Cedric, I really appreciate your taking the time to explain everything to me through this letter. I need time to absorb all of this and ask that you please not contact me until I have had that opportunity. Thank you for the ring. It’s beautiful, although I am not sure if I can wear it, but I will cherish it.
It hurt so badly to hear her tell me not to contact her, but I was relieved that she read everything I had to say. I had been completely honest and for the first time since I met her, I had nothing to hide anymore.
That was five months ago, though, and Allison was nowhere to be found now.
Mom told me she had taken a leave of absence from working with Callie three months ago, but assured her she would be back. I still don’t know how Allison managed to keep working with Callie for the first two months after the letter, but she did. She was amazing like that.
Walking back into the kitchen, I noticed that Stephanie was already sitting down drinking coffee and eating her waffle.
“Sorry, I took so long.”
“No worries, Blue Eyes.”
I suddenly felt nauseous when she called me that. It was what Allison said she used to call me before we met.
My mind switched to thinking about whether taking Stephanie to my mother’s today was a good idea.
“So, what’s the verdict on today?” she asked.
“Do you like pork?”
“Is that what you guys call it these days?” Stephanie winked.
“Ha…no, I mean actual pork, as in pig meat.”
“Yeah…it’s okay. I prefer chicken.”
“My mother has a cookout every Labor Day and we roast a pig. It’s kind of a European tradition she picked up from her grandmother. Would you want to come with me? I sort of can’t get out of it.”
“Is the pig alive?”
“Oink. Oink.” I winked. “Just kidding…no, it’s already dead on arrival.”
“Oh, thank God.” She sighed.
“Don’t thank God, til you see its face. It’s still pretty gross, but the meat tastes great when everything’s done,” I said taking a bit of my waffle.
“Sounds like a plan. I’d love to meet your family.”
Hearing her say that made me cringe because I knew I wasn’t ready for this with Stephanie, but I just didn’t have the energy to get out of it.
Not knowing what to say to that, I repeated, “Sounds like a plan.”
CHAPTER 34
ALLISON
Three Months Earlier
The harmonious fire Moon brings interesting people crossing your path, Gemini. Their conversations are enlightening and leave you inspired over their encouraging words. You feel refreshed and motivated to continue on the course of those pushed-aside dreams.
The fasten seatbelt sign lit up and my heart was racing in anticipation of what would greet me once I left this plane. I always hated flying but mostly takeoff and landing.
As the plane slowly descended, I prayed that it wouldn’t hit the ground in a ball of flames. My nerves were acting up for a lot of different reasons right now.
When the jet touched down, I mouthed a silent ‘thank you’ to the man upstairs and realized that my breathing was still rapid, even though the plane had safely landed.
Thanking the pilot as I exited, I walked slowly down the long hallway that led to the inside of the terminal.
I didn’t know what they looked like, but they said they would find me. I hoped this wasn’t a mistake as I looked around and saw that no one made eye contact.
Suddenly, I turned around and saw a smiling woman who looked about sixty wheeling an equally beaming man approaching me slowly. The looks of amazement on their faces confirmed that I had found them.
“Allison!” Elaine said as she hugged me tightly, then pulled back to examine my features. After a stare that seemed to last forever, she said, “You are stunning, honey. Oh my God.”
I must have been blushing. “Hi Elaine. It’s great to finally meet you,” I said nervously.
I bent down to hug Ed who was in a wheelchair. I knew he was being treated for cancer, but was surprised to see how weak he actually was. When I pushed back, Ed’s tears were flowing, as we made eye contact.
“I can’t believe this. It’s surreal. I am sorry for being so emotional. I know this must be strange for you,” he said.
“Don’t worry about that. I understand,” I said as I took his hand, still bending down.
I stood up and the three of us walked silently together to the baggage claim and I separated from them to get my luggage. The few minutes alone were enough to grab my bearings again.
We resumed walking to the parking garage, as I wheeled my suitcase and Elaine wheeled Ed.
“We thought we could stop for lunch on the way home,” Elaine said.
“That would be great,” I said even though I was hardly hungry, as nerves had taken away my appetite.
Ed turned around to face me in the elevator. “Do you like pancakes, Allison?”
I smiled down at Ed. “Yes, I do.”
“There is this great Pancake House right off the highway on our way home. You can get breakfast or lunch and the best pancakes you’ve tasted anytime of day, lots of different kinds too.”
“That sounds great, Ed.” I could tell he probably wasn’t feeling well and hoped he wasn’t pushing himself being out like this.
