On the way to pick up Lillia, I try calling Mary’s house, to tell her we’re coming, but no one answers. Shit. Maybe we shouldn’t have let her go on her own last night. I get this nervous feeling in my stomach. What if her fight with Reeve sent her off the deep end again? What if she . . .
I don’t even want to think about it.
Lillia’s waiting for me on the front steps. She’s got on a pair of loose-fitting jeans and a hoodie, and sunglasses over her eyes. Her hair is still wet. She walks slowly up to my car, like she’s a zombie. I give her the egg sandwich. “Here.”
“Oh, awesome,” she says. “You’re the best, Kat.”
“Wild night?” I ask, watching her out of the corner of my eye.
“Kind of. A bunch of people went to hang out in the cemetery. I got a little tipsy . . . I kept yelling at Reeve about what a jerk he is until he finally left.”
I give Lillia a high five for that.
“I got into it with Rennie, too. We’re officially frenemies now.” Lillia smiles, but I can tell her heart isn’t in it. “It’s the end of an era, Katherine.”
I can’t help but feel a surge of vindication. Rennie’s pure evil. She knows it now without a doubt. Lil’s much better off without her.
Tremulously Lillia says, “I’m just glad we found each other again. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you and Mary.”
Gruffly I say, “Well, that’s not something you have to worry about,” and Lillia smiles a real smile this time.
Lillia wolfs down the sandwich while I drive us to Middlebury. As she’s licking her fingers, she says, “Do you think Mary is okay?”
“She’ll be okay.”
“No . . . I mean, like, do you think she’s mentally okay?”
I get quiet because I’m not sure.
“I was thinking maybe we should try to get her to talk to someone.”
“Like who? A guidance counselor?” I think immediately of Ms. Chirazo and shake my head like a big Hells, no. “We’ll keep a closer eye on her. If things get bad, okay, we’ll force her to talk to someone. But I don’t think we’re at that point yet.” At least, I hope we aren’t.
Lillia looks unsure, but she nods. “Okay. Deal.”
We drive to Mary’s house. I don’t see her aunt’s car in the driveway, thank God. We go up to the front door and ring the bell a few times, but no one answers. I’ve got a bad feeling in my stomach when I say, “Maybe she went out for breakfast?”
Lillia calls out, “Mary! Mary!”
“I’m around back!”
Lillia and I walk over to the garage. Mary’s inside, her bicycle turned upside down. She’s greasing up her chain.
The garage is dark, save for one raw bulb dangling down from the rafters. The place is full of stuff. Furniture covered with sheets, a telescope collapsed and leaning against an old bureau. “Wow. There must be an entire house worth of stuff in here.”
“It’s mostly my family’s things,” she says. “From when we moved.”
I walk over and look at the telescope. It’s super nice. High end. “They didn’t want this?” It seems crazy to me that a family would leave all their things behind. But then again, I’m not rich. Maybe Mary’s family has money.
Mary shrugs. “Dad liked to try and spot whales from the front window. There’s no ocean view where they live now.”
“We brought cupcakes,” Lillia announces, and takes the box from my hands.
I take a seat on some old patio furniture. “We wanted to make sure you were okay, after what Reeve said to you in the maze last night.”
Mary stands up and pulls her hands inside her sweater sleeves. “I’m embarrassed that you guys heard all of that. How I apologized to him.”
I say, “You have nothing to be sorry for, okay? Nothing.”
“I guess.” Her bottom lip starts quivering, but she bites on it to make it stop, and sucks in a deep breath. “I don’t understand why I can’t get over it.” Lillia and I both nod. “I’m like a shadow of a person. I feel like I’m disappearing.” Mary wrings her hands. “I’ve been trying so hard . . .” Her voice gets all shaky. “I’ve been trying to join clubs at school to give myself something to focus on, start thinking about my future. But even though I’ve been working to put myself back together, I’m always seconds away from falling apart. I had the worst fight with my aunt last night. I know it’s terrible to say, but part of me wishes I’d just gone through with killing myself, because this is no way to live.”
In that moment, all the air is sucked out of the garage, and I’m suddenly aware of how fast my heart is beating. This is our worst nightmare come true. I glance over at Lillia. She’s fiddling with the strings on her hoodie. She doesn’t know what to say.
Neither do I.
It’s too quiet. So I say, “Mary, this isn’t a case of ‘if at first you don’t succeed,’ okay?” My bad joke tumbles out along with a hollow, nervous laugh. Lillia shoots me a look, but what the hell? I didn’t see her opening her mouth. “You need to quit saying that kind of stuff.”
I don’t even know if she hears me, because she’s so upset. Her whole body has crumpled, like all the bones holding her up have gone soft. I push my bangs out of my eyes, lean forward, and tell her, “You’ve been through a lot, but someday this isn’t going to seem so devastating. Next year you’ll be a senior, and after that you’ll head off to college. One day you’ll look back on this shit and laugh.” I wish I could give Mary more hope than that, something that could help her in the here and now, but that’s all I’ve got.
In her quiet way she says, “The funny thing is that Reeve wouldn’t care if I died or not. Do you know how that feels, after everything I’ve been through? And it’s not because he’s heartless. He does care about some people.” She lifts her head and looks at Lillia. “But not me.”
Lillia turns bright, bright red. Pleadingly she says, “Mary, you can’t do this to yourself. He’s not worth it.” She pushes her hair over to one side. “Like, not at all.”
