Tristan’s voice was far away, disconnected, when he said, “I can handle more than you obviously think I can. I can protect you both. That’s what I’ve been doing. I had him followed so I could make sure you were both okay. Because I didn’t want something to come back and hurt you, physically or because he knows your secrets. And now he won’t be able to hurt either of you again. Don’t push it, Mateo. It’s already set in motion. Nothing else matters.”
That’s when he almost lost it. That was when the vomit almost made it up his throat and onto the floor of Tristan’s office. Mateo jerked his arm out, grabbing Tristan’s and pulling him close. “It will scar you worse than you are now. Don’t do it. Call him. Stop it. If something needs to be done, I should be the one to do it.”
And even though it was Javier, even though the man deserved it, Mateo still had to shake the visions of his bloody hands from his head. Would it ever fucking end? Would they ever get past this shit and just be happy? First his PO, and now this. Would he always be the one to bring shit on them?
“You think I want to go down this road? I just want us okay. All I need is, for the first time in my life, to protect what is mine.”
That’s what it all stemmed from. Mateo knew that. Knew that Tristan would feel that way, because Mateo would as well, and because he knew the guilt Tristan lived with. “This is worse than anything you have ever done. It will darken your soul, Tristan, and even Josiah won’t be able to take it away.” Because as much as Mateo loved them both, he would always have that shadow of death inside him. Always.
“So you deserve for yours to get darker instead?”
Yes. They were what mattered, though. “Is he after us? Does he know where you and Jay are?”
Tristan shook his head.
“Then neither of us needs that shit. Don’t ruin us because you’re scared, or cuz you think you’re gonna stop somethin’ before it happens.”
With that, Tristan dropped his forehead to Mateo’s. He dug his nails into Teo’s bare sides with the strength of his hold. “I can’t let this go. That would be what would ruin us, because it would ruin me. He... I have to do this for you both. You don’t understand.”
No, he really fucking didn’t. It was because of Mateo. When it came to Javier, anything that happened would come back to something Mateo had done. Maybe whomever Tristan talked to said Javier put Mateo’s shit on the streets. Maybe the lives he took would come back at him. He deserved that. They didn’t.
Still, as pissed as he was, he loved the man in front of him for caring. Mateo took his mouth, letting their tongues wrap around each other, letting them try and make it seem like everything was going to be okay. When he ended the kiss, their heads were still pressed together. “This will kill Jay.”
“I’m protecting him, the way you did.”
“I can’t get behind it.”
“And I can’t stop it, either.”
“It might hurt us all.” The words tasted worse than bile on his tongue.
“It is for us.”
Mateo didn’t pull back, just closed his eyes and let the closeness of them wash through him, because everything would start to fall apart now. It had only ever been a matter of time anyway.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Josiah
Josiah woke up alone, in bed. He couldn’t remember the last time that had happened. Telling himself they just got out of bed before him and hoping like hell that Tristan came home last night, Josiah got up and headed for Tristan’s office first. He rapped softly on the door before slowly pushing it open to see his lover leaned back in his chair, with his feet resting on the desk, sleeping.
As he exhaled a thankful breath, worry also built inside him. Yes, Tristan had come home, but he hadn’t gone to bed with Josiah, and Mateo had left the room sometime during the night. It would be different to come in and find Teo with Tristan, but the fact that he wasn’t here made unease slither against his skin.
Before Josiah could walk over to wake Tristan, his eyes fluttered open. “Hey,” Josiah said to him.
Tristan rubbed a hand over his face. “Good morning.” He stood, stretched, and walked toward Josiah. There was something different in the way he moved. Even when he leaned forward and kissed the corner of Josiah’s mouth, there was something almost reserved about it.
“Is everything okay?” Josiah grabbed onto Tristan’s side.
“Just tired. I’m going to take a shower.”
Before Josiah could say anything else, Tristan walked away. He got about five steps down the hallway before he stopped. His shoulders were tense, and he didn’t turn around when he spoke. “I...I love you. I love you both.”
