A few hours later, Jaxxon was stood staring at a huge designer store that Anna guided her to. “I am so not going in there.” It was like another world. One filled with blazers and blouses and pencil skirts. Jaxxon knew she didn’t belong in there. Even from outside it was obvious to her that the clothes were all…what was the right word? Sophisticated? Yes, sophisticated. And prim. And posh. All of which Jaxxon equated with boring. What’s more, she could never pull off sophisticated. If she was, by some miracle, going to find a dress that fit the occasion without making her look like something she wasn’t, then she was not going to it there.
“Oh come on,” urged Anna. “I know you don’t like getting dolled up but it’s a massive event. It’s going to be chock-a-block with celebs. We need to find something suitable.”
“It doesn’t mean we have to go there looking like the Prime Minister’s wife.” A tingling sensation very suddenly scuttled down her spine; her inward warning system, developed after years of having to watch your back, alerting her that someone was watching her. Probably paparazzi, she told herself. But this felt different. It felt wrong. A quick glance around revealed nothing alarming.
Anna nodded. “Alright, let’s try somewhere else.” Jaxxon had never been able to afford shopping sprees so didn’t know the magic of retail therapy and Anna was determined to introduce her to it, though she expected it might take a few goes before Jaxxon was comfortable with the whole thing. She tended to get a little claustrophobic when there were a lot of people around her.
Jaxxon vetoed four more stores but, for some reason, had a good feeling about the fifth. So now for the next part. Go inside. Pick something. Try it on. Pay. Then get the hell out.
One chirpy, overly-attentive assistant quickly became six, and then both Jaxxon and Anna were ushered into a private room where the assistants proceeded to bring in various dresses in various styles by various ‘top designers’. Jaxxon glared hard at Anna. Places like these serve models and celebs all the time, she says, there’ll be no fuss, she says. Anna was going to get her little shimmy kicked so badly.
The assistants kept using terms like ‘looks perfect with your skin tone’, ‘brings out your eye colour’, ‘highlights your curves’. Soon Jaxxon was feeling overwhelmed. The idea of getting into her beloved car had never sounded better. But going home empty handed wasn’t an option. Determined to not have to go to another store to endure this again, Jaxxon resolved that she would choose something from this collection if it killed her.
She tried on a few dresses. The first made her look like a porcelain doll. The second made her look stuck up her own arse. The third made her look like a posh prostitute. But the fourth…It was an ice-blue, silk, halter-neck that was elegant yet stylish and clung to her like a second skin. According to the happy assistants, the skin-clinging part was vital. Whatever. It fit, it was a nice colour, and she didn’t look slutty but had avoided looking all prissy. That was good enough for her. The price was more than she had anticipated but she would overlook that; she needed to get out of this sodding shop and breathe.
The good Lord had obviously been looking down on her because Anna also selected something from this store, though Jaxxon suspected this was mostly because Anna had gotten caught up in the whirlwind of attention. The dress she finally settled on was a short, black number that complimented her long legs.
It was later as they were tackling the pizza they’d had delivered to Jaxxon’s apartment – she had managed to convince Anna that indulging occasionally was good for the soul – that she relayed to Anna the rumours about her and Matt. Amazing how a five minute conversation with a bloke in a bar had been turned into a wild weekend.
“You know, I’m proper surprised that anyone would even print that, let alone believe it,” declared Anna. “I mean come on you’d eat him alive. The idea of you as a couple is just totally unrealistic. Same with Bruno; the man might be built to pleasure but he’s a walking talking teddy bear, he doesn’t suit you. No, what you need is a man-man.” Her face suddenly took on a faraway quality as she got caught up in her thoughts.
“A man-man?”
“Yeah, you know, someone who won’t quiver before you.”
“But who I can still boss around,” she quickly insisted.
“Someone who won’t back down once you get started on one of your disputes.”
“But who will accept that, ultimately, I will win all arguments.”
“And we’ll throw in a healthy sex drive for good measure. Someone intense. I just can’t see you being satisfied with slow and gentle.”
The sound of her mobile phone ringing broke them out of their ‘Jaxxon’s Man-Man’ design. Tired and bloated, Jaxxon huffed with the effort of going to grab her phone. The screen said ‘Withheld Number’. “Hello.” Nothing on the other end. “Hello.” Still nothing. Jaxxon scowled at the phone then ended the call.
“Something up with the signal?” asked Anna from the dining table.
