“Feb –” Colt said but by then I was still looking over his shoulder, unfocused, unseeing, lost in my memories of a man dead because of me and memories of my life, all those memories dead too, also because of me.
“Liars, cheaters, beaters. Who needs that shit?” I asked the wall.
“Feb –” Colt repeated but I talked right over him.
“After Butch, I was done. Met a guy, name’s Reece, worked a bar I was at, a drifter like me. We kept in touch, even apart if we found we were close, we’d get together. He’d have women between times, not me, no one. Reece was safe, he made no promises and didn’t mind I held everything back, preferred it that way. We both had one thing to give and we both took it. He cut through the lonely every once in awhile, which was good because by the time we’d hook up, I’d need a break. He had a bike, would take me for rides,” I closed my eyes, felt my lips form a half smile and finished on a whisper, “God, those rides… only times I ever felt free ‘cause they were the only times I’d let me be me.”
“Feb.”
My eyes shot open because my name was said close and I saw why. Colt, glass gone, was standing right in front of me. He was looking at my face not in my eyes and I knew what he was seeing. I realized then I had started crying somewhere down the line, so lost in my stupid tale of woe, I didn’t even know when.
That didn’t matter either. Nothing mattered anymore.
“Denny wins,” I whispered, my head tilted back, my eyes on Colt’s and when I spoke his eyes came to mine. “He wanted every piece of me? He’s got it. The f**k of it is; I helped him along the way.”
Colt lifted his hand and slid his fingers to curl around the back of my neck.
“Baby –” he murmured.
I jerked away from his hand and stepped away, I couldn’t take his touch. Not again. The memory of it was too sweet, so sweet, it made my jaws lock. I turned, done sharing, I’d not share again. It hurt too much. I felt something close down inside of me as I took my first step to the door then, during the second one, it locked. Seemed strange I’d lock someplace that was empty inside me, nothing treasured to keep safe inside but I locked it all the same.
I didn’t get the third step in.
Colt’s arm hooked around my stomach and he hauled me back. I hit his body and his other arm came around me, holding strong, locking me close, no way to escape even if I fought it which I didn’t, I had nothing left in me.
His mouth was at my ear when he said, “Only way Denny could win is if we let him, baby.”
I shook my head and said, “Colt, let me go, we both know we should have never started this again. We both know.”
His arms grew tighter. “You walk away from me, you let him win.”
“He’s already won.”
“He hasn’t, Feb.”
“He has and I helped. I got five lives on my soul, six, you count whatever happened to your son. No turning back the clock, right?”
His tight arms gave me a shake. “You aren’t responsible for that, any of it.”
“No?”
I felt his head shake. He was so close, his stubble caught at my hair. “None of it.”
“I don’t agree and when I walked in here you felt the same way.”
One of his arms left my belly and came up to lock around my upper chest.
“I was pissed, baby.”
I nodded. “Sure, now you feel bad, my sad story, you’re over it. You get pissed next week, next month, then where will I be?”
“Feb –”
“Right back where I was ten minutes ago, Colt.” I pressed against his arms. “Let me go.”
“Feb –”
“That’s not a life I’m willin’ to lead.”
“Feb –” “Colt, let me go.”
He gave me another shake, this one was rougher almost a jerk and I knew he wanted my attention at the same time he was losing control. I stopped pressing and Colt started talking.
“Honey, I did that twenty-two years ago and doin’ it again would mean me leading a life I’m not willin’ to lead.” He let my chest go but used my waist to whirl me to face him, his hands locked on either side of my neck, keeping me where I was and he dipped his face close to mine so he was all I could see. “You wanna play the blame game?” he asked. “We’ll play.”
This was said in a voice firm as steel and I braced because I’d heard that voice before. He talked to Susie like that except this time there was no ugly, just hard.
Colt kept talking. “You walked away and I was such a jackass, I let you go. The hurt happened on both sides and we both acted stupid and gave into it. I knew I didn’t do anything wrong but how hard did I try to convince you of that? You weren’t who all those guys said you were bein’, I knew it and I still believed it because I had to believe that new Feb was the one who broke up with me. We were both young, we were both stupid and we were both f**ked over and we didn’t know it.” His fingers gave me a squeeze. “Now we know we’re bein’ fucked over and we let him do it again, we let him f**k us, we let him tear us apart, that’s when we really let him win.”
“Colt –”
“Only thing he wants is you,” Colt said. “Maybe only thing he ever wanted in this world. You give yourself to me, he can’t have it.” His hands gave me another squeeze. “Like it right now or not, Feb, coupla days ago, you gave yourself back to me. You think I’m lettin’ that go, think again because, baby, you’re f**king wrong.”
“Colt –”
“Hear me?”
“Colt –”
Another finger squeeze. “February, do you hear me?”
The tears came back, I felt them this time, pooling in my eyes and sliding down my cheeks with that sinister little tickle they always left in their wake.
I didn’t touch him, get closer, nothing, just looked in his eyes when I gave him the only thing I had left to give.
“Got a place inside me,” I whispered, “back then, way back then, I held it to me, don’t know why, maybe because I thought you were holding something back from me, but I never let you in.”
He dropped his forehead to mine and closed his eyes. “Honey –”
“You got in, Colt,” I said and watched, super close, as his eyes opened and his hands tightened on my neck, no squeeze this time, they stayed tight and I could feel the pad of every finger pressing into my skin. “Few days ago, you got in. I didn’t let you in, you just got in.” Finally I lifted my hands to his chest and bunched his shirt in my fingers. “I wanna lock you there,” I whispered, scared to death but sharing it all, hiding nothing, giving him everything, fighting the hitch in my voice that my tears were threatening. “Lock you up tight inside me, babe, and never let you out.”
