I’ve been sober three months now; it may not seem like much, but it is for me. Since your father passed, I hadn’t gone longer than ten hours without drinking myself back to sleep. In these three months, I’ve finally realized everything that’s happened over the last thirteen years, and that’s why I’m writing this letter now. You, my sweet Cassidy Ann, are so strong. What child, what adult even, stands back up without a tear coming out of their eyes after being beaten down, just so the other parent can take their turn? We ruined you, we tried to break you, and gosh, sweet girl, I hope we didn’t. You deserve the best of everything. You deserve a husband who loves you, cherishes you, and treats you like the princess your father always said you were. You deserve kids who love you, and give you laughs, tears, as well as moments that make you want to pull out your hair. You deserve it all. I’ve prayed to God every day for the last three months that you’ll get that, and that you’ll know you deserve that, and I will pray it until my last breath.
Like I said, sweet girl, you are so strong, I am not. I can’t handle what I’ve done to you, and I can’t handle what Jeff’s begun doing to me now that I’m sober. It doesn’t compare to what you went through, but I still can’t take it. I don’t know how to begin to make anything up to you, actually . . . I know there isn’t a way. But I need to do this, for you and for me. If you’re reading this you’ve already been given the money; I hope it helps you get started in life. I left Jeff the house and car for a reason; I’m sure by now you’re understanding that as well. If not, please read this next part carefully and try to understand. I can’t live with this guilt, sweetheart, and I couldn’t die knowing Jeff would move on to do this to someone else. But know this: I love you, I swear I do. I’m so sorry for everything, my darling girl!
I’ve been spending a lot of time in your room the last few months, just staring at your wall. Your father wasn’t the only one passionate about the phoenix. Everything it symbolizes fascinates me. Being given the chance to be reborn and start its life anew from its own ashes . . . who can say that they’ve had that opportunity? Through these ashes, I pray you’re able to find peace, knowing that your nightmare is now over. I can’t give you a new life, but this is your chance to start your life however you want it to be, sweet Cassidy, without Jeff or I tainting it. You’re beautiful, and you have a bright light that just bursts from you. Your smile can light up a room; your father and I always said that, and it’s true. Go shine your light on the world, sweet Cassidy.
I’ll love you forever and always,
Mom
I read the letter two more times and finally folded it up, put it back in the envelope, and safely tucked it away in my purse when I could no longer see the words. She’d killed herself. Killed them. For her? For me? She left the house and car to Jeff because she knew all three of those would be destroyed in the fire. How did she do this without Jeff trying to get out? They’d been badly burned, but the coroner was certain their deaths were due to the smoke and fire, nothing else. No way he wouldn’t have fought to get out. And she just lay there and let herself be burned alive? My entire body shivered with a sickening chill. I didn’t understand how someone could be so miserable that they would want to end their life, and to willingly be burned alive? I couldn’t begin to comprehend it.
A sob burst through my chest and I covered my face with both hands. The mom in that letter hadn’t existed for me for so long, I had never expected to see or hear from her again. And even though I hated her for what she did, I hated it even more that she’d been sober nine months and had to go through it alone. At least I’d had Tyler; my mom had no one.
Another twenty minutes passed before I checked to make sure I didn’t look like a wreck and walked into the cozy coffee shop so I could allow myself to get lost in a book. Or at least attempt to look like I was. I really just needed someplace where no one was trying to bother me so that I could think about Gage.
I was one person back in line when a somewhat familiar voice called out.
“Cassidy?”
Looking to my right and then to my left, my eyes skimmed across the unfamiliar faces in the shop. As my eyes made their journey back to the front I saw a pair of uncertain pale blue eyes looking at me.
I started. “Oh my God, Detective Green?” I’d just seen him a week and a half ago, but he’d been in a suit and looked all badass and older then. Now he just looked like a normal guy in a coffee shop. Looking at him now, the sense of recognition hit full force and I struggled to remember how I knew him. He had on a blue henley shirt that did amazing things for his eyes and a pair of worn jeans that fit him perfectly. In other words . . . he looked good. Too good. My stomach fluttered, and though it took some effort, I was able to stop chewing on my bottom lip when I realized he was studying me intently.
He smiled crookedly. “Unless you want me to call you Miss Jameson, you can call me Connor.”