“I’ve got five bars.” The phone in her hand started to ring again. “Hello.” Again there was nothing. “Must be the signal of whoever’s on the other end.” She ended the call, slung the phone on the coffee table and then returned to the table. No sooner had she sat down than the landline phone began ringing. Jaxxon groaned as she got up to answer it. “Hello.” Nothing. “Hello.” Still complete and utter silence. “Say something or sod off.” Again nothing so she replaced the receiver and sat back down. Wouldn’t you know it, the phone began ringing again. “Oh the machine can get it. I can’t be arsed getting up again, I’m too stuffed.” Her whole world seemed to pause as she heard that voice…
“Jaxx…God, it’s been ages hasn’t it…I’m made up that you’re
doing well for yourself. Give me a ring and let me know when’s a
good time for you to meet up.”
As Connor rattled off his mobile phone number, Jaxxon closed her eyes and allowed the deep, seductive timbre of his voice to wash over her. The sound should be illegal, it was like a caress. It conjured images up in her mind of his gorgeous face, his cocky grin…and the back of his body as he walked out of her life and never came back.
God she despised him. God she missed him. Just like that, her mind was a mess. That arsehole always had a way of knocking her off kilter.
Jaxxon had heard plenty about him over the years. It was hard not to. Most of the blokes where she grew up had all raved about Connor. She always got that, ‘Hey, wasn’t you once Connor McKenzie’s girlfriend? Did he dump you before or after all the F1 stuff?’ That always earned them the snarl from hell.
She knew about his fiancée and their upcoming wedding too…which just made him getting in touch all of a sudden even worse. There was no way she could look at him without wanting to poke his eyes out and feed them to his fiancée. Or maybe the other way around. Maybe both. Why not?
A growl almost spilt from her throat. The nerve of him to phone her up after eight years of nothing! What, was she considered good enough to be associated with now that she was featured in magazines like him? How could he even think she would want to see him? And he did think that she would. She could tell by the way he spoke.
“Oooooh, who was that?” intoned Anna.
“Connor,” replied Jaxxon without thought.
“Connor…?”
“Connor McKenzie.”
Anna frowned. “Connor McKenzie, Connor McKen -” Her eyes widened. “Connor McKenzie as in Connor McKenzie the F1 driver?”
“That’s the one.”
“Oh my God, that man is just divine. Well, he looks like it on the photos anyway. Don’t hold back, how did you meet him? And when?”
Another sigh. “When we were both in foster care.” Anna’s mouth dropped open. Jaxxon supposed that she hadn’t kept her expression as carefully blank as she had thought because Anna’s own expression quickly became cautious and concerned.
“He didn’t hurt you, did he?”
“He was my teenage obsession. Gave me my first kiss.”
“Then what happened?”
“Then nothing. He turned sixteen, left, and I didn’t see him again.”
“So then why do you look ready to kill?”
Jaxxon swallowed back the hurt. “Probably because the night before he left he kissed me and made out like he cared about me when it turned out that the whole time he’d been shagging my older sister and the kiss had been a sympathy-kiss. To a teenager with the most humungous crush, that was a really big thing. And then…”
“And then…?”
No, Jaxxon wouldn’t talk about all that happened after that. She never had, not with anyone, and she had no wish to. Ever.
“Are you going to ring him back?”
“No.” She didn’t even have to think about it. “Sometimes it’s best to leave the past where it belongs. Behind you.”
CHAPTER FOUR
All of three seconds had passed since Connor brought the Ferrari Test Driving Car to a halt on the empty test-track circuit and the very thing that he had been trying to gain a reprieve from for even just a short time came rushing back to the forefront of his mind. Jaxx.
Nothing had succeeded in making him numb from the frustration and confusion that came with the fact that she hadn’t phoned him. Granted it had only been four days since he had left a message on her machine, but he knew she was in London so she would have heard his message by now. Jaxx didn’t play games or make people sweat or put them on hold. That meant that she had either changed dramatically over the years into a creature that more resembled her sister or she simply did not wish to see him.
That’s fine, the proud side of him thought.
But it wasn’t fine. How could it be fine when one of the very few people in the world you had ever cared for suddenly didn’t want to know you? And it wasn’t just anyone, it was Jaxx – the only person he had ever valued, ever trusted, ever let his guard down for after what happened with his biological family.
And then you left and never went back to her, a voice inside him whispered.
Was that what this was about? Fuck, she could never imagine how difficult it had been to leave her that day. He had felt like he was abandoning her. And when he had looked at her puffy eyelids, her forced smile and her wobbling chin it had immediately made him think of when his mother had dumped him and walked away. Suddenly, he had felt no better than that cold-hearted bitch.
Promising Jaxx that he would go back to see her had been wrong and stupid; it had been the only time in his life when he had ever told someone what they wanted to hear. For his own reasons he had stayed away, reminding himself that she had Roland and Leah. She wouldn’t be alone, wouldn’t have to know what ‘alone’ felt like.
