Full Contact
Page 67
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“Do I get to know what’s going on?” I look over my shoulder, and Ray leans down and presses his cheek against mine, rough with a five o’clock shadow.
“Don’t want to let you go.” He pulls me in tighter and buries his face in my shoulder.
“I’m not planning on going anywhere.” And then my blood chills. “Are you ending this? Is that why we’re here?” Was Doctor Death right when he said Ray would walk away?
Ray doesn’t answer. Instead he draws in a deep, shuddering breath and I try to connect with him in the stillness. Closing my eyes, I sink back into his body. My breath is his breath. Our hearts beat as one. We are in full contact. But I can’t sense him in the darkness. How can he be so close and yet so far away?
“I shouldn’t have taken you with me,” he says after an interminably long silence.
“I wanted to go.”
“It was too dangerous. I knew that. Every other time, I’ve stopped myself from taking you out in public. Even this afternoon, I made myself walk away. But when you gave me that picture…” He squeezes me so hard, I can barely breathe. “Fuck. It was so beautiful. After all the beauty I destroyed in my life, you gave a piece of it back to me. And the way you drew yourself…that’s what I see. The real you. And you gave me that too.”
“Ray.” I turn my head and rest my forehead on his cheek, rough with stubble. “You’re scaring me. Talk to me.”
A tree frog croaks in the distance, and something scurries in the tall grass. We are alone but not alone. Even the silence is not silence because I can still hear the hum of traffic, the wail of sirens, and the occasional faint blare of a car horn. But the breeze is soft and cool, fragrant with the smell of grass and a kiss of the ocean. And Ray still has his arms around me, protecting me in the darkness.
“When I moved to the Bay Area a couple of years ago and started up as a PI, it was the first time I had control over my work.” His voice drops to a soothing murmur and I relax into his arms. “I got a job working at the law firm where Amanda used to work. Met Amanda. Liked her. She was a good person caught in a bad situation. Turns out power corrupts at all levels, and when I saw they were doin’ her an injustice, I did my best to help. Got to know her very well, and Penny, her secretary, and the boys at Redemption. Before that, my life had always been about duty, never staying in one place long enough to have friends. Lisa was my first and only serious relationship and we hooked up only because we were stationed together.”
“In the army?”
He brushes a kiss over my cheek and sighs. “I started thinking about staying here, and Torment hounded me to join the Redemption team, but duty kept calling. I had assignments that kept taking me away. I joined the underground league so I could fight without letting anyone down. And then one day, I saw you at a fight.”
“You saw me? I kinda stayed in the back.”
“Couldn’t see anything else. That was the day I decided I wanted a real life. I wanted a chance to be with a girl who took my breath away, to have friends, to answer only to myself. But the job I do, it’s not that easy to walk away, so I tried not to get too close to you. When you gave me that picture, I realized I’d lost that battle a long time ago. Suddenly I wanted to take you out so bad—more than anything I’ve wanted before. Just for a night, pretend it was real.”
“It is real.” I brush my hand over the cool grass.
“Tonight says it can’t be real.” Ray releases me and pushes himself to his feet. “I put you in danger. It can’t happen again, especially after what you’ve already been through. It was a stupid dream and I should have known better.” He stalks away through the darkness. I hear rocks clatter, swearing, a strangled cry. I shine the flashlight in the direction of the noise and find him seated on a rise, his arms crossed on his knees, head down.
Although not very reassured by his words, I can’t ignore his pain, so I make my way up the little hill and kneel in front of him.
“Let me in.” I ease his legs apart and he lifts his head as I shuffle close and wrap my arms around him.
“Shhhhh.” It’s my turn for shushing now and, curiously, he doesn’t resist. Instead he wraps his arms around me and pulls me tight against him, shuddering against my body.
“Look at me,” I whisper. “This last month we’ve been together, I’ve done things I never thought I’d do before. Things I thought would destroy me. I’m stronger than I thought I was. I’ve been leaning on people for too long. I don’t know what threat that guy was to me, but whatever it is, I can deal with it, Ray. We can deal with it. Together.”
“My beautiful girl.” His words are a soft murmur against my neck. “Never wanted anything as much as I want you. Never wanted a normal life as much as I want it now. But I can’t go through losing someone again. What if, one day, you turn the corner, and he’s there and I’m not fast enough? The guilt never goes away. It eats at my soul.”
Kneeling, I stroke his hair, soft and silky under my palm. “You need to forgive yourself. What happened with Scott, and with Lisa too, wasn’t your fault. They made their choices. Just like I’ve made mine.”
The sound that comes from his throat is part sob, part groan. A prickling sensation shoots up my spine and for some inexplicable reason, I feel like I’m about to lose him. So I don’t let him go. I hold him tight while in the back of my mind I wonder if this will be the last time.
