Full Contact
Page 37
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“I’m depressed.”
Jess snorts. “I thought you said it was the best, most mind-blowing sex of your life.”
Hugging a pillow, I frown. “It was also the most terrifying. I felt totally out of control. It was like my body was chugging full-steam ahead and my brain was trying to catch up. Everything he said and did, the way he talked and touched me…it turned me on so much, I couldn’t think. I was like a puppet. He said turn, I turned. He said spread ’em, and I spread. And afterward, I felt so anxious and empty inside. With Charlie and James, I felt closer to them after we had sex, even though I never came. With Ray, I came so hard I screamed, but I felt something was missing…me.”
Jess crunches a chip. “You probably needed to ease into it, since it had been so long…soft lights, warm bed, a little music, lots of cuddle time, but unfortunately, you decided to dive in the deep end, lose your piercing virginity, and have sex in a freezing cold ex–machine shop with a fighter after a fight who warned you he would be rough, without telling him about your past. Does that about sum it up?”
She grabs a Twizzler and sticks it into her cooler, using it as a straw. Curious, I do the same and my tongue burns at the burst of sugary sweetness.
“He doesn’t need to know about my past. I’m over it. I’m ready to have a normal relationship, but not with him.”
“Seriously,” she continues as if I hadn’t spoken, “the entire thing sounds so hot that I wanted to combust while you were telling me about it. He’s not Charlie or James, falling over themselves to make sure they don’t hurt you or flip your triggers. Guys like Ray only hold back so much. They named him the Predator for a reason. He’s like a wild animal. You’ve seen him in the ring. You only think you’ve tamed him, but show him a piece of raw meat, and instinct will override rational thought. You want a foot rub and a bubble bath, find a man like Charlie. You want someone to spank your ass raw and make you come so hard you scream, Ray’s your man.”
The sugar burn fades and I take another sip. “Nice. I feel so much better thinking I’m like a piece of raw meat to him. And he didn’t spank me.”
“I meant it as a compliment. And the spanking will come. Guys like him love to spank. It’s the ultimate dominant trait. Marks you in the most primal way.” She shoves a handful of chips in her mouth, forcing me to wait through her crunches for her more experienced insight.
I roll my eyes and grab the chip bag. “I hardly think having sex with him once means I’m marked as his. It was just sex. Raw sex. No emotions involved. It’s exactly what I need. I’m not capable of sustaining an intimate relationship. I have trust issues because of what happened. I learned that with Charlie and James.”
“They weren’t right for you,” she says softly. “That’s why you couldn’t have an intimate relationship. It has nothing to do with Luke. And not only that, you weren’t honest with them. You pretended to come. You pretended to love them. Then you pushed them away. You never even gave them a chance.”
“Since when did you become an amateur psychologist?”
Her cheeks brighten. “Blade Saw is taking psych at night school. He tells me lots of stuff.”
“And did he mark you in a primal way?” Sarcasm imbues my tone, but Jess doesn’t seem to mind.
“Blade Saw isn’t like that. He’s not an alpha fighter. He’s a beta. He enjoys fighting, but he likes the social aspect too. So yeah, we have sex, but he’s not going to pound on anyone who looks at me the wrong way, or attack someone if he found out I was cheating on him. He would be more like, ‘well if he’s what you want. I’m just glad you’re happy.’”
“I can’t see Ray chilling over something like that.”
“Definitely not.” She lifts an eyebrow. “I’m surprised he hasn’t called you already. Alpha males are very possessive once they’ve marked their territory. He’ll want to know you’re still his.”
I groan and drop back on the couch. “He did call. I just didn’t answer.”
“You should call him back.” She grabs a napkin from the table and dabs her lips. “Invite him over to see your vast collection of sex toys. That should smooth things over.”
“I don’t want to call him. What if I’ve made another mistake? What if that was my subconscious saying, ‘You fucked up again and trusted the wrong guy’? That dark feeling was a warning. Some part of me is trying to save me from myself.”
“Is that how you really feel?” She tilts her head to the side, her eyes questioning.
“No.” I wrap my arms around myself and meet her gaze. “It was utterly the most exciting and thrilling experience I’ve ever had. It was like he plucked my fantasies out of my head. Not only that, but he said he had no limits. It almost sent me over the edge. Imagine. He would make my deepest, darkest fantasies come true. All I have to do is ask.”
Jess swings her legs off the couch and checks her watch. “I think you’re just scared. You went from having nice, gentle sex with guys who only knew one position and were too afraid to try anything else because of what happened to you, to going full throttle with a man who is clearly vastly more experienced, very dominant, and drips sex appeal. You should have brought him home, where you feel safe. Told him what happened to you. Given yourself enough time for a post-sex cuddle.”