He left the cockpit and removed his helmet. Circling his head on his shoulders, he groaned. His Saturdays were usually spent on his aerobic conditioning. His physical fitness was imperative; only during a marathon did a person’s heart rate go high for such a long time. Normally on Saturdays he would either go swimming or running or cycling. But today he had needed greater speeds. Speed was his tonic. Always had been. When he was driving at 200mph and hitting forces of more than 5G, he actually felt at peace. Because they were the moments when he actually felt in control of his life. Even cramped, boiling hot, having his movements constricted by straps around the crotch and chest while his heartbeat reached about 170 per hour and his blood pressure could increase up to 50%, Connor never experienced a more undiluted sense of freedom.
Also, with his concentration solely on steering the race car, all his senses at their peak alertness, that was a time when Connor could totally and utterly shove all other thoughts away. Even Jaxx. But only for a short while, it turned out. His mind was now again hooked on trying to work out her sudden indifference to him. And he was pissed off no end.
Maybe he should just let it go and continue to stay away. It was obviously what she wanted. Maybe he should just be content enough with knowing that she was doing well, that she was happy. What else was there to know anyway?
Fuck. He knew he wouldn’t be able to do that, just as he knew deep down that it was reasons other than curiosity that made him want to see her. If he didn’t have to go to the charity event later tonight, he might have found himself hunting her down to demand to know what her problem was. He would give her until the morning; if she still hadn’t responded to his message by then she would find that the next one wasn’t so friendly.
It was as Jaxxon hopped into the long, white limo that she realised why Ollie had caved so easily about her taking Anna as her guest to the event. Sitting there looking equally surprised were Bruno and Chris, both looking very smart and appealing, and yet her body was not at all interested. She was concerned that she might be turning into a eunuch.
“Oh my God,” gasped Anna, surprised but delighted. “You never said we were going out as a foursome.” She gave the Latino looking Chris her best flirtatious smile.
“I take it this is Ollie’s doing,” said Bruno, grinning and running his hand through the sandy hair that tickled his cheekbones. Shame it hadn’t been Jaxxon’s doing, he thought.
Jaxxon sighed. “Apparently he didn’t like that we hadn’t all paired up so decided to take matters into his own hands. Crafty sod.”
“Do we tell the driver to stop?” asked Chris, wondering whether Jaxxon would be annoyed enough to chuck him out if he didn’t offer in advance.
She thought about it for a moment. “I say we just forget about pleasing everyone else and sweating about what the tabloids might print and just go there as the mates that we are.”
“Oh come on,” urged Anna. “I know you don’t like getting dolled up but it’s a massive event. It’s going to be chock-a-block with celebs. We need to find something suitable.”
“It doesn’t mean we have to go there looking like the Prime Minister’s wife.” A tingling sensation very suddenly scuttled down her spine; her inward warning system, developed after years of having to watch your back, alerting her that someone was watching her. Probably paparazzi, she told herself. But this felt different. It felt wrong. A quick glance around revealed nothing alarming.
Anna nodded. “Alright, let’s try somewhere else.” Jaxxon had never been able to afford shopping sprees so didn’t know the magic of retail therapy and Anna was determined to introduce her to it, though she expected it might take a few goes before Jaxxon was comfortable with the whole thing. She tended to get a little claustrophobic when there were a lot of people around her.
Jaxxon vetoed four more stores but, for some reason, had a good feeling about the fifth. So now for the next part. Go inside. Pick something. Try it on. Pay. Then get the hell out.
One chirpy, overly-attentive assistant quickly became six, and then both Jaxxon and Anna were ushered into a private room where the assistants proceeded to bring in various dresses in various styles by various ‘top designers’. Jaxxon glared hard at Anna. Places like these serve models and celebs all the time, she says, there’ll be no fuss, she says. Anna was going to get her little shimmy kicked so badly.
The assistants kept using terms like ‘looks perfect with your skin tone’, ‘brings out your eye colour’, ‘highlights your curves’. Soon Jaxxon was feeling overwhelmed. The idea of getting into her beloved car had never sounded better. But going home empty handed wasn’t an option. Determined to not have to go to another store to endure this again, Jaxxon resolved that she would choose something from this collection if it killed her.
She tried on a few dresses. The first made her look like a porcelain doll. The second made her look stuck up her own arse. The third made her look like a posh prostitute. But the fourth…It was an ice-blue, silk, halter-neck that was elegant yet stylish and clung to her like a second skin. According to the happy assistants, the skin-clinging part was vital. Whatever. It fit, it was a nice colour, and she didn’t look slutty but had avoided looking all prissy. That was good enough for her. The price was more than she had anticipated but she would overlook that; she needed to get out of this sodding shop and breathe.