“Liars, cheaters, beaters. Who needs that shit?” I asked the wall.
“Feb –” Colt repeated but I talked right over him.
“After Butch, I was done. Met a guy, name’s Reece, worked a bar I was at, a drifter like me. We kept in touch, even apart if we found we were close, we’d get together. He’d have women between times, not me, no one. Reece was safe, he made no promises and didn’t mind I held everything back, preferred it that way. We both had one thing to give and we both took it. He cut through the lonely every once in awhile, which was good because by the time we’d hook up, I’d need a break. He had a bike, would take me for rides,” I closed my eyes, felt my lips form a half smile and finished on a whisper, “God, those rides… only times I ever felt free ‘cause they were the only times I’d let me be me.”
“Feb.”
My eyes shot open because my name was said close and I saw why. Colt, glass gone, was standing right in front of me. He was looking at my face not in my eyes and I knew what he was seeing. I realized then I had started crying somewhere down the line, so lost in my stupid tale of woe, I didn’t even know when.
That didn’t matter either. Nothing mattered anymore.
“Denny wins,” I whispered, my head tilted back, my eyes on Colt’s and when I spoke his eyes came to mine. “He wanted every piece of me? He’s got it. The f**k of it is; I helped him along the way.”
Colt lifted his hand and slid his fingers to curl around the back of my neck.
“Baby –” he murmured.
I jerked away from his hand and stepped away, I couldn’t take his touch. Not again. The memory of it was too sweet, so sweet, it made my jaws lock. I turned, done sharing, I’d not share again. It hurt too much. I felt something close down inside of me as I took my first step to the door then, during the second one, it locked. Seemed strange I’d lock someplace that was empty inside me, nothing treasured to keep safe inside but I locked it all the same.
I didn’t get the third step in.
Colt’s arm hooked around my stomach and he hauled me back. I hit his body and his other arm came around me, holding strong, locking me close, no way to escape even if I fought it which I didn’t, I had nothing left in me.
His mouth was at my ear when he said, “Only way Denny could win is if we let him, baby.”
I shook my head and said, “Colt, let me go, we both know we should have never started this again. We both know.”
His arms grew tighter. “You walk away from me, you let him win.”
“He’s already won.”
“He hasn’t, Feb.”
“He has and I helped. I got five lives on my soul, six, you count whatever happened to your son. No turning back the clock, right?”
His tight arms gave me a shake. “You aren’t responsible for that, any of it.”
“No?”
I felt his head shake. He was so close, his stubble caught at my hair. “None of it.”
“I don’t agree and when I walked in here you felt the same way.”
One of his arms left my belly and came up to lock around my upper chest.
“I was pissed, baby.”
I nodded. “Sure, now you feel bad, my sad story, you’re over it. You get pissed next week, next month, then where will I be?”
“Feb –”
“Right back where I was ten minutes ago, Colt.” I pressed against his arms. “Let me go.”
“Feb –”
“That’s not a life I’m willin’ to lead.”
“Feb –” “Colt, let me go.”
He gave me another shake, this one was rougher almost a jerk and I knew he wanted my attention at the same time he was losing control. I stopped pressing and Colt started talking.
“Honey, I did that twenty-two years ago and doin’ it again would mean me leading a life I’m not willin’ to lead.” He let my chest go but used my waist to whirl me to face him, his hands locked on either side of my neck, keeping me where I was and he dipped his face close to mine so he was all I could see. “You wanna play the blame game?” he asked. “We’ll play.”
This was said in a voice firm as steel and I braced because I’d heard that voice before. He talked to Susie like that except this time there was no ugly, just hard.
Colt kept talking. “You walked away and I was such a jackass, I let you go. The hurt happened on both sides and we both acted stupid and gave into it. I knew I didn’t do anything wrong but how hard did I try to convince you of that? You weren’t who all those guys said you were bein’, I knew it and I still believed it because I had to believe that new Feb was the one who broke up with me. We were both young, we were both stupid and we were both f**ked over and we didn’t know it.” His fingers gave me a squeeze. “Now we know we’re bein’ fucked over and we let him do it again, we let him f**k us, we let him tear us apart, that’s when we really let him win.”
“Colt –”
“Only thing he wants is you,” Colt said. “Maybe only thing he ever wanted in this world. You give yourself to me, he can’t have it.” His hands gave me another squeeze. “Like it right now or not, Feb, coupla days ago, you gave yourself back to me. You think I’m lettin’ that go, think again because, baby, you’re f**king wrong.”
“Colt –”
“Hear me?”
“Colt –”
Another finger squeeze. “February, do you hear me?”
The tears came back, I felt them this time, pooling in my eyes and sliding down my cheeks with that sinister little tickle they always left in their wake.
I didn’t touch him, get closer, nothing, just looked in his eyes when I gave him the only thing I had left to give.
“Got a place inside me,” I whispered, “back then, way back then, I held it to me, don’t know why, maybe because I thought you were holding something back from me, but I never let you in.”
He dropped his forehead to mine and closed his eyes. “Honey –”
“You got in, Colt,” I said and watched, super close, as his eyes opened and his hands tightened on my neck, no squeeze this time, they stayed tight and I could feel the pad of every finger pressing into my skin. “Few days ago, you got in. I didn’t let you in, you just got in.” Finally I lifted my hands to his chest and bunched his shirt in my fingers. “I wanna lock you there,” I whispered, scared to death but sharing it all, hiding nothing, giving him everything, fighting the hitch in my voice that my tears were threatening. “Lock you up tight inside me, babe, and never let you out.”
