I mentally kicked myself. I should have known that, protective as he was, he’d find some way to blame himself. “It all happened so fast, there was nothing you could have done.”
“The reason I didn’t freak out about you being on assignments in the past was that I was there with you; I was confident I could protect you.” A cynical, self-mocking smile surfaced on his face. “At the castle, I didn’t. Intellectually, I know it’s not my fault that you were hurt, and I know it’s pointless to feel guilty about it. I also know that I can’t lock you away where you’ll be safe, and that you’d be miserable if I tried.”
“So why get so wound up about this?”
“You don’t get it, Imani. A year. I was without you for almost a year. Just when I thought I had you back, I felt you slipping away. You don’t know how many times your heartrate slowed down during the transition. You don’t know how many times you passed out, so weak I didn’t think you’d wake up.”
His eyes glittered with an emotion I would never have associated with Butch. Fear. “It scared you.”
“Hell yes, it scared me.”
While that softened the blow of what he’d done, it didn’t make it okay. He had to understand that or he’d do it over and over. “That isn’t an excuse. I don’t expect you to always agree with my choices, but I expect you to respect my right to make them. Dictating to me, talking down to me like I don’t know myself, was not at all cool, Butch. If I had behaved that way toward you, if I’d showed you that kind of disrespect, you’d be just as pissed as I am now.”
He raked a hand through his hair. “I’m not good at this.” He looked so lost.
“Yeah, I already figured that out.” Although I was still mad, I knew I’d have to back down a little. Sam had told me he’d need the room to make mistakes; she’d warned me he’d be a difficult partner. I’d taken the risk, and that meant I had to make some allowances. “I understand that you want me safe. I’m glad that you care. But that doesn’t mean I’ll always bow to your wishes. That’s not how it works.”
He moved to me and brushed his thumb along my cheekbone. “I do respect you. I’m sorry if I made you feel like I didn’t.”
I gave a curt nod. “Okay.”
“I hate it when we argue.”
We’d only had two very minor arguments before now. “It’s going to happen sometimes. You’re an alpha, which makes you pushy and domineering. Neither of those things are much fun for me, even though I know you interfere because you’re trying to smooth the way for me and make my life better. I’m stubborn and independent, which means I’ll keep pushing back.”
He rubbed his nose against mine. “I warned you that I’m not good for people.”
Not liking that comment at all, I said, “That’s bullshit. We both have strong personalities so we’ll clash from time to time. That doesn’t mean you’re not good for me, or vice versa. Being dominant and decisive isn’t bad. You’re also very protective and supportive, which I appreciate. Tonight, though, you were too protective and too big, bad alpha.”
He sighed. “Okay. I’ll work on it. But we’re good now?”
“We’re good.”
His arms locked around me and he pressed a gentle, apologetic kiss on my mouth. “Seeing those bruises on your face makes me want to punch something. Sam wouldn’t have hit you that hard if she’d known you’d bruise. Baby, about what you did to her—”
“Let’s not talk about it. It doesn’t matter.”
“Imani, you called blood to you. That kind of matters.”
“I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
He rubbed my back. “Can’t say I blame you for being freaked out.” He pressed a gentle kiss to my temple. “Okay, I’ll drop it.”
I released a heavy breath. “I need a shower.”
“Come on.” He led me to the bathroom.
“I can shower myself.”
“Of course you can. But I want to take care of you. Don’t fight me on it. I need it.”
Sighing, I allowed him to take care of me—massaging my head, shoulders, and arms until all my tension had left me and I was close to boneless.
As he dabbed me dry with a towel, I asked, “What were your other two relationships like?”
He paused. “You sure you want to hear about my past?”
“I want to understand what makes you think you’re not good for people.” That dumb idea had to have come from somewhere.
His hands resumed drying me off. “There was a girl I dated in high school. Back then, I was thinking with my dick more than anything else, so I didn’t see that she was trying to lead me around by it. Kylie didn’t want me to enlist, but I’d made up my mind. She said she’d wait for me. She wrote to me a lot while I was away, always included all kinds of soppy declarations. When I got back, it was to find that she’d moved in with another guy.”
I gaped. “She was living with someone else?”
“In the letters, she hadn’t given me even a hint of this. She’d been seeing him since a month after I left. She hadn’t told me, because she’d wanted to enjoy my shock; she’d wanted to punish me for leaving her.”
I rubbed his chest. “Butch, that wasn’t your fault or—”
“This is just the background, baby. That wasn’t one of the relationships I was talking about.” He sighed. “I didn’t like that she’d played me or that she’d cheated, but after being in a fucking war zone…the whole thing just seemed trivial. And considering she was a little wacked, I was glad to see the back of her. So instead of losing my shit, I walked away. I wasn’t interested in a girl who played games. But Kylie didn’t like that.”
I’d bet she didn’t.
“Maybe she’d expected me to fight for her or something. I know her parents were divorced and they spent most of her life in and out of court, fighting for custody and changes to the court agreement. Maybe that had messed her up. All I know is, she then decided to make my life hell.”
“I hate her already.” I kissed his chest. “Tell me the rest.”
“Any time I was with a girl for more than a night, Kylie would try to chase them away. Most of the time, it worked. If it didn’t, Kylie would step up her game.”
