“I got taken before her, and it was the worst day of my life. I only found her again recently.”
“I’m so sorry,” I rasp between tears. “I didn’t . . . I couldn’t . . .”
“We saw a lot of bad shit together—I can’t even begin to explain how much. We had to clean up a woman’s brains with our hands when the man who owned us got pissed off and shot her. That was our life.”
My body jerks and bile rises in my throat. Rainer seems to feel that and his arms tighten around me.
“But I’m free now, and so is Pippa. I’m trying to fix myself. To move on. I drink way more than I should, and I can’t keep relationships because my moods fluctuate so rapidly.”
“Is it how you lost your memory?” I whisper.
“Yeah. I didn’t really lose my memory as such, but traumatic events caused everything to become fuzzy. Some days I get so fucking frustrated because I can’t remember the simplest things.”
“It’s not your fault, Rainer. You’re a stronger person than most.”
“Sometimes fitting back into the real world is so fucking hard, I wonder how I’ll cope. You know, I’ve not told a fucking soul about that. I don’t know what it is about you, Mali, but . . .”
“I’m glad you trusted me enough. Sometimes telling your story is the start of the biggest road to recovery.”
He rolls me towards him and his eyes study my face. “I can’t promise you anything, Mali, but I find myself wanting to be around you.”
“Same here,” I say, studying his face. “And for as long as you’ll have me, Rainer, I’ll stay.”
“Why?” he whispers.
“Because you’re worth it.”
He leans forward and kisses me, and I let him.
He needs to know he’s worth it, even if right now he doesn’t believe it.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
MALI – THEN
Rainer and I hold hands as the coffin is lowered into the ground. There aren’t many people here. That’s because Rainer’s dad had no one who cared about him. He was a drunk, and a cruel man, and because of that no one wanted to be in his life. So it’s just us, an old, nearly dead priest who is mumbling the words. We scraped money together to get to bury Rainer’s father with respect. Respect he probably doesn’t deserve.
They told us he was in a car accident, that he was drunk and ran off the road. I don’t know how much of it is true, or if there’s more to the story, but it’s all anyone cares about. He was dead broke and left Rainer with nothing but debts piled high. Rainer had to quit school and find a job at a local garage to try and keep the house. I asked him why he was insistent on keeping the place and not selling it, but he just shut me out and said I wouldn’t understand. Maybe I wouldn’t. Everything just went so bad. He had a future, he was going to college, and now he’s got nothing but pain.
As the dirt is thrown over the cheap coffin, I say a silent goodbye. Rainer says nothing; he glares at the grave and then tugs my hand. We walk towards his car, neither of us knowing what to say. It’s a cold day out, and there’s a soft drizzle of rain falling over us. Not enough to soak us, just that frustrating light sprinkle that becomes irritating. We step into the parking lot, and I see four men standing near Rainer’s car.
Rainer stops dead.
“Emy, wait for me here,” he orders, not taking his eyes off them.
“Who are they, Rai?” I whisper.
“They aren’t your concern. Wait here.”
He lets my hand go and walks over to the men. I stare as they all talk amongst themselves. It seems to get heated for a few moments and then Rainer nods and steps back. The men all disappear and I rush over. Something doesn’t seem right about the situation, and I know whatever those men wanted wasn’t good.
“Who were they?” I ask as Rainer opens the car door for me.
“Nothing for you to worry about.”
“Rai, I’m not stupid. Who are they?”
He sighs. “My dad had debts. I have to pay them off.”
I shake my head, confused. “Debts? What kind of debts?”
“That doesn’t matter. You just need to know I’m working on it. It’ll be fine.”
“Rainer . . .”
His eyes flash to me. “Get in the car, Emy.”
“Rainer please . . .”
“Now,” he barks.
Dropping my head, I slide into the car.
How did things go from so wonderful to so bad so quickly?
~*~*~*~
I haven’t seen Rainer for an entire week. He’s been missing in action. I waited at his house for a few days after school, but each day nothing changed. He isn’t there, and that scares me. Rainer is into something bad, I can feel it in my bones. He said his dad had debts, and I worry about how he’s repaying them. I have a bad feeling it’s by illegal means.
