“But—I don’t even remember it,” Lillia weeps. “I was too drunk. I didn’t even want to do it. I—I kept calling out Rennie’s name for help, but she didn’t answer.”
Mary and I look at each other in horror. Oh my God. “Lil, that was rape,” I say. “That wasn’t just a bad first time. That was straight up-rape.”
She’s shaking her head. “No, it wasn’t like that. I didn’t, like, push him off of me.”
“You didn’t push that effer off because you were too drunk!” I yell.
The louder I yell, the quieter Lil gets. Her voice sounds feeble when she says, “He was drunk too. I don’t even know if he heard me say no, that’s the thing.” She’s curled up, hugging her knees to her chest, her hair falling around her face. “I doubt he thinks it was rape. I don’t even know if I think it was rape. I went upstairs with him; I kissed him back; I let him do all that stuff. I didn’t scream for help or anything.”
“Lil, if you weren’t in your right mind to say yes, that means it was rape, I’m telling you! That’s like the very definition of rape!” My blood is boiling; I can literally feel it boiling. I jump up and start pacing around. I’m going to take this guy down. “What’s his name? Tell me his name, and I’ll go over there right now with my boys.” Pat would come; so would Ricky. I can get a whole posse together. I’ll get my old baseball bat out and smash this guy’s whole house to smithereens—
“Kat, sit down,” Mary says, fixing her blue eyes on me.
I’m startled by how firm her voice sounds, so I sit my ass down. “We can’t let him get away with it!”
“It’s not up to you,” Mary says. “We do what Lillia wants.”
I open my mouth to argue with her, but then Lillia speaks up. Gratefully she says, “Thanks, Mary. I . . . I appreciate it. And Kat, I appreciate you too. I want to forget the whole thing happened. It was a mistake, and it’s over. I don’t want to let it affect me any more than it already has. I just . . . want it to be over.”
I nod, because I get that. Then I say, “Wait a minute, you called out for Rennie? She was there too?”
“Yeah. It was this summer; we met these two UMass guys on the beach . . . they had a party.” Lillia swallows. “We drank a lot, I don’t really remember much of what happened after we went upstairs with them. But Rennie was in the room with me; she had sex with her guy too. We left before they woke up.”
“So was Rennie raped too, then?” I ask her.
“I don’t know. I don’t know if what happened was rape, or if things just went too far, or what. Rennie and I never talked about it again after that night.” She wipes her eyes with her sweater sleeve. “I can’t even believe I’m telling you guys this.”
“We’re your friends,” Mary says, crawling closer to her. “You can tell us anything.”
“But shouldn’t we . . .” I hesitate. “Call the cops or something? Report the guy?”
“There’s no evidence,” Lillia says. “I didn’t get a rape kit done. I didn’t have any bruises on my body. It would be his word against mine, and I don’t want to go through that. I don’t want my parents to have to go through that. I don’t want them to ever know that happened to me.” She lifts her head and meets Mary’s eyes. “I want them to still see me the same way. You know what I mean?”
Mary nods. “I know exactly what you mean.”
“Lil, maybe you should talk to someone,” I say, and I feel like the world’s biggest hypocrite, because it’s not like I’m some big believer in talking out my feelings. But this is serious. “Like, I don’t know, a counselor. Or a therapist. Not Ms. Chirazo, but a legit therapist, someone with a degree, someone who knows their shit. Maybe they can help you.”
“Maybe,” Lil says, but I can’t tell if she means it. Then suddenly she says, “I will if you will, Mary.”
Yes! Lillia! Perfect, perfect timing. Girl does not miss a beat!
Mary reels back like Lillia slapped her. “I don’t need to talk to anybody.”
Wetting her lips, Lillia says, “You’ve been through a lot.”
I quick jump in with, “And I know things aren’t so great at home with your aunt right now . . . it could help to have another person on your side.”
Shaking her head, Mary clenches her fists inside her sleeves. “Can we talk about something else? Please?” She closes her eyes, like she can’t even bear to look at us.
This time, thank God, I know to keep my mouth shut.
CHAPTER FIFTY
I wake up to the sound of my phone ringing. I’m buried under my comforter, and it’s dark in my room because the shades are all drawn. Blindly I sit up and start pawing around my bed for my cell phone. Then the ringing stops and I lie back down. And then the ringing starts again.
Kat’s sprawled out on the floor on her sleeping bag, twisted up in my baby blanket. She groans loudly. “Somebody turn that shit off!”
From my love seat Mary lifts her head and asks, “What time is it?”
“Too damn early,” Kat growls.
I finally find my phone at the foot of my bed. It’s Reeve. I sit up quick. “It’s Reeve, you guys!” I scream.
Kat jumps onto my bed and Mary rushes over and kneels on the floor beside us. Everybody’s wide awake now. “What do I do?” I ask them. Panic is rising in my chest. “Should I pick up?” Yesterday I fully accepted that I would never speak to Reeve Tabatsky again in my life. But I didn’t think for a second that he’d call me.
Mary’s eyes are wide. “Yes!”
“Put him on speaker!” Kat orders. “Be brutal, Lil!”
My hand is shaking as I answer it. I click speaker. “Hello?”
“Hey, what’s going on?”
I say, “Who is this?” in a fake sleepy voice, and Kat falls over laughing silently. Mary’s crouching at my side, her eyes wide. I don’t even know if she’s breathing.
“It’s Reeve!” And I can tell he’s annoyed. “Why aren’t you here yet?”
“I just woke up. I guess I overslept. Sorry.” I keep my voice indifferent and un-sorry.
He huffs, “Well, can you come over now?”
My heart does a little ping. I take a deep breath and try to conjure up some of the anger I felt when he didn’t come back the other night, but it’s gone. Awkwardly I say, “I’m not really feeling it.”