“The reason I didn’t freak out about you being on assignments in the past was that I was there with you; I was confident I could protect you.” A cynical, self-mocking smile surfaced on his face. “At the castle, I didn’t. Intellectually, I know it’s not my fault that you were hurt, and I know it’s pointless to feel guilty about it. I also know that I can’t lock you away where you’ll be safe, and that you’d be miserable if I tried.”
“So why get so wound up about this?”
“You don’t get it, Imani. A year. I was without you for almost a year. Just when I thought I had you back, I felt you slipping away. You don’t know how many times your heartrate slowed down during the transition. You don’t know how many times you passed out, so weak I didn’t think you’d wake up.”
His eyes glittered with an emotion I would never have associated with Butch. Fear. “It scared you.”
“Hell yes, it scared me.”
While that softened the blow of what he’d done, it didn’t make it okay. He had to understand that or he’d do it over and over. “That isn’t an excuse. I don’t expect you to always agree with my choices, but I expect you to respect my right to make them. Dictating to me, talking down to me like I don’t know myself, was not at all cool, Butch. If I had behaved that way toward you, if I’d showed you that kind of disrespect, you’d be just as pissed as I am now.”
He raked a hand through his hair. “I’m not good at this.” He looked so lost.
“Yeah, I already figured that out.” Although I was still mad, I knew I’d have to back down a little. Sam had told me he’d need the room to make mistakes; she’d warned me he’d be a difficult partner. I’d taken the risk, and that meant I had to make some allowances. “I understand that you want me safe. I’m glad that you care. But that doesn’t mean I’ll always bow to your wishes. That’s not how it works.”
He moved to me and brushed his thumb along my cheekbone. “I do respect you. I’m sorry if I made you feel like I didn’t.”
I gave a curt nod. “Okay.”
“I hate it when we argue.”
We’d only had two very minor arguments before now. “It’s going to happen sometimes. You’re an alpha, which makes you pushy and domineering. Neither of those things are much fun for me, even though I know you interfere because you’re trying to smooth the way for me and make my life better. I’m stubborn and independent, which means I’ll keep pushing back.”
He rubbed his nose against mine. “I warned you that I’m not good for people.”
Not liking that comment at all, I said, “That’s bullshit. We both have strong personalities so we’ll clash from time to time. That doesn’t mean you’re not good for me, or vice versa. Being dominant and decisive isn’t bad. You’re also very protective and supportive, which I appreciate. Tonight, though, you were too protective and too big, bad alpha.”
He sighed. “Okay. I’ll work on it. But we’re good now?”
“We’re good.”
His arms locked around me and he pressed a gentle, apologetic kiss on my mouth. “Seeing those bruises on your face makes me want to punch something. Sam wouldn’t have hit you that hard if she’d known you’d bruise. Baby, about what you did to her—”
“Let’s not talk about it. It doesn’t matter.”
“Imani, you called blood to you. That kind of matters.”
“I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
He rubbed my back. “Can’t say I blame you for being freaked out.” He pressed a gentle kiss to my temple. “Okay, I’ll drop it.”
I released a heavy breath. “I need a shower.”
“Come on.” He led me to the bathroom.
“I can shower myself.”
“Of course you can. But I want to take care of you. Don’t fight me on it. I need it.”
Sighing, I allowed him to take care of me—massaging my head, shoulders, and arms until all my tension had left me and I was close to boneless.
As he dabbed me dry with a towel, I asked, “What were your other two relationships like?”
He paused. “You sure you want to hear about my past?”
“I want to understand what makes you think you’re not good for people.” That dumb idea had to have come from somewhere.
His hands resumed drying me off. “There was a girl I dated in high school. Back then, I was thinking with my dick more than anything else, so I didn’t see that she was trying to lead me around by it. Kylie didn’t want me to enlist, but I’d made up my mind. She said she’d wait for me. She wrote to me a lot while I was away, always included all kinds of soppy declarations. When I got back, it was to find that she’d moved in with another guy.”
I gaped. “She was living with someone else?”
“In the letters, she hadn’t given me even a hint of this. She’d been seeing him since a month after I left. She hadn’t told me, because she’d wanted to enjoy my shock; she’d wanted to punish me for leaving her.”
I rubbed his chest. “Butch, that wasn’t your fault or—”
“This is just the background, baby. That wasn’t one of the relationships I was talking about.” He sighed. “I didn’t like that she’d played me or that she’d cheated, but after being in a fucking war zone…the whole thing just seemed trivial. And considering she was a little wacked, I was glad to see the back of her. So instead of losing my shit, I walked away. I wasn’t interested in a girl who played games. But Kylie didn’t like that.”
I’d bet she didn’t.
“Maybe she’d expected me to fight for her or something. I know her parents were divorced and they spent most of her life in and out of court, fighting for custody and changes to the court agreement. Maybe that had messed her up. All I know is, she then decided to make my life hell.”
“I hate her already.” I kissed his chest. “Tell me the rest.”
“Any time I was with a girl for more than a night, Kylie would try to chase them away. Most of the time, it worked. If it didn’t, Kylie would step up her game.”