As Elaine helped Ed into the car, I loaded my suitcase into the trunk. The ride to the restaurant was quiet, with Ed occasionally looking back at me and smiling as we made small talk.
“Was the flight okay?” he asked.
“As good as could be. I don’t really like to fly.”
“I don’t blame you.” He laughed.
When we got to the restaurant, the smell of the food helped bring some of my appetite back. I ordered blueberry pancakes per Ed’s suggestion.
I sat across from Ed and Elaine as we waited for our food, looking around the room to avoid the awkwardness of staring right at them as they examined the similarities between their dead daughter and me.
“So, Allison, is there anything you want to ask us?” Elaine asked.
After a long pause, I started to recall the questions I had gone over in my head prior to the trip.
“I guess I want to know how long you knew about me and why you never tried to find me sooner.”
Elaine looked down to gather her thoughts and then raised her head. “We knew for several years…probably from the time Amanda was five that there had been a twin, because a friend of mine who worked at the adoption agency confided in me after she left her job. We had no idea prior to that. She made it clear that there was no other information about your whereabouts. In retrospect, I wished that we had looked for you sooner, so that you could have met your sister. We made a decision when Amanda was young, though, that we would tell her when she was eighteen and let her decide whether she wanted to find you. I am so sorry, Allison,” Elaine said.
I looked over at Ed and he was starting to cry again.
“Ed, please. It’s okay. You need to save your energy. I am not upset with you, I promise.” I reached over across the table and grabbed his hand and we stayed like that until the food arrived. I had just met these people, but my heart broke for Ed and I wanted to comfort him.
The three of us ate quietly until Ed said, “Mandy used to love this restaurant.”
I let that sink in for a minute, and then dropped my fork. “Did you just call her Mandy…was that her nickname?”
“Only Ed called her Mandy…that was his nickname for her,” Elaine said, as Ed smiled at her.
Chills ran through me as I recalled the song that played at the diner the very first time I saw Cedric: it was Mandy by Barry Manilow.
I picked up my fork and ate again in silence as I thought about that eerie coincidence and seemed to feel her presence in this booth. It might have been my imagination, but I felt like she was here…now…I could sense it. And Ed’s use of the name today and my recollection of the song could be her way of showing me she has been here all along. I kept this realization to myself.
Ed interrupted my thoughts. “Allison, I want you to know, we thought we were doing the right thing all those years. If we had known what would have happened, we would have handled things differently.”
I closed my eyes briefly and nodded. “I know.”
After a bit more silence, Elaine asked, “Can you tell us a little about your childhood?”
I smiled as I recalled my mother. “Sure. I had a great childhood. I guess you could say Amanda and I were both lucky to be placed in good homes. My mother, Margo, was single and always wanted a child of her own. She made a good living and was on a waiting list and one day out of the blue got a call about a baby girl. I was hers ever since that day. She was my everything and provided a great life for me. I never had a father, but she was enough. She worked, but she never missed a dance class, never missed a soccer game. And when I grew up, there was nothing I couldn’t confide in her about. She died from cancer a couple of years ago. So…it’s been hard. She was my best friend.”
As I started to cry, Ed reached across the table and grabbed my hand again and joined me in tears, saying, “So you lost your everything and we lost ours.”
I nodded. “Yeah,” I said sniffling and over the course of the next hour, I reminisced more about my mother. They shared memories of Amanda, who, it turns out, was a cheerleader in high school and won some competitions. She also studied abroad in Spain during the summer before her senior year in high school and was a grade A student. She had been majoring in journalism at Northwestern.
The lunch was emotional but the ride to their house was quiet.
When we pulled up to a beautiful but modest home in a nice suburb of Chicago, I realized my sister must have had the typical suburban upbringing.
Elaine brought Ed inside to his bedroom upstairs and when she returned I followed her down some stairs off of the kitchen into a converted garage that had been made into a bedroom.
“This was Amanda’s room. I thought maybe you would like to sleep here. It’s not exactly how she left it, but some of the things, I didn’t touch, like the bulletin board of photos over there and the items on the chest of drawers. I donated her clothes some years back, so the closet is empty. Feel free to hang all your things. It’s been a guest room for many years now.”
I looked around the pretty pink walls and décor. It was the epitome of a feminine room. There was a pink bedspread with small white flowers, vintage Pottery Barn and the wallpaper had thick pink and white lines.
There was one window at the front of the room, which let a lot of sun in and a light summer breeze came through it.
“I’ll let you get situated. I am going to run upstairs and get you some towels and things,” she said.
“Thanks so much, Elaine.”
