I’ll never get over Rainer Torrence.
Not until the day I die.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
NOW – MALI
I press the cool ice to my eye and sigh as I find instant relief. It’s starting to bruise up now. I didn’t realize I had done so much damage falling. I mean, sure, it hurt but I didn’t know it was going to bruise up like this. It was worth it, though; that was the best sex I’ve ever had. Though since Rainer ran out after Pippa, I haven’t seen or heard from him.
It’s past midnight now, and my heart is a little broken. I want him to need me more than he needs her, but part of me is just realizing that’s not going to happen. I can’t hate him for loving her. I can’t hate her for caring about him, but she has a boyfriend she loves, and she made that choice, yet she’s not willing to give Rainer his choice. I don’t understand that, but then I don’t understand the bond they shared, so how can I judge?
“Hey,” Mimi says, stepping into my room, still in her work uniform.
“Hey Mimi.” I smile.
“What happened to your face?”
“Sex injury.”
Her eyes widen and then she giggles. “I don’t even want to know.”
“No, you probably don’t.”
“Where’s Rainer?”
I look away and she immediately comes over and sits beside me. “Honey?”
“Pippa got jealous and he ran out after her.”
“After he gave you a black eye?”
I scowl at her. “He didn’t, I did.”
“Still . . .”
I get her point, but I wave a hand anyway, trying to brush it off.
“They’re friends . . .”
“Honey,” she says gently.
“I don’t know what to do, Mimi.” I sigh, dropping my head. “How can I be angry at him when he’s been so honest with me?”
“You don’t need to be angry at him, but honey, you deserve more than being second best.”
“I love him.”
She sighs. “And you deserve to be loved back by him.”
“What am I supposed to do? Demand he chooses?”
She shrugs. “Maybe.”
“I can’t do that and you know it.”
“Why not?” she prompts. “Why can’t you ask him to choose? You’re not asking him to stop being her friend, but you deserve to be first in his eyes.”
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
“Look at me!” she demands and I lift my head, meeting her gaze. “Don’t let me see you doubting yourself, Emalie. You deserve to be first, and I understand that he can’t just switch off his feelings, but this is his issue, it isn’t yours. You need to lay down where you stand and let him decide what it is he wants to do about it.”
“I know.” I sigh. “But I just got him back, and the idea of losing him again scares me.”
“Maybe, but wouldn’t you rather lose him than to stick around wondering if you’re second?”
She’s right. I know she’s right.
And that just hurts more.
~*~*~*~
“Hey.”
I look up from the spot on my bed to see Rainer standing at my door. He’s wearing a pair of jeans and a hoodie; he looks dangerous and sexy. My heart aches and I honestly don’t know if I can just let him go. When I look at him, I know he’s in my heart, and I can’t just forget that. Even if he didn’t choose me, could I just walk away?
“Hey,” I whisper.
He walks in and holds up a bag of food, even though it’s the early hours of the morning. “You hungry?”
“Sure.”
He walks in and sits on the end of my bed, studying my face. He looks to my eye and his grow a little dark. “How’s your eye? It looks sore.”
I shrug. “I iced it. It’s fine.”
He puts the bag down and studies my face. “I should have done that. I’m sorry, kid.”
“You had other things to worry about.” I try not to let the pain shine through, but it’s there, and I can’t just switch it off.
“Yeah, but I should have looked after you, too.”
I shrug and stare at my hands. “How’s Pippa?”
“She’s okay.”
“Was it us that upset her?”
“Yeah,” he says, opening the bag. “I think she was jealous.”
“It’s not really her place to be jealous,” I say before thinking it through.
His head snaps up and he narrows his eyes. “What makes you think that?”
“She chose another man, Rainer. She sleeps with him all the time. It’s not really fair that she should be upset when it comes to you.”
He flinches, and I’m not sure if it’s because I said she sleeps with another man, or if I’ve offended him by talking about Pippa.
“Our relationship is complicated. You wouldn’t understand how it is.”
That hurts, so much I flinch. “No, you’re right, I wouldn’t. Listen, I’m tired. Can we do this another time?”
He looks up at me, confused. “Are my words offending you?”
“Yeah,” I say swinging my feet over the side of my bed. “You know what they are. I don’t understand your relationship with Pippa, and I won’t try and pretend to, but I do understand my relationship with you. I don’t like how you made me feel tonight, and I don’t like that she got jealous. Not because I dislike her, because I don’t, but because she made her choice and for whatever reason, you keep on hanging on.”
“You say those things because you don’t understand,” he grinds through his teeth.
“I know that!” I screech. “God, Rainer, I know I don’t understand, but you refuse to explain it to me so I’m left making my own assumptions.”
“I don’t know how to explain it,” he yells, throwing his hands up. “All I know is she understands me, she understands my pain and we have a bond. It’s hard to explain the kind of jealousy we feel. I don’t think I could ever fuck Pippa, but when it comes to the idea of another man doing it, I hate it. I’m possessive of her, because she was the only thing that kept me going. She’s the same with me. She loves Tyke, I know she does, but there’s something between us that’ll always be there.”
Tears run down my cheeks and I nod. “Okay.”
I turn and walk towards my bathroom.
“Jesus, Emalie . . .” he says, leaping up.
I turn to him. “Rainer, I love you, you know I love you, but right now I just need to process. Okay? I’m not angry at you. I’m grateful you told me in black and white terms how it is, but now you need to leave and let me be.”
“Emy . . .”
His voice is softer now, and it hurts.
“I’ll see you later.”
I step into the bathroom and close the door.
Then I slide down to my bottom and drop my head in my hands, before bursting into tears.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
THEN – RAINER
“Let me go!” I bellow, squirming and fighting as three guards drag me down a hall towards what I know will be a cold, dark room. “You fuckers let me go.”