Today is day eight, and I decide to break in. I’ve been peering through the windows, but today I’m going to enter.
I use some of my dad’s tools and bust the side window, the one that was always broken. I climb through it and into the dark, damp-smelling space. No one is here, and I’m certain now that they haven’t been. My heart aches with fear. What if something has happened to Rainer and he’s in danger?
What if it’s worse?
Tears well in my eyes as I flick on some lights and start rummaging through drawers, trying to find clues. I find a few bills, and some messily written numbers, but nothing that means anything or makes any sense. I rush up to Rainer’s room and swing the door open. His bed is unmade and there are clothes scattered across the floor. I walk in and start searching through his things, too, trying to find answers.
“What the fuck are you doing, Emy?”
I jerk upright with a scream, dropping the items I had in my hands, and spin around to see Rainer at the door. He’s glaring at me, and he looks super pissed. He also looks as if he’s been living in a dump the past week. His hair is a mess, his clothes are grubby, and he looks exhausted. His eyes are red-rimmed and sunken, and he’s got light bruises on his cheeks.
“I was trying to find a way to find you,” I say, straightening. “Where the hell have you been, Rainer?”
He crosses his big arms. “None of your fucking business.”
“I’m your friend!” I yell. “It is my business.”
“It’s not,” he roars. “Do yourself a favor and stay out of my shit. Go to school, enjoy your life, and leave me to mine.”
I swallow the pain that rises up in my chest at his words. “Are you seriously going to push me away?” I whisper. “Jesus, Rainer. I thought we meant more to each other . . .”
He steps into the room and storms past me, lifting his shirt and tossing it off. “We kissed a couple of times. It meant nothing.”
It’s as if someone has slapped me in the face. I thought it meant a whole lot more than nothing, even to him.
“You don’t mean that...”
He looks over his shoulder at me. “I do. You need to move on with your life.”
“Rainer,” I whisper. “You’re my friend.”
“Yeah, and shit has happened and my life isn’t the same anymore. You need to accept that. You don’t need to ruin yours. Now, can you leave? I’m busy.”
“I’m so sorry,” I rasp between tears. “I didn’t . . . I couldn’t . . .”
“We saw a lot of bad shit together—I can’t even begin to explain how much. We had to clean up a woman’s brains with our hands when the man who owned us got pissed off and shot her. That was our life.”
My body jerks and bile rises in my throat. Rainer seems to feel that and his arms tighten around me.
“But I’m free now, and so is Pippa. I’m trying to fix myself. To move on. I drink way more than I should, and I can’t keep relationships because my moods fluctuate so rapidly.”
“Is it how you lost your memory?” I whisper.
“Yeah. I didn’t really lose my memory as such, but traumatic events caused everything to become fuzzy. Some days I get so fucking frustrated because I can’t remember the simplest things.”
“It’s not your fault, Rainer. You’re a stronger person than most.”
“Sometimes fitting back into the real world is so fucking hard, I wonder how I’ll cope. You know, I’ve not told a fucking soul about that. I don’t know what it is about you, Mali, but . . .”
“I’m glad you trusted me enough. Sometimes telling your story is the start of the biggest road to recovery.”
He rolls me towards him and his eyes study my face. “I can’t promise you anything, Mali, but I find myself wanting to be around you.”
“Same here,” I say, studying his face. “And for as long as you’ll have me, Rainer, I’ll stay.”
“Why?” he whispers.
“Because you’re worth it.”
He leans forward and kisses me, and I let him.
He needs to know he’s worth it, even if right now he doesn’t believe it.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
MALI – THEN
Rainer and I hold hands as the coffin is lowered into the ground. There aren’t many people here. That’s because Rainer’s dad had no one who cared about him. He was a drunk, and a cruel man, and because of that no one wanted to be in his life. So it’s just us, an old, nearly dead priest who is mumbling the words. We scraped money together to get to bury Rainer’s father with respect. Respect he probably doesn’t deserve.