Mary locks eyes with Lillia. “I heard you guys last night in the parking lot. I heard the things you said to him. Nobody’s ever stuck up for me that way before, not ever. You’ve been like a big sister to me. Both of you.”
I don’t even want to think about it.
Lillia’s waiting for me on the front steps. She’s got on a pair of loose-fitting jeans and a hoodie, and sunglasses over her eyes. Her hair is still wet. She walks slowly up to my car, like she’s a zombie. I give her the egg sandwich. “Here.”
“Oh, awesome,” she says. “You’re the best, Kat.”
“Wild night?” I ask, watching her out of the corner of my eye.
“Kind of. A bunch of people went to hang out in the cemetery. I got a little tipsy . . . I kept yelling at Reeve about what a jerk he is until he finally left.”
I give Lillia a high five for that.
“I got into it with Rennie, too. We’re officially frenemies now.” Lillia smiles, but I can tell her heart isn’t in it. “It’s the end of an era, Katherine.”
I can’t help but feel a surge of vindication. Rennie’s pure evil. She knows it now without a doubt. Lil’s much better off without her.
Tremulously Lillia says, “I’m just glad we found each other again. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you and Mary.”
Gruffly I say, “Well, that’s not something you have to worry about,” and Lillia smiles a real smile this time.
Lillia wolfs down the sandwich while I drive us to Middlebury. As she’s licking her fingers, she says, “Do you think Mary is okay?”
“She’ll be okay.”
“No . . . I mean, like, do you think she’s mentally okay?”
I get quiet because I’m not sure.
“I was thinking maybe we should try to get her to talk to someone.”
“Like who? A guidance counselor?” I think immediately of Ms. Chirazo and shake my head like a big Hells, no. “We’ll keep a closer eye on her. If things get bad, okay, we’ll force her to talk to someone. But I don’t think we’re at that point yet.” At least, I hope we aren’t.
Lillia looks unsure, but she nods. “Okay. Deal.”
We drive to Mary’s house. I don’t see her aunt’s car in the driveway, thank God. We go up to the front door and ring the bell a few times, but no one answers. I’ve got a bad feeling in my stomach when I say, “Maybe she went out for breakfast?”
Lillia calls out, “Mary! Mary!”
“I’m around back!”
Lillia and I walk over to the garage. Mary’s inside, her bicycle turned upside down. She’s greasing up her chain.
The garage is dark, save for one raw bulb dangling down from the rafters. The place is full of stuff. Furniture covered with sheets, a telescope collapsed and leaning against an old bureau. “Wow. There must be an entire house worth of stuff in here.”
“It’s mostly my family’s things,” she says. “From when we moved.”
I walk over and look at the telescope. It’s super nice. High end. “They didn’t want this?” It seems crazy to me that a family would leave all their things behind. But then again, I’m not rich. Maybe Mary’s family has money.
Mary shrugs. “Dad liked to try and spot whales from the front window. There’s no ocean view where they live now.”
“We brought cupcakes,” Lillia announces, and takes the box from my hands.
I take a seat on some old patio furniture. “We wanted to make sure you were okay, after what Reeve said to you in the maze last night.”
Mary stands up and pulls her hands inside her sweater sleeves. “I’m embarrassed that you guys heard all of that. How I apologized to him.”
I say, “You have nothing to be sorry for, okay? Nothing.”
“I guess.” Her bottom lip starts quivering, but she bites on it to make it stop, and sucks in a deep breath. “I don’t understand why I can’t get over it.” Lillia and I both nod. “I’m like a shadow of a person. I feel like I’m disappearing.” Mary wrings her hands. “I’ve been trying so hard . . .” Her voice gets all shaky. “I’ve been trying to join clubs at school to give myself something to focus on, start thinking about my future. But even though I’ve been working to put myself back together, I’m always seconds away from falling apart. I had the worst fight with my aunt last night. I know it’s terrible to say, but part of me wishes I’d just gone through with killing myself, because this is no way to live.”
In that moment, all the air is sucked out of the garage, and I’m suddenly aware of how fast my heart is beating. This is our worst nightmare come true. I glance over at Lillia. She’s fiddling with the strings on her hoodie. She doesn’t know what to say.
Neither do I.
It’s too quiet. So I say, “Mary, this isn’t a case of ‘if at first you don’t succeed,’ okay?” My bad joke tumbles out along with a hollow, nervous laugh. Lillia shoots me a look, but what the hell? I didn’t see her opening her mouth. “You need to quit saying that kind of stuff.”
I don’t even know if she hears me, because she’s so upset. Her whole body has crumpled, like all the bones holding her up have gone soft. I push my bangs out of my eyes, lean forward, and tell her, “You’ve been through a lot, but someday this isn’t going to seem so devastating. Next year you’ll be a senior, and after that you’ll head off to college. One day you’ll look back on this shit and laugh.” I wish I could give Mary more hope than that, something that could help her in the here and now, but that’s all I’ve got.
In her quiet way she says, “The funny thing is that Reeve wouldn’t care if I died or not. Do you know how that feels, after everything I’ve been through? And it’s not because he’s heartless. He does care about some people.” She lifts her head and looks at Lillia. “But not me.”
Lillia turns bright, bright red. Pleadingly she says, “Mary, you can’t do this to yourself. He’s not worth it.” She pushes her hair over to one side. “Like, not at all.”
Mary locks eyes with Lillia. “I heard you guys last night in the parking lot. I heard the things you said to him. Nobody’s ever stuck up for me that way before, not ever. You’ve been like a big sister to me. Both of you.”