The good Lord had obviously been looking down on her because Anna also selected something from this store, though Jaxxon suspected this was mostly because Anna had gotten caught up in the whirlwind of attention. The dress she finally settled on was a short, black number that complimented her long legs.
It was later as they were tackling the pizza they’d had delivered to Jaxxon’s apartment – she had managed to convince Anna that indulging occasionally was good for the soul – that she relayed to Anna the rumours about her and Matt. Amazing how a five minute conversation with a bloke in a bar had been turned into a wild weekend.
“You know, I’m proper surprised that anyone would even print that, let alone believe it,” declared Anna. “I mean come on you’d eat him alive. The idea of you as a couple is just totally unrealistic. Same with Bruno; the man might be built to pleasure but he’s a walking talking teddy bear, he doesn’t suit you. No, what you need is a man-man.” Her face suddenly took on a faraway quality as she got caught up in her thoughts.
“A man-man?”
“Yeah, you know, someone who won’t quiver before you.”
“But who I can still boss around,” she quickly insisted.
“Someone who won’t back down once you get started on one of your disputes.”
“But who will accept that, ultimately, I will win all arguments.”
“And we’ll throw in a healthy sex drive for good measure. Someone intense. I just can’t see you being satisfied with slow and gentle.”
The sound of her mobile phone ringing broke them out of their ‘Jaxxon’s Man-Man’ design. Tired and bloated, Jaxxon huffed with the effort of going to grab her phone. The screen said ‘Withheld Number’. “Hello.” Nothing on the other end. “Hello.” Still nothing. Jaxxon scowled at the phone then ended the call.
“Something up with the signal?” asked Anna from the dining table.
“I’ve got five bars.” The phone in her hand started to ring again. “Hello.” Again there was nothing. “Must be the signal of whoever’s on the other end.” She ended the call, slung the phone on the coffee table and then returned to the table. No sooner had she sat down than the landline phone began ringing. Jaxxon groaned as she got up to answer it. “Hello.” Nothing. “Hello.” Still complete and utter silence. “Say something or sod off.” Again nothing so she replaced the receiver and sat back down. Wouldn’t you know it, the phone began ringing again. “Oh the machine can get it. I can’t be arsed getting up again, I’m too stuffed.” Her whole world seemed to pause as she heard that voice…
“Jaxx…God, it’s been ages hasn’t it…I’m made up that you’re
doing well for yourself. Give me a ring and let me know when’s a
good time for you to meet up.”
As Connor rattled off his mobile phone number, Jaxxon closed her eyes and allowed the deep, seductive timbre of his voice to wash over her. The sound should be illegal, it was like a caress. It conjured images up in her mind of his gorgeous face, his cocky grin…and the back of his body as he walked out of her life and never came back.
God she despised him. God she missed him. Just like that, her mind was a mess. That arsehole always had a way of knocking her off kilter.
Jaxxon had heard plenty about him over the years. It was hard not to. Most of the blokes where she grew up had all raved about Connor. She always got that, ‘Hey, wasn’t you once Connor McKenzie’s girlfriend? Did he dump you before or after all the F1 stuff?’ That always earned them the snarl from hell.
She knew about his fiancée and their upcoming wedding too…which just made him getting in touch all of a sudden even worse. There was no way she could look at him without wanting to poke his eyes out and feed them to his fiancée. Or maybe the other way around. Maybe both. Why not?
A growl almost spilt from her throat. The nerve of him to phone her up after eight years of nothing! What, was she considered good enough to be associated with now that she was featured in magazines like him? How could he even think she would want to see him? And he did think that she would. She could tell by the way he spoke.
“Oooooh, who was that?” intoned Anna.
“Connor,” replied Jaxxon without thought.
“Connor…?”
“Connor McKenzie.”
Anna frowned. “Connor McKenzie, Connor McKen -” Her eyes widened. “Connor McKenzie as in Connor McKenzie the F1 driver?”
“That’s the one.”
“Oh my God, that man is just divine. Well, he looks like it on the photos anyway. Don’t hold back, how did you meet him? And when?”
Another sigh. “When we were both in foster care.” Anna’s mouth dropped open. Jaxxon supposed that she hadn’t kept her expression as carefully blank as she had thought because Anna’s own expression quickly became cautious and concerned.
“He didn’t hurt you, did he?”
“He was my teenage obsession. Gave me my first kiss.”
“Then what happened?”
“Then nothing. He turned sixteen, left, and I didn’t see him again.”
