Four Letter Word
Page 91

“What could I have said?” he asked tensely, his voice growing louder. “Tell me. What the fuck could I have said to you? Why would I sell out?”
“You could’ve told me the truth!” I screamed. “But you didn’t! You didn’t tell me anything! You kept everything from me!”
“I was trying to protect you!”
“Well, you didn’t, did you? You didn’t protect me! You hurt me worse than anyone ever has!”
He sucked in a breath, then stepped closer, reaching out.
I stepped back.
“No,” I said, my hand raised between us. “You kept everything from me, Brian. You had plenty of time to tell me the truth but you didn’t.”
“I was planning on telling you. I was just waiting for the right time. I needed you to understand …”
“Stop,” I interrupted. “I don’t wanna hear your excuses. They don’t matter.”
He looked away briefly, then met my eyes again. “I’ll fix it,” he rasped. He sounded desperate. “Let me fix it. You know everything now, Wild. Everything.”
“Don’t call me that,” I whispered through my tears, then somehow with a softer voice added, “You lied to me.”
His chin jerked back, then his jaw got hard.
“Never lied to you,” he repeated gently but with eyes that were burning right through me. “Never touched another girl after you gave me that night on the phone. Kept things from you and did that because I thought that was the right move. Didn’t want you getting hurt and would’ve done anything, know this, Syd, would’ve done fuckin’ anything to keep that from happening. Can’t stand the thought of you hurting. From the beginning, couldn’t stand it. Thought about finding that ex of yours and killing that motherfucker more times than I could count. You did me in that night you called me. Lit my fucking world up. Had shit in my life, nothing but shit, then I got you, and fuck, baby, you gave me so much good.” He smiled a little, then lost it to continue on, “So much good, and I didn’t deserve any of it but you gave it. Got dick back but that didn’t stop you. Gave me that good and I took it. I was selfish, I know I was. I couldn’t risk losing you. And I’d apologize if I was sorry for getting your heart but I can’t be sorry for that.” He shook his head as tears filled his eyes again. “I’m trying. Right now, looking at you, I’m trying, Syd. I can be sorry for a lot of things and I am, I regret a lot of shit, but getting you? Fuck that. I’m not sorry. I’m in love with you. I’ll die being in love with you.”
Oh, God.
I cried with my hand to my mouth. My body was throbbing and my eyes were burning.
I wanted so badly to hold him. There was something wrong with me.
And Brian wasn’t finished.
“I fucked up,” he whispered, tears falling down his face. “I fucked up by not telling you that first night I had you in my arms. That I am sorry for. Not giving you what you deserved knowing, keeping shit from you, you finding out the way you did, for the rest of my life I’ll feel this. I deserve to feel it.” He wiped at his face. “Just tell me, Syd, tell me I’m gonna feel it with you next to me because I can’t—”
“Brian,” I cut him off, shaking my head.
He was asking something of me I couldn’t guarantee. Even after listening to his explanation and hearing all he’d just said, even with my heart still reaching for him, I couldn’t guarantee something I wasn’t sure of.
Brian closed his eyes, opened them, and then begged, “Please, Wild. Don’t leave me. It’s over. All of that shit is over—”
“It’s not over,” I interrupted him. “It’s not. Those videos are still out there. Anyone can see them. My mom. Your family. Years from now …” I paused through a sob, the reason behind my pain coming to light and Brian getting it.
He knew what I meant. I saw in the way the saddest boy on earth grew sadder, his body going still and pain sinking in his features.
I didn’t have to say it but I did. I needed him to hear this from me.
“Years from now,” I continued, still crying, “kids will search for anything on the Internet. Being curious, they could search for you, and that website will take them right to those videos, and what would you say? What could you say? They’d see their daddy with somebody else. How could you fix that?” He opened his mouth to speak but I kept going. “Or me?” I asked, breaking into tears again. “I watched three of those videos before I got sick. I saw everything you did with those women. How are you gonna fix that?”
“I will,” he promised, stepping closer.
“You can’t,” I returned, and he froze. “You can’t fix this, Brian.”
“Wild—”
“You remember what you said to me the first time you called? You said if I didn’t want to speak to you anymore, you’d disappear. You’d leave me alone.”
Brian shook his head.
“Don’t,” he urged.
“I’m asking that of you right now,” I told him, trying to sound firm and resolute in my request but finding that to be a difficult task with a voice that wouldn’t stop quaking and a heart that didn’t want me to speak. I powered through the best I could. “I’m packing my stuff and I’m going to Tori’s, and I am asking you to leave me be. Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Don’t follow me. Don’t come there. Leave me alone.”
“I can’t do that.”
“You’ll do it, or you’ll never see me again,” I promised.
Brian flinched.
He killed me. Now I was killing him.
“I need time to think,” I said, sniffing and looking around the room. “I might need a lot of time, and I need to do that without looking at you. If I want to talk to you, I’ll reach out. If I don’t …” My voice trailed off.
Sir entered the room from the kitchen carrying his rope toy in his mouth.
God …I was gonna have to leave him, too.
“I’m gonna fix this,” Brian assured me once more, turning my head. “I will fix this.”
I could’ve said something back. So many words danced on my tongue as I stood there staring at the boy who built my heart up just to break it.
You won’t.
You can’t.
I hope you do.
God, please fix this.
Instead, I left him standing there and went to the bedroom, packed all the things I could fit into one duffle bag, slung it over my shoulder, and walked to the front door.
Sir met me there.
Brian hadn’t moved from his spot.
I bent down and loved on my puppy for a minute, whispering to him and scratching underneath his neck the way he liked.
When I was finished, I turned and looked right into Brian’s eyes. Then I said good-bye.
If it was our last good-bye, I wanted it to be one worth remembering. I wanted to see him.
He didn’t say it back.
I opened the door, stepped outside onto the porch, fought back tears, and didn’t let them fall until I got back to Tori’s, back into my old bed, and wrapped in the same sheets that held me while I was falling in love with a boy.