Left alone in Amanda’s room, I sat on the bed, looked around and then closed my eyes relishing the breeze. If I thought I could feel her presence at the restaurant, it was definitely out in full force right here. This room would be the epicenter, actually.
I immediately walked over to the bulletin board that hung on the wall. There were dozens of pictures held up by thumb tacks: Amanda’s high school graduation, cheerleading shots, a prom picture with a blonde boy who looked like Zach from the show Saved By the Bell. Then, I noticed the same picture that I had found of Amanda in Cedric’s binder. I took it off the wall and looked on the back.
To my gorgeous girlfriend, thank you for agreeing to pose for me. Love you, baby. Cedric.
I swallowed hard at seeing Cedric’s handwriting and from seeing the words ‘Love you.’
I stuck that photo back onto the board noticing another one of a young Cedric and Amanda, smiling from ear to ear, wearing St. Patrick’s Day hats and green shirts. It was always hard to see his beautiful face, but it was even harder to see him looking so happy with her, especially when she looked identical to me when I was eighteen. It was all so strange.
I turned that photo around and noticed that the date was March 2002. It was taken a month before she died. I felt tears start to form as I tried to block the accident and how she suffered before she died out of my mind.
She was so young. And she wanted to find me…she wanted me there. I had no idea she even existed and I was probably sitting in a mall food court eating taco bell when she died.
I returned to the bed, clutching the photo in tears. There were so many unknowns…would she and Cedric have gotten married and had the baby? Would she and I have met and become close? I would never know. As I continued to stare at the photo, my confused emotions continued. The photo made me jealous because he clearly cared for her, but it also made me mad because he was possibly going to break up with her a month later. And was she pregnant in the photo?
Just then, Elaine startled me, when she returned with the towels and saw me crying. She sat next to me on the bed and saw the photo in my hand, taking it gently away and looking at it.
“Cedric told me everything, you know,” she said.
“What do you mean?”
“Honey, we had put him in a very difficult position, Ed and I, asking him to be the one to find you. We never really considered, his feelings…how he might feel about you, what should now be obvious…that he could fall for you. We just wanted to know you were okay and for you to know about Amanda, because that was her wish. Cedric was already in Boston and with Ed so sick, it made the most sense to ask him to confront you.”
“What exactly did Cedric tell you about us?”
“He called sometime after you found the photo at his mother’s house. He was in tears, Allison. He confessed that he had found you months before, but had kept it from us and that you two had grown very close all those weeks. He was devastated because he knew he’d lost you.”
It hurt so badly to hear her tell me not to contact her, but I was relieved that she read everything I had to say. I had been completely honest and for the first time since I met her, I had nothing to hide anymore.
That was five months ago, though, and Allison was nowhere to be found now.
Mom told me she had taken a leave of absence from working with Callie three months ago, but assured her she would be back. I still don’t know how Allison managed to keep working with Callie for the first two months after the letter, but she did. She was amazing like that.
Walking back into the kitchen, I noticed that Stephanie was already sitting down drinking coffee and eating her waffle.
“Sorry, I took so long.”
“No worries, Blue Eyes.”
I suddenly felt nauseous when she called me that. It was what Allison said she used to call me before we met.
My mind switched to thinking about whether taking Stephanie to my mother’s today was a good idea.
“So, what’s the verdict on today?” she asked.
“Do you like pork?”
“Is that what you guys call it these days?” Stephanie winked.
“Ha…no, I mean actual pork, as in pig meat.”
“Yeah…it’s okay. I prefer chicken.”
“My mother has a cookout every Labor Day and we roast a pig. It’s kind of a European tradition she picked up from her grandmother. Would you want to come with me? I sort of can’t get out of it.”
“Is the pig alive?”
“Oink. Oink.” I winked. “Just kidding…no, it’s already dead on arrival.”
“Oh, thank God.” She sighed.
“Don’t thank God, til you see its face. It’s still pretty gross, but the meat tastes great when everything’s done,” I said taking a bit of my waffle.
“Sounds like a plan. I’d love to meet your family.”
Hearing her say that made me cringe because I knew I wasn’t ready for this with Stephanie, but I just didn’t have the energy to get out of it.
Not knowing what to say to that, I repeated, “Sounds like a plan.”
CHAPTER 34
ALLISON
Three Months Earlier
The harmonious fire Moon brings interesting people crossing your path, Gemini. Their conversations are enlightening and leave you inspired over their encouraging words. You feel refreshed and motivated to continue on the course of those pushed-aside dreams.
The fasten seatbelt sign lit up and my heart was racing in anticipation of what would greet me once I left this plane. I always hated flying but mostly takeoff and landing.