Connor Green. Even his name was attractive. I watched as he ran a hand through his hair, making it stick up like he’d just rolled out of bed. God, I needed to look anywhere else but at him right now. “Please, just Cassidy . . . or some variation of that.”
“All right.” He chuckled. “Cassidy it is. Let me buy you a drink,” he said as he set his cup on the counter and reached for his wallet in his back pocket.
“Oh no, that’s not necessary.” I gave the lady at the counter my order and reached into my bag.
Like I said, sweet girl, you are so strong, I am not. I can’t handle what I’ve done to you, and I can’t handle what Jeff’s begun doing to me now that I’m sober. It doesn’t compare to what you went through, but I still can’t take it. I don’t know how to begin to make anything up to you, actually . . . I know there isn’t a way. But I need to do this, for you and for me. If you’re reading this you’ve already been given the money; I hope it helps you get started in life. I left Jeff the house and car for a reason; I’m sure by now you’re understanding that as well. If not, please read this next part carefully and try to understand. I can’t live with this guilt, sweetheart, and I couldn’t die knowing Jeff would move on to do this to someone else. But know this: I love you, I swear I do. I’m so sorry for everything, my darling girl!
I’ve been spending a lot of time in your room the last few months, just staring at your wall. Your father wasn’t the only one passionate about the phoenix. Everything it symbolizes fascinates me. Being given the chance to be reborn and start its life anew from its own ashes . . . who can say that they’ve had that opportunity? Through these ashes, I pray you’re able to find peace, knowing that your nightmare is now over. I can’t give you a new life, but this is your chance to start your life however you want it to be, sweet Cassidy, without Jeff or I tainting it. You’re beautiful, and you have a bright light that just bursts from you. Your smile can light up a room; your father and I always said that, and it’s true. Go shine your light on the world, sweet Cassidy.
I’ll love you forever and always,
Mom
I read the letter two more times and finally folded it up, put it back in the envelope, and safely tucked it away in my purse when I could no longer see the words. She’d killed herself. Killed them. For her? For me? She left the house and car to Jeff because she knew all three of those would be destroyed in the fire. How did she do this without Jeff trying to get out? They’d been badly burned, but the coroner was certain their deaths were due to the smoke and fire, nothing else. No way he wouldn’t have fought to get out. And she just lay there and let herself be burned alive? My entire body shivered with a sickening chill. I didn’t understand how someone could be so miserable that they would want to end their life, and to willingly be burned alive? I couldn’t begin to comprehend it.
A sob burst through my chest and I covered my face with both hands. The mom in that letter hadn’t existed for me for so long, I had never expected to see or hear from her again. And even though I hated her for what she did, I hated it even more that she’d been sober nine months and had to go through it alone. At least I’d had Tyler; my mom had no one.
Another twenty minutes passed before I checked to make sure I didn’t look like a wreck and walked into the cozy coffee shop so I could allow myself to get lost in a book. Or at least attempt to look like I was. I really just needed someplace where no one was trying to bother me so that I could think about Gage.
I was one person back in line when a somewhat familiar voice called out.
“Cassidy?”
Looking to my right and then to my left, my eyes skimmed across the unfamiliar faces in the shop. As my eyes made their journey back to the front I saw a pair of uncertain pale blue eyes looking at me.
I started. “Oh my God, Detective Green?” I’d just seen him a week and a half ago, but he’d been in a suit and looked all badass and older then. Now he just looked like a normal guy in a coffee shop. Looking at him now, the sense of recognition hit full force and I struggled to remember how I knew him. He had on a blue henley shirt that did amazing things for his eyes and a pair of worn jeans that fit him perfectly. In other words . . . he looked good. Too good. My stomach fluttered, and though it took some effort, I was able to stop chewing on my bottom lip when I realized he was studying me intently.
He smiled crookedly. “Unless you want me to call you Miss Jameson, you can call me Connor.”
Connor Green. Even his name was attractive. I watched as he ran a hand through his hair, making it stick up like he’d just rolled out of bed. God, I needed to look anywhere else but at him right now. “Please, just Cassidy . . . or some variation of that.”
“All right.” He chuckled. “Cassidy it is. Let me buy you a drink,” he said as he set his cup on the counter and reached for his wallet in his back pocket.
“Oh no, that’s not necessary.” I gave the lady at the counter my order and reached into my bag.