Not until the day I die.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
NOW – MALI
I press the cool ice to my eye and sigh as I find instant relief. It’s starting to bruise up now. I didn’t realize I had done so much damage falling. I mean, sure, it hurt but I didn’t know it was going to bruise up like this. It was worth it, though; that was the best sex I’ve ever had. Though since Rainer ran out after Pippa, I haven’t seen or heard from him.
It’s past midnight now, and my heart is a little broken. I want him to need me more than he needs her, but part of me is just realizing that’s not going to happen. I can’t hate him for loving her. I can’t hate her for caring about him, but she has a boyfriend she loves, and she made that choice, yet she’s not willing to give Rainer his choice. I don’t understand that, but then I don’t understand the bond they shared, so how can I judge?
“Hey,” Mimi says, stepping into my room, still in her work uniform.
“Hey Mimi.” I smile.
“What happened to your face?”
“Sex injury.”
Her eyes widen and then she giggles. “I don’t even want to know.”
“No, you probably don’t.”
“Where’s Rainer?”
I look away and she immediately comes over and sits beside me. “Honey?”
“Pippa got jealous and he ran out after her.”
“After he gave you a black eye?”
I scowl at her. “He didn’t, I did.”
“Still . . .”
I get her point, but I wave a hand anyway, trying to brush it off.
“They’re friends . . .”
“Honey,” she says gently.
“I don’t know what to do, Mimi.” I sigh, dropping my head. “How can I be angry at him when he’s been so honest with me?”
“You don’t need to be angry at him, but honey, you deserve more than being second best.”
“I love him.”
She sighs. “And you deserve to be loved back by him.”
“What am I supposed to do? Demand he chooses?”
She shrugs. “Maybe.”
“I can’t do that and you know it.”
“Why not?” she prompts. “Why can’t you ask him to choose? You’re not asking him to stop being her friend, but you deserve to be first in his eyes.”
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
“Look at me!” she demands and I lift my head, meeting her gaze. “Don’t let me see you doubting yourself, Emalie. You deserve to be first, and I understand that he can’t just switch off his feelings, but this is his issue, it isn’t yours. You need to lay down where you stand and let him decide what it is he wants to do about it.”
“I know.” I sigh. “But I just got him back, and the idea of losing him again scares me.”
“Maybe, but wouldn’t you rather lose him than to stick around wondering if you’re second?”
She’s right. I know she’s right.
And that just hurts more.
~*~*~*~
“Hey.”
I look up from the spot on my bed to see Rainer standing at my door. He’s wearing a pair of jeans and a hoodie; he looks dangerous and sexy. My heart aches and I honestly don’t know if I can just let him go. When I look at him, I know he’s in my heart, and I can’t just forget that. Even if he didn’t choose me, could I just walk away?
“Hey,” I whisper.
He walks in and holds up a bag of food, even though it’s the early hours of the morning. “You hungry?”
“Sure.”
He walks in and sits on the end of my bed, studying my face. He looks to my eye and his grow a little dark. “How’s your eye? It looks sore.”
I shrug. “I iced it. It’s fine.”
He puts the bag down and studies my face. “I should have done that. I’m sorry, kid.”
“You had other things to worry about.” I try not to let the pain shine through, but it’s there, and I can’t just switch it off.
“Yeah, but I should have looked after you, too.”
I shrug and stare at my hands. “How’s Pippa?”
“She’s okay.”
“Was it us that upset her?”
“Yeah,” he says, opening the bag. “I think she was jealous.”
“It’s not really her place to be jealous,” I say before thinking it through.
His head snaps up and he narrows his eyes. “What makes you think that?”
“She chose another man, Rainer. She sleeps with him all the time. It’s not really fair that she should be upset when it comes to you.”
He flinches, and I’m not sure if it’s because I said she sleeps with another man, or if I’ve offended him by talking about Pippa.
“Our relationship is complicated. You wouldn’t understand how it is.”
That hurts, so much I flinch. “No, you’re right, I wouldn’t. Listen, I’m tired. Can we do this another time?”
He looks up at me, confused. “Are my words offending you?”
“Yeah,” I say swinging my feet over the side of my bed. “You know what they are. I don’t understand your relationship with Pippa, and I won’t try and pretend to, but I do understand my relationship with you. I don’t like how you made me feel tonight, and I don’t like that she got jealous. Not because I dislike her, because I don’t, but because she made her choice and for whatever reason, you keep on hanging on.”
“You say those things because you don’t understand,” he grinds through his teeth.
“I know that!” I screech. “God, Rainer, I know I don’t understand, but you refuse to explain it to me so I’m left making my own assumptions.”
“I don’t know how to explain it,” he yells, throwing his hands up. “All I know is she understands me, she understands my pain and we have a bond. It’s hard to explain the kind of jealousy we feel. I don’t think I could ever fuck Pippa, but when it comes to the idea of another man doing it, I hate it. I’m possessive of her, because she was the only thing that kept me going. She’s the same with me. She loves Tyke, I know she does, but there’s something between us that’ll always be there.”
Tears run down my cheeks and I nod. “Okay.”
I turn and walk towards my bathroom.
“Jesus, Emalie . . .” he says, leaping up.
I turn to him. “Rainer, I love you, you know I love you, but right now I just need to process. Okay? I’m not angry at you. I’m grateful you told me in black and white terms how it is, but now you need to leave and let me be.”
“Emy . . .”
His voice is softer now, and it hurts.
“I’ll see you later.”
I step into the bathroom and close the door.
Then I slide down to my bottom and drop my head in my hands, before bursting into tears.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
THEN – RAINER
“Let me go!” I bellow, squirming and fighting as three guards drag me down a hall towards what I know will be a cold, dark room. “You fuckers let me go.”
