From Twinkle, with Love
Page 43

After a moment, she went on. “When Nani died, something inside me … broke. There’s no other way to say it. And I’m sorry, Twinkle, that it’s affected you. I am sorry it’s made you feel like we don’t care about you. The truth is, you’re the center of our family.”
An apology from Papa and Mummy in the space of a few days. It was like being in a Magritte painting. So surreal. Speaking of paintings … “You stopped doing your art when Nani died.”
“Yes. The world seemed washed of color. It felt pointless.” Mummy’s eyes held mine. “The only thing that had any point anymore was you, Twinkle.”
I shook my head. “That’s not how it feels to me,” I said, my voice cracking. “It feels like … like you blame me for Nani dying alone. If it weren’t for me, you never would’ve come to the States. And you could’ve stayed there, with her.”
Mummy sighed and smoothed my hair back from my forehead. “Twinkle, I don’t blame you. For anything. If anything, I’m the one who …” She trailed off and started again. “Have you ever done something you were ashamed of, but found yourself powerless to stop?”
I thought back to the time I’d exploded at Lewis. What I’d said to Maddie about her dress. How I’d felt bad but hadn’t been able to stop myself from acting out. “Yeah. But … how do you get yourself to stop?”
Mummy shrugged and smiled a small, sad smile. “I don’t know, beta. I’m still trying to work that out. I suppose all we can do is try, hmm? Perhaps life is about doing things in small steps to set things right again.”
I looked into her teary black eyes and, for once, saw only love. There was no guardedness, no defensive wall, no spacey/absent look. My mom would never tell me she loved me in so many words. But this was the closest she’d ever come. I put my head on her shoulder and closed my eyes.
So maybe I need to take a step toward making things right again. Maybe it’s time to whittle down the “people I’m avoiding” list. I can start at the bonfire party Thursday night.
Love,
Twinkle
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Bonfire party
Dear N,
I know you couldn’t show up at Perk. But I’m done wondering about your identity and if you’re ever going to come say hi. So I’m going to find you at the bonfire party, okay? I’m pretty sure I know who you are anyway.
—Twinkle
Wednesday, June 24
My room

Dear Ava DuVernay, I’m sitting here, thinking about the mistakes I’ve made. Blowing up at Lewis? That was a huge mistake. Yelling at Maddie? Ditto. Being spiteful and threatening to cancel the movie so everyone’s work would’ve been for nothing? Tritto. But something both Sahil and Maddie have challenged me on just doesn’t ring true: the behind-the-scenes interview footage.
I’ve been watching it for the last hour. When I get to the end, I just go back to the beginning and play again. Sahil and Maddie think this footage is about cold, hard revenge. And you know? Maybe it was, for a little bit at the party. I was furious, and I wanted to lash out in the only way I knew how.
But now? Now I see all the ways in which airing this would be the biggest truth I could ever tell. Unless people are forced to confront their lies, their brutality, their wrongness, how are they supposed to put things right? How are they supposed to grow? Yes, I’ve come to care for many of the people I made Dracula with. And that’s precisely why I have to air these interviews.
They’re a game changer, not just for all those involved, but for others watching, too. This is a statement about the way humans can be so ruthless, so cunning, so savage that we’re no better than wild animals when you get down to it. This is art.
And so, yes, I am sorry about how I treated people that day I yelled at Lewis. But I’m not sorry about this. This is the most honest thing I’ve ever dared to create, and this is going to help a lot of people.
Love,
Twinkle
Thursday, June 25
2 days until Midsummer Night
Banner Lake

Dear DeMane Davis, “Take steps to make things right,” she said. “It’ll all be okay,” she said. Yeah, right.
So, first, I thought I did a decent thing. When Sahil asked me if I wanted a ride to the bonfire party, I said no. Since I was going to be talking to Neil there, I didn’t want it to be awkward between us or for him to feel like I was lying to him by not telling him the entire ride there. So I took a Lyft there even though it cost me a good chunk of some birthday money I had left over. So, Universe? A few karma points for that would’ve been nice.
The entire ride there, I thought about what Mummy and I had talked about. How she’d said the way to make something right again was to take a small step in the right direction. As soon as the driver pulled up, I hopped out and looked at all the people clustered around the giant bonfire, which was already roaring. Off to the left, Banner Lake was as still and dark as a piece of black glass, and a cool wind was whipping across the clearing where the party was, making people shriek and huddle into each other. I pulled my hoodie closer around me and walked up to Sahil, who was talking to Skid off to the side.
His eyes lit up even brighter than the bonfire when he saw me. He looked heartbreakingly handsome in a black skull hoodie and jeans, his hair all tousled from the wind. “Hey, T!” He leaned over and gave me a hug, and I closed my eyes, just relishing it. When Sahil held me, he blocked out the cutting wind, and it felt like everything would be okay.
Skid gave me a fist bump. “Yo, T,” he said, grinning. “Guess what? I finally talked to Portia. Told her about Midsummer Night like you said?”
“Yeah? And?” I crossed my fingers without even thinking about it.
He nodded, a smug grin on his face. “She was into it. She’ll be there Saturday.”
“Oh my God, I knew it!” I clapped, and then hugged him. “Congrats, Skid. Now all you have to do is be your charming self and it’s in the bag, dude.”
Sahil snorted. “This guy? Charming?”
Skid glared at him. “Don’t be jealous, Sahil. Green isn’t your color.” Then, laughing, he swaggered off to get another hot chocolate. In the distance, I saw Aaron and Matthew huddled together under a tree, their arms wrapped around each other. I felt this warmth in my chest. I was happy for my friends. Extremely happy. But I wanted to be in that lovestruck, gooey place too. I glanced at Sahil and amended silently, In a guilt-free way.
“It’s finally here,” Sahil said, smiling at me and spreading his arms wide. “The wrap party. We’re almost done.”
I sighed happily. “I know.” Then I looked around again, searching.
“You okay?”
“Hmm?” Looking back at Sahil, I saw him frowning at me. “Oh, yeah.” I stuck my hands in my hoodie pockets and scuffed my sneaker on the ground. “I just … I want to set things right. You know, for how I acted that day with Lewis and all of them.”
Sahil’s frown morphed into a small smile. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. I don’t know what happened. … I lost my head or something. Anyway.” I looked him in the eye. “I’m sorry I acted like that.”
“’S’okay, T,” he said, gently bumping my shoulder with his. “I hear it happens to all the greats now and again.”
I rolled my eyes. “Maybe my problem is that I was starting to think of myself as one of the ‘greats,’” I said. “A little humility never hurt anyone.”
Sahil smiled fondly at me. “Yeah.”
I caught sight of Francesca and Brij, standing off to one side talking. That was one of the coolest things the movie had done. It had brought together the groundlings and the silk feathered hats for the first time in the history of PPC’s existence. (Okay, there was no way for me to prove that, but it was my claim to fame and I was sticking with it.) “Oh, hey, there’s someone now. I’ll be back in a bit, okay?”
Sahil nodded and I rushed off. “Hey, Francesca! Brij!”
Francesca turned to me, her hands around a thermos, a plaid scarf around her neck. Only in the mountains would you need a scarf when it was almost July. “Oh, hey, Twinkle.” Brij just waved. He looked a little thunderstruck, his eyes all wide, like he was having trouble believing he was here. Ha. I so got that.