Jess snorts. “I thought you said it was the best, most mind-blowing sex of your life.”
Hugging a pillow, I frown. “It was also the most terrifying. I felt totally out of control. It was like my body was chugging full-steam ahead and my brain was trying to catch up. Everything he said and did, the way he talked and touched me…it turned me on so much, I couldn’t think. I was like a puppet. He said turn, I turned. He said spread ’em, and I spread. And afterward, I felt so anxious and empty inside. With Charlie and James, I felt closer to them after we had sex, even though I never came. With Ray, I came so hard I screamed, but I felt something was missing…me.”
Jess crunches a chip. “You probably needed to ease into it, since it had been so long…soft lights, warm bed, a little music, lots of cuddle time, but unfortunately, you decided to dive in the deep end, lose your piercing virginity, and have sex in a freezing cold ex–machine shop with a fighter after a fight who warned you he would be rough, without telling him about your past. Does that about sum it up?”
She grabs a Twizzler and sticks it into her cooler, using it as a straw. Curious, I do the same and my tongue burns at the burst of sugary sweetness.
“He doesn’t need to know about my past. I’m over it. I’m ready to have a normal relationship, but not with him.”
“Seriously,” she continues as if I hadn’t spoken, “the entire thing sounds so hot that I wanted to combust while you were telling me about it. He’s not Charlie or James, falling over themselves to make sure they don’t hurt you or flip your triggers. Guys like Ray only hold back so much. They named him the Predator for a reason. He’s like a wild animal. You’ve seen him in the ring. You only think you’ve tamed him, but show him a piece of raw meat, and instinct will override rational thought. You want a foot rub and a bubble bath, find a man like Charlie. You want someone to spank your ass raw and make you come so hard you scream, Ray’s your man.”
The sugar burn fades and I take another sip. “Nice. I feel so much better thinking I’m like a piece of raw meat to him. And he didn’t spank me.”
“I meant it as a compliment. And the spanking will come. Guys like him love to spank. It’s the ultimate dominant trait. Marks you in the most primal way.” She shoves a handful of chips in her mouth, forcing me to wait through her crunches for her more experienced insight.
I roll my eyes and grab the chip bag. “I hardly think having sex with him once means I’m marked as his. It was just sex. Raw sex. No emotions involved. It’s exactly what I need. I’m not capable of sustaining an intimate relationship. I have trust issues because of what happened. I learned that with Charlie and James.”
“They weren’t right for you,” she says softly. “That’s why you couldn’t have an intimate relationship. It has nothing to do with Luke. And not only that, you weren’t honest with them. You pretended to come. You pretended to love them. Then you pushed them away. You never even gave them a chance.”
“Since when did you become an amateur psychologist?”
Her cheeks brighten. “Blade Saw is taking psych at night school. He tells me lots of stuff.”
“And did he mark you in a primal way?” Sarcasm imbues my tone, but Jess doesn’t seem to mind.
“Blade Saw isn’t like that. He’s not an alpha fighter. He’s a beta. He enjoys fighting, but he likes the social aspect too. So yeah, we have sex, but he’s not going to pound on anyone who looks at me the wrong way, or attack someone if he found out I was cheating on him. He would be more like, ‘well if he’s what you want. I’m just glad you’re happy.’”
“I can’t see Ray chilling over something like that.”
“Definitely not.” She lifts an eyebrow. “I’m surprised he hasn’t called you already. Alpha males are very possessive once they’ve marked their territory. He’ll want to know you’re still his.”
I groan and drop back on the couch. “He did call. I just didn’t answer.”
“You should call him back.” She grabs a napkin from the table and dabs her lips. “Invite him over to see your vast collection of sex toys. That should smooth things over.”
“I don’t want to call him. What if I’ve made another mistake? What if that was my subconscious saying, ‘You fucked up again and trusted the wrong guy’? That dark feeling was a warning. Some part of me is trying to save me from myself.”
“Is that how you really feel?” She tilts her head to the side, her eyes questioning.
“No.” I wrap my arms around myself and meet her gaze. “It was utterly the most exciting and thrilling experience I’ve ever had. It was like he plucked my fantasies out of my head. Not only that, but he said he had no limits. It almost sent me over the edge. Imagine. He would make my deepest, darkest fantasies come true. All I have to do is ask.”
Jess swings her legs off the couch and checks her watch. “I think you’re just scared. You went from having nice, gentle sex with guys who only knew one position and were too afraid to try anything else because of what happened to you, to going full throttle with a man who is clearly vastly more experienced, very dominant, and drips sex appeal. You should have brought him home, where you feel safe. Told him what happened to you. Given yourself enough time for a post-sex cuddle.”