Mary and I look at each other in horror. Oh my God. “Lil, that was rape,” I say. “That wasn’t just a bad first time. That was straight up-rape.”
She’s shaking her head. “No, it wasn’t like that. I didn’t, like, push him off of me.”
“You didn’t push that effer off because you were too drunk!” I yell.
The louder I yell, the quieter Lil gets. Her voice sounds feeble when she says, “He was drunk too. I don’t even know if he heard me say no, that’s the thing.” She’s curled up, hugging her knees to her chest, her hair falling around her face. “I doubt he thinks it was rape. I don’t even know if I think it was rape. I went upstairs with him; I kissed him back; I let him do all that stuff. I didn’t scream for help or anything.”
“Lil, if you weren’t in your right mind to say yes, that means it was rape, I’m telling you! That’s like the very definition of rape!” My blood is boiling; I can literally feel it boiling. I jump up and start pacing around. I’m going to take this guy down. “What’s his name? Tell me his name, and I’ll go over there right now with my boys.” Pat would come; so would Ricky. I can get a whole posse together. I’ll get my old baseball bat out and smash this guy’s whole house to smithereens—
“Kat, sit down,” Mary says, fixing her blue eyes on me.
I’m startled by how firm her voice sounds, so I sit my ass down. “We can’t let him get away with it!”
“It’s not up to you,” Mary says. “We do what Lillia wants.”
I open my mouth to argue with her, but then Lillia speaks up. Gratefully she says, “Thanks, Mary. I . . . I appreciate it. And Kat, I appreciate you too. I want to forget the whole thing happened. It was a mistake, and it’s over. I don’t want to let it affect me any more than it already has. I just . . . want it to be over.”
I nod, because I get that. Then I say, “Wait a minute, you called out for Rennie? She was there too?”
“Yeah. It was this summer; we met these two UMass guys on the beach . . . they had a party.” Lillia swallows. “We drank a lot, I don’t really remember much of what happened after we went upstairs with them. But Rennie was in the room with me; she had sex with her guy too. We left before they woke up.”
“So was Rennie raped too, then?” I ask her.
“I don’t know. I don’t know if what happened was rape, or if things just went too far, or what. Rennie and I never talked about it again after that night.” She wipes her eyes with her sweater sleeve. “I can’t even believe I’m telling you guys this.”
“We’re your friends,” Mary says, crawling closer to her. “You can tell us anything.”
“But shouldn’t we . . .” I hesitate. “Call the cops or something? Report the guy?”
“There’s no evidence,” Lillia says. “I didn’t get a rape kit done. I didn’t have any bruises on my body. It would be his word against mine, and I don’t want to go through that. I don’t want my parents to have to go through that. I don’t want them to ever know that happened to me.” She lifts her head and meets Mary’s eyes. “I want them to still see me the same way. You know what I mean?”
Mary nods. “I know exactly what you mean.”
“Lil, maybe you should talk to someone,” I say, and I feel like the world’s biggest hypocrite, because it’s not like I’m some big believer in talking out my feelings. But this is serious. “Like, I don’t know, a counselor. Or a therapist. Not Ms. Chirazo, but a legit therapist, someone with a degree, someone who knows their shit. Maybe they can help you.”
“Maybe,” Lil says, but I can’t tell if she means it. Then suddenly she says, “I will if you will, Mary.”
Yes! Lillia! Perfect, perfect timing. Girl does not miss a beat!
Mary reels back like Lillia slapped her. “I don’t need to talk to anybody.”
Wetting her lips, Lillia says, “You’ve been through a lot.”
I quick jump in with, “And I know things aren’t so great at home with your aunt right now . . . it could help to have another person on your side.”
Shaking her head, Mary clenches her fists inside her sleeves. “Can we talk about something else? Please?” She closes her eyes, like she can’t even bear to look at us.
This time, thank God, I know to keep my mouth shut.
CHAPTER FIFTY
I wake up to the sound of my phone ringing. I’m buried under my comforter, and it’s dark in my room because the shades are all drawn. Blindly I sit up and start pawing around my bed for my cell phone. Then the ringing stops and I lie back down. And then the ringing starts again.
Kat’s sprawled out on the floor on her sleeping bag, twisted up in my baby blanket. She groans loudly. “Somebody turn that shit off!”
From my love seat Mary lifts her head and asks, “What time is it?”
“Too damn early,” Kat growls.
I finally find my phone at the foot of my bed. It’s Reeve. I sit up quick. “It’s Reeve, you guys!” I scream.
Kat jumps onto my bed and Mary rushes over and kneels on the floor beside us. Everybody’s wide awake now. “What do I do?” I ask them. Panic is rising in my chest. “Should I pick up?” Yesterday I fully accepted that I would never speak to Reeve Tabatsky again in my life. But I didn’t think for a second that he’d call me.
Mary’s eyes are wide. “Yes!”
“Put him on speaker!” Kat orders. “Be brutal, Lil!”
My hand is shaking as I answer it. I click speaker. “Hello?”
“Hey, what’s going on?”
I say, “Who is this?” in a fake sleepy voice, and Kat falls over laughing silently. Mary’s crouching at my side, her eyes wide. I don’t even know if she’s breathing.
“It’s Reeve!” And I can tell he’s annoyed. “Why aren’t you here yet?”
“I just woke up. I guess I overslept. Sorry.” I keep my voice indifferent and un-sorry.
He huffs, “Well, can you come over now?”
My heart does a little ping. I take a deep breath and try to conjure up some of the anger I felt when he didn’t come back the other night, but it’s gone. Awkwardly I say, “I’m not really feeling it.”