“Don’t want to let you go.” He pulls me in tighter and buries his face in my shoulder.
“I’m not planning on going anywhere.” And then my blood chills. “Are you ending this? Is that why we’re here?” Was Doctor Death right when he said Ray would walk away?
Ray doesn’t answer. Instead he draws in a deep, shuddering breath and I try to connect with him in the stillness. Closing my eyes, I sink back into his body. My breath is his breath. Our hearts beat as one. We are in full contact. But I can’t sense him in the darkness. How can he be so close and yet so far away?
“I shouldn’t have taken you with me,” he says after an interminably long silence.
“I wanted to go.”
“It was too dangerous. I knew that. Every other time, I’ve stopped myself from taking you out in public. Even this afternoon, I made myself walk away. But when you gave me that picture…” He squeezes me so hard, I can barely breathe. “Fuck. It was so beautiful. After all the beauty I destroyed in my life, you gave a piece of it back to me. And the way you drew yourself…that’s what I see. The real you. And you gave me that too.”
“Ray.” I turn my head and rest my forehead on his cheek, rough with stubble. “You’re scaring me. Talk to me.”
A tree frog croaks in the distance, and something scurries in the tall grass. We are alone but not alone. Even the silence is not silence because I can still hear the hum of traffic, the wail of sirens, and the occasional faint blare of a car horn. But the breeze is soft and cool, fragrant with the smell of grass and a kiss of the ocean. And Ray still has his arms around me, protecting me in the darkness.
“When I moved to the Bay Area a couple of years ago and started up as a PI, it was the first time I had control over my work.” His voice drops to a soothing murmur and I relax into his arms. “I got a job working at the law firm where Amanda used to work. Met Amanda. Liked her. She was a good person caught in a bad situation. Turns out power corrupts at all levels, and when I saw they were doin’ her an injustice, I did my best to help. Got to know her very well, and Penny, her secretary, and the boys at Redemption. Before that, my life had always been about duty, never staying in one place long enough to have friends. Lisa was my first and only serious relationship and we hooked up only because we were stationed together.”
“In the army?”
He brushes a kiss over my cheek and sighs. “I started thinking about staying here, and Torment hounded me to join the Redemption team, but duty kept calling. I had assignments that kept taking me away. I joined the underground league so I could fight without letting anyone down. And then one day, I saw you at a fight.”
“You saw me? I kinda stayed in the back.”
“Couldn’t see anything else. That was the day I decided I wanted a real life. I wanted a chance to be with a girl who took my breath away, to have friends, to answer only to myself. But the job I do, it’s not that easy to walk away, so I tried not to get too close to you. When you gave me that picture, I realized I’d lost that battle a long time ago. Suddenly I wanted to take you out so bad—more than anything I’ve wanted before. Just for a night, pretend it was real.”
“It is real.” I brush my hand over the cool grass.
“Tonight says it can’t be real.” Ray releases me and pushes himself to his feet. “I put you in danger. It can’t happen again, especially after what you’ve already been through. It was a stupid dream and I should have known better.” He stalks away through the darkness. I hear rocks clatter, swearing, a strangled cry. I shine the flashlight in the direction of the noise and find him seated on a rise, his arms crossed on his knees, head down.
Although not very reassured by his words, I can’t ignore his pain, so I make my way up the little hill and kneel in front of him.
“Let me in.” I ease his legs apart and he lifts his head as I shuffle close and wrap my arms around him.
“Shhhhh.” It’s my turn for shushing now and, curiously, he doesn’t resist. Instead he wraps his arms around me and pulls me tight against him, shuddering against my body.
“Look at me,” I whisper. “This last month we’ve been together, I’ve done things I never thought I’d do before. Things I thought would destroy me. I’m stronger than I thought I was. I’ve been leaning on people for too long. I don’t know what threat that guy was to me, but whatever it is, I can deal with it, Ray. We can deal with it. Together.”
“My beautiful girl.” His words are a soft murmur against my neck. “Never wanted anything as much as I want you. Never wanted a normal life as much as I want it now. But I can’t go through losing someone again. What if, one day, you turn the corner, and he’s there and I’m not fast enough? The guilt never goes away. It eats at my soul.”
Kneeling, I stroke his hair, soft and silky under my palm. “You need to forgive yourself. What happened with Scott, and with Lisa too, wasn’t your fault. They made their choices. Just like I’ve made mine.”
The sound that comes from his throat is part sob, part groan. A prickling sensation shoots up my spine and for some inexplicable reason, I feel like I’m about to lose him. So I don’t let him go. I hold him tight while in the back of my mind I wonder if this will be the last time.