As the plane slowly descended, I prayed that it wouldn’t hit the ground in a ball of flames. My nerves were acting up for a lot of different reasons right now.
When the jet touched down, I mouthed a silent ‘thank you’ to the man upstairs and realized that my breathing was still rapid, even though the plane had safely landed.
Thanking the pilot as I exited, I walked slowly down the long hallway that led to the inside of the terminal.
I didn’t know what they looked like, but they said they would find me. I hoped this wasn’t a mistake as I looked around and saw that no one made eye contact.
Suddenly, I turned around and saw a smiling woman who looked about sixty wheeling an equally beaming man approaching me slowly. The looks of amazement on their faces confirmed that I had found them.
“Allison!” Elaine said as she hugged me tightly, then pulled back to examine my features. After a stare that seemed to last forever, she said, “You are stunning, honey. Oh my God.”
I must have been blushing. “Hi Elaine. It’s great to finally meet you,” I said nervously.
I bent down to hug Ed who was in a wheelchair. I knew he was being treated for cancer, but was surprised to see how weak he actually was. When I pushed back, Ed’s tears were flowing, as we made eye contact.
“I can’t believe this. It’s surreal. I am sorry for being so emotional. I know this must be strange for you,” he said.
“Don’t worry about that. I understand,” I said as I took his hand, still bending down.
I stood up and the three of us walked silently together to the baggage claim and I separated from them to get my luggage. The few minutes alone were enough to grab my bearings again.
We resumed walking to the parking garage, as I wheeled my suitcase and Elaine wheeled Ed.
“We thought we could stop for lunch on the way home,” Elaine said.
“That would be great,” I said even though I was hardly hungry, as nerves had taken away my appetite.
Ed turned around to face me in the elevator. “Do you like pancakes, Allison?”
I smiled down at Ed. “Yes, I do.”
“There is this great Pancake House right off the highway on our way home. You can get breakfast or lunch and the best pancakes you’ve tasted anytime of day, lots of different kinds too.”
“That sounds great, Ed.” I could tell he probably wasn’t feeling well and hoped he wasn’t pushing himself being out like this.
As Elaine helped Ed into the car, I loaded my suitcase into the trunk. The ride to the restaurant was quiet, with Ed occasionally looking back at me and smiling as we made small talk.
“Was the flight okay?” he asked.
“As good as could be. I don’t really like to fly.”
“I don’t blame you.” He laughed.
When we got to the restaurant, the smell of the food helped bring some of my appetite back. I ordered blueberry pancakes per Ed’s suggestion.
I sat across from Ed and Elaine as we waited for our food, looking around the room to avoid the awkwardness of staring right at them as they examined the similarities between their dead daughter and me.
“So, Allison, is there anything you want to ask us?” Elaine asked.
After a long pause, I started to recall the questions I had gone over in my head prior to the trip.
“I guess I want to know how long you knew about me and why you never tried to find me sooner.”
Elaine looked down to gather her thoughts and then raised her head. “We knew for several years…probably from the time Amanda was five that there had been a twin, because a friend of mine who worked at the adoption agency confided in me after she left her job. We had no idea prior to that. She made it clear that there was no other information about your whereabouts. In retrospect, I wished that we had looked for you sooner, so that you could have met your sister. We made a decision when Amanda was young, though, that we would tell her when she was eighteen and let her decide whether she wanted to find you. I am so sorry, Allison,” Elaine said.
I looked over at Ed and he was starting to cry again.
“Ed, please. It’s okay. You need to save your energy. I am not upset with you, I promise.” I reached over across the table and grabbed his hand and we stayed like that until the food arrived. I had just met these people, but my heart broke for Ed and I wanted to comfort him.
The three of us ate quietly until Ed said, “Mandy used to love this restaurant.”
I let that sink in for a minute, and then dropped my fork. “Did you just call her Mandy…was that her nickname?”
“Only Ed called her Mandy…that was his nickname for her,” Elaine said, as Ed smiled at her.
Chills ran through me as I recalled the song that played at the diner the very first time I saw Cedric: it was Mandy by Barry Manilow.
I picked up my fork and ate again in silence as I thought about that eerie coincidence and seemed to feel her presence in this booth. It might have been my imagination, but I felt like she was here…now…I could sense it. And Ed’s use of the name today and my recollection of the song could be her way of showing me she has been here all along. I kept this realization to myself.
Ed interrupted my thoughts. “Allison, I want you to know, we thought we were doing the right thing all those years. If we had known what would have happened, we would have handled things differently.”
I closed my eyes briefly and nodded. “I know.”
