch of stuff just like usual and when I see her my heart clenches. She locks the door behind her and then looks up to the sky. Her eyes are closed.
I get out of the car and walk up the driveway. She opens her eyes and gapes at me. “Finn?”
“What are you doing out here? It’s a little early for stargazing, isn’t it?”
Her soft smile is so warm that I can feel it from where I stand. “Just making a wish."
"What did you wish for?"
"It already happened." Then she steps down and leans against my chest.
I pull her into my arms and bury my face in her hair.
"Tank told me that he saw you. He said that he told you where I was but he asked you to stay away." I'd been pretty angry with him that day but that didn't last long. I know that my brother is only trying to look out for me. I would have done the same thing if our positions were reversed for sure.
"You're really not going to tell me where he is?"
He puts down the tape. "He's in rehab. And I really don't think he wants you to see him like that. I'm sorry that I'm being so cagey about this but he's my little brother. I just want him to get better."
"I want him to get better, too. There's nothing I want more than that. I would never get in the way of his recovery. I just want to help him."
Things are quiet for a moment and when I look up, Tank is standing next to me. He lowers himself onto the floor next to me. "Damn, I'm too big to be getting down on the floor. I hope you know I wouldn't do this for just anybody."
His cranky commentary brings a brief smile to my face. I know he's trying to make me feel better.
"You know I've always liked you, Rissa. But this situation … it's just not a good place for my brother. Finn is going to kick my ass when he finds out I said this to you but I think that having you in his life right now might be doing him more harm than good."
"But I love him."
"I know. He loves you, too. The two of you have always been like fireworks. You spark off each other and you create all this heat. But while fireworks are exciting, they can also be dangerous. And I think he needs a chance to recover before he tackles all the issues you guys have."
Despite the fact that what he's saying mirrors what I've been thinking too, it still hurts to hear. Love is supposed to be enough. No one wants to think of their love as being a force that might hold someone else back.
"So you're saying I have to let him go." I swallow over the lump in my throat. Everything inside me wants to reject what he's saying but I know that he's right.
"Yeah. You have to let him go. Just for a little while."
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
FINN
I pull on a pair of comfortable jeans, and then pull out a striped collared shirt. Being in my own place with my own stuff feels weird after being away for the past few weeks. My eyes land on the row of tailored suits in the back of my closet. I had them all made when I got the first part of my inheritance. Flush with more money than sense, I'd wanted to dress a certain way. Like looking the part would make me feel like I deserved the money.
That's always been my way when I'm trying to impress someone. Put on the flash. But today I just want my favorite pair of jeans. I want to look like myself.
Today I'm going to see my girl.
Jonah is waiting for me downstairs. I called him as soon as Tank brought me back from the rehab center. He's been on vacation for the past month visiting his mother in Arizona. He has a deep tan and looks more relaxed than I've ever seen him. When he sees me, he actually smiles.
"It's good to have you back, sir."
"It's great to be back."
He opens the door and I slip into the backseat. Taking my truck out for a spin was my first choice but then I realized I might want my hands free on the ride home.
After I give Jonah the address of our destination, I sit back and think about what I'm going to say.
When I first checked myself into the rehab center, I thought the only way I could handle leaving was to cut off all communication with the outside world completely. But at the last minute, I sent Rissa an email expressing my sincere apologies for my deception. It was important for me to tell her that I was truly sorry for what I'd done. No excuses. No bullshit.
I wasn't even sure if she'd accept my apology but then she'd answered back to tell me she appreciated my gift of the building. I'm not even sure how it happened but over the past six weeks we've exchanged dozens of emails and talked about everything in a way that we had difficulty doing face-to-face.
I told her about my group therapy sessions. She told me about the changes she's made at work to make sure they all have more leisure time. When I was shaking and shivering craving the pills so badly that I wanted to scream, I would read her emails over and over and it gave me something to focus on.
Jonah stops the car at the curb in front of Gloria Blake's house. I know Rissa is still staying here because I had Jonah check before I got back. I could have just asked her but I didn't want to tip my hand. I want to surprise her. According to Jonah, she always leaves for her second shift about this time. She doesn’t know this but Tara will be covering for her tonight.
After about ten minutes, Rissa steps outside. She’s carrying a bunch of stuff just like usual and when I see her my heart clenches. She locks the door behind her and then looks up to the sky. Her eyes are closed.
I get out of the car and walk up the driveway. She opens her eyes and gapes at me. “Finn?”
“What are you doing out here? It’s a little early for stargazing, isn’t it?”
Her soft smile is so warm that I can feel it from where I stand. “Just making a wish."
"What did you wish for?"
"It already happened." Then she steps down and leans against my chest.
I pull her into my arms and bury my face in her hair.
"Tank told me that he saw you. He said that he told you where I was but he asked you to stay away." I'd been pretty angry with him that day but that didn't last long. I know that my brother is only trying to look out for me. I would have done the same thing if our positions were reversed for sure.