“So then why do you look ready to kill?”
Jaxxon swallowed back the hurt. “Probably because the night before he left he kissed me and made out like he cared about me when it turned out that the whole time he’d been shagging my older sister and the kiss had been a sympathy-kiss. To a teenager with the most humungous crush, that was a really big thing. And then…”
“And then…?”
No, Jaxxon wouldn’t talk about all that happened after that. She never had, not with anyone, and she had no wish to. Ever.
“Are you going to ring him back?”
“No.” She didn’t even have to think about it. “Sometimes it’s best to leave the past where it belongs. Behind you.”
CHAPTER FOUR
All of three seconds had passed since Connor brought the Ferrari Test Driving Car to a halt on the empty test-track circuit and the very thing that he had been trying to gain a reprieve from for even just a short time came rushing back to the forefront of his mind. Jaxx.
Nothing had succeeded in making him numb from the frustration and confusion that came with the fact that she hadn’t phoned him. Granted it had only been four days since he had left a message on her machine, but he knew she was in London so she would have heard his message by now. Jaxx didn’t play games or make people sweat or put them on hold. That meant that she had either changed dramatically over the years into a creature that more resembled her sister or she simply did not wish to see him.
That’s fine, the proud side of him thought.
But it wasn’t fine. How could it be fine when one of the very few people in the world you had ever cared for suddenly didn’t want to know you? And it wasn’t just anyone, it was Jaxx – the only person he had ever valued, ever trusted, ever let his guard down for after what happened with his biological family.
And then you left and never went back to her, a voice inside him whispered.
Was that what this was about? Fuck, she could never imagine how difficult it had been to leave her that day. He had felt like he was abandoning her. And when he had looked at her puffy eyelids, her forced smile and her wobbling chin it had immediately made him think of when his mother had dumped him and walked away. Suddenly, he had felt no better than that cold-hearted bitch.
Promising Jaxx that he would go back to see her had been wrong and stupid; it had been the only time in his life when he had ever told someone what they wanted to hear. For his own reasons he had stayed away, reminding himself that she had Roland and Leah. She wouldn’t be alone, wouldn’t have to know what ‘alone’ felt like.
He left the cockpit and removed his helmet. Circling his head on his shoulders, he groaned. His Saturdays were usually spent on his aerobic conditioning. His physical fitness was imperative; only during a marathon did a person’s heart rate go high for such a long time. Normally on Saturdays he would either go swimming or running or cycling. But today he had needed greater speeds. Speed was his tonic. Always had been. When he was driving at 200mph and hitting forces of more than 5G, he actually felt at peace. Because they were the moments when he actually felt in control of his life. Even cramped, boiling hot, having his movements constricted by straps around the crotch and chest while his heartbeat reached about 170 per hour and his blood pressure could increase up to 50%, Connor never experienced a more undiluted sense of freedom.
Also, with his concentration solely on steering the race car, all his senses at their peak alertness, that was a time when Connor could totally and utterly shove all other thoughts away. Even Jaxx. But only for a short while, it turned out. His mind was now again hooked on trying to work out her sudden indifference to him. And he was pissed off no end.
Maybe he should just let it go and continue to stay away. It was obviously what she wanted. Maybe he should just be content enough with knowing that she was doing well, that she was happy. What else was there to know anyway?
Fuck. He knew he wouldn’t be able to do that, just as he knew deep down that it was reasons other than curiosity that made him want to see her. If he didn’t have to go to the charity event later tonight, he might have found himself hunting her down to demand to know what her problem was. He would give her until the morning; if she still hadn’t responded to his message by then she would find that the next one wasn’t so friendly.
It was as Jaxxon hopped into the long, white limo that she realised why Ollie had caved so easily about her taking Anna as her guest to the event. Sitting there looking equally surprised were Bruno and Chris, both looking very smart and appealing, and yet her body was not at all interested. She was concerned that she might be turning into a eunuch.
“Oh my God,” gasped Anna, surprised but delighted. “You never said we were going out as a foursome.” She gave the Latino looking Chris her best flirtatious smile.
“I take it this is Ollie’s doing,” said Bruno, grinning and running his hand through the sandy hair that tickled his cheekbones. Shame it hadn’t been Jaxxon’s doing, he thought.
Jaxxon sighed. “Apparently he didn’t like that we hadn’t all paired up so decided to take matters into his own hands. Crafty sod.”
“Do we tell the driver to stop?” asked Chris, wondering whether Jaxxon would be annoyed enough to chuck him out if he didn’t offer in advance.
She thought about it for a moment. “I say we just forget about pleasing everyone else and sweating about what the tabloids might print and just go there as the mates that we are.”