After a bit more silence, Elaine asked, “Can you tell us a little about your childhood?”
I smiled as I recalled my mother. “Sure. I had a great childhood. I guess you could say Amanda and I were both lucky to be placed in good homes. My mother, Margo, was single and always wanted a child of her own. She made a good living and was on a waiting list and one day out of the blue got a call about a baby girl. I was hers ever since that day. She was my everything and provided a great life for me. I never had a father, but she was enough. She worked, but she never missed a dance class, never missed a soccer game. And when I grew up, there was nothing I couldn’t confide in her about. She died from cancer a couple of years ago. So…it’s been hard. She was my best friend.”
As I started to cry, Ed reached across the table and grabbed my hand again and joined me in tears, saying, “So you lost your everything and we lost ours.”
I nodded. “Yeah,” I said sniffling and over the course of the next hour, I reminisced more about my mother. They shared memories of Amanda, who, it turns out, was a cheerleader in high school and won some competitions. She also studied abroad in Spain during the summer before her senior year in high school and was a grade A student. She had been majoring in journalism at Northwestern.
The lunch was emotional but the ride to their house was quiet.
When we pulled up to a beautiful but modest home in a nice suburb of Chicago, I realized my sister must have had the typical suburban upbringing.
Elaine brought Ed inside to his bedroom upstairs and when she returned I followed her down some stairs off of the kitchen into a converted garage that had been made into a bedroom.
“This was Amanda’s room. I thought maybe you would like to sleep here. It’s not exactly how she left it, but some of the things, I didn’t touch, like the bulletin board of photos over there and the items on the chest of drawers. I donated her clothes some years back, so the closet is empty. Feel free to hang all your things. It’s been a guest room for many years now.”
I looked around the pretty pink walls and décor. It was the epitome of a feminine room. There was a pink bedspread with small white flowers, vintage Pottery Barn and the wallpaper had thick pink and white lines.
There was one window at the front of the room, which let a lot of sun in and a light summer breeze came through it.
“I’ll let you get situated. I am going to run upstairs and get you some towels and things,” she said.
“Thanks so much, Elaine.”
Left alone in Amanda’s room, I sat on the bed, looked around and then closed my eyes relishing the breeze. If I thought I could feel her presence at the restaurant, it was definitely out in full force right here. This room would be the epicenter, actually.
I immediately walked over to the bulletin board that hung on the wall. There were dozens of pictures held up by thumb tacks: Amanda’s high school graduation, cheerleading shots, a prom picture with a blonde boy who looked like Zach from the show Saved By the Bell. Then, I noticed the same picture that I had found of Amanda in Cedric’s binder. I took it off the wall and looked on the back.
To my gorgeous girlfriend, thank you for agreeing to pose for me. Love you, baby. Cedric.
I swallowed hard at seeing Cedric’s handwriting and from seeing the words ‘Love you.’
I stuck that photo back onto the board noticing another one of a young Cedric and Amanda, smiling from ear to ear, wearing St. Patrick’s Day hats and green shirts. It was always hard to see his beautiful face, but it was even harder to see him looking so happy with her, especially when she looked identical to me when I was eighteen. It was all so strange.
I turned that photo around and noticed that the date was March 2002. It was taken a month before she died. I felt tears start to form as I tried to block the accident and how she suffered before she died out of my mind.
She was so young. And she wanted to find me…she wanted me there. I had no idea she even existed and I was probably sitting in a mall food court eating taco bell when she died.
I returned to the bed, clutching the photo in tears. There were so many unknowns…would she and Cedric have gotten married and had the baby? Would she and I have met and become close? I would never know. As I continued to stare at the photo, my confused emotions continued. The photo made me jealous because he clearly cared for her, but it also made me mad because he was possibly going to break up with her a month later. And was she pregnant in the photo?
Just then, Elaine startled me, when she returned with the towels and saw me crying. She sat next to me on the bed and saw the photo in my hand, taking it gently away and looking at it.
“Cedric told me everything, you know,” she said.
“What do you mean?”
“Honey, we had put him in a very difficult position, Ed and I, asking him to be the one to find you. We never really considered, his feelings…how he might feel about you, what should now be obvious…that he could fall for you. We just wanted to know you were okay and for you to know about Amanda, because that was her wish. Cedric was already in Boston and with Ed so sick, it made the most sense to ask him to confront you.”
“What exactly did Cedric tell you about us?”
“He called sometime after you found the photo at his mother’s house. He was in tears, Allison. He confessed that he had found you months before, but had kept it from us and that you two had grown very close all those weeks. He was devastated because he knew he’d lost you.”