They told us he was in a car accident, that he was drunk and ran off the road. I don’t know how much of it is true, or if there’s more to the story, but it’s all anyone cares about. He was dead broke and left Rainer with nothing but debts piled high. Rainer had to quit school and find a job at a local garage to try and keep the house. I asked him why he was insistent on keeping the place and not selling it, but he just shut me out and said I wouldn’t understand. Maybe I wouldn’t. Everything just went so bad. He had a future, he was going to college, and now he’s got nothing but pain.
As the dirt is thrown over the cheap coffin, I say a silent goodbye. Rainer says nothing; he glares at the grave and then tugs my hand. We walk towards his car, neither of us knowing what to say. It’s a cold day out, and there’s a soft drizzle of rain falling over us. Not enough to soak us, just that frustrating light sprinkle that becomes irritating. We step into the parking lot, and I see four men standing near Rainer’s car.
Rainer stops dead.
“Emy, wait for me here,” he orders, not taking his eyes off them.
“Who are they, Rai?” I whisper.
“They aren’t your concern. Wait here.”
He lets my hand go and walks over to the men. I stare as they all talk amongst themselves. It seems to get heated for a few moments and then Rainer nods and steps back. The men all disappear and I rush over. Something doesn’t seem right about the situation, and I know whatever those men wanted wasn’t good.
“Who were they?” I ask as Rainer opens the car door for me.
“Nothing for you to worry about.”
“Rai, I’m not stupid. Who are they?”
He sighs. “My dad had debts. I have to pay them off.”
I shake my head, confused. “Debts? What kind of debts?”
“That doesn’t matter. You just need to know I’m working on it. It’ll be fine.”
“Rainer . . .”
His eyes flash to me. “Get in the car, Emy.”
“Rainer please . . .”
“Now,” he barks.
Dropping my head, I slide into the car.
How did things go from so wonderful to so bad so quickly?
~*~*~*~
I haven’t seen Rainer for an entire week. He’s been missing in action. I waited at his house for a few days after school, but each day nothing changed. He isn’t there, and that scares me. Rainer is into something bad, I can feel it in my bones. He said his dad had debts, and I worry about how he’s repaying them. I have a bad feeling it’s by illegal means.
Today is day eight, and I decide to break in. I’ve been peering through the windows, but today I’m going to enter.
I use some of my dad’s tools and bust the side window, the one that was always broken. I climb through it and into the dark, damp-smelling space. No one is here, and I’m certain now that they haven’t been. My heart aches with fear. What if something has happened to Rainer and he’s in danger?
What if it’s worse?
Tears well in my eyes as I flick on some lights and start rummaging through drawers, trying to find clues. I find a few bills, and some messily written numbers, but nothing that means anything or makes any sense. I rush up to Rainer’s room and swing the door open. His bed is unmade and there are clothes scattered across the floor. I walk in and start searching through his things, too, trying to find answers.
“What the fuck are you doing, Emy?”
I jerk upright with a scream, dropping the items I had in my hands, and spin around to see Rainer at the door. He’s glaring at me, and he looks super pissed. He also looks as if he’s been living in a dump the past week. His hair is a mess, his clothes are grubby, and he looks exhausted. His eyes are red-rimmed and sunken, and he’s got light bruises on his cheeks.
“I was trying to find a way to find you,” I say, straightening. “Where the hell have you been, Rainer?”
He crosses his big arms. “None of your fucking business.”
“I’m your friend!” I yell. “It is my business.”
“It’s not,” he roars. “Do yourself a favor and stay out of my shit. Go to school, enjoy your life, and leave me to mine.”
I swallow the pain that rises up in my chest at his words. “Are you seriously going to push me away?” I whisper. “Jesus, Rainer. I thought we meant more to each other . . .”
He steps into the room and storms past me, lifting his shirt and tossing it off. “We kissed a couple of times. It meant nothing.”
It’s as if someone has slapped me in the face. I thought it meant a whole lot more than nothing, even to him.
“You don’t mean that...”
He looks over his shoulder at me. “I do. You need to move on with your life.”
“Rainer,” I whisper. “You’re my friend.”
“Yeah, and shit has happened and my life isn’t the same anymore. You need to accept that. You don’t need to ruin yours. Now, can you leave? I’m busy.